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Messages By: vicksin1


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quiet
April 3, 2006, 11:27 am CDT

Coping with the cruelties of something some call love.

I’ve read these posts time and time again, thought about responding but never have.  It was easier to keep my own life to myself. Scars tend to ache more if you rub at them…  I think what makes it so hard is that even though my mother was cruel, harsh and most often unloving is that few as they were, there were moments when she could be a what I needed her to be.  Never enough to ease all the times that she wasn’t but enough to make me tolerate her and hope for more.  It never came. 

She was rarely physically abusive but oh the things she would do or say to shred my heart and soul.  I often wish that she’d hit me, at least that would end.  But the words she used not only cut when she said them but did it continuously not only as they echoed in my head in her voice but as I learned to say them to myself.   

We lived with my grandmother, who was my salvation while she was alive.  She was where I learned what love should be but she died when I was 13.  I think my mom was jealous of my relationship with her mother because whenever they would get into an argument my mother would pile us three kids into the car to go for a ride while she cooled down.  She’d rant about all her life could have been if it weren’t for us kids.  Thankfully my brother and sister, being 4 and 5 years younger than me, don’t remember these rides or the details like I do.  They always ended with her driving by the children’s orphanage and telling us that we’d be living there if it wasn’t for Grandma…  Just one of so many ways that she made me feel unloved, unwanted and unworthy.  As I grew older the threats to be rid of me never ended, they just changed.  Funny too how they were always directed at me and not at my sister or brother.  I was threatened with juvenile homes, then just the streets as I grew older. 

Needless to say I had no self esteem.  I remember asking my friends why they were my friends because I could never see any value in myself and never could understand why they would want to be around me.  I look back on the person that I was then and I know just how far I have come.   

My mother spent most of the rest of her years emotionally tormenting me but through it something in me had changed.  I found value in myself.  I found my worth and I found my pity for the woman who lived such a miserable life that the only way she felt she had accomplished anything came by her devaluing those around her.  She was never going to be what I wanted or needed her to be.  She was human, flawed, and carried her own scars.  It would have been nice to have grown up in a loving whole family but I didn’t.  It’s a nice image but we’re none of us guaranteed the ideal life, we make of it what we will.  Only we have the power to make it good or bad.  I can look back now and know that as harsh as it may have been I learned some valuable lessons and skills by having to learn to cope with what had been my life. 

My mother passed away from her own neglect at the young age of 53.  She’d sworn she would never see the new century, not hard to self fulfill when you have so many health issues that you intentionally neglect managing like diabetes.  Every time she was in the hospital I was there to help where I could, including begging the health care professionals that she was committing slow suicide intentionally by doing everything she was told not to do.  I realized that the very destructive nature she’d turned on me had been turned in upon herself.  The professionals told me that they couldn’t force her to take help she hadn’t asked for herself.  That’s when I also realized that I couldn’t get from her what she couldn’t give herself.  When she died I have to admit that I felt a huge sense of relief.  I loved her and I miss her but the constant emotional rollercoaster she’d dragged me on my entire life had come to an end.  Of course the past would always been there but there would be no new pain piled on.  For the first time in my life I felt like a weight had been lifted from me because I’d somehow made myself responsible for more than I should have ever born.  I won’t say that my life is all that it should be, it has and will have a huge impact on my life everyday but I’ve learned how to survive when others would give up.  I’ve found that simple things make me happy and I work hard to see life in a positive light.  Dr. Phil is right, there’s no such thing as reality, only perception.  I choose to perceive it now much better than I’d had to live it to begin with.  It’s a work in progress.  *smile* 

The one observation that I’d most like to make is, we as humans can be cruel, history and current events prove that, but why is it that some go out of their way to be the ugliest to those whom they are supposed to love?  What twist occurs to bring about that condition? 

