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Messages By: kimikomine

kimikomine
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July 23, 2005, 6:53 am PDT

Fancy!

Hello everyone. It's good to be back in touch.
 
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kimikomine
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July 26, 2005, 3:35 am PDT

Trust your instincts

Quote From: gagardener

I will try to make this brief, this seemed a safe place to post - I love Dr. Phil's show and I mostly just want a sounding board to see if I am over-reacting, which is what my spouse usually thinks I'm doing. I am in my mid-forties, two teenage children, a boy and a girl, and have just married a man I dated for three years, after being divorced for four years. I knew he looked at porn but not to the extent he has since we've been married. I guess you truly never know someone until you live with them. I am a very liberal person and have nothing against sexual "enhancements" but I believe it's something that should be explored as a couple, together, and not like most men do it. We have already had discussions about it. But here's my new dilemma: the other night he was on the internet andhe asked for my help with something -and accidentally clicked on the websites he's visited. One of them was a "teen" porn one. I didn't blow up about it, just quietly asked him was he really looking at that. He tried to explain it away by saying he didn't really go on it, he was "re-directed". But he's made joking comments in the past about teenagers in school uniforms, etc., and also he seems unusually pre-occupied recently with child abductions, sexual assaults and murders on the news. Not that I don't think they aren't tragic, because they are, it's a horrible thing, but I don't bring it up while we're out to dinner somewhere, or driving down the road. He'll all of a sudden change the subject from whatever we're talking about and mention a case on the news, and say maybe "I wonder what all that guy did to that little girl", etc. - making it sound like he's disgusted but showing a morbid fascination with it, at the same time.It doesn't give me a good feeling and I know it's not part ofmost "normal" conversation discussing the news. I'm sorry this is so long for a post, I'm just wondering if I'm paranoid or if I have a legitimate concern,maybe should try going to counseling with him?? Please, any comments and input will be appreciated.
The thing we tend to do is distrust that what we are thinking or feeling is inaccurate or wrong. It is true that at times our minds go in directions that are out of the normal way of thinking and your spouses reactions to the news might just be that. But the one thing I have found out is when our guts are twisting and our thoughts are working overtime, I beleive this is a natural tendancy to preserve and protect ourselves and maybe even others.His visiting teen porn web sites might just be a curiousity. After all, porn gets pretty ridiculous and repetitious after a while. Maybe he was just innocently exploring. Sex and fantasy are personal and individual and if we feel we have to try to understand everyone's fetishes we will drive ourselves insane. As a mother of two young men, you are sensitive to this even more, and rightly so. In closing my post to you, I would just like to tell you if something is bothering you, you need to address it and don't let it slip through the cracks. Keep your eyes and ears wide open because you just may be dealing with a guy that has sexual problems. It seems men have more sexual deviations whereas women are always trying to justify their emotions regarding behavior that is odd or wierd or different, at best. Good luck and remember you are a mother with two children and I am sure you are level headed. Don't let someone try to manipulate you think you don't know what you are talking about. Kimi
 
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kimikomine
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July 26, 2005, 12:30 pm PDT

Hi Darcy

Quote From: darcylove

hey....i was just talking to the hubby last night about the regulars not being around so much.......I am so glad you found your way back.....How have you been? How are things with the hubby? Have you made any new decisions about your relationship? I was just thinking that last summer you had set a time line that you wanted things to be different by the end of the summer......are things different than they were last summer? I hope you have found some discoveries about things in the last few weeks.

Things here are pretty good.....damn too hot!!!! but tomorrow the temperatures are suppose to break and only be 75 degrees. I can't wait!!! It has been 90 + for like forever now!

 I am not sure if I like the format in the new board. It seems like a lot of wasted memory repeating the message. Anyway, tis not important. The time away from the board, albeit at first, was a little unsettling :) but we survived, right? I have actually used the time away to delve into my prep work for the board exam in 5 weeks. I have been working the spa and at the university and basically trying to get my head on straight.  I feel better these days and as you mentioned the time span????? Things have been getting a little better ( I am still struggling with being intimate with him) It's very hard to explain but I am really having a hard time warming up to him sexually. I don't miss having sex with him. We had sex once on the vacation (which is pretty amazing really) so this is why I say it is seemingly getting better although I am not so sure if we are both settling.  I have to realize that sex to him is basically sex. He likes his fantasy world better and seems ok with having me once in a while. I figure if he really wanted it bad enough he would make overtures towards doing things to make it happen. Most men will woo a woman (as long as he believes she is a willing participant) if a guy thinks he might not get anything, then he doesn't do much to even try. So, the woman is left wondering what's up and the man is left feeling rejected. No one wins.

