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Messages By: blrwrjs
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December 9, 2005, 12:10 am PST
 Here is a brief history(I will try to make it brief) I met my husband when I was 13, he was 14. We started dating that day. We had some kind of connection, I know that sounds cheezy but we did and still do. Anyways, within the first couple of months as I got to know the real guy inside him the cycles started. He became extremly controling, not letting me have friend, not letting me smoke or doing anything. He was very abusive in all forms possible. I stuck with him for 2 years. I finally broke and moved out of the city to stay with my gramma leaving no way for him to contact me because I was terrified of his reaction. He as I feared became suicidal trying to overdose on over the counter meds and trying at all cost to contact me. He commited to a youth mental facility and they tried to treat him but at this point he was untreatable. All he could do was miss me and wanted me back. After a few months I moved back home, began a new relationships and partied all summer long. I drank every night and hung out with drug addicts etc... My husband I will call him 'R' was doing a bit better, he was trying to move on. He was also involved in drinking, drugs and unfortunatly petty crimes like breaking into cars etc... I saw him one day as I was driving with my new boyfriend (who I might add was a diagnosed schizophrenic) and I saw Rob and instanly wanted to see him again. So of course within 2 hours I had contacted him and asked if we could see each other and boom! the Cycle started again. At first I was in complete control but he slowly started to become abusive again. That was 9 years ago. Everything just continued to get woarse and better, woarse and better. In 2000 we got married after finding out I was pregnant. Things were okay. The abuse continued through out my pregnancy. We had neighbors phone the police on us on our honeymoon night because we were fighting over what clothes I should bring on our fishing trip/homeymoon. We struggled financialy due to my husbands obsesive need to buy and have everything, and our pot smoking habit ( I DID NOT smoke pot through my pregnancy). We could not afford to pay for our rent, food, bills and if it was not for his mother we would of starved! I worked a full time job that I loved and he was self employed/unemployed, and has always had a hard time with attending and behaving in school/work enviroments. Not to mention the fact that he has been on a go to bed at 4am get up at 3pm sleep scheduale virtualy his whole life. So things continued. Eventually his mother went completly broke, and my parents had been the co signer of numerous loan payments which were not being payed by us so they too were getting fed up. Nobody new our dirty little secrets, we were extreamly good at hiding them and for some reason I didn't reach out. My husband became irrate when we had no money so he was constantly finding ways to buy something expensive on credit and then sell it for cash, so needless to say we were making everyone broke and racking up a $20,000 +++ debt load. in 2002 I again got pregnant and we were excited things got better for a while, R worked quite a bit, I fluked out and got an amazing job I could do from home and still care for our 1yr old son. So we had money to fan the flames. In the summer 2003 he had a blow up in front of my family for the first time. My familyies reaction was strong, but not strong enough. I wouldn't really let them confront R for fear of his reactions to them. I finally was able to tell R that I thought he had some mental health issues and It was time for him to get them looked at or I was going to take the kids and leave. He did go to his doctor and they started him on anti-depressents right away. He bagan a very minimal does of EFFEXOR (75mg I think) So I guess in his mind he was trying now and thing would just poof get better. Well as you can imagine they did not get better. We moved far from home to try and persue a better life. I found my husband travelling home every two weeks leaving me and the kids alone all the time. Finally enough was enough and we moved back home. We moved into his parents house. so There was Me, R, and our 2 kids under 3 living with both his parents and his younger brother. And in the suite downstairs a family friend lived with his family of 4. We were all packed in this house for a year. During that year we made more financial errors and ended up Bankrupt with NOTHING to our names. I didn't mind so much but my husband sure did. Near the end of the year his sister began to have trouble in her life and needed to move home with her 1 yr old daughter!!!! I new it was time for us to move but we had basicaslly no income and no where else to go. This is where the story gets woarse but better.... I am under the impression that you only have 20 minutes so I will make another post with the rest of my story and how I need help.