 

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blank
April 3, 2006, 6:05 pm CDT

04/03 Mommy Dearest

Quote From: peanut27

I've struggled desperately with my mother's and I relationship.  I completely empathize with the daughters on the show, and feel so heartbroken over their situations yet am glad to see I am not alone.  My mother was physically and emotionally abusive, beating me weekly and calling me a whore at age 10 (long before I was sexually active), and to this day denies it all.  I've become such a disappointment to her, she even denies me as a daughter and never tells me she loves me.  I believe personally that I am successful for the most part, having earned advanced degrees and being financially independent and socially well accepted.  Most of my girlfriends have healthy relationships with their mother, so it is isolating and difficult to heal from the pain of having such a traumatic childhood.  Our relationship in my late 20's has completely degenerated.  She refuses to speak to me whatsoever, and we haven't spoken for over a year.  Even worse, I am expecting my first child soon.  I am reaching out in this blog for some advice.  How do you heal such deep childhood scars when the other party will never participate in the process?  Thanks for responding. 

Hi Peanut, 

  

It would be nice if your mother would participate sweetie but if she's not acknowledged her toxic part in your life thus far it's not likely she will be doing so any time soon and you shouldn't hold up your happiness for a moment because of her.  It's not up to you to heal her side of the relationship which means the only person you are responsible for taking care of is yourself.  I can't say that it doesn't matter that she owns up to her role as your mother but the reality is even if she does somewhere down the line you can't put your life on hold waiting for it to happen.  What if it never does?  Some people just should never be parents and simply don't have what others of us feel to be the natural instinct to love, protect and nurture our children.  It takes so much more to be a parent, to nurture and love a child, than some have the capacity to give.  Some behave as if they are no more than vessels in which offspring are formed and they have no tangible connection.  In any case you have to take care of your own heart and spirit.  How sad that your mother has missed out on having a relationship with such a wonderful woman like you!  Her life is less for not having shared it as she could have knowing you.  Surround yourself with love, acceptance and positivity.  It won't change your mother but it will help you put enough emotional distance between yourself and her to be able to find the goodness in your life in spite of her.  Mourn the relationship you wish you might have had with a mother had she been able to fill that role then give your own child and yourself all the love you missed.  What an incredible gift that will be to your child and to you!  Don't allow a poisonous legacy to continue to mar your life or color what you will have with your own child.  Know that at least from here I send you hugs, heart, and wishes for the brightest future there is to have!   

  

(((Hugs))) 

Vicki 

 

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blank
April 3, 2006, 6:18 pm CDT

04/03 Mommy Dearest

Quote From: vicksin1

Hi Peanut, 

  

It would be nice if your mother would participate sweetie but if she's not acknowledged her toxic part in your life thus far it's not likely she will be doing so any time soon and you shouldn't hold up your happiness for a moment because of her.  It's not up to you to heal her side of the relationship which means the only person you are responsible for taking care of is yourself.  I can't say that it doesn't matter that she owns up to her role as your mother but the reality is even if she does somewhere down the line you can't put your life on hold waiting for it to happen.  What if it never does?  Some people just should never be parents and simply don't have what others of us feel to be the natural instinct to love, protect and nurture our children.  It takes so much more to be a parent, to nurture and love a child, than some have the capacity to give.  Some behave as if they are no more than vessels in which offspring are formed and they have no tangible connection.  In any case you have to take care of your own heart and spirit.  How sad that your mother has missed out on having a relationship with such a wonderful woman like you!  Her life is less for not having shared it as she could have knowing you.  Surround yourself with love, acceptance and positivity.  It won't change your mother but it will help you put enough emotional distance between yourself and her to be able to find the goodness in your life in spite of her.  Mourn the relationship you wish you might have had with a mother had she been able to fill that role then give your own child and yourself all the love you missed.  What an incredible gift that will be to your child and to you!  Don't allow a poisonous legacy to continue to mar your life or color what you will have with your own child.  Know that at least from here I send you hugs, heart, and wishes for the brightest future there is to have!   

  

(((Hugs))) 

Vicki 

This goes to Mari, Jessica and all of us who have lived this sad experience with the one person in our life who was supposed to have loved us most...  (((HUGS))) 

  

Vicki 

 

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April 14, 2007, 8:12 am CDT

Saving Grace... (and the rest of us who know...)

