Messages By: tired66

 I have a problem with our definition of fatherhood here.  I am a mom that has basically had to provide for my children alone.  My children's "father",if you could call him that, has used his financial resources, after a great deal of manipultion to avoid financial responsibilities, to avoid child support and to demand control and his rights with our children.  There has never been a question of paternity.  He just wants to call the shots and keep his money.  I fail to understand this.  I struggle to provide for my children and to keep up with providing for their needs on a daily basis. Their father lives in another country and only visits twice per year.  He refuses to support my parenting at every turn, yet will not lift a hand to help them.  All of this said, I I found out that my children were not mine due to a mistake at the hospital or something, I would give everything I had to have the privilege of caring for them.  Whether or not they are part of my body, they are part of my heart.  I think that if you asked people who adopted children if they would trade their adopted children for biological children after 10 years, they would chose the children they have loved for 10 years.  As adults. we should just be grateful to have the opportunity to care for the children we know.  This man could have been respectable if he would have decided to stand by this child regardles of a few genetic markers.  Instead, he chose for the money.

 The mother's response worried me.  If that young girl has been drinking as much as she reports, that drinking may be the real issue.  Frequent abuse of alchohol effects one's ability to concentrate, especially in young drinkers.  I have worked with several youths that had been diagnosed with ADHD and were acting out despite taking medications.  Several of those youths had drinking and or drug issues.  In many of those cases, dealing with abuse issues resolved the issues that were attributed to ADHD.  It is not always correctly diagnosed.  Often, well meaning general physicians make the diagnosis and prescribe medications based on what they are being told by parents and youths.  Alcohol is definately not a good idea even in a properly diagnosed case.  Judging from what I have seen from the past, I am assuming that the Dr. Phil show provided the mother with additional information after the show.  What information he did provide was spot on, but the show was not about ADHD or drinking per se.  I found it sad to see once again how our youths are not receiving proper guidance and supervision from their parents. I have a 15 1/2 year old girl and she is not allowed to have a MySpace/Facebook page because I value her safety above her favor.  She is also not placed in situations where she must make the decision to drink or not at this age.  That should come later when she is more mature and can fathom the consequences.  She has friends and is very social, but a parent can and should direct the nature of the socialization.  We are suposed to stand by them and guide them through this really exciting, but challenging time of their lives.

Dr Phil can obviously not make an official diagnosis under these circumstances for ethical reasons, but the information here  definately would send a professional in the direction of  a borderline personality disorder.  The lying and the acting out are a couple indicators, but the real indicator is his chameleon personality.  He  is simply what ever personality that is called for in a given situation to place himself in a situation where he can maintain a semblance of  self-esteem.  I would guess that Dr.Phil picked up on this rather quickly as he caught every attempt this man made at what is called "splitting".  That is where a person tries to deflect responsiblity or negative information by blaming others or pointing out wrong doing of others.   You may note that Dr. Phil never made a personal attack on the man, yet he constantly  tried to be seen as the victim.  I have read a few comments that criticized the woman for falling for this man's lies.  I want to let people know that while Dr. Phil is very experienced and quite savy, many young, but well trained, therapists fall for these tactics.  I have heard more than one story of a therapist who was fooled by a person with these tendencies.  There is no way a person could ethically make a clinical diagnosis from watching a television program, yet often, if it walks like a duck and it talks like a duck, there is reason to suspect that you are looking at a duck.  I just want to offer that it is very possible that this woman was dealing with a man that was possibly expert enough in hisillness that even a trained therapist would find him a challenge.  I think we should take the stance of compassion instead of criticism

 I feel so sad for the daughter and the mother. I have a great relationship with my parents and they are the greatest grandparents.  The difference is that my mother remembers that she is my mother.  There is no need for any control or discussion of rights, because my parents respect me as the mother of their grandchildren.  I get a lot of advice from them, but it is a respectful discussion.  Rita does not know the meaning of respect.  She raised her daughter.  How can she complain that her daughter does not respect her?  We teach our children to respect us by respecting them.  Staying away from their peers in romantic relationships is a good start.  Yes, every teenager goes through times where they needed to be reminded that respect is the order of the day, but the respect your adult children show you is often created early in life.

 The labels used by psychologists are used to help understand groupings of behaviors that tend to coincide.  The label helps us to understand what is going on.  You are right, it is not an excuse for bad behavior.  My ex is BPD and it took me many years and a degree in psychology to get what happened and why he continues to act the way he does.  I still think that he is a jerk, but BPD's are so skilled a muddying the waters.  I was left going back and back over things wondering why things happened and why his perception of things was so different than everyone elses.  The label helped me to say OK that is what was going on and I can deal with him in a way that does not stress me out, so I can raise the children he only visits twice per year.  Also, if he should ever get to the point that he realizes that he makes a disaster of every relationship he engages in, a therapist has a road map to help him take responsibility and change his behaviors so others responses will change.  I am not holding my breath, but who knows.

