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Messages By: saddays


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August 5, 2005, 11:18 am PDT

nooooo!

Quote From: dream4tomo

I am an adolescent approaching my twenties and I have a serious relationship with my boyfriend. It is not exactly like the Kiza & Chris situation, but watching the show today made me realize that I certainly don't want to end up in that scenario. We have had many fights over him seeing porn, and although I've explained to him that it hurts me, makes me feel inadequate, and that it isn't an essential part of him being a man - he still believes that porn is a "normal guy thing." I mean, is it really that much to give up porn for the one you love? Why is porno such a huge priority to some men?

 

He can't even promise me that he won't end up at stripclubs either, his excuse is: "Well what if all the guys want to go there? What am I, gonna ditch my buds?" he also says that he doesn't "intend" to go there but if it "happens" then it's not his fault. My argument is that if he ends up there, it is his own doing, and he willed it so, he physically made it happen, his buddies never forced him into anything. He tells me not to worry, to trust him and to get over it, but how can I? I, like Kiza, believe that porn is cheating. My definition of cheating, is not just physical, but emotional, mental, visual...the fact that he even desires another woman is disrespectful to me and our relationship.

 

When I try to explain this to him, his comeback is about how all his buddies' girlfriends are okay with it, and that he even talked to an acquaintance of mine who said she was okay with it too. I replied that what they do in THEIR relationships has got NOTHING to do with ours, and my morals and values are not based on what other people's are. He said that I was the ONLY person he knew that felt this way, and that I would NEVER or RARELY find a guy who wasn't into porn. He made me feel like I was the black sheep of society for my beliefs. He tells me that he wants me to say that it's okay for him to do it, even though he "won't actually do it" -but that's bullcrap! If I give him the okay, I know he will constantly look at it and lie to me about it. I caught him on 2 occasions where he lied at first, admitted to it, then promised not to do it again, but did.

 

Has anyone ACTUALLY gotten through to their boyfriends/husbands about why they should stop looking at porn? And if so, how? I would REALLY like to know! I'm not an insecure individual...but maybe I should get...I don't know, breast implants or something...maybe then he'll stop looking at porn, maybe then I'll be "good enough" for him...who knows...

OMG! PLEASE don't get breast implants or do anything drastic to yourself in an attempt to keep your boyfriend away from porn! That's not going to change his behavior & you're not even 20 yrs old!!! That's definitely something you'll only regret doing later.
It seems to me that your boyfriend has very little concern for your feelings at all. I understand that guys like porn. My own boyfriend likes porn, but watching it isn't a daily activity for him in the least! He barely looks at porn & only when we happen to be fooling around with the internet @ home & he opens it up just for fun. I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable with it if my boyfriend liked porn enough to look at it frequently or without me. I'm home just about all the time & he works, so I know what he's doing (for those of you who might think he does it behind my back). He rarely uses the internet & doesn't have a porno collection. He's got one playboy video that doesn't even have any sex in it that's gathering dust since we got together years ago. Guys do like visual stuff, but if your guy needs it on a regular basis instead of just being able to have fun with you alone, you've got a problem. Having fun together with it once in a blue moon can be fun, but it's not something I would want in the bedroom with me all the time. Just like there's a time & place for romantic love-making, quickie sex, regular sex, & wild rough crazy sex. Porn can be fun once in a while, but it shouldn't be a normal part of everyday sex.
And the stripclub stuff - HELL NO! Guys with enough brains know that that guys who go to stripclubs are just losers paying out money to girls who aren't interested & just want their money.
 