Saving Grace…

 

We all have our stories, here’s mine.  When I was six my mother had an older woman who would baby-sit a couple hours in the afternoons until she got home from work.  There were three of us, myself as the oldest, my sister who was almost four years younger and a brand new baby brother.  I remember on one occasion the woman’s 17 year old son came over.  At first he was just a big kid playing with us.  It was fun that here was this guy who looked like a grown up but played like a kid.  He’d pick me up and tickle me and for a while it was great fun…  That is until during one of those tickling moments he picked me up, put me across his lap, put his hand into my panties and stuck his finger inside me.  I immediately struggled away and ran from him.  He knew what he’d done was wrong and I’m sure that he didn’t pursue because he was worried I was going to go tell his mom but I didn’t.  Even then I knew what he’d done was wrong, invasive to say the least but I didn’t really know the woman who was caring for us so I didn’t feel comfortable telling her.  I hid for an over an hour or so against a wall beside a chair until my mother got home.  Funny how the son left not too long after his offense and I though I remember the sitter wondering where I was that she didn’t look for me.  Maybe I really had disappeared like I’d been sitting there hoping to so he couldn’t come back and find me again.  Even when my mom got home I didn’t tell.  I was ashamed of what had happened and even though I hadn’t done anything I still had to wonder if I’d done something to cause it.  Sure, I know now as an adult that I didn’t but I still remember vividly the experience and the thoughts that I had and that was forty years ago.  So with that in mind I can’t help but think how brave that little girl was to tell her grandmother what had happened.  How trusting she had been that her grandmother would protect her, save her from the horror of what had happened and then to have her choose to protect the molester instead of the child.  So not only had her body been violated along with the trust and care she should have been receiving from one grandparent but now it was being repeated by the other.  How can either justify their actions?  How can a woman take back into her bed, allow him to touch her and not only keep in her life but work to protect someone who could do such a thing to a child, no less their grandchild.  I’m appalled that they try to ease their guilt and soothe their conscience by somehow thinking they are a step above the child molester who one typically envisions lurking on street corners luring children with promises of candy or gifts.  They’re worse.  The unknown predator is self centered and cares only for his own gratification by using the innocent.  What excuse could a family member create that could possibly justify in their own minds to do this to someone that they are sworn by blood to love and protect?  What twisted logic exists in a mind that creates fiction to justify such horrors on a child?  Steve says that he got away from God and that’s why he did it.  No.  He stepped away from humanity.  One doesn’t need God to tell us what is always right and wrong.  We all have our own scale built inside us in which we measure right from wrong, good to bad and the choices we make to one side or the other are solely our responsibly. 

 

When I was sixteen my mother’s 40+ live in boyfriend tried to initiate an ‘encounter’ with me.  I told him to back off and then locked myself in my room.  It was like I was six years old all over again.  For a long time again I didn’t tell my mother but from that point on I made sure that I stood between him and my sister and brother.  I knew that if he’d try something with me he couldn’t be trusted with them ever.  He was forever yelling at us and often tried to physically battle my little brother but I wouldn’t allow it.  I was in his face and fighting with all that I had to protect them.  At one point the tension got so bad that I’d decided that I either had to run away with my sister and brother to keep them safe while mom had this man in her house or I needed to tell her what was going on and what had happened.  I remember shaking and being scared to death to tell her but I did.  She had been ‘bothered’ but not as upset as I’d wished she would have been.  She did go home and ‘ask him about it.’  I don’t know what he said or what she said to him, she did say that he denied it of course, but he did leave the house although she did give him a car and money to help him out.  Even with him gone the problems didn’t end.  We grew further apart because she then made it a point to remind me how she had chosen me over him, which for me just seemed like it should have been the obvious choice in the first place.  But she really hadn’t and knowing it was what wedged us further apart.  She continued to see him though he never came back to the house but even after their relationship had ended I was forced to pay the price by being reminded often about how much she’d loved him but had still made him leave the house.  Quite the concession wasn’t it for your child…  Yes, that’s bitterness speaking even though my mother is now dead and has been for 10 years.  In all this sharing the point I want to make is that I know what this child feels.  I know how the choices that are being made now and in the future are going to shape her.  She’s got so much she’s going to have to sort through and I’m SO glad she has the show to help her heal but I have to say that I don’t care that the grandparents are upset, that grandpa has to register as a sex offender and that grandma doesn’t get to see her grand daughter.  They forfeited their rights by jointly defrauding this child of her innocence.  It was so far beyond ‘just a mistake.’  None of us are perfect, we make mistakes and sometimes we can correct them and make better choices when we’ve learned from them but there are just some choices  that you just can’t risk making another error on ever again and if that means removing that little girl from her grandparents’ life forever then that’s what it should be for her protection and peace of mind.  The very fact that they can’t even now want to do that for her sake shows that their selfishness is still ruling their decisions and they can’t be trusted to do what is best for her and may never be able to be.  At any rate, her parents MUST choose her over all others, even and especially against those who they may love but who have violated such a sacred trust.  Her foundation has been compromised so now her long term sense of safety and well being depends on their actions.  Coming from one who knows…