 I have two children.  My daughter is this amazingly vibrant, intelligent, athletic young woman with a heart of gold.  She has ADD.  She does not take medication, but we spend a great deal of time working on strategies. I have figured out that ADD can be challenging, but there is also a gift about it.  That kid can really think outside of the box.  My son is an extremely inteligent, kind, and funny young man.  He has dysgraphia, which is a mild form of dyslexia.  Writing is very difficult form him and we are teaching him to type instead. Despite his specific challenge he reads above grade level and the school allows him to  do many things in a special way.  For example, he cannot show his steps to working a math problem on paper, but he can figure out the answer in his head without a paper or pencil.  I sometimes, as a single working mom get frustrated and make mistakes, but we work it through.  They are good people and they forgive me for not being perfect.  They are perfect.  Many of the people on this show have a weird way of defining sucess.  Success is trying to make this world a better place.  My kids both volunteer more hours to good causes than the average American.  They show kindness and love and they try to master helpful skills.  They are already successes according to my definition.

 What a great show!  Mother directs a local agency that provides the training and a child friendly environment to interview children who may have been abused or neglected when an interview with the child is necessary to establish a case.  Before this agency, children were often interviewed multiple times by officers that had no special training at the police station.  This is often very traumatic for the children. It is very important to prevent children who have been abused from being re-traumatized as that increases their vulnerability to depression and anxiety disorders.  This agency also takes a load off of law enforcement and CPS.  They also coordinate therapy for the children and the families.
For us, it is a whole family and friends affair.  The agency was established by one of our closest friends, a law enforcement officer, and his wife.  Over the years, they have gained the support of law enforcement, CPS, CASA,  the county attourney and the other attorneys in the area, medical personnel, victims, business owners, and the community as a whole.  We are very fortunate, as the agency is supported by the entire community.  We do a lot of fundraising.  My kids are also very involved in that part of the agency.  They wrap presents for needy families at Christmas and sell snow cones to help.
I applaud this show because you let people know what the needs are and what they could do to help.  Those CASA volunteers that donate their time and energy at an incredible emotional cost to help these children are angels.  In our community we have CASA volunteers that, besides their CASA work, also volunteer to help with our fundraisers.  Our local law enforcement officers are also a part of every event.  They will work an incredibly busy 3rd shift, and take presents to families who are struggling.  Several of the officers and CPS workers have become trained in child friendly interviews and attend weekly meetings to improve their skills, so they are helping instead of hurting.  All children in our two counties are interviewed by trained staff in friendly environments.  The County Attorney even helps with fundraisers.  There are so many that help. 
Thank you for reminding people to step up for our kids!

 A four-year-old may not have the cognitive skilled to fully understand the ramifications of what they are doing, but they get that it is good to be nice to others.  I applaud this mother, because it is very important to start early with instilling values.  Even though a small child may not understand the difference between a truth and a lie, we still start early teaching them that lying is wrong.  This mom is starting early to teaching that giving is good.  So I give cootoes to this mom and her child too!

Since when do we define freedom as the right to hurt others?  If a word hurts, don't use it.  It is a silly excuse to say that others use a hateful word, so I will.  I teach social psychology and despite warnings from others we have open discussions on racism in class.  Whether it matters or not, I have light colored skin and I am a woman.  I start my discussion by explaining that, although genetically there is no basis for the concept of race, racism is a very real social problem.  While overt racism has been reduced, there is still a lot of scientific evidence that implicit racism still exists and effects the way important decisions are made( such as hiring processes and fear of crime).  It cannot be argued that the experience of living in the US as a person of color is a experience, than living in the US as a "white" person, just as the experience of being a woman is different.  When I was in college, one of my best friends was a black man from a large urban area.  We went to a very diverse and very liberal private college.  One night when a group of us were cramming for an exam, my friend and I made a snack run to a town close by.  When we were in the convenience store, the clerk followed my friend the whole time.  I could have robbed them blind because he paid no attention to me.  That kind of experience changes your experience of the world.  Persons of color, (black, Hispanic, Asian,  or other) experience different perceptions and sometimes it hurts. If a person who has experienced a painful experience asks not to use a term that is associated with that experience, why would we refuse to abandon that word, even if other do not.