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August 5, 2005, 11:24 am PDT

they're both sickening

Both he & the other woman made me sick. After all the talking Dr. Phil has done with them, it's SO obvious that he still doesn't care that what he's doing is hurting his wife, he still wants to be with the other woman, & he'll cheat on his wife again & again. Dr. Phil is completely wasting his time on this man. This "Sarah" person is really irritating too. I can't believe the two of them keep using the lame excuse of "it just happened"!!! What the ...??? How does having sex with someone just "happen"?? That's kind of an important & serious thing to do for it to just "happen"! She has no concern for her kids. She claimed that choosing between her affair & her kids wasn't a hard choice to make, but you could feel the strain as she was saying she wanted him to leave her alone & that she chooses her kids over him. She ACTUALLY feels TORN when choosing between that guy & her own kids! But it's obvious that she is a very selfish woman (just as selfish as he is) because even though Dr. Phil focused mostly on how he was selfish, she did the exact same thing that he did in her own marriage! She put her kids on the line just like he did & all because she was being selfish. I have no pity for her. I think they're both just as wrong as each other & you can't blame him for victimizing her & using her. She wanted it just like he did, & she didn't control her impulses either. It does take two, after all & I didn't hear any accusations of rape coming from her side. So they're BOTH to blame equally.
 

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August 5, 2005, 11:26 am PDT

and one more thing

 Michelle really has to stop being pathetic & just leave him. He's cheated on her how many times & she thinks he's gonna change? She's got her kids she needs to think about instead of being so desperate as to cling to a man like that. Same thing for the husband of the "other woman". What kind of man is that to KNOW that his wife's having an affair but who's gonna just sit there & hope she stops?? They both need to leave those cheaters in the dust.
 

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August 13, 2005, 3:06 pm PDT

08/12 Parenting Headaches

 It does seem strange for a little girl to behave that way towards her stepmother (unless she's actually been abused in some way or has been influenced by her mother). I never actually had a stepmother, but my father has had a girlfriend almost since my parents were divorced when I was young. My parents had a very messy divorce between themselves, but my mother didn't dislike his girlfriend at all. In fact, she likes her. But maybe that's because my mother was the one who wanted the divorce & wasn't psycho-clingy to my father (the way some of the ex-wives you guys have described seem to be). I guess because of that I've never had problems at all with my dad's girlfriend all these years growing up. I think the way the mother feels about the father getting remarried or getting a girlfriend must have a HUGE impact on the kids involved. I know that especially during the time my parents were divorced I was extremely sensitive to what both of them wanted from me b/c I was so afraid of my family being torn apart. If kids are made to feel that liking the new woman who's been introduced into the family would be a betrayal to their mother, of course they'll do anything they possibly can to avoid that. I think it's probably even more so than with stepfathers b/c of the bond between mothers & their children. It's easy for children to believe that that is a betrayal & I think some mothers out there do abuse that fact & use it to manipulate their children & get back at their ex-husbands.
 

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October 22, 2005, 7:02 pm PDT

definitely

Quote From: drema_m

I think He should go for his dream.  I am sorry but nobody should try to hinder someone for reaching their dream.  That is what makes life worth living.  Sometimes you have to support some one dreams even if you have doubts about them being attained.   

  

I think it is so so wrong, to give some one an ultimatum to choose between your and whatever dreams or goals they have.  As long as it doesn't it financially, physically and emotionally sound, I think a person should be encouraged in his or her dreams. 

  

I really think this woman needs to get over herself and if she loves her husband she should support him all the way.  He should not have to make a decision between his dream and her. 

I think it's horrible for someone to tell the person they supposedly love that they can't pursue their ultimate dream. There are risks involved in fighting & it can be dangerous. You do get sent to the hospital sometimes & you get bruised & banged up, but if it's your passion (which it is for a lot of people) you should go for it. No matter what your passion, you should go for it if you can. You shouldn't be relegated to throwing your lifelong dream away just because the person you're married to is being selfish.
 