The time limit was if things don't change by the summer I would leave. Things have changed, even if it only within myself, so I remain. I don't see myself leaving him right now because there really is no reason other then we are not sexual. Maybe this is how it's going to be.

So, you got to tell me.....how is your son doing now that his success in PR went so well? I think that is so awsome that you support him like you do. He is one lucky litttle boy :) TAke care. Kimi

I am starting to understand him a little better and not judge him too harshly. The one thing I have had to really learn is that when it comes to male/female roles in relationships we are on very different pages. He is a country boy and I am city chic. These things we can't change and in order for us to be able to really love one another, we have to learn how to respect the differences and I am trying. I think he is too. We went on vacation with his daughter last week for a week, and things were smoother. We still did not spend too much time together but it has increased from the zero time we spent together in the past. Now that I am working and making better money, he seems to be nicer to me and I know this is because now he is happy that I am showing signs of financial security for him.
 
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kimikomine
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July 26, 2005, 1:25 pm PDT

Hi SAndman

Quote From: sandman4u

I think Kimikomine hit the nail on the head with her post. After watching porn stars do their thing, it gets same old same old after awhile. Men often go to teen sites because it's here that the young women are beautiful and natural, not made up or have implants. Often times there are also amateur video clips in these sites as well, which is different and more titillating than the obviously staged porn movies. It's natural for men to be curious about what women/teens look like underneath their clothes. It's been this way since the beginning of time! Even if they have a gorgeous wife, they will always wonder what other women look like naked. Porn viewing is an enjoyable activity thatdoes not reflect on how menfeel about their wives; rather it reflects on how they feel about sexuality and their sexual fantasies. If only women couldunderstand this! They think it's all aboutTHEM - and it isn't!
 HOw are you? Time away gave us all a chance to go on with our lives, huh? How is your summer? In reference to what you said about my porn becomming blaise after a while, different stimulation is usually preferred because even porn can become ho-hum. Just like when you are with the same person day in and day out.....even the best looking ones look average after a while. It's the nature of the beast and even though we can still love one another, the excitement wanes. From what I have seen in my long life of 44 years, is on any given day, our needs can go from one extreme to the next.....emotionally/physically. It is unrealistic to believe a "one" individual will be able to be what we want, when we want, them to be. I wish people could really be 100% honest with one another about what we need on any given day so that at least we know what the other person is really feeling. We are so afraid of the truth sometimes that we would rather live in denial and believe what we want. It's the only assurance we have of keeping things the way they are.....even if they are not really good for us or others. Not to get too philosophical....:)   Back to sex.

I just want to say that I would assume most women do know their spouses' porn use has nothing to do with them and everything to do with the guy. I do believe most women get so pissy about it is because the guys that we are with, that look at porn, have phone sex, maybe even go to strip clubs once in a while, are anything but good lovers. The price of these guys getting their needs met outside of the relationship is creating a lack of lust in the relationships that we are in. Women, or at least in my case, would never be satisfied with just looking at porn in place of sex.  When I look (ed) at porn, it might have given me the 20 -10 second orgasms, guaranteed, but what it eventually did do was make me want real sex even more. ie....I don't understand the mindset where a guy says "he does it to keep from having an affair" when in actuality, it drives me ( woman to seek it). Just my side. Take care.
 
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kimikomine
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July 27, 2005, 4:05 am PDT

Hey Ho Luvi!

Quote From: luvmiman1

I am really shocked!!! I've tried relentlessly to get to the last post here....and it keeps on taking me to some date of July 23rd.

This format is like something out of the stone ages. What a waste of good space...ooops sorry, here I am complaining already.

So how is everyone. I thought I saw Allinall. Great to see you. And so hows ole' Kimmi poo?

When I find more time, or at least figure this mess out, maybe we can all post again. Blesses everyone! Luvmiman

How are you? This morning I noticed that the post you are responding to is now above your own script. It is kind of wierd. Who is the one creating this new web page? I am sure they are wondering how it is doing. But then again, it's what we get used to and when something changes or is unfamiliar we get sidetracked. But I think it is a good thing because it causes you think differently, if you think about it!!! I really liked that you called me "kimmy poo". My dad used to call me "kimmy boo" and it always sounded like it was kimmy poo. How cute is that? I am glad that we are back and let's hope to help some people, ok? So, how are things with ya? You are sounding as spunky as ever! Take care. Kimmy poo/boo.
 
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kimikomine
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July 27, 2005, 1:38 pm PDT

i hate this new board! help!!!!!

Quote From: sandman4u

Have you noticed that the Backspace key does NOT work on the above Message Title bar? Damn, my irish, scottish temper is beginning to flare lol..... in any case...

