Messages By: mentalpause1

The fact that women - particularly middle-aged women are being so easily duped really saddens me - and frankly makes me a little angry as well.  C'mon girls - I'm 50 years old and have been a single parent for a very long time.  I've had bad relationships (hasn't everyone) and for the last six years I've purposely not had any romantic relationships with men because I decided I needed to devote my time and attention to raising my sons and giving them the time and energy I spent in the past on unworthy men.  I have four more years until my youngest is out of high school, and honestly I don't know that even then I'll want to get back into "the market" again.

 

This time away from being on "the hunt" has turned out to be the best thing I could have ever done - for me.  It's given me time and perspective to understand why I never found that perfect match - because I had so little self respect or self confidence that I was always desperate to accept whatever crumbs were thrown at me the moment they were thrown at me.  This time has given me time to grow personally, develop deeper friendships with my female friends and pursue personal interests that give me so much satisfaction and have helped grow my self confidence.

 

All that said, what makes me sad is that there seem to be so many women out there in my age group who throw every bit of their intelligence out the window and are so willing to be duped, scamed, lied to and screwed over just for the attention of a man.  It makes me sad that these women are so lonely and desperate that even the most educated among us act like stupid, hormonal school girls.  The big difference is school girls don't generally have thousands of dollars to be scammed out of - they're not losing their life savings.

 

I'm not much of a bleeding heart I'm afraid - mostly because I had to learn the hard way that if something (or someone) is too good to be true, that's generally the case.  I don't mean to be harsh - I'm middle-aged and overweight myself - but c'mon girls, if some handsome, 30-something guy falls all over himself professing never-ending love for a 50-something, overweight, dowdy woman and THEN asks for money - all I can say is "What the hell are you thinking?"  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that if someone is working overseas, the company they're working for will bring them back to the states when their assignment is over.  Heckfire, even if they're fired, the company would get them back home.

 

Where are our brains, women?  It's been said people with nothing to hide, hide nothing.  When we don't even ask the simplest of questions to gain information about a person we profess to love then who's the stupid one?  What saddens and angers me at the same time is women of my peer group who are intelligent, creative, vibrant people seem to so easily fall for what seems (at least to my simple logic) an obvious crock of hooey by letting their loneliness and fantasy desires of Mr. Wonderful overrule their good sense.  It's great to still believe, but I think the belief needs to be tempered with maturity and common sense.

The cheating by the men profiled on the show has nothing to do with their wives.  Nothing - and I mean nothing any woman in their life could do, including spending thousands on plastic surgery or bending over backwards and kissing her own butt will stop these guys from cheating.  It has nothing to do with the way the women look - that's just a sorry excuse because these guys are so shallow and so afraid to take a real look at themselves, it's easier to blame someone else - in this case their wives.

 

Why do they cheat?  Mostly because they're immature, insecure, undeveloped human beings.  And the "prettier" they are - the more damaged they are.  If the only "good" quality a person has (or thinks they have) is physical beauty - they're in for a lifetime of battling time and aging.  Frankly, the reason Dyson is so damned bored has nothing to do with Rebecca - it's that he's being faced with the truth that he's living with what he created ... literally.  He's faced with the truth that physical beauty is just that - it's boring.  He never grew and matured and developed other qualities that are the real sustainers of a genuine person and a genuine relationship.  And because he hasn't developed those qualities himself, he doesn't recognize those qualities in others.  He's trying to paint a rainbow with only one color and until he seeks out a broad spectrum of colors - he's going to be bored with the one-color rainbow he's created for himself.

 

If all a man has to offer me is a handsome face, a well-built physique and an ego that needs stroking every hour on the hour - I can get that by watching any prime time TV drama like "Gray's Anatomy."  I know men are far more visual than women in terms of what attracts them, but sooner or later most of them realize their lives are boring because they need to seek out a paintbox with a rainbow of colors. 

 

What is truly attractive are the sustainable, genuine qualities in a person.  Their humor, their intelligence, their passion, their compassion, their conviction to their beliefs.  My grandmother always used to say, "pretty is as pretty does."  None of the people on today's show are particularly pretty by that measure.  Until we women realize that real men - the ones worth having - are the ones who paint with all the colors in the paintbox - then we're going to settle for monochromatic, weak, insecure men like George and Dyson who are so immature and clueless about themselves, they're going to continue to blame the women in their lives for boring them.

