Messages By: peepinbud

Good for you, but without knowing more about the daughter I don't see how anyone can judge whether or not she should have been able to stay in school, is employable, etc.  While I agree that she doesn't seem to be pulling her own weight and that her dad doesn't sound like he's holding her accountable for anything, nobody here tell from that post how functional or not the girl is at the bottom of it all.  "Mental issues" is a very vague description, and I'm sure you know yourself that psychological problems come in a full range of types and severities. 

I'm learning disabled (and what I guess could be called "socially disabled"--I have problems interacting with people, which can make if extremely difficult to deal with professors, school counselors, etc.).  I went to a good four-year college and graduated, which was something my parents feared I would never be able to do.  I would not have been able to do it without their support.  Honestly, if they had been as big on "tough love" as some of my friends' parents, I would not have finished high school and , frankly, I probably would have committed suicide a long time ago.  I've learned to compensate for my disabilities as I've gotten older, which is a mixed blessing in that I am more functional, but it also makes it even more obvious to me how different I am, which is painful. 

I'm a little offended by what seems to me like generalization of the natures of adult children living at home.  We're not all spoiled, whining, sponges.  I came back home after college initially because I was having a hard time finding a job that I could live on, and my mother was ill and my father needed someone who could help with the housework that she couldn't do.  I've been out of college for five years and still live at home, but I have worked full-time the whole time, paid rent, do housework, run errands, paid for my own personal expenses, etc., etc.  I finally have a job that pays me decently and that gives me enough benefits that a couple of sick days won't put me behind, but I'm getting ready to go back to school and, once again, will not really have the money to move out.  My parents don't mind having me around but they do want me to be self-sufficient (which is why they are letting me stay if I go back to school).  They don't pay my expenses. 

I hate the term "Boomerang Generation", especially at a time when everyone is complaining about how much harder it is to earn a living.  I was paying $200 out-of-pocket a month for health insurance--I was 27, not overweight, never smoked, essentially never drank, never did drugs, did not sleep around, had no preexisting health conditions, etc..  It was ridiculous.  I got a sinus infection the week before a job interview and had to go to the doctor.  I didn't even get a real exam--the consultation and five antibiotic pills cost me almost $90 WITH INSURANCE.  I had to take an unpaid day off work to go. 

As far as I can tell, Jay still does quite a bit of work for his dad, and I'm sure that being Dr. Phil's son hasn't hurt his situation in life at all.  If Dr. Phil is really going to talk about the Boomerang Generation, how about some discussion of costs of living and diminished employment compensation instead of just pointing out how spoiled and worthless we all are?  I hate to see the "kids" on this show held up as examples of my generation and my situation.   

There is hardly any jobs anymore that pay more than $5.15 an hour, unless you count all those "work from home" jobs that are more than likely bull.  You try finding a job in a place like I live, but, judging by the date you are quoted as typing, you are probably retired and living off of Social Security that I helped to give you when I did have a job.  So what would YOU know about it.  I think that a lot of the trouble is that there are more people than there are jobs and that people in the stage between highschool and college are suffering titles like "mooch" while they attempt to scratch out a living in our failing economy.  And college tution keeps going up and up, making it impossible for people like me to go to college, forcing me to work minimum wage jobs, and forcing me to throw all my money away on rent, bills, gas, etc. 

And now that our Colorado government is going to keep all the excess taxes that they have raped from me, I am seriously thinking about throwing myself off of a bridge.   

I agree with the people who have expressed the difficulties for young adults of covering costs such as: paying rent (here in Minnesota $650/mo), food, $350+/mo, Utilities/phone $230/mo., health insurance/other health costs: $180/mo., transportation car payment/insurance/tags: $250/mo., clothing/uniforms/shoes for work $85 mo.,  student loan payments $100-200/mo.; Total: 1615-1945/month, and I'm probably leaving out something.  Median wage in this town:   $11/hrX160 hrs of work per month=$1760.    This means a monthly deficit of almost $200 and nothing left over for anything extra, like socializing with friends, buying a pizza or going out to a movie/getting a DVD, buying makeup, toiletries,etc. 

Most young people DO share housing expenses, and that helps, but you can see how it is a challenge to save up for buying a house, and God forbid that anyone should get pregnant and have a child - a nightmare of increased expenses and getting further and further behind.  A recent survey of University of Minnesota unionized clerical and technical employees (avg. wage - @$16.00/hr )discovered that a huge percentage of those people are using credit cards to buy groceries or pay for medicine costs for family members, and feeling further behind, racking up that personal debt that crushes so many into bankruptcy.  How can we promote the "ownership society" when young families aren't making enough to have children, much less to own property? 

I did not get to view all of todays' show, but I do agree that our kids of today are not as prepared as we were as kids. We knew that when we finished high school that we were to go to college, get a job and move out and take care of ourselves. We did not know any other way.  