 

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sad
September 12, 2007, 4:35 pm CDT

Choices

I came to the message board thinking that I might add my two cents on the nanny affair program.  While I was watching the show I had whole conversations in my head that I wanted to add to the boards.  How, if God had granted me the incredible opportunity to be on the show as I so desperately long to be for issues going on in my own life, I’d use all the magnificent resources that Dr. Phil could offer to help put my life to rights.  He’s the expert and the very fact that someone’s life is in disarray can’t be any more evidence that their own perceptions and self judgment is impaired.  How I would emotionally fillet myself in front of the world, acknowledging my part gladly in hopes that I could change the course I’d misdirected my life into.

Upon reading the first page of the board I realized that I just couldn’t and didn’t care enough about these adults to want to add too detailed a direct comment.  Dr. Phil will offer them the benefit of his infinite knowledge base and they’ll either take it or not and I somehow believe that none of them are at the point where they are entirely open to all the changes that they are truly required to make to correct their issues.  In any case it was them making the choices and them who would reap the consequences of such.  None of us are perfect and the phrase always runs through my mind when thinking of too harshly judging another – but by the grace of God go I (or something that I love).  Not that I’m beyond making judgment, though I do tend to keep my own counsel more often than sharing it, I’m human and that aspect is part and parcel of the beast. 

I suppose my lack of interest was equally because I really find it hard to worry about the problems of others when I have so many of my own that feel as though they’re robbing my soul.  I’ve requested the combined efforts of Dr. Phil and his staff but I’ve not as yet had the fortune of having it offered though as long as I’m still here I can still hold out hope. 

So I say in that vein; Amy, Brandon, Heidi – grasp this coveted opportunity with both hands and hold on for all you’re worth.  This isn’t about a show or the audience or the posters here, it’s about your life and making it something rich and precious.  No one knows whether or not that means you’ll all continue your connects as they are now or not.  All you can do is accept the things you cannot change and change those that you can and hope that life gives you the wisdom to know the difference.  But if you accept something that is detrimental to your life rather than making the choice that you know you should make then don’t bitch when you have to pay the consequences.  Accept them and make better ones next time.

 

 

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frustrated
October 22, 2007, 7:43 am CDT

10/22 Exes at War

My God!  These people aren't mature enough to be called adults no less to be called parents!  My heart breaks for these kids and the suffering and damage all these 'responsible people are heaping on them.  Oh yes, they're resposible all right - for wrecking havoc not only on the lives of those children now but also down the road when it will effect their adult life and relationships.  The best advice he can give them is to stay away from each other and use a third party ONLY!!!  Its more than apparent that they mix as well as TNT and dynamite!
 

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hopeful
October 29, 2007, 12:33 pm CDT

The Solution

The older I get the more wisdom I find in idioms.  The one I find appropriate for this situation is “the sins of the father/mother will be visited upon the head of the child.’  It’s more than apparent that both of these people hold responsibility for the pain, disillusionment, betrayal, and future issues this child will endure.  Is one more responsible than the other?  Does it really matter?  I could sit here and argue one point or the other, if I wanted to but I don’t, and it would make no difference because the damage is done.  The cat is out of the bag, genie is out of the bottle, etc.  It’s a done deal.  What concerns me is that it continues being done here as well as in many other similar situations that haven’t found the good fortune of Dr. Phil intervening on the child’s behalf.  So instead of adding my bat to beating these people up over what already cannot be undone I’ll instead send my most sincere hopes and wishes that better judgment will now rule and that life can be mended to all their benefit.