Stay Tuned
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December 9, 2005, 12:46 am PST
Quote From: blrwrjs Here is a brief history(I will try to make it brief) I met my husband when I was 13, he was 14. We started dating that day. We had some kind of connection, I know that sounds cheezy but we did and still do. Anyways, within the first couple of months as I got to know the real guy inside him the cycles started. He became extremly controling, not letting me have friend, not letting me smoke or doing anything. He was very abusive in all forms possible. I stuck with him for 2 years. I finally broke and moved out of the city to stay with my gramma leaving no way for him to contact me because I was terrified of his reaction. He as I feared became suicidal trying to overdose on over the counter meds and trying at all cost to contact me. He commited to a youth mental facility and they tried to treat him but at this point he was untreatable. All he could do was miss me and wanted me back. After a few months I moved back home, began a new relationships and partied all summer long. I drank every night and hung out with drug addicts etc... My husband I will call him 'R' was doing a bit better, he was trying to move on. He was also involved in drinking, drugs and unfortunatly petty crimes like breaking into cars etc... I saw him one day as I was driving with my new boyfriend (who I might add was a diagnosed schizophrenic) and I saw Rob and instanly wanted to see him again. So of course within 2 hours I had contacted him and asked if we could see each other and boom! the Cycle started again. At first I was in complete control but he slowly started to become abusive again. That was 9 years ago. Everything just continued to get woarse and better, woarse and better. In 2000 we got married after finding out I was pregnant. Things were okay. The abuse continued through out my pregnancy. We had neighbors phone the police on us on our honeymoon night because we were fighting over what clothes I should bring on our fishing trip/homeymoon. We struggled financialy due to my husbands obsesive need to buy and have everything, and our pot smoking habit ( I DID NOT smoke pot through my pregnancy). We could not afford to pay for our rent, food, bills and if it was not for his mother we would of starved! I worked a full time job that I loved and he was self employed/unemployed, and has always had a hard time with attending and behaving in school/work enviroments. Not to mention the fact that he has been on a go to bed at 4am get up at 3pm sleep scheduale virtualy his whole life. So things continued. Eventually his mother went completly broke, and my parents had been the co signer of numerous loan payments which were not being payed by us so they too were getting fed up. Nobody new our dirty little secrets, we were extreamly good at hiding them and for some reason I didn't reach out. My husband became irrate when we had no money so he was constantly finding ways to buy something expensive on credit and then sell it for cash, so needless to say we were making everyone broke and racking up a $20,000 +++ debt load. in 2002 I again got pregnant and we were excited things got better for a while, R worked quite a bit, I fluked out and got an amazing job I could do from home and still care for our 1yr old son. So we had money to fan the flames. In the summer 2003 he had a blow up in front of my family for the first time. My familyies reaction was strong, but not strong enough. I wouldn't really let them confront R for fear of his reactions to them. I finally was able to tell R that I thought he had some mental health issues and It was time for him to get them looked at or I was going to take the kids and leave. He did go to his doctor and they started him on anti-depressents right away. He bagan a very minimal does of EFFEXOR (75mg I think) So I guess in his mind he was trying now and thing would just poof get better. Well as you can imagine they did not get better. We moved far from home to try and persue a better life. I found my husband travelling home every two weeks leaving me and the kids alone all the time. Finally enough was enough and we moved back home. We moved into his parents house. so There was Me, R, and our 2 kids under 3 living with both his parents and his younger brother. And in the suite downstairs a family friend lived with his family of 4. We were all packed in this house for a year. During that year we made more financial errors and ended up Bankrupt with NOTHING to our names. I didn't mind so much but my husband sure did. Near the end of the year his sister began to have trouble in her life and needed to move home with her 1 yr old daughter!!!! I new it was time for us to move but we had basicaslly no income and no where else to go. This is where the story gets woarse but better.... I am under the impression that you only have 20 minutes so I will make another post with the rest of my story and how I need help.
Stay Tuned
His Family was blended. His real father whom he didn't have much contact with since age of 5 passed away from hard drug use while we were in our teens. So his 'step' family as people call them were always there for R but it was hard for him to accept them accepting him. So in October 2004 when we were in desperate and I mean deperate need of somewhere to live his 'step' grandparents offered to sell us there old motorhome so we could at least get our own space. We made a deal and bought it. We moved in and were excited. 