 

I don't hold out much hope that Dyson will change - he's got no clue to why he's so bored and boring.  Too bad for him.  I hope that the help Dr. Phil finds for Rebecca takes hold, because I see her as weak and insecure as well - and she may be too willing to continue being blamed for Dyson's monochromatic life.  Rebecca - you're a physically beautiful woman, but peel that away and challenge yourself to let all of your beauty out and then you'll see how much you don't need a pathetic man like Dyson.

 

And Tiffany - don't spend another dollar on plastic surgery.  I wish you the same enlightenment I do Rebecca - spend the time and resources on developing all the colors in your own toolbox and let your husband shade his eyes from the light!

I was just participating in an online discussion about age differences in relationships on another message board - must be a hot topic.

 

In general my personal thinking is there are far more important compatibility issues in a relationship than age - honesty, integrity, like values, core beliefs, life philosophy and so much more.  Maybe age isn't an issue to some people - but if some of the issues I cited above aren't on their radar screen - my guess is the probability for a long-lasting, peaceful relationship border somewhere between slim and none.

 

As for Dr. Phil's guests - Jacqueline and Sanjay - good googly moogly!  I can't see much in their relationship that is compatible except their ages.  He wants a cute little trophy he can be a Svengali to and thus mold her into his perfect little woman, while she thinks that playing grown up with a man twice her age makes her a grown up.

 

I could scarcely watch either of them - she's such a simpering, whiney little child who resorts to childish crying and princess tantrums in the face of adult debate - and he thinks he's Mr. Studly because she's arm candy.  Please - they're both immature, shallow and clueless.  Dr. Sanjay - you said your late wife was wonderful but you don't want another woman like her - well, you definitely got your wish - this child you're cavorting with and making an ass of yourself over is no woman in any way, shape or form - unless your sole definition of a woman requires her only to have a head of shiny hair and a tight body.

 

They deserve each other.  But mark my words - Sanjay will get sick of playing daddy to a shallow, airheaded, immature woman-child about the time she begins either popping out babies or decides "Pops" just isn't much fun anymore and starts running around on him.

 

I can't say it's a new scenario - it's just a simple, stupid one.

 How do I know she'll start running around on him?  Life experience.  This relationship is doomed from the start because it's not a relationship of equals - it's a parent-child relationship and sooner or later one or both of them will grow tired and stray.  Your response indicates to me that you are a young person so I understand you think I'm a big meanie.  I hope your life experience proves you correct.

I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth!

 

Good lord woman - what the HELL are you thinking?  Why would you EVEN ask anyone if they think this relationship is close to OK?  You already know the answer or you wouldn't be asking.  You just don't care that it's so hideously wrong because it makes *you* feel good at a time in your life when you're not feeling good about yourself.  Foisting yourself on a boy - yes, he's still a boy - isn't going to make you feel any better once you pull your head out of your ... wherever it is right now.

 

You are absolutely exploiting the fact this boy doesn't have a good relationship with his own mother and salving your own hurt feelings over the disintegration of your marriage.  Does it hurt and make we women question our attractiveness, femininity and worth when we experience a breakup or divorce?  Of course it does!  But REAL adult women don't seek comfort in the arms of another - especially a child and especially a child who needs a stronger relationship with his OWN mother, not someone else's.

 

Shame on you for doing what you know is wrong just because it serves your immediate needs.  Shame on you for doing this to your children - all of them - but most of all to your oldest son.  You've not only molested his best friend and probably ruined the friendship between them; you've not only ruined your credibility as his mother and caused him to question his importance and your love for him - but you've undoubtedly humiliated him in front of friends and family alike.  He's paying for your misdeeds - count on it.  And I can't even begin to imagine the damage you've inflicted on your other children through your selfishness.  Shame on you indeed!

 

The difference between a true grown-up and a person of adult age is that a true grown-up, especially a parent - knows the right thing to do, even if its difficult, and does it because it is the right and responsible thing to do - and the right and responsible thing to model to others.  The person of adult age does what he or she darned well pleases without consideration of consequences to others, just because it feels good or fills a need right here and now.  You know better - now do better!!!

