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Messages By: mlazanis2003

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sad
September 19, 2006, 7:01 pm CDT

I DO understand

Quote From: alwill210

Five years later and it's still not easy.  I lost my daughter and best friend at that same moment of her death.

It was just one year on 7/16/06 @ 1:40am that I lost my son James to the monster/deman of addiction. Everyone that new him and met him loved him.

He worked 24/7 and owned nothing. He was a carpenter and was building the Panthers homes here in NC.

My heart aches all day and all night.

Only a mother like you really knows.

 
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September 19, 2006, 7:18 pm CDT

I Know your pain

Quote From: nearby

Two months is no time at all. You are probably still numb. We go into a type of shock because we can't handle the reality of the death. So really, NO ONE can tell you how you should grieve or how fast or slow. If you are getting up and living life you are doing good. But the tears will come whenever they need to. A friend once told me, "Grief has no manners." Grief doesn't go by social rules. You will cry often (or not) at times you least expect it. My husband died sixteen months ago and I'm still crying, though not as much. I do feel I have made progress in my grieving but just when I think I'm through it - another wave hits me.  

 

I think dealing with the death of a child, especially your own, is a whole different ballgame. I don't really know because I haven't lost a child. I have known women who miscarried late in their pregnancy and are still grieving the loss of that child ten years down the road - and after having other children. But there are no set rules only people who can walk with you through your journey.

 

Talking is a good way to start. Tell us about your son and about what happened. It does help to let others share some of the weight of your grief. Sometimes we don't know what we are thinking or feeling until we do share it with someone. Stick with the friends who let you grieve and ignore the rest. If you can, get grief counseling through your church or a therapist that's even better. I am saying a prayer for you right now. Let us know how you are doing.             

Two months. You are still in shock. First let me say to you... don't listen to people that tell you how you should feel because they don't know this kind of pain.

I lost my son Jimmy on 7/16/05 @ 1:40am and he was 26-yrs old.

I know this pain.

I live this pain and feel it every single day. You will never forget, but you will smile again and laugh and when you hear funny stories about your angel you may even cry and laugh at the same time.

My advise to you is go slow and cry, scream, curse and don't worry about what anyone thinks.

My motto these days is... thats not the worst thing that could happen right???

I was in bed for 8-months and by all means get medication.... no matter what Tom Cruise says.

Baby steps.

Peace to you, Marey (Jimmy's mom)

 
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September 20, 2006, 4:16 pm CDT

Miss quoted

Quote From: life_lovin

I just now happended to glace back up at your message and saw your words "That's not the worst thing that could happen right now". Not sure why you chose those words but I've been begging God that nothing worse would ever happen; to just tell me there won't ever be anything worse.

 

I've been asking God that for years. When I was in college I was stalked and kidnapped by this 35-year-old with a mental illness. Details aren't necessary but it made me pray daily that he would never find my family and hurt them as he had threatened. I thought him returning and causing my family terror would be the worst thing that could ever happen.

 

A few weeks ago I realized that who knows what will happen in the future. Hopefully only good things but really who knows. This is all out of my control so I need to stop losing sleep over this. Don't know why this was such a revelation for me but it was.

I said "thats not the worst thing that could happen, right" there was NO "now" added to that. Your family is fine and safe and I really dont mean to be hurtfull but... there is absolutly NO camparison to your ordeal vs. loosing your child.

Best to you.

 
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September 20, 2006, 4:41 pm CDT

He is still young enough to help

Quote From: housewife376

I am a mother of a 17 yr old son  who is adicted to marijuana and cocaine. He is ruining his life.! The school called me today.. He has missed 6 days of school already this year,(school just started). I had no idea that he had missed these days. I am a very straight-minded person. I have made uncountable calls to try to get him help. I cannot get anywhere, at all. I have been told at one place, that it would take money to get him the help that he needs. Also, he is on a Medicaid HMO, that requires to fo be evaluated before they will even think of paying for any services at all. My son states that hewill not go to get evaluated. He has stated that if we take him to an appointment with a counselor we will never see him again. The resources available to us are very limited due to financial hardship.  I don't know what else to do. The school also told me that he talks and brags about using drugs. I was so embarassed. I come from a church-going  family. I have tried to do everything right for him and my other son. I have been married to their father for 21 yrs. now.  I don't know what to do, HOW DO I GET HIM THE HELP THAT HE NEEDS?  I believe thathe has been doing drugs for about a year, now that i look back on things. He is a senior in HS. Last year he quit basketball, which he loved very much. He played since he was in pre-school and is very talented. PLEASE HELP ME HELP MY SON!  I will appreciate any information and advice. We live in a rural community, I stayed here because i thought it was safer to raise the kids here than a city. I am afraid that my son is gong to die from cocaine poisioning.

Please respond.

Lioness376

It seems that your life is very simular to mine in so many ways.