You say that most of the men who look at porn are less than good lovers....tell me this: what if there were some men that were very good lovers who also used porn?  And what does that have to do with anything?  I'll put it this way:  When we watch porn and get aroused, we're watching the beautiful women in the porn vid doing things either with a man (or with a woman woohoo) that WE want to do WITH OUR WIVES the next time they seem willing to have such an encounter!  I fiind what I'm getting aroused by is not only because the women are beautiful, but also because I anticipate being with my wife in this way!  And wondering how she'll look on top of me, with her leg on my shoulder, etc and all the awesome things that go along with that.  I wish women would understand this!!!  Is there a star somewhere for me to wish upon lol???   

 Hi. It took me 20 min. just to figure out how to read your post and then to reply was another hassle. Anyway......I guess if when you look at porn you truly are thinking about how great your sex life with you wife will be due to the new moves, or whatever, then you obviously don't have a problem the way I belileve my husband does. All those moves that he seemingly gets all hot over are anything but incorporated into our love making. I honestly believe his porn use fulfills his needs in the sense that if he looks at it, gets off on it, then he is satisfied. He would never do 1/3 of what those porn people do. This is the part that confuses me. He likes to watch the stuff but in real life, is nothing near it...at least not with me. The strange thing is sometimes when we are doing it, he is looking at my breasts like he is  watching a video. It is so hard to explain. He just kind of looks, doesn't touch so much. I truly feel that in his mind I am a porn video that he has seen one time, only this time, he actually has flesh behind the fantasy. I think porn use tricks the mind into believing sex is a one sided, orgasm only, activity. Once the sex part is over, I am replaced by another video, another form of sexual release, until I am prepared to give my body to him again. It's not very satisfying and since I am a women, I NEED TO FEEL THAT THE MAN (OR WOMAN) I WOULD EVER CHOOSE TO BE WITH ACTUALLY LIKES ME AND WANTS TO EXPERIENCE SEX in a more meaningful way then some porn star making big bucks. I don't get any money to give myself to my husband. What am I getting? Big deal. An orgasm. I can get that anywhere, anytime, with anyone.

I know of guys that look at porn and they love sex too. I know of guys that look at porn and have a real hard time finding someone that comes close to their expectations because of the perfection and beauty displayed in movies. If in my mind I get off on a guy that is 6'5", long blonde hair and fingers the size of kielbasa (heh heh) if I look at my husband with all his imperfections, it is going to be real hard to be satisfied with him. I think porn distorts a persons mind and too much fantasy is not a good thing.
 
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kimikomine
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July 29, 2005, 4:20 am PDT

What are you going to do with what you find?

Quote From: hopeful95

I have written off and on for the past 2 years about my husbands porn addiction.  I know he is doing it again.  What I would love is if anyone is good at snooping on computer systems-type me some steps on how to view what he looks at.  Someone please post a little lesson on computer trails that the lay person could do.

Thanks

Hello. I hear your reasonings for wanting to "snag" him. But what will you do when/if you find out he has been looking at porn again? Are you going to throw it in his face and remind him how miserable you feel, how degrading it is, how humiliating, how disrespectful it is to you? The first line of defense is a good offense. He will justify it and he might even blame you for making him look at it because you are such a nag, closed minded, and even possibly jealous!  I speak from experience this is why I present it this way. When I first got married my husband did not hide his desires for porn use.He flipped it on almost immediately from the beginning. I gave it a few shots and realized that at that time, I was not into porn watching with him during lovemaking. It took away the intimacy and excitement of being with one another. I told him how I preferred we not watch it during lovemaking. Maybe women are more geared to protect and preserve and our irritation with their needs of it are not in our mindset. Either way, I told him nicely that I don't want porn during lovemaking. Suddenly lovemaking was minimized and his porn use seemed to go out of control. Every nite I lie in bed while he looked at porn. At first, I thought, "eh....he's just flipping through, but then he would not come to bed and turned down the sound. My disinterest in porn gave him reason to punish me. Why? Because he wasn't getting his way. Be careful how you approach this very delicate issue because how you go about it will determine how much damage will occur in the near future with him. He will turn you into this monster that will make you feel guilty for not giving him his way....kind of like a child when you deny them access to the car or something! Approach it as maturly as possible because you are going to be the one hurt by all of this and he will just look at you like you are a lunatic by asking him to stop doing this. Good luck. Kimi
 
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July 29, 2005, 1:32 pm PDT

Life happens

Quote From: emmdavis

In the beginning sex with my husband was great. Then the Porn Monster reared its ugly head.  I've been dealing with this for a while now.

