Messages By: janejr

My husband is the king of hair splitting, lies by omission, etc.  He claims he does it to save a hassle and to avoid hurting my feelings.  I have told him more times than I can count that I would rather hear the truth.  He has lied about things that he KNOWS I would not be upset about.  He claims to take responsiblity for it but ultimately he blames me in the end.  He is an excellent father, great provider, and in many, many other ways, a good husband.  He is faithful, takes good care of us.  But the lying just won't stop.  He also has this "poor me" attitude.  Nothing is ever his fault.  If he yells at me or is mean to me, it it somehow my fault.  I know better, of course.  He does not seem to "get it" that this behavior shows a complete lack of respect and hurts me deeply.  He doesn't seem to understand why I am competely physically turned off to him as a result.  He expects to get "credit" for all the good things he does for my and our kids and home, but all the things I do seem to get ignored.  It saddens me deeply.  When we got together about 2.5 years ago, I literally felt he was the best man I knew.  Now I know better and also realize that my expectations for him were much too high.  I don't want to end the marriage.  I also don't believe marriage counseling would work at this point because he sincerely deep down doesn't think he has serious problems.  Yet his grown kids and some long time friends have complained of the same things.  His lack of honesty, his failure to stand up for us (he would rather defend anyone but me), his critical nature - he knows everything and knows the best way to do everything - his overreaction to things, etc.  I told him that maybe he should be the "hero" as Dr. Phil says - that he should worry about himself if he really believes he has some issues that he needn't worry about what I'm doing.  I suffer from chronic depression and anxiety and don't think he hasn't blamed some of my sadness , hurt and anger on my this... :) 

Yes, I absolutely know I have my own issues and have said so and even listed them.  But the key difference is that I have done nothing to rock the very foundation of a marriage - TRUST.  He says, yeah, but I don't like very often.  He doesn't seem to get it that even if it's only 1 out of 50 times, I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONES THOSE ARE!  I want to be able to trust that if he says today is Tuesday, it really is!   

Anyway, if you got this far, thank you!  I guess I needed to get this off my chest.   

I did note that this show was less about liars and more about more serious issues.  Apparently there was a show in 2004 and a good message board, too, about liars like my husband. 

Thanks for listening and Dr. Phil, if you could do more shows on problems like this - when one spouse doesn't seem to believe they have a real part in problems or just about each party working on themselves, that would be great.  I just feel that counseling together is more helpful if both parties enter into it believing they are there to fix themselves and not to blame the other spouse. 

"If he really loved you he would do all he could to make it better." 

The biggest problem is he doesn't really seem to understand or care the impact.  He thinks marriage counseling will somehow give him empathy and teach him the "right thing" - but what I really think is that he believes I am completely overreacting and as he is so fond of doing, provng that I am wrong to care that I am being lied to. 

Well said......"The half truths and lies have broken me down. ....People who lie are chicken sh*ts.  They just don't want to be accountable for their bad behavior.  Period."  I couldn't have said it better myself. 

And I, like you, am NOT a b*tch when told the truth - but when someone lies to me, they have to deal with my wrath, too.   

I feel your pain. 

I was diagnosed bipolar II last year.  After several medication trials, we finally hit on the right combo. of Trileptal, Wellbutrin, Topamax, and Lexapro.  My doctors made clear that the "type" I have does not require hospitalization, does not cause hallucinations, etc.  At my worst (undiagnosed), I was having rages - but these were ONLY directed at my husband (poor guy), and only escalated to physicality once and at that, it was unintentional.  Yes, I threw things when I really got angry, yelled a lot (I am normally not a yeller), etc.  I knew something wasn't right and immediately sought help.  I had been diagnosed with anxiety and depression before but the bipolar II diagnosis threw me for a loop.  Again, the doctor was very clear that bipolar II was very mild compared to bipolar I (manic-depression).  And that has been the case.  I have required no hospitalization, have NEVER been abusive in ANY way to my young child, have no trouble keeping jobs, have no manic episodes, deep depressions - though I have had a few deeper depressive episodes, triggered by changes in meds. and/or marital problems.  But never suicidal ideation, inability to get out bed, etc. 

I am sure hoping that Dr. Phil presents accurate information tomorrow, as he always seems to.  I am surprised by the postings so far, though.  It seems that the people who are posting with bipolar II are more severe.  So does the woman who will be highlighted tomorrow, although the commercial did say she was off meds.  But again, even off meds., I was never like her.  Makes me doubt my diagnosis - her diagnosis - some of the other posters here....?  I will be very interested to watch tomorrow's show.... 

I think it warrants clarification that the Types you are describing are subcategories within Type I - manic-depression.  Within Type I, there are subcategories that include psychosis, scizophrenia, etc. 

Type II is actually a milder form of Type I and does not include psychosis or scizophrenia, etc. 

Type III is a mixed state and I believe there is a Type IV..... 

I RARELY have blamed my bipolar II for ANYTHING.  I have actually told my husband, hey sometimes I'm just a bitch... lol 

He, on the other hand, has been known to blame my "illness", though completely under control with meds, and never severe, for HIS shortcomings - as in, I wouldn't be so upset that he lies to me or is mean to me if it weren't for my "fragile" state.... argh!  But that is another show...... :) 

I agree.  I have bipolar II.  I have never been hospitalized.  I am extremely compliant with meds.  Have never been suicidal.  Have never abused my children in ANY way.  Have never lost jobs, gotten into debt.  Have never heard voices, been paranoid, stayed up for days or been delusional.  Everything I have read and my doctor explained that bipolar II does NOT have those features yet the people you highlighted all allegedly had bipolar II.  That makes no sense!  I was chronocially, mildly depressed and had GAD for years and was diagnosed bipolar about a year ago - bipolar II.   

Yes, I still have ups and downs and it took a while to get the meds. right.  I did have rages before diagnosis - apparently getting on Prozac is what made this come to light - my doctor said it was like putting oil on a fire - but these were ONLY with my husband and ONLY in response to a REAL argument or being upset.  Again, never at my children and obviously I KNEW it wasn't right to throw things, yell, be mean to him, etc  That's why I sought help.   

My doctor went to great pains to assure me that bipolar II was not as serious as bipolar I; that I would not be hospitalized or delusional, etc.  When I told her how good I was about taking my meds., she said most bipolar IIs are.  

There is already such a stigma attached to mental illness, I wish you had presented more accurate information about bipolar I and II - I believe that even most bipolar I sufferers are not violent, paranoid people. 

Just my two cents.  But I thank you for bringing these subjects to light.   

On another note, do you plan another Relationship Rescue Retreat.  Praying my husband "gets it" one of these days.... I could write a book.... :)