My son did not even smoke ciggs. in high school but he drank and smoked pot. I live in NC in a town called "race city" where my son Jimmy worked building homes (Carolina Panthers homes). What I am getting at is... you need to take your son by the hand or the ear and get him into some kind of counsling or rehab while you still can. And as far as him saying that you will never see him again, at least in your heart you will know that you tried. I wish that I had your time. My Jimmy now lives with me in a creamation urn since 7/16/05. He was 26-yrs old when he accidently overdosed. You know what? He was respected by all that new him, he worked 6-days a week and loved kids and had the kindest heart with the elderly. I now have one son who is 25 and is so angry at his brother because he looked up to him.

My Jimmy left me due to cocaine and I cry and sob every single day.

I will never be the same, ever.

Help your son no matter what he says - he is still your baby!!

 
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September 20, 2006, 4:46 pm CDT

Breath, then pick up your phone and dial

Quote From: coffee831

 I get manicures and peducures and even botox, restylene and hair extension. I am high maintenance in most eyes. 

 

Only you can choose!

 

A phone call to find out about possible payments is stopping you? I don't want to call and ask this question, it sounds really stupid.

 

This is absolutely controlling my life. (so it is controlling your son's life too!)

 

 

My son is 7 and we are very close.  I am all that he has and he is all that I have.

 

When the reason is strong enough you'll pick up the phone or figure out a way to put aside the money. The things you claim are high maintenance are very expensive. Bet it wouldn't take long to get the money together?

 

Coffee  :)

I am sad for you because you feel that your looks are more usefull than your health?? What are you setting for your child for god sakes?? This is your life and you need to take control of it. Do you want to live to see your son have a first date or a kiss or marry?? What about grandchildren? You will be dead if you dont get control of your life.

Just my two cents.

 
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September 20, 2006, 4:56 pm CDT

Self Asteem?

Quote From: coffee831

keep going to al-anon for support. Perhaps there is a message your not hearing?

 

As scary as it may be, perhaps you should consider life beyond your husband. It is frustrating, it's lonely, but.....are you not already feeling alone?

 

Is your husband making an effort to stop drinking? Have you tried any counselling with him?

 

At some point, only you can make the decision for yourself and your children what life will look like in the future.

 

One of the sadest but most telling was watching a young man whose mother stayed with an alcoholic for as many years as you. He has no relationship with her and doesn't really want one. He resents all the years she spent with her husband and all the sadness this young man witnessed.

 

Your thinking of the future and that's good. Take the time to really see the possibilities. What if he doesn't stop drinking and it's now ten years later? You'll still be wishing, more pain suffered and perhaps in the process damage the relationship you have with your children beyond repair?

 

I hope to god not......but..... I see the pain in this young man's eyes and it breaks my heart!

 

Sometimes the best medicine is to mourn the loss of what we hoped for and move ourselves to a better life!

 

I pray you find the answers and strength you need!

Coffee  :)

Let me first say that I truly feel for you.

Now I want to scream... What are you doing with a guy that doesn't give a hoot about you??? Don't you realize that you ARE alone? You are wasting your life in hopes that he will come around and this is HIS problem NOT yours.

Move on honey.

 
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September 20, 2006, 5:08 pm CDT

Remember-me group

Quote From: wishon

My sister is going though some kind of substance addiction.  I was raised by two great parents and I never even tried drugs and I will never understand how she found this path.  She racked up thousands of dollars on their credit card before they found out and canceled it.  She calls whenever she has a Migraine and needs medicine, or can't pay for things.  She told them she needed help recently and then while they were out of the house she came by with a letter she had written saying all kinds of cruel things and that they were no longer parents to her. She demanded money and threatened to sue them if they didn't give it to her.  She owes them almost 15, 000 dollars on items she has charged with access to their credit and through identity theft.  They are blindsided and hurt.  Every time they try to confront her she rages and leaves or hangs up on them.  She hangs up on me every time we speak and tonight told me she "had nothing to say to me" before hanging up.  If you keep giveing him money he is going to use it for drugs just like my sister would.  I know it hurts and I feel like I am helpless to get my sister through this because I believe the substance abuse is to drown out psychological damage from extreme abuse she suffered in a violent relationship.  All I can tell you is I think my family is at the foot of a very high mountain we'll have to climb before she gets "better".  If we keep staying involved in her life she is going to hurt us every step of the way.  At what point do you let go?  she live out of the house with a scab of a human being roomate who I know has helped her access drugs.  I hate this is happening to my family, it is surreal.  Hang in there and protect yourself.  He needs an ultimatum to seek treatment or to be arrested if you can prove he uses drugs and if he turns down help you have to be able to let him go. 

For the mom, go to this website and just take a look at the e-mails from us mom's who have lost our kids to addiction. I hope you never have to join us.

And to the sister, be there for her no matter what. My Matthew lost his only sibling Jimmy they were 2-yrs apart and Matthew will never be the same. He is only 25 and he has the eyes of a 40 yr old with so much greif.

No matter what, be there for them because this is a desease and the only cure is help and lots of love.

M

 

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