Recently my husband has told me to 'just go to bed'

He flips through the porn(with the remote) and also turns the sound down.

I get up in the morning, and the remote is nasty from all the oils and such... makes me sick.... now, he's trying to deny any use of porn materials....

Yes.. be very careful how you deal with this...

I feel like I'm living someone else's nightmare...stuff like this always happens to someone else, ya knnow ?  But funny thing... it's happening to me, and I don't know what to do about it.

<Emm>

It is really unfortunate that we are in the throes of this and it is even more difficult because it's such a schetchy topic. If it were drugs, alcohol, food, at least it's something tangible, but sex is blurry and what is there to know the extent of the problem? Now that I have lived with this for over 4 years even though it has calmed down (he is probably hiding it better now) I am at the point where as long as I don't have to see it or know about it, what he chooses to do in his free time is completely up to him. I think you have to let him have a chance to prove to you what he made out of. It's not up to you to set him up to fail. YOu will drive yourself insane with that one.......believe me :).  I think you need to really go within and see how this is affecting and why it is affecting you the way it is and even more importantly, what are you going to do with what you already know? I haven't slept in the same bed with my husband for now 3 months...oh, we fool around here and there, but we don't make love. It's sex. This might be what it means to him and this is what I have to learn to understand and if I stay with him, learn to live with.

 

The funny thing is, if you really look at it, what is it about all of this that you are able to find out about yourself and how you deal with rejection and disrespect? Think about it. ARe you going to beat yourself up because he can't give you what you need or are you going to take the bull by the horns and take charge of your own life and live the way you feel is right and good? Keep in touch. Kim
 
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kimikomine
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July 29, 2005, 4:17 pm PDT

May I interrupt?

Quote From: sandman4u

But, it IS always up to the woman!  This is what you're not getting.  And why does HE have to approach YOU and whisper things in YOUR ear or touch YOU in a certain way to turn you on????  Men ALSO like being approached sexually and if we aren't approached enough then we think, "What's the point?  I know when I touch HER that I can get things going...but, doesn't she want ME too?  Since she obviously DOESN'T want me or doesn't want to make an effort on seducing me as much as I seduce HER, then I guess I'll just sit at the computer and PRETEND that all these hot women are trying to seduce me - that's probably the best sex or seduction I'll ever get..."  You may have just said what you said in your post as an example and aren't this way; but ALOT of women ARE this way.  They lay there and expect to be romanced and 'taken'....yet their men also sit there and wait to be romanced and seduced - which hardly EVER happens, especially after many years of marriage have passed.  When did we EVER have the power sexually?  WHEN did MEN EVER have the say or the decision as to how much sex is had in the marriage?  Besides Lilacmess's husband, MOST men DO NOT EVER have ANY say or POWER as to how often they actually GET sex from their wives.  Women KNOW that they have this power; and to me, it is sheer manipulation (almost akin to witchcraft) on their part that they take advantage of this and wield it like a child with his dad's gun. 
Hi. Sandman....you ask why is it that it is the man has to be the one to ask? I think that is totally dependant on the two people involved. All the right man has to do is touch me the right way...gentle..you can feel his honesty in his touch. I think it is totally sad that you feel it is up to the man to make the moves and all a woman has to do is sit back and receive. Good sex is when all those involved are really into it. So so sex is when it is done because it feels good but it's not necessarily the way, or with whom you really want it to be with. IE.....fantasy. I had a half bottle of homemade red wine and I am feeling a little armorous. I apologize for putting this out there. But my toughts are that of being with someone that I feel really hot with, and lusting. Anything less then that is not good enough. Flipping on a porn, using toys right now, will not satisfy the hunger. It takes real flesh and blood to  do that for me. I guess it's really a matter of being on the same page. Porn. No porn. When the chemistry is there , it's there. A few glasses of wine, some good food, and candles.......yet, I will fall asleep and tomorrow will be another day. Why is there no romance?Why is it that after working our asses off all week, all we are good for is a peck on the lips and a subtle goodnite? I am sorry. But the passion, lust, desire, dissapates when you know the man you long for is lusting after strangers. Many strangers. Why is it wrong for the woman of the man that uses porn to get her needs met? It's not wrong. But it's not right for a marriage. Then is porn?
 
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kimikomine
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July 30, 2005, 6:09 am PDT

Shout out to Darcy, lilac,luvi,bobbimatt,all, sand

I just want to give a shout out to all those that keep this board rockin' and rollin'. On a lite note, I am wishing you all, and everyone, a wonderful saturday and my wish for all of you is that you are safe, happy and 'not sexually frustrated'>>>>>>joke. Laughing yet????? Be good. Kimi
 
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