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Messages By: rsthoughts

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July 22, 2005, 4:00 pm CDT

Welcome Back

Welcome back everyone!  Nice to see you Lilac.  Looking forward to catching up with everyone.
 
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July 24, 2005, 1:54 pm CDT

Don't change who you are

Maybe, but I feel like guys will never like me, because I'm not good enough...and I don't know what to do or how to change, so that I can be who they want in a girlfriend.

It is so important to be who you are and love yourself as you are.  That doesn't mean that you can't change things about yourself that YOU want to change.  You should never change things about yourself in order to make someone else happy or to make them desire you.  You should want someone to love you as you are and not something that they want you to be.

Are there things about yourself that you would like to change or improve because it will make you feel better?  I recently joined a gym because I wanted to drop some weight and tone up.  I am doing this to make myself happy and feel better about my appearance.  There is nothing wrong about looking your best and feeling good about yourself.  Get a new hairstyle, get a new outfit or get your nails done.  Do something for you.

You will find that people are attracted to confidence.  If you are feeling good about who you are and are confident about who you are and what you believe in, it will be noticed.  If you have never seen the movie "Runaway Bride" with Julia Roberts, I would suggest it.  She was always trying to mold who she was to each person she was with and realizes that she can't truly love anyone until she knew who she was and could love herself.

Let us know how you are doing.

 
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July 24, 2005, 2:06 pm CDT

How? Chat rooms.

How did you find a guy over the internet WITHOUT having to join anything ?
I met a man that I dated for 5 years while in a chat room.  We are still very good friends but ended it due to reasons not related to the internet.  My current b/f I met through Yahoo personals.  "Blind IM's" are way people meet sometimes as well.
 
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July 24, 2005, 6:43 pm CDT

Iceman5 is right

I've done on-line dating and have had good success.  Now that is not to say that there weren't men that turned out to be not what I expected but that can happen no matter how you meet someone.   I met a man in a chat room that I ended up dating for 5 years and we are still very good friends.  The man I am currently dating I met through an on-line dating service.  We starting talking on a Monday and met for the first time that Wednesday and have now been together for 4 months. 

 

The first serious relationship I had was with someone I met at work - he turned out to be an alcoholic who cheated every chance he got.  My ex-husband I met through my sister and he turned out to be a cheater who also had a drinking problem.  The man I met on-line never cheated on me, held a great job and loved my kids - our problem was we could never seem to get in the same state (he was military when we met and then did government contracting which had him all over the USA).  The man I'm dating now is wonderful, caring, considerate, respectful, affectionate, faithful and is wonderful with my kids.

 

Iceman is right that you have to go into it with realistic expectations.  On-line dating is simply a different venue of how to meet people.  You should meet as soon as possible so you don't build someone up to be something that they really aren't.   It's like a blind date with a little bit more information that you may have otherwise.

 
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July 24, 2005, 7:05 pm CDT

One step at a time

Okay so in March I went onto this dating service called "e-happiness" and for about a month now I have been communicating with this guy named "Bobby". I feel that we are getting really close and that maybe someday soon we will be getting married possibly or maybe just be dating hey I will be taking either option anything is better than living the single life. I have never met "Bobby" and we have been talking for over a month. How do I get to the meeting phase? We talk everyday for at least three hours. My Mom calls it an obsession. What do you think?

It's always nice to have someone that you share common interests with and are able to communicate with.  I think a month is plenty of time to start thinking about meeting in person.  If things are going as well as you believe they are, he should want to meet you too. When meeting someone for the first time (even the first few times), ALWAYS meet in a public place.  This doesn't mean to meet them out in public and then get in their car and go someplace else.  Meet in a mall, restaurant or bar and set a time limit on the meeting - about an hour is good.  This will give you enough time to see if things are the same for you in person as they were on-line and on the phone.   If they are, you can decide to stay later or plan another meeting.  If they aren't, you have set the time limit and can walk away without feeling like you are running away.

I know from experience that you can talk to someone for hours on the phone, via email and IM and then when it comes to meeting in person, the spark just isn't there.  Don't go into the meeting with unrealistic expectations.  You are already talking marriage and you haven't met him yet.  He may really be all that you think he is but please slow down and take it one step at a time.

You state "Anything is better then living the single life".  Not really.  No one deserves to settle in a relationship just to be in a relationship.  You should be with someone who loves you, cares for you, respects you, is faithful to you and who you can communicate with.  Don't rush into something.  Take your time and make sure the person you are with is the right person for you.

 
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July 27, 2005, 8:09 pm CDT

The war continues (again)

Ugh, I just completed my post and when I went to post it "poof" it was gone!!!!  Let me get out now how much I dislike this new system and that I think they need to do something about fixing this!!  <Smooths hair, sits back and goes to try this again>.  You'd think after the two weeks it took them to do this (that we had to suffer and wait for it to come back) that a much better job would have been done.  But anyway.........