 

While I know as sure as I'm breathing you know how wrong this is - even if you had a question in your mind you certainly didn't need to go on national TV and advertise the fact you're a selfish, immature and unfit mother.  All you had to do was simply put yourself in either your son's shoes or the place of your victim's mother.  Turn the tables lady - how'd you like it if the mother of one of your son's friends seduced him behind your back and then tried to justify it?  How'd you like it if the father of one of your daughter's friends slept with her - even if she was 18?  How would you have liked it if your father carried on with your best friend when you were in high school?  No way you would like any of those scenarios.  Here's a clue - you wouldn't like it done to you and/or yours, so you don't do it to someone else.  It's a concept I taught both of my sons from a very early age.

 

Finally - I have two sons - 22 and 15.  I thank my lucky stars both of them are self confident young men who would never even entertain the idea of such an inappropriate relationship - especially with the parent of a friend.  But there's little luck involved - their self confidence and good values are a product of my teaching, my modeling and my choices as their parent.  My parenting skills are a product of my own incredible parents - who both broke the cycle of dysfunction from their childhoods and modeled making good, adult decisions even if they were tough ones or required self sacrifice.   That's what parents do - they sacrifice for their children and they do the right thing, no matter how difficult or selfless it is.

 

I don't have a problem with age differences in relationships between true, consenting adults.  But an immature, emotionally needy 17-year-old doesn't magically become a mature adult just because he has a birthday.  And no matter what kind of BS you tell yourself about how you have so many things in common - by your own admission, this is just a selfish fling for you to make yourself feel better.  He doesn't know what it is.  Someone needs to grow up here and do what's right - and that someone needs to be you!

 

No - I hurl buckets outside my mouth.

 

Wrong is wrong, no matter the gender or age.

 

Of course my personal belief is the reason young women do the Playboy thing is purely for the money and "fame" they hope to gain from it.  The "reality" show currently on cable - the Girls Next Door - does make me want to vomit - and a lot more.  But that's all TV, Hollywood and hype, the story profiled on Dr. Phil is more reflective of what's (sadly) going on in many of our real-life neighborhoods.

 

 

Since you're young - you have no way of knowing that by the time a woman reaches her sexual peak, she's interested in far more than sexual prowess in a man and can quite frankly run circles around a male at his sexual peak.  And frankly - quantity ain't got nuttin' on quality.

 

I know my comments to you will be wasted simply because you're 20 years old.  It's not an insult or a put-down - it's just a fact.  Twenty years from now an 18-year-old will be a baby in comparison to the life you've lived and experiences you've had.  And since sex - and I mean really, really good sex, has very little to do with the physical act and everything to do with what's between the ears - an 18-year-old won't hold a candle to a man with maturity, sensitivity, intelligence and experience.

 

Just think of what you have to look forward to!  ;-)

I too, admire you both. Glori - I know it must have been hell dealing with an irresponsible person like Jerry. I know it must be maddening to this day to have him heap blame on you for the breakup of your marriage. You know, I trust - everything he says, especially to himself, is just a feeble attempt to shirk responsibility again. And Kayla - I'm sure as a young girl all of this was horribly difficult to understand. As Dr. Phil would say, your father's actions definitely wrote on the slate of who you are. The good thing is you and your mother share a bond of strength and good values and integrity. I share your belief that Jerry is in no small way accountable for your brother/son's demons. What Jerry will never understand is a child of 13 isn't grown and isn't capable of really understanding that a parent's actions aren't their fault. Kids just want the love and respect of their parents - especially the same-sex parent and will go to nearly any lengths to get that love and respect, even if the parent in question is completely dysfunctional and incapable of doing the right thing. My personal belief is that Jerry and people like him are exactly where they ought to be - on the fringes of society. I believe first and foremost in personal responsibility - and that we pretty much choose the situations and circumstances of our lives by the way we carry out those responsibilities. Jerry is just one of those who will never grow up and will never understand what integrity and love really are. Dr. Phil is spot-on. Let Jerry disappear into the fog of the Mississippi. Forgive him because it releases you from all your anger and negativity, no matter how warranted. Do follow his example on one point - don't give him another thought and do your best to enjoy each and every moment of your life without the burden of his dark cloud. Blessings to you both.