1.5 months later my husband began to change again, he lashed out one day and almost lost us. His mom came running to our aid and took R straight to his doctor. Finally after 12 years of being with him I finally saw him see what he had been doing to us, he saw the marks inside and out on me and he saw the scares that he has emerging in our children. He was raised up on his EFFEXOR and put on Zyprexa. This did seem to help. He started to talk about being menatlly ill, he started to kind of research mental ilness and he was taking a more active role in getting better. We were all proud of the strength it took him to admitt he had a mental illness. Now we were still living in the motorhome and Rob had not gotten physically abusive again in fact Nov.14 2002 was the last major physical incident, Rob was getting closer with his grampa and we were kind of on the right track. His Gramparents vacationed every year in mexico with there new motorhome so on Boxing day 2004 we all said our good byes and away they went. February 22nd 2005 we got news that changed our whole world. Our family was really sick the worst flu we have ever had, and all 4 of us packed in this motorhome had it coming out of both ends(sorry to be crude) and the phone rang. Grampa had been drowned in Mexico!!!!! My husband instantly spun into MAJOR DEPRESSION< FEAR<ANXIETY<PANIC!!!! Life changed forever. He was constantly in fear of dying, of us dying or a natural disaster, he constantly had the fight or flight feeling. He stayed couped up in the motorhome for about 3 months, he would cry, and cry and cry, he would get mad sometimes but not at me. He was a wreck he was even getting suicidal. He was going to his doctor every week, and they were trying different medicine like Ativan and clonazepam and they took him off zyprexa and put him back on it and nothing made a strong difference. Except the Zyprexa I really believe that it is a really good med for him. They finally took him off EFFEXOR and put him on PAXIL. This has helped. We also sold our motorhome and moved into the suite of his parents house the moment it became available. This to has helped. I am taking a long time telling my story but there is so much to tell. Now we are living a non violent relationship but my husband is not the man he wants to be, and he has a huge problem with smoking pot. We are spending more than we make just on pot. Like 1000-1500 canadian a month!!!! and we only make like $1200 a month. My parents and his parents are footing the bill. I am begining to do unrational things like cashing my own cheques in my bank that i know are going to bounce(Ithink they call that fraud)to get money for him. It is now completly controling him. I feel like we are addicted to cocaine or something. I have bounced so many payments this month and i lie to him and say oh yeah everything is paid because I am worried about him being stressed out about money etc... I have my sons 5th birthday party tomorrow afternoon and have no money for it!!! My parents have been giving us at least 700 a month and they can't keep doing it. And I need to ask for more money again. He has in past threatened that they would not get to be involved in our lives if they don't help us financially so they feel cornered. I will say again that R has an extreamly good heart when his is not controled by his own fears and mental illness he is the most loving, sincere, honest husband, father, son and friend and that is why I have stuck it out. Pot has controled us for to long and I don't know what to do? How do you confront a mentaly unstable person about this? How do I get him help without pushing him over the edge? How do I even let him know I think it is a problem? Telling him is the obvious awnser but I literally don't know how to tell him. If anyone has any advice please tell me! I have been thinking about commiting my life to God but don't know how to do this either? I just want to be a healthy person, not this lying, worried, frustrated, irritatable person I have become. I am not the person I want to be and my children are starting to suffer (They don't have there happy go lucky mom they once had, I am always consumed with money and finding money and finding more money to keep the home front calm) Please help? |
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December 12, 2005, 2:18 pm PST
Quote From: azanco My 5 year old (Sabrina) used to have imaginary friends then became her own imaginery friend - Cher. Cher would come over and she would leave. She started doing this around 3 1/2. It started getting a little frustrating and I became concerned as well. I started talking to her about Sabrina and all the great things does and that I missed her while she was gone (while Cher visited)and that I loved her, then Sabrina would come back. Cher's visit came for shorter intervals. Now at 5, Cher is often talked about but rarely visits!! Good luck. I think that sounds like the perfect way to solve this problem and boost the childs self esteem while your at it. If I had this problem, which I might one day, this is definatly the approach I would take! |
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January 7, 2006, 7:13 pm PST
Quote From: citrisgal While I staunchly beleive that some behaviours, become "habit", it is also my humble opinion that in most cases they do so by "choice" whether we realize it or not.
I happen to have a tendency to bite my nails, which is a horrible habit and looks just as bad. I probably could stop, I've done it before, but I suppose I just don't try "hard" enough. Lets face it, we all curb certain habits or bad behaviours in public because we know them to be rude or socially unacceptable, and only seem to continue with those that society (and/or our families) have learned to accept.
It is for this reason that I find it difficult to CONTINUE to show compassion for those who persist on perpetuating detrimental and questionable behaviours.
This in fact has been a HUGE issue in our family where my in-laws are concerned. Hard-working people of more than modest means they have been limited in certain aspects of life, etiquette, and experiences. Trying to embrace them as part of my family, I have tried to BEFRIEND them and including them (much like I do my own family) in certain memorable (and cost-effective) experiences.