Porn is a tough subject and it raises strong views.  I think that this may be a subject that we are going to have to be adult about and have to be mature enough to say that people are going to have to "agree to disagree".  You can put your points out there but when it comes to pretty much jamming ideas down each other's throats...that's a bit too much.

I'm one of the women who doesn't have a problem with porn (as long as it's not kiddie porn!!).  I am not threatened by it an ounce.  I am secure in myself, in my b/f and in our relationship.  In this particular relationship, I am more the one who brings up wanting to get the video or the book.  I do not think porn is wrong in a relationship if both parties are in agreement.  Porn is an occasional addition to our sex life, just as sex toys or sexy outfits are.

Men are visually stimulated, women are emotionally and mentally stimulated.  As I spent the two weeks at work crying over the message boards being gone, we got on this topic.  An interesting point was brought up.  How many women are reading Harlequins or such romance novels?  They tend to have some pretty detailed sex scenes.  Since women are stimulated mentally, does this then constitute cheating in the same way porn does?  Just a thought.......

 

Now as far as having the courage to be not be ashamed of what's going on and be able to leave a message on my answering machine as to what I'm doing.....I don't leave a message on my machine saying "I'm going shopping" or "I'm cooking dinner" anymore then I'm leaving one that says "I'm having incredible sex with 'J' at the moment, so leave a message".  If a friend calls and asks what I was doing, I'll tell her....and depending on the friend, it could even include that we watched a porn.  I'm not ashamed of it but I don't give out details of my sex life to everyone and that's why I wouldn't leave it on my machine.

 

Before our lives were so rudely interrupted on these boards, someone had asked me why I was on the boards as most people come for advice.  I had posted my reply on the same day they took the boards down, so I'll reply again.  I was on the Oprah boards originally for the on-line journal and found the message boards.  I received many "thank you's" for my advice and one person asked me to come over here and post because she thought I could help.  I'm yet to ask for advice - I just try to help out in any way that I can.  I use the same name on the Oprah boards, so you can see my posts over there too.

 
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July 30, 2005, 4:55 pm CDT

Wondering what you mean

Quote From: sissy67

the statement above is so true but it seems today that men are looking for a fantasy and so people like us never get a chance i'm 38 never been married and have not had a date in 10 years and i think its safe to say i will not find anyone in how the world seems today.

 

When you say, "people like us"?  Do you mean in your age group or is there something I missed?

I think a good policy is to never "generalize" all men or all women into a category.  Yes, there are men who are trying to find a fantasy woman that doesn't exist and therefore never are happy in any relationship and are always looking for something "better".  At the same time, there are men out there who are looking for someone to love, care about and spend the rest of their life sharing everything with each other.

I know it's easy to give up and think you won't find anyone.  Having a positive outlook when you've faced disappointment is hard but it really does help.  Don't give up.

 
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July 30, 2005, 5:29 pm CDT

Lilac is right

Quote From: missnc

Hello,I want to get some advice from any women that may have encountered my problem....I have been married for a yr now we have a 4mo old and a 4yr old.My husband and I met online...It was my first experience to any of the online dating sene...for him though,,,he had been doing it awhile before me.When we were dating I found that he was still communicating with online friends...or whatever you call them...we addressed it and I thought he had found all he needed in me..when he asked me to be his wife.my son is 4mo now and while I was pregnant I found long didtance #s in his phone...as far as Canada!Come to find out the woman in Canada was having a online/via phone relationship with him! For 10 mo1She did not know anything about me...his children...he made up another idenity...But...she knew his name,he gave her his mothers address!I was so let down to hear this...they would have explicit sexual conversations...via web cam too....I was shaking so hard it could of been a earthquake!I confronted him....oh boy what a mess....he says he was just joking around no meaning to it...yeah right...for 10 months I don't think so..the woman said she'd never have anymore contact with him...but why did I find out just the next day after all of this...he was calling some other woman!!!!!!This is getting out of hand...I feel betrayed ,words cannot expain,so I wonder if he's capable of all this what else is he capable of...what if these women came to see him?what if they were in the same state...I cannot go on wondering what he is doing it will send me to the crazy house!Anyone out there have any advice?been through this before?Thanks

Just because this isn't physical (that you know of) doesn't mean it's not cheating.  If you do a google search on online cheating and divorces because of it, you will see that even the law is also starting to recognize this as a form of infidelity.  If it did come down to a divorce and you needed to, these women can be called into the divorce court to substantiate the infidelity - bet neither he or them would like that too much.

It's time to give him an ultimatum; it's them or you.  He knows what he was/is doing was/is wrong or he wouldn't have gone to such lengths to hide it from you.  He knows he's playing with fire and it's a matter of time before he actually meets with one of these women. 

Change your email so that you only have one for the two of you.  Make sure the cell phone bills come directly to you or set it up online so you can see a history of the phone calls.  And I'd also contact all these numbers on the bill that are unfamiliar to you and let them know he is married.  He didn't tell this woman in Canada that he was, so I doubt any of these other women know either.  He's playing them as badly as he is you.