This woman has been cleared of all charges against her - what part of that are y'all missing?  And at least one of her accusers has been found to be deceptive in his accusations.  What part of that are y'all missing? 

 

Certainly, instances of abuse by educators, care-givers and even parents of children goes on every single day.  If we knew the exact numbers I'm sure we'd all be dumbfounded.  That's why false accusations are so very damaging.  Here's the thing - when people cry wolf - everyone gets hurt in the end - especially the one doing the crying.  The burden of proof ends up falling on the falsely accused party - and in way too many cases, this one included - even if the individual(s) is exhonorated 100% of the false claims against them, the damage done by the accusation can destroy them in so many ways - financially, emotionally, career-wise ... it can ruin relationships, reputations, families.  And in so many cases of false accusation - there's no redress - the accuser basically gets away with destroying someone's life - or at the very least - damaging it horribly.

 

Crying wolf also casts a pall of doubt on those who are truly being abused.  It makes it far more difficult for real victims to come forward and be believed.  It makes it far more difficult for law enforcement and the justice system to pursue and punish perpetrators.  It's a drain on so many resources and it muddies and confounds already strained systems.

 

My personal opinion as a parent of a grown son and a current teen-age son is that teen-agers have a tough row to hoe.  Their brains aren't fully formed and they often make completely hairbrained choices without regard for the consequences - they do things out of spite, or revenge, just to test their own power or to see the reaction and fallout of their actions and choices.  Mercifully for many of them, their stupid choices aren't big enough to do more than teach them a valuable lesson and not marr them for life.  Sadly - many of them are making bad choices the long-term ramifications of which they cannot even, with their undeveloped, pea brains, fathom.

 

Obviously the boy in this story thought his French teacher was hot.  He's certainly not the first, nor will he be the last, adolescent male with unbridled hormones and wild lustful fantasies swimming around in his unfinished brain and body.  Nor would he be the first or last young man to fabricate his fantasies into wild, boastful tales to his friends.  Even some of the first responses here are from males who confirm this very thing.  Generally when people are called on their lies - fanciful or  not - the most common reaction is to defend the lie so as not to be humiliated.  When young people, from fine, upstanding families (at least image-wise) are caught in these tales - it becomes imparative to them to save face with their parents, family, friends - the community.

 

In some families - particularly, I think socially visible ones - the tendency is to save face at all costs - which in turn blows some very benign incidents or "stories" to monsterous proportions.  I also think in some instances,  families of this sort - or at least individuals within the families - like all the chaos, drama and attention they get from being the victim - with absolutely no consideration for the real truth or damage inflicted on the real victims.

 

Clearly - in cases like this one there are two people - and only two people - who know the truth.  In every case someone is being damaged for a lifetime - if not both parties.  The rest of us are left to figure out who is telling the truth - because clearly whoever is lying isn't coming forward.  Polygraph tests, legal proceedings and other means of determining the truth are merely poor substitutes for the real thing.  In this case - the legal findings are in favor of the accused.  That's supposed to mean something - but the fact that her former employer continues to defame her and support her accusers - clearly shows a legal finding can mean nothing.

 

I find all cases like this not only exceedingly frustrating and maddening - but a very sad commentary on our society in general.  Someone here is lying to save their own skin and cover their own misdeeds and poor choices - and in so doing have dragged so many people through so much unnecessary anguish and anger.  If the accusers are being truthful - this woman and other perpetrators like her - are seriously twisted, sick individuals in need of punishment, help and monitoring.  If the accused is being truthful, then her life, reputation, health and well-being, relationships and career have been nearly destroyed by lies and coverups - and in the end, her accusers will be the ones to really pay with a lifetime of guilt and more lies.

 

But to me - to bash someone who's been proven innocent in court and may, in fact, really be innocent and who has had their life turned upside down may just be perpetuating a lie.  We can have our opinions and guesses about who's telling the truth - but unless and until someone steps up and tells the real truth - we're all just armchair judges watching yet another preventable tragedy unfold.

She won't "find someone" because she's got all she wants with her canine son.  What she needs to find is some serious therapy - the girl has issues!