Messages By: kimikomine

I am sorry to hear you are going through such distress. My mom had to have her left valve replaced a few months ago. She also has adult onset diabetes. So anything that can complicate the matter has to be looked at very closely. Last summer when we went on vacation she was having a difficult time being around people. We thought it was her typical anti social behaviours! But when I took her to the store I saw she was having a hard time getting her breath. As soon as we got back to NY we went for tests. The day they set her up for the scope to see what was going on, they came to us and said she has to go into surgery today. To our surprise, she was on the operating table getting open heart surgery. It all happend so fast. When the valve is clogged, very typical for people in their 70's is due to having rheumatic fever at some point in their youth. This scars the valve and causes problems in 90% of all people that had RF and did not know. They also said she would only get worse and it would eventually cause other problems, heart attack, possibly stroke. What choice did she have? Thank the almighty father, she is doing good. She now suffers from gout (also common side affect of having heart surgery like that for valves). I don't know if I gave you the information you are seeking, but from my standpoint, she is doing good. Lets pray the same happens in your case. My prayers are with you.

Good morning guys! Can you please tell me what it is about a woman (besides the sex part) that you enjoy? What is your idea of a good nite out with someone? What are your feelings when you are around women? Do you feel superior? Inferior? Middle ground? And All - in your last post you indicate it is control that happens. Is that how it feels? Because that is not what we, or at least I want. It may seem like we are trying to control you by taking away something you find enjoyable, and by right, I am sure it is. What I tried to do when I told my husband how his porn use was making me feel and think, I was taking control over my world, not his! I needed to know that I am going to be allowed to voice my opinion on something and it wouldn't be discounted as not important. It was the first sign for me that we were not going to be able to work things though or come to a compromise. I must admit, it is a biggie and when you mention porn,a guys ears perk up. When you mention porn, from what I feel, women, they get all quirky. I don't understand how some girls are so confident and others are not. We all have that capability to be explosive and desireable, whether we are the ideal look or not. Women give their "so called opinions" because we are natural caregivers and want to make things work out. Maybe all the people in the sex business are not able to feel deep with someone and this makes them able to be so free with many. Its easier to haver 15 superficial relationships, then it is to have 2 intimate ones where you are vulnerable and yet know you are loved and cared about.

I also don't feel comfortable with Hooters! Surprised? Women don't expect you to know what it is like to be one, same with women and men. But can you sincerely tell me it wouldn't bother you to know that your wife's are looking at naked, sexual men when you are not around? Maybe everyday? Would it not make you feel one ounce of doubt about yourselves? Thank you for your time. Have a good day. Kimi

That was very well put, Darcy. Very touching and clear. Man, I could remember my grandparents and the way they treated one another with such love and committment to each other. I also believe we all want/need that in our lives because it lets us know we are alive and needed here. If I think back to the guys I dated, it was always a double edged sword. At one point we are high on each other and then suddenly, it is over. Sometimes I was glad about it, sometimes I wasn't. My experience in relationship to men has been from awsome to horrendous. But somewhere in between I learned out to avoid as much as possible those guys that are no good, vs. those that might be nice to know. So my opinion on men is pretty good and really no bad feelings. Yet, I am sure there is a reason why some men like porn and some don't, and the same with women.

If you go to porn shops, you will find a lot of movies with women on the covers. Hardly ever do you see a guys anatomy. Unless it's in the gay section. Porn is shoved and geared towards pleasing a man. If men have been as exposed and vulnerable in this area, women would probably have the same opinions about porn that men have now.  I also can't help but feel a little guilty for feeling uncomfortable with porn but it's not the porn that I am uncomfortable with, it is the idea that there is now another element into the equasion. I sometimes wish men were sold as prostitutes and sexually abused as much as girls, but I know of a lot of guys that have been sexually abused too!! And from what I can tell, it has a major impact on them too. Guys battle with homosexuality, like women battle with lesbianism. I don't know if the more comfortable you are in your own skin you are free to be open to things, but when you are not free in your mind you remain prisoner to fears. OK. Went off on a tangent......sorry.

Good evening. First, it doesn't matter why or how a person stops doing something that is harmful, either to themselves or others, what does matter is that it has stopped and you are in control of yourself and your future happiness.Although some won't call it an addiction, I believe reading a newspaper every day can be labeled an addiction. The one thing I learned through having an addiction to drugs many moons ago, is the reason I stopped was because I wanted to live more then I wanted to be high. I wanted to be a part of life and family and friends, not a part of something that was destructive to me and others. I also understand the battle with remaining sober/committed and steady on your own two feet. I commend you greatly for your willingness to see how your actions were possibly hurting you and your wife. I can't say it any better. You decided to allow love and compassion to override lust and desires of the flesh and instant gratification. Isn't it that much better now that in waiting for your time together, when you do have it, it is so much better? I am sure it is. Unfortunately, I am stuck. I am at a point where I can't see my husband sexually right now. Haven't for months. I am starting to feel really bad and don't want to hurt him anymore. I am starting to see his innocence and vulnerabilities in life and I don't want to be the one to beat him up any more then life sometimes can do to a person. My dilema now is finding that place in my heart where I can soften and open up to him again as a man and woman. First, I have to give up my stronghold on my ego. Next I have to give up my narcissistic ways into believing things should go my way and then I need to pray, and pray and pray, that the spirit will move me in such a way that I can learn how to love him again. I love him now, but I see wounds and injury in him. I see him as the victim in all of this and I don't want to feel sorry for him, but maybe this is the beginning of the end and end of the beginning. Take care and good luck to you on your journey. 

Hi Lilac. I am sorry to hear you had to struggle with your brothers addiction to heroine. I remember knowing that what I was doing was wrong, but I wanted control over something in my life. I mean, I think most addicts will agree that they feel out of control most of times in general, and doing something different, rebellious, exciting, seems at first, ok. But as with all addicts they will tell you the first thing they think about, and probably one of the last, will be their addiction of choice. Its that simple. Its that obvious. We can be addicted to people the way some people make us feel. I made a statement and "cansee" mentioned why do I consider my husband a "victim"?. I see him as a victim because I cannot imagine anyone in their right head deciding to do something as ridiculous as look at porn at the risk of ruining a lifetime of love and affection. This is a victim to me. I made myself the victim because I felt I wasn't getting what I thought I needed and deserved. You see, I took him out of the equation and made it about me. If I was able to see that I don't need to depend on him for love and affection but I also wouldn't believe we should have remained married based on this finding either. If guys can say it's not about how they feel about us, per say, and we say but it sure as heck feels that way to us, per say, where is the middle ground? Do we dump every guy that likes porn? Do they ruin every chance at true intimacy? No one wins here. Except the people making all the money making these porn videos and such. The men looking at the stuff are no where near benefitting from the cheap source of entertainment. At what price will they pay and possibly give up on something as awsome as a great love affair with someone you care about? I don't know. The price is steep. But some, like the addict, will stay stuck in feeling out of control over their own happiness and hope to find it outside of themselves. How are you, by the way.....?????