If you want this to work with him, I suggest counseling and I think you need to get started on it quickly.  Best of luck and let us know how you are doing.

 
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July 31, 2005, 7:49 am CDT

Look at all your options

Quote From: davidoff54

I'm 25 years old and married a wonderful woman that I met in college. She's smart, beautiful, talented. The only problem in our marriage is that since she's been on birth control, she has NO interest in any kind of physical contact with me. Having her around even is simply killing me, she's too gorgeous to even look at. It's getting so frustrating that I have to stay away from her to even keep my head on straight. She's metioned her lack of drive to me, but acts like it's just the way things are going to be. I've never cheated on her, and love her more than I love myself. I just can't live this way. I work so hard to bring home a good income, and we're working now towards her achieving her goal of becoming a stay home mom once we have kids. I've had some weight issues in the past, which she never has, so she doesn't quite understand why her never wanting to touch me is making me feel horrible about myself. I just don't know what to do.

I'm glad to see that you want to work with your wife on this and make your relationship work.  Have you considered using another type of birth control or if she insists on using the pill, having the prescription changed?  It is true that being on the pill can reduce a woman's sex drive considerably, so don't take her lack of wanting sex as something about you.  It sounds like she knows of her sex drive has diminished and will be willing to work with you to fix it.

 

You may want to do some research on your own about different types of methods of birth control there are, so when you talk to her you can have some really solid answers to the issue.  Good luck and keep us posted.

 
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July 31, 2005, 12:02 pm CDT

You are correct

Quote From: merumsal

 Hi there.

I'm a 43yo divorced mother of three (27,22,16) and am currently in a 3 1/2 year relationship with the view to marriage.  We do not live together - I live with my elderly father and the youngest two of my children.

We've had a few problems in the last few months which have been based on my feeling that the man in my life has become distant - showing little affection, no interest in sex and not wanting to talk about what may be happening to have brought this on.

We decided to set aside a month where we limited the time we spent together, to allow for a little "space" to try and work out our feelings etc. (we normally spend a lot of time with eachother during the day as we work together in his homebased business). 

The whole idea was that, we spend time apart regrouping our lives and have certain times where we would hang out as a couple, kind of like dating, and talk about what we had been doing (in regard to the regrouping).

After three weeks I called quits to what we were doing because within that time he became even more distant (not wanting to spend any intimate time together at all) and only wanting to meet for a "coffee" and was guarded in talking about "how things were going" for him.

I found it extremely difficult feeling so emotionally and intimately shut out of his life in this way.  I became very tense and guarded on our last "coffee" meeting and I could see that he was becoming frustated at my behaviour so I sugested we go somewhere more private to talk. 

We talked and through his frustatration he said that he hadn't had time to think about "us" much and he  wasn't even sure he wanted to be in a relationship with me anyway.  I was stunned at hearing that.  I walked out on him because I didn't quite know what to say and I didn't want to say anything I would be sorry for later.

I didn't hear from him for a week so I decided that I would go to see him and talk things through to either end the relationship or decide whether we were going to work through this patch.

We talked for hours.  We talked about working together on being together - it was really wonderful to be relating at such a deep level again.

Today we talked again and he told me that his problem has been that he won't marry my while I still have my children living with me.  He doesn't have children of his own and would find it difficult living with me and my family because so much of what happens in "that" household goes against his value system.

Once again, I'm absolutely stunned.  We (my children and I) live in what I would call an almost boringly typical parent/child existence.   He's never spoken of this before and when we talked about "working things out together" I imagined that part of that would have taken in blending our family (well, my children, him and me).

He wants to keep our relationship going with the view to marry when my brood have all flown the coup. 

I understand the difficulties of second marriages with children involved, that's why we didn't rush in to marriage in the first place.  We had talked about allowing everybody to get to know eachother slowly to give everyone time to become accustomed to "us"; to build on our relationship during this time and our future (hence working together).

At the moment I find his "offer" unacceptable and I'm quite cranky about the whole thing. 

I'm wondering whether I'm just being altogether too emotional, maybe his suggestion is the most logical one and maybe I'm simply taking his rejection of my children all too personally.

I don't know.

If anyone can think of any questions that maybe I should be asking myself - I'd be more than grateful if you would share them because I'm feeling just a little too lost in the forest to think of any right now.

Cheers!

That his offer is unacceptable.  He apparently doesn't understand that once you are a parent you are always a parent whether the child lives with you or not.  Sometimes kids come home after they have "left the nest".  It's not like your children are a hobby that's on the side that you can just put aside whenever you want.  I personally find his request outrageous.  If he had such an issue with your children, he should have never started dating you.

Many relationships today come as "package" deals.  I myself have 2 kids and my b/f has 1.  Your children are a part of you and always will be.  If this man can't handle that, I would suggest he move on and find someone without children.

A question you may ask yourself is "After the kids move out and I marry this man and something should happen where one of my children need to move home....will I have to tell them that they no longer can come to the place they have always known as home?" 

I wish you the best.  Keep in touch.

 

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