My son for instance is 20 years old is in his 3rd year of college, living at home, working full-time and can't seem to make ends meat. Excuse me, but it is time for him to go out on him own.  

My husband and I struggle with this, because we feel that he may not continue on with college if he has to pay rent on an apartment. I feel that if he so chooses that is his choice.  

He has his privleges, he comes and goes as he wishes. He does his own laundry. We pay the house expenses. We buy the groceries, pay all utilities, but he never offers.  

I guess my confusion is when is enough? 

He works the night shift 5 days a week, goes to school during the day, comes home and sleeps when he can. He does not help around the house, because in actuality he does not have time and when he has free time he is pretty much sleeping.  He goes out for fun when he can on weekends. He has gotten himself into financial debt his first year of college(credit card) and is working to pay this debt off. I admire him for that, but my struggle is, with him at home and not having to pay his own bills,(ie: rent, utilities,food,payments) should we continue to allow him to live at home or are we hurting him more by allowing him to live here. 

We see him spend his extra money on play things, or him going places with friends, which I know he needs to do some of that to vent, but when we don't see him save  his money and he continues to spend it unneccessarily what are we to do? 

I know I sound rambling, but I recently gave him a time limit. I told him that during his christmas break he must find a place of his own. He needs to find out what the real world is all about. He is angry at this, but I told him that he has no respect for his parents house and he thinks he ows us nothing.  I don't expect him to owe us anything, but respect! Clean up after yourself, be a part of the family, participate with the family  when he can and offer assistance when he sees the need. 

He just wants to come and go and not be bothered. He keeps his room a shambles, he hardly ever cleans up after himself(leaving dishes out). He constantly says he has no time? 

I struggle with what to do and how to offer suggestions to my husband. He is afraid that he will drop out of college and work full-time to pay his way if we give him an ultimatim. I feel that he needs that ultimatim. We did it and we did fine on our own. I think he needs to too! 

I could use some advice. 

How did you get through 8 years of college without working? Even if you had a full ride scholarship because of your academics, what did you do for spending money?  My oldest is a senior in college and works 20 hours a week for her spending money, and she's footing the bill (loans and money from her summer job) for the small portion of her tuition that isn't covered by scholarships and gift aid.  She's also on the dean's list and does practicum in her field 2 days a week.  8 years of college without working?  That's a totally foreign concept at our house. Both my kids have worked since they were 13 or 14. 

Are you telling me that you're 26, owner of an advanced degree, being totally supported by your parents, and you're not even working at a convenience store or sacking groceries??  When I got out of law school I couldn't find a job in the field for several months either, so I signed up with a temporary service and did all kinds of office work -- typing, switchboard, whatever paid the rent -- while my JD sat at home gathering dust.  That's how I took care of the "not even 10 bucks in my bank account" problem.  I then took the first job I was offered in my field, which was part-time and paid only slightly better than unemployment compensation.  But it opened doors for me and eventually led to the job I have today and have had for the last 17 years. 

If the area you live in is so competitive with respect to finding a job, why not look  -- notice I didn't say "move" -- somewhere else?   First you go look, then you find a job, THEN you move.  That's what I did 32 years ago, and yes, it does still work that way if you really don't want to live with your parents..   

If you don't want to be called a moocher, quit whining, go out and get a job of some kind, and support yourself.  You're 26 years old, for heaven's sake.  How are you going to explain this to your kids (if you ever do move out and move on, that is)?? 

Peepinbud, he was only in vet school for 4 years.  The other 4 were undergrad.  What prevented him from working during that time? And what did he do during the summers? 

He's claiming it's OK to continue to let his parents support him because "he doesn't have $10 bucks in the bank."  Nobody's asking him to make a career out of fast food -- just to get off his duff and get some money coming in so he can contribute to his parents' expenses in supporting him. I punched a switchboard with a law degree moldering at home a lot longer than I wanted to, but I did it because "I didn't have $10 bucks in the bank" and it was my responsibility as an ADULT to remedy that problem, not my parents'. 

And if you would trouble yourself to read what I wrote, I did tell him to find a job first in a new area, THEN move. I know it can be done because I did it. Of course it's expensive to move.  But if his parents are willing to provide for his every need without a dime in reimbursement now, when he's not even trying to work, I'm sure they'd help out a little with moving expenses to get him to where his job is.  By the way, I paid my own moving expenses.  

I agree with the previous post-er that adults living with their parents who are paying board/rent, cleaning,  and generally not being slackers are not moochers if they have a goal and are taking concrete steps to carry out their plans to reach that goal.  It's the ones being totally supported by their parents and still whining "Poor, poor pitiful me" need to be gently but firmly removed into the real world.