Messages By: kimikomine

How are you today? I often wonder myself why when in the throes of life, we question when we are not happy, and take it almost for granted when we are are! Its almost as if we are a priviledged bunch that deserve to be happy all the time. And when we aren't when we do't get what we want, who we want, we automatically we begin to take it upon ourselves to punish ourselves for being in such a mess.  Somehow this pain is self deserving and happiness is something that just isn't ours to have. Thinking too much in either direction will surly always bring us to our knees. Kind of where you are now.

I also believe it is very important to have an outlet for our thoughts because some of us don't have the availability to throwing things off others to get a reaction, an opinion. A confidant of sorts. But even if we did, wouldn't it make more sense to be able to come to a conclusion on our own, our own ideas, thoughts, dreams, opinions? instead of someone else that has absolutely nothing to gain from our experiences?

I am experiencing this now myself. My mom died 2 years ago. She was my confidant. I began to feel the pangs of voidedness after a few months when I felt I really needed someone to talk to . She was always there if I wanted or needed her. Now, I am faced alone with my problems. Holy cow. YOu mean I have to figure this out all by myself??????!!!! lol. So I sought a therapist. I still can't make my own decisions without bouncing it off of someone. As much as I try, I need to hear myself, see a reaction, and get a nod of approval or disapproval, in order to trust my own thoughts. This is a smart thing in my case because I keep choosing to go down paths of destruction when it comes to relationships. I set them up to fail by who I choose to be with. I know I do this I continue to do this. I am working on changing it. But it is a slow process.

Now, back to you.......Your son is 5. I am happy that you can experience parenthood. Lots of people are not so fortunate. I am happy that you see him as the jewel in  your life. He is! He is a gift to you and you to him. !   Yet, we know one jewel, one gift, will never satisfy all of our needs. So what are your other needs? Why did your relationship falter? When did the communication stop? You do know, its never too late to undo something, right? Forgiveness and compassion is something we all need to learn to give to ourselves and others. But it starts with you. You are somehow managing to beat yourself up for something. Are you afraid? Are you experiencing dysfunction? Do you feel inadequate? Where are your doubts? Instead of feeling bad because you and your wife do not have a good relationship, look for someone that you can have a good relationship with! There will always be someone, something out there for you if you want it. You need to stop blaming her for your unhappiness.  I kind of did the same thing. I got married, then 7 years later, divorced. Why? Because I thought I was happy when I met him, and then got pissy when the marriage proved to me how much more work I needed to do....how NOT happy I really was. How it was all a front. But it was easier to blame him because of what he did, did not do, etc.

Stop looking outside of yourself as the cause of your unhappiness. YOu carry it around with you everywhere you go. You can go from new york to china and never find happiness because you carry you wherever you go. It is difficult to do, but in order to truly be able to be happy, you have to truly be able to be unhappy, and be ok with that. Then you also need to see that while you are suffering, someone is suffering too in exactly the same way. You are not alone. Right now someone feels exactly the same. Its the universal flow; we cannot hide from it.

My suggestion? Starting today, DO something that is going to be a challenge, something small is perfect. Like go to a church and smile at the person in the pew. Or go to the supermarket and tip the cashier! Or the next time you see a child look them in the eye and wink or smile. Little things. Then work your way up to bold things like reaching out to someone in need. Feel their pain. Share their fear. Hug. Little by little, you will feel your depression lifting. I know. We have to get out of heads just long enough so that we don't forget its not all about US.......this way, we will never be lonely.

I hope this makes sense to you. Oh. I read buddhism. If you like you might want to read a book called "When things fall apart" by Pema Chodron. Its a small book, fits right in your back pocket. Depending on the size of the jeans. ha ha.   

