Messages By: vickicouch

Melissa, no one knows unless they've been there. Just like you, I live it every day. My child was also born with a disability, so I know what that does to your life.  Its not about accepting the diagnosis or being in denial.  People around you feel that you need to get over it and move forward. You and I both know that it does not work that way.  Its ongoing, every single day of your life. Its overwhelming and it makes other people uncomfortable. Its very isolating and lonely. You said yourself how helpless you feel. I understand that, because we can't fix our babies. Its a devastating feeling, a kind of grieving that only one of us could understand.

I,too, gained and gained, and lost myself in the process. How could I not be a different person after this?  I shoved my feelings down with food. Sometimes I was afraid I might start screaming and never stop. Even my husband has never understood. I feel as if I had no support system at all. I would like to say that I got a handle on things, but not quite.......My child is doing great at age 14 (still disabled) but I am the aftermath, 100lbs. overweight, my totally gray hair falling out, diabetes and high blood pressure, all at age 41.  I can pass as a senior citizen !

Melissa, you are so young to be dealing with this....I wish I could be there for you. I've got a feeling that your mom just does not know how when it comes to your son. I hope the two of you will become closer.  You are probably an excellent mother to your son, but you are moving around on auto-pilot for yourself. For myself, it was like coming out of a fog after 7 years, asking myself what the hell happened to me. I still don't know how to turn it around. 

You could probably take Randy and your family out of this equation, and find that you are still facing these same problems. I saw your beautiful "before" pics. Melissa, you are still beautiful. But you have turned on yourself, and I think it has more to do with your feelings and emotions regarding your son.  Despite all the love you have for him, I know how much it hurts sometimes.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.