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Messages By: markiemom
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September 27, 2008, 3:02 pm PDT
 Quote From: tigger2908 I have been separated for 7 years, having been married for 23. For the last 8 years of our marriage, my ex-husband suffered from Clinical Depression. As far as I know, he still does. We have no direct contact.
During the early part of our separation, my ex accused me of alienating our two sons from him. The accusation came to me through my lawyer. While he has stopped accusing me (at least I haven't heard anything more) it was extremely hurtful at the time and I still remember the feeling it caused.
I consider myself a good Mom and I think my sons agree. I'd be lying if I said that I have never said a bad word about my ex to them. After all, I'm human. However, it is his behaviour that has alienated our older son, not anything I said. Without going into it all, my ex is guilty of physical abuse (just once, that's all it took), emotional abuse (saying that our sons would be better off in foster care than with me - if I'm so bad, why didn't he take them?) and financial abuse (he refuses to pay child support), For the first couple of years, I insisted that both sons see their father. Eventually, our older son got to the age where he could make his own choice. He chose to cut off all contact. Our younger son still has a relationship with his father, which I do not discourage in any way.
My point is that just because a child cuts off contact with the non-custodial parent, it's not always the fault of the costodial parent. Some of these people have to take ownership for their own behaviour and accept the fact that they just might be at fault.
Karen I just settled a long drawn out painful custody battle with my ex. I am so not happy with the results but I felt it was the best thing I could do for my children even though the decision goes against my grain. I divorced a controling abusive, selfish man. To make a long story short - I am not allowed to move from the county the kids were born in even though I would like to move within the same state. I have a job and a house waiting for me out of town but am living on welfare in poverty here where the kids are court ordered to stay. This was all because my ex didn't want me to go and happened to say all the right things to the custody evaluator. I completely got shafted and was told by my attorney and his assistant that I just have to wait for my ex to screw up. Well, his alchohol abuse and the fact that he took my kids and kept them from me for 11 days so I couldn't move as we had verbally agreed don' t mean anything to the court system. He hasn't gotten so much as a slap on the wrist. I have to sit back and watch my kids get messed up and wait for them to be old enough to realize what is going on. I agree with what Karen says - what if the kid honestly doesn't like the other parent? I haven't said anything to my youngest and he cries everytime he has to go to his dad's house. He had 2 episodes at daycare regarding not wanting to go and the custody evaluator took the word of his father (who wasn't there!) that it didn't happen. She never asked the daycare provider - nothing. Instead I get accused of alienating and am being dictated how to raise my kids. Why do so many people think that because they are kids - they are stupid. Even their own father won't give them credit for being intelligent enough to see what is going on. I haven't had to say anything to the kids but no one will listen to them directly either.
Bitter in Minnesota |
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