Kim

Emotionally he is turned on, by physically he may have a desensitization thing.  At 44 he may have more sex then a guy that is 90! He just might be played out. It doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive or not love you or desire someone else. Maybe sex to him has become kind of ho hum and its starting to show. Not that it is your fault. In life, there are going to be times when we are able to use our skills to please, but maybe this is going to be a good challenge for you to see why sex is so important to you that you feel his erectile dysfunction is a personal dig?   It is unfortunate, but sometimes we need to see that a cow is a cow and stop trying to turn it into a chicken.

You have to somehow learn to accept your boyfriends sexual dysfunction completely and honestly, or you will never be able to see him as the man that he is......a man with a low sexual drive. Good luck and remember, its not always about you and sometimes we just have to accept that other people don't follow our phisosophies. Kim

I tried the new board, don't like it. So when this one disappears, probably so will I .That will be my sign. :)

Its so hot. Is it hot by you? I love the summer though. Not one much for having to shovel and stuff. Well, take care. Nice to see you stop by. Enjoy ther rest of the summer and keep checking from time to time. I feel like I am a solo standstill here. Thanks. Kim

I have found that it is important to to be able to express oneself. In such as way that we can ask for what we want, reject what we don't, and say 'maybe' if we are not sure. It is also knowing that if something doesn't feel right, it most likely isn't! And if something feels good, its most likely good. Yet somehow we have a struggle with identifying the differences and acting in accordance with our logical mind. We know someting is bad for us, yet we continue. Why?

I also believe that being conscious of our own mortalities, brings us to a point of not thinking clearly. Our logical mind is taken over by fear, fear of our mortalities. It is more acycle of events, and not life and death. Part of the cycle. If the Bible is right, and I am not an avid reader of the bible, so I apologize if I offend anyone, but when adam and eve did not resist temptation, they became aware of their own mortalities and insecurities. Somehow, giving into craving has been a thing that brings disasterous results. Yet we do it. The knowledge of death weakens us.

My goal in life is to try to resist those things that bring satisfaction but also bring with it destruction. In buddism there is black for every white; good for bad; happy for sad...so maybe satisfaction and destruction are compatible in the flow of life..so does that mean we don't continue to give up the things that bring danger to our selves and others? Why is it easier to do the wrong things, and so difficult to do the right? Because right way takes thought, introspection, patience......initial discomfort ......great results!

The right way to help someone is coming from a place of love; never fear or anger. If we feel angry at someone, it is our job to figure out why. When we find out, we need to honor the lesson. If we get the lesson, the suffering eases. If we don't we remain in our suffering. To pull oneself out of suffering, one needs to learn compassion for those that are suffering, no room for anger or fear. Turn the enemy into our friends but know how to protect oneself in the process. :) Cheers!

In order for you to have stayed with him, there must be something that kept you from straying. You have been together for 15 years, thats definately long enough to get bored and want to look elsewhere. I give you credit for staying faitful for this long. I also give him credit too because men usually need attention. The fact that you don't even kiss ? But how do you make love and not kiss? That has to be wierd. Then its just an animal instinct and he may as well go to a hooker and you might as well have an affair. If there is no attraction, it could feel like abuse.  It is not healthy for either one.

But if you have kids, that is really the only reason to stay together. If you don't, then all the love in the world isn't going to bring a spark where there never was one. If you are parents than you need to honor that decision and stay together, for that reason. Lots of people have affairs and are happy in their marriages especially ones like yours. I am not suggesting an affair, but neither one is getting what they want, it probably is just a matter of time.

The fact that you find other men attractive is normal. I am sure your husband has a few ideas of his own with women he finds attractive too. Its normal to be sexually turned on to other people. Thats where committment and loyalty come in. I know a lot of women that cheat on their husbands, come home and the husband doesn't ask questions, as long as he gets his meals and sex he won't complain. The women get what they want, good loving and a secure home life. It can be done. If you want to stay with him, this may be your only option if you want to be happy sexually.