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December 29, 2005, 3:20 pm PST

*screams in terror*

Quote From: luvnmykids

  

  

   I am in no way trying to start an arguement with anyone.  I was just a little bothered by one of your remarks.  "IF you honestly believe everything you read, for instance that woman was actually made from Adam's rib, then maybe you don't have a problem being told what to do by your man."  I do firmly believe this because it is in the BIBLE.  And I wholeheartedly believe the bible.  With that said, I am in no way a doormat to my husband.  I choose to do all the laundry and cook all the meals but that is because I stay home with our kids.  It's the least I can do for him.  But when he gets home if I haven't felt well or had a rough day and dinner isn't made there is definitely no fights.  He is more than willing to come home and make dinner or at least help with making dinner.  He understands that just because I am a "Stay at home MOM" doesn't mean I sit around all day and watch soaps or the DR Phil show.  I actually record the show and watch it later in the night while I am in bed.  And just another note...Woman actually means.."from man" so yes dear you were made from man.  God created Eve WITH Adam's rib.  If you weren't made from man what were you made from??  Just a question.  I am happy that you are married to a caring individual and that he is willing to help.  But just because I believe what you don't doesn't mean that My husband isn't willing to help.  He is more than willing.  We share all the household cleaning equally.  Yes during the week I keep the house neat and clutter free, but come the weekend we are BOTH cleaning the house.  I wish you the best of luck in your marriage and GOD BLESS 

This post absolutely terrifies me.  

The U.S. is certainly far behind other developed nations that know about evolution and aren't religious fanatics who believe that the Bible should be interpreted literally. You're insane if you truly believe that there really was an Adam and Eve and that she came from his rib. You're no less ignorant than some forest native who believes in rain gods & thinks sacrifices will end droughts.  

  

I do believe that if a woman stays at home she makes a better mother. I think if you're simply a wife, that shouldn't be the reason why you stay at home while your husband works. You should be doing something with your time. But if you're a mother, it is certainly better if you stay home with your kids. It is a very difficult job as it is, and mothers who work just do not put as much as they need to into their kids. I think the importance of the relationship between mother and child is more important with regard to a wife staying home than the relationship between the wife & husband. If it was just a wife & husband, it would be perfectly reasonable in this day and age for the wife to work, because she doesn't have the burdensome chores that women had back in the day in order to keep the house clean, the firewood gathered, the gardens hoed, etc. Modern convenience allows women the free time to work outside the home, BUT when there are children in the picture, I think a mother should be there for her kids as much as possible & when women try to be superwomen, they end up being mediocre at both, or neglecting one thing to do better at the other.  

  

And by the way, evolution explains all of this, if any of you who don't "believe in" it actually would bother to go educate yourselves beyond the "humans came from monkeys" thing that you're all so offended by. Human behavior can be explained very thoroughly through evolution, animal behavior, etc. Oh yeah, and we're all animals too. Even your bible-thumping can be explained by animal behavior and evolutionary science. We haven't moved as far beyond the rest of the animal kingdom as many ignorant religious fanatics would like to think. 

 

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December 29, 2005, 5:24 pm PST

*sigh*

Quote From: kandidkate

I think means God took DNA from the bone of Adam.  Why would he re-envent a wheel, when he only want to create a similar and complimentary companion for Adam. ying and yang if you permit....But i do see the Bible as very male based ( no pun intended in the word "base.")

There was no "Adam." And God wasn't re-inventing the wheel. Men weren't "invented." They were a production of the natural state of evolution, to which the whole universe is subject. If people want to believe that some higher being organized the amazing thing we call the universe, then that's fine by me. I won't ever dispute that there is possibly a higher spirit.  But when they start claiming that there's no such thing as evolution and that instead, POOF! there was Adam and POOF! there was Eve, and that dinosaurs are part of a conspiracy created by scientists, THAT I DO have a problem with.  

  

And the reason why the Bible is "male based" is because it was written by MEN in a time period when men dominated over women. NOT by God. Actually, before Christianity took over, did you know that women in the ancient Roman empire had more rights and freedom than women had ever had before and that wouldn't be surpassed until suffrage? And did you know that the genetic default for animals is FEMALE and not male?  

  

And there is no "ying and yang." It's YIN and yang. Ying is a totally different word.  

  

 

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January 13, 2006, 10:23 pm PST

you're so right

Quote From: agibean

MY daughter, on the other hand, has many friends of many races and cultures and is dating a black boy. Instead of being prejudiced about dating people of color, she looks at the INNER PERSON.  