My in-laws have VERY LITTLE fashion sense or savvy (always wore hand me downs) so, I've taken the liberty to ask them (at least MIL) to go shopping with me and revamp (both) our looks, have paid for upgrading her curtains, bedspread, etc. Have given her gift certificates to salons and spas (upon HER making mention of being envious of never having had the experience). I've even offered to "teach" her about certain recipes, to organize her closet, decorate her home, whatever would help her boost her self esteem, confidence etc. The answer is ALWAYS the same. That's okay, you don't have to (but I "want" to), but she insist that (at 67) she is too old to care for how she looks, how her home looks, or what she cooks for just her and her spouse, plus, it's too much work for too short of a period of time (such as decorating for the holidays, or dressing up just for dinner), and her kids love her regardless. THEN, just the other day she called "lamenting" that my husband and I spent or enjoyed spending more time with my family because my family went "all out" for the holidays (decoration, music and food wise...all home prepared) and because (according to MIL) my mother was a better cook. When DH suggested she could do it if she tried, even if she catered and simply concentrated on making the home look and feel warm and cozy, she DISMISSED him by saying it would be too much work, she would have to fuss too much, etc., etc., etc. People like this feel sorry for themselves and I believe want others to feel sorry for themselves. It's not that they CAN'T change it's that they DON'T WANT TO and WON'T because they feel others give them sympathy and fail to realize that others are actually annoyed with them and often critcising them behind their back, and it has nothing to do with sympathy or pity, but rather with how ingratiating they are and tend to be. I hope that you don't judge your in laws because of apperances or styles. And I hope that you don't choose where you go on Christmas because of decorations and food. Christmas and all year long should be about loving our family and friends and supporting the decisions they make. I think that your in laws should be loved and accepted the way they are and they should not be constantly reminded that you want them to be someone else. |
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January 10, 2006, 6:11 pm PST
Quote From: mommom47 I want to thank Dr.Phil for giving Jeff and Heather an opportunity to have their thoughts expressed. I am not usually an advocate of airing laundry in front of National TV because you have to go home and face the music so to speak. However, I admire Jeff and Heather immensely for they are making the most of their dicisions inspite of what led them into making it. They are utilizing the services offered by Dr.Phil of an excellent therapist in their area to address the challenges and needs that they each have as young adults. The show was the catalyst for them walking the talk. Jeff and Heather want to make a happy family for themselves and their children. I am proud they are "my children" and I love them both with all my heart. Heather and Jeff are not afraid to take chances or risks to live their lives to the fullest. They are great people and wonderful parents. Just spend a little time with the kids and you know that these are happy, bright and personable kids. The good Lord knows what we need and will work this out for good because Jeff and Heather are willing to do their best and try to do whatever they can to make a difference. Happy marriages just don't happen. They take work and honesty. Once lust settles down, love settles in for those who decide to work at it. Love you both always , Mom xox I want to say Good Luck and I hope it all works out. I too married young and had children, my husband and I are not perfect but we are always there for each other. A marriage is something that needs to be worked on forever, I think from watching the show that things will be okay! God Bless. |
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August 11, 2006, 11:54 am PDT
I want to say that this Family and the Mother inpaticular should be praised for calling in the Dr. Phil show. She does not want to do this to her kids, she wants help, she needs help and she risked losing her kids to get that help. That takes more strength and guts then most of us have. She has done horrible unreversible things to her kids but SHE is the one calling in the help and saying please help me stop this. Just think of the millions of kids out there whos mothers really don't care, and just continue on until something bad happens, I am proud of this women and feel confident that she will rehabilitate herself. One more thing, Yes with no question these kids are not safe, but if they were to be put straight into foster care they would be even more traumitized, they love there parents. I think it is a positive thing for this family to work out there problems together so everyone can heal and learn what it really means to belong to a family.
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September 10, 2006, 1:04 am PDT
Quote From: jocelynn1107 I am a mother of three girls two of witch have autism. They are two and four. I love them dearly. I have the UT most patents for my children. But I notice it is other people I have no tolerance for. My husband for one but also other people. How can I have so much control when it comes to them but none for other people? It is confusing. I am so upset about this. My husband is in the army and he is absent a lot (not his fault) but I get so angry and frustrated because he is not around to help me. I never get a brake. I have just moved to a new state and have no friends or family for support. My kids are my world but I feel a little like I am lost in there lives. And when all is said and done there is nothing left for me. My husband works most weekends when he is home. And I just feel like I am doing everything on my own. Lately I have been feeling like I need a change in my life and am considering divorce. I am so alone and already handle everything. I have a tendency to blame the army because they know are kids are sick and they dont seem to care much. My husbands last deployment I had a bit of a breakdown and they sent him home 6 weeks early. Finding out my second child had autism hit me hard. They still dont care if he is there for us as long as he is there for them. I dont wont to be married to the Army anymore. But I Love my husband when he is around he is a good man. So confused any advice is Good advice jocelynn I wanted to also mention that where I live they have respite programs through our community resource center, they arange to have a qualified person look after your children in your own home, so you can do what ever you want. We actually have 3 different programs in our city, one of them is free for low income families and the other programs are quite affordable. If there are no programs available like that you should speak to someone and suggest starting a simular kind of program, sometimes co-op works well too. |
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