I wish you luck. Like I said, I am not an advocate for cheaters, but its going to happen eventually if it keeps going like this, I would stop fighting it, and start being honest with yourself. Good luck. Make sure you don't get pregnant or something dumb. :)

There is one sure way to blow a good thing, and that is to lie. She lied to you. She witheld information from you. She is not being honest with you. She is antisocial and controlling. Don't mistake shy with controlling. Many are shy "conveniently". it is an attention grabber. It attracts people who like to feel important, need to feel imporant (you) need to feel confident. You fell for someone that is needy because you need someone to need you.

A lot of guys fall for the shy girl because at first it seems like the best case scenerio. A shy girl won't stray, right? A shy girl won't flirt, right? A shy girl needs you , right? She is getting everything she wants, even a job that "her shyness" is making you feel she should just get the job. Why? Oh, yeah. Because she's shy and antisocial? I would take the job, despite the fact whether you break it off or not. She lied to you. She is the one that should be looking for another job.

I have worked very successfully with people that I dated. Its a little wierd, but with time, it becomes normal again. Tell your supervisor what is going on so that in the event something does happen, you went to them with the truth. I wonder if she would do the same thing? Probably not. Not an honest person.

The last time I didn't break off with someone because I was careful not to break their hearts?????? Well, a month later they found another girl to date and a year later got married. Sometimes letting someone go frees them to find what is meant to be. It is a very unselfish thing to do to b reak it off with someone. Think of all the time you are wasting  and time you are allowing her to waste, by staying. It not good you need to take a deep breath, deal with initial tears, then go and treat yourself to dinner and a movie, or sporting event :)))))) and call it a day.

Good luck.

I am sorry to hear that your mom's health has been declining. I know what it is like to watch someone you love with all your heart, fade away, leave us, and there is nothing we could do, humanly possible anyway, to help.  It is heartbreaking. That is the best word I could use. :(

My mom died two years ago. I know your frustration and saddness feeling so helpless and yet also needing to be independant and self sustained, leaves a very high mark. The expectations on one person is insurrmountable. Yet, there are those that will take on whatever life gives us.....we have to. That is our calling.

In time you will look back on this post. I guarantee. You will use this as a reference point to how low you actually were. You will look back and see, that even the worst possible situations, like the one you are in now, will be a part of the past. Right now you feel stressed, angry, scared. These are all normal reactions. I think depression comes after we become afraid, and angry and see that fear and anger do not work. Depression is the only way because it leaves us helpless and allows us to slow it down.

I have also isolated my friends and family. I am coming to realize that it was my choice to remain far from others. People that i loved have hurt me so often, that I just believe that all people will ultimately hurt me too. So I eitehr attract those that will, or stay away from people that won't. I just don't trust anyone anymore. I think this might be a better approach though then trusting everyone and getting screwed all the time.

But despite my choice to isolate, like you are making the choice, our choice to isolate is to protect ourselves. Relationships take work. You don't sound like you have much room in your life, in your heart, to give to anyone either. You need the nurturance. You give it all the time. You are empty. You are dried up. Emotionally.

I have learned just recently, that my depression was stemmed from long long feelings of anger and disappointment. I am sure you can claim those feelings as well????? Depression is the bottom. Its up from there. You won't get out of your depression until your situation changes. You need a new deck. I know you know this. But you don't feel worthy of it. When we are sad and stressed, we are not in reality. This constant detachment from reality will bring us to our knees. Then we can, and only then, open our eyes, and our hearts again to us. You are depressed because you have a reason to be. I don't know if you  pray, meditate, excercise, etc. but for now, try to stay focused and balanced. Do not add anything to your plate...o matter who asks! Don't worry about what other people think or want or do. They don't care about you as much as you should care about you. Another great lesson learned lately. And thats ok. Its ok to be selfish.

I hope this helps and does't confuse you more. lol

If you want, indicate you want my email and we can write. I think I know what you are feeling and I think if you know that you are not alone in these times of your life, alone in your thinking, you will one day look back on this post, and cry ..............because you will see how far you have come and the growth you have experienced.

Take care.

Kim

Here's a big ol' friendly hug from New York ! Hugggssss.