What I came for is propose a solution that seemed glaringly apparent to me.  It won’t correct the current occurrences of like events but it can curtail it for future generations.  First of all a birth certificate is a legal and binding document so I’m amazed that this hasn’t become common practice before now.  Why a person can simply be named on a legal binding document without proof of that person’s party to paternity is simply legally irresponsible on all sorts of levels.  At any rate my solution is to add paternity testing to the standard testing that they do on any infant when it is born.  Problem solved.  Perhaps such a solution might have further benefits of being a deterrent to behavior that would so negatively effect so many others outside themselves for so long after the fact.  Accountability – what a concept!  For those who oppose this solution one would have to question their motivation and wonder if there may not be some duplicitous reasoning that would cause such opposition.  It’s easy to rant over a problem, everyone does it.  Better to just resolve it and get on to the next issue.  There’s always going to be plenty more waiting in line…

 

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hopeful
October 29, 2007, 4:04 pm CDT

REPOSTING: The Solution

Quote From: vicksin1

The older I get the more wisdom I find in idioms.  The one I find appropriate for this situation is the sins of the father/mother will be visited upon the head of the child.  Its more than apparent that both of these people hold responsibility for the pain, disillusionment, betrayal, and future issues this child will endure.  Is one more responsible than the other?  Does it really matter?  I could sit here and argue one point or the other, if I wanted to but I dont, and it would make no difference because the damage is done.  The cat is out of the bag, genie is out of the bottle, etc.  Its a done deal.  What concerns me is that it continues being done here as well as in many other similar situations that havent found the good fortune of Dr. Phil intervening on the childs behalf.  So instead of adding my bat to beating these people up over what already cannot be undone Ill instead send my most sincere hopes and wishes that better judgment will now rule and that life can be mended to all their benefit.

What I came for is propose a solution that seemed glaringly apparent to me.  It wont correct the current occurrences of like events but it can curtail it for future generations.  First of all a birth certificate is a legal and binding document so Im amazed that this hasnt become common practice before now.  Why a person can simply be named on a legal binding document without proof of that persons party to paternity is simply legally irresponsible on all sorts of levels.  At any rate my solution is to add paternity testing to the standard testing that they do on any infant when it is born.  Problem solved.  Perhaps such a solution might have further benefits of being a deterrent to behavior that would so negatively effect so many others outside themselves for so long after the fact.  Accountability what a concept!  For those who oppose this solution one would have to question their motivation and wonder if there may not be some duplicitous reasoning that would cause such opposition.  Its easy to rant over a problem, everyone does it.  Better to just resolve it and get on to the next issue.  Theres always going to be plenty more waiting in line

I’m reposting this because I feel its an important idea and one that shouldn’t be lost amongst so many pages of an understandably active and tumultuous board.

 

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blank
February 15, 2008, 7:37 am CST

God's Assistance

As soon as I saw this show begin an old joke I'd once heard kept running through my mind...  There was a man who lived in a house near where a river has flooded.  The authorities came to evacuate the neighborhood but the man refused to leave telling the officers, "The Lord will provide!  He'll see me through."    The water rises to where the man had to go to the second floor of his home at which point rescuers came in a boat and told the man to get in the boat and they'd take him to safety.  Again the man refused and said, "God will provide, he'll see me through!"  The waters continued to rise and the man had to go to his roof because the water was now that high.  A helicopter came and they begged the man to please let them take him to safety.  Again the man refused saying the same things.  He drowned.  When he got to heave he met with God and asked, Lord, why did you let me die?  I thought you'd save me, thought you'd see me through!?"  God looked at him and shaking his head in pity and said, " And who do you think sent the authorities, the boat and the helicopter?"   God is sending these people help via Dr. Phil.  In all that have asked for it, Dr. Phil has chosen them to  bring on this show and he has resources that the rest of us have prayed to have access to.  They'll get their help but I somehow doubt that they'll see that it was God who has sent them the gift of Dr. Phil's intervention.  Nuff Said...
 

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