  

But YOUR daughter is being raised to draw the line at people of her own race for dating and marriage and will continue the cycle of prejudice. How sad, for both you and her. And guess what? Her friends of color know EXACTLY where they stand and what kind of friend she really is.  

  

Shame on you for perpetuating prejudice!  

  

I'm astoninshed that someone would use the excuse that biracial people or those who date biracially are mistreated  as a reason to continue old prejudices.  But I'm sure you think there's been progress because people can be "friends" biracially. I'm feeling ill over it. 

  

My biracial marriage and my biracial child and my older daughter dating biracially are making the world a little less small and a little less judgemental. The people who continue discrimination in whatever guise they wish to call it remain part of the problem.  

That really is a horrible excuse to maintain racial segregation, even if it's only for dating & marriage & not for just casual interaction.
That reminds me of some research I did about the point in time where Americans were debating whether or not to allow Asians to become citizens. Asians were looked at as being so completely foreign in both appearance and culture that Americans believed that it was impossible for them to ever assimilate into American society. And when it came to biracial Asian/white children, I believe it was FDR who said that those children would forever be "social and biological misfits." How horrendous is that??? But that was back in the 1940's. For people to STILL maintain those same attitudes towards multiracial people is even MORE horrendous.
I am biracial, and many of my friends growing up were multiracial. I grew up in NYC where it's not uncommon at all to meet multiracial people everywhere you go. I think it's great that way. Rather than looking at each other with disgust or embarrassment and asking "what are you?" with a critical tone, when we ask "what are you?" it's with sincere interest and curiosity, and with a desire to learn more about a person's ethnic and cultural background(s). If only more places in this country (and the world) could be like that...
 

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January 13, 2006, 10:56 pm PST

grrr

Quote From: szklana

 I totally agree. I'm multi-ethnic (and in an interracial soon-to-be-marriage, as well!), and I do have an identity. I am very proud of being who I am, and I only wish that society as a whole would be more accepting of multi-ethnic people. People who don't understand simply assume that we're all struggling to find our identities or suffer unneccesarily because we don't fit neatly into any category. Multi-ethnic people DO have a lot of issues that are unique, but a lot of it has to do with the lack of acceptance or understanding of multiculturalism or multiethnicity. We can't fill out forms that ask about our ethnicity without being confused or knowing that we'll be checking off a box that means "you don't count". It's either "choose one" or "you don't matter to us". It's no huge surprise why some multi-ethnic people are coaxed into denying all but one part of their backgrounds, and that's both annoying and sad.

It'd make my day if everyone woke up one morning and was able to be proud of who they are AND not marginalize other people based on their ethnic backgrounds. But that's impossible for some, maybe even for most.
Ooooooooooooooh, I HATE those ethnicity check-lists! Why do they say, "Check one" in this day & age???? It's absurd. I always get so annoyed. If there's an option of "other" I always pick that. Sometimes I'll check both anyway. haha
I have a black friend who, when given the option of "African American" will check "other" instead and fill in "black." hehehe
Our way of sticking it to the man...
 

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January 13, 2006, 11:04 pm PST

hmm...

Quote From: dterenzi

I don't think that I am naive at all, and I know that my granddaughter would not be the only white child in school with a black step father.  Yes  I do worry about other children being cruel.  I have some friends, he is black and she is white, they have a daughter, she has told me that no matter how you look at it her daughter is black, she got called names in school, teased, (is that fair to an innocent child?)   she has also said that when they go out they get looks, even in this day and age it is still frowned upon, granted most are racist, I however do not believe that I am a racist,   It's a cruel world we live in and by admission, caused by people that think and feel the way I do.  Like I said I feel guilty at times for the way I feel.     

 So you're saying that because other people are racist and disapprove of multiracial children, you don't think multiracial children should exist. That makes no sense. Just because a lot of white people in this country didn't (and don't) like blacks, should they have all been killed off or sterilized? Asians weren't wanted in this country. Americans didn't even want to allow them to become citizens? Should everyone have just gone along with that?
 

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