Messages By: lollypop

 i really have to write a letter for you.  man i keep forgetting.
Beka

 Even in the light of day this board is much more difficult to understand, less clarity of whos posting what and when...disappearing posts and weird stuff.  To me it feels like a downgrade from the simnple and totally working system we had, now THIS message board is in the same format as all the other generic boards to post on out there.  I guess thats being judgemental, but its very very awkward to use.

Im jut going to POST every time, and NOT REPLY.  SO LOOK FOR YOUR NAME.
 I was tickled to see Tammy here, and Brooke, and Kalie, even tho your life sounds hellish, and i KNOW Brookes life is hellish. 

KALIE: WHY ARE YOU NOT ON MEDS? arent you in canada where meds are free?  I feel awful for ALL the crap you have gone through lately. It seems when it rains it pours.  Imso sorry you have been in a downslope.  ugh

RHAMMATTEL: I have had only a chance to glance at your post and still trying to figure out the new board, but i will definitely reply with some advice later.  ;)

just keep looking!

AUST: I am SOOOOOOOOOO glad yo are back you had disapeared for a while there. 
and thanks for the men.

ABout me

I am reduced on tegrttol to 500 mgs, i have kicked matt out again, and it is just lorelei and I trying to hit every food bank in town for enough food and diapers to last us.  Poor Matt, he is really  sad and it influences me so ,much, i HATE to see him sad, it is hard to remember that he caused me to want him out when he is so "defeated".  I mean, i dont care how broke i am, I have LORELEI, and he does love her more than anything.  It  hurts him so much to be away from her, but i am SURE i have to make this stick this time.  I love him, i do, but we do not make each other happy, we just make each other miserable.  and it is the saddest thing in the world when love is not enough. 

JENN: I aw you posted i have gotten lost trying to go back a nd forth and stuff, i have to go back and read it.

CRANBERRY: I saw you too-peek a boo.  (a game i am good at.)

Beka
P>S.  REMEMBER< I THINK I AM JUST GOING TO POST TO PEOPLE STRAIGHT UP< NOT THIS REPLY WIRTH QUOTE CRAP>  SO JUST LOOK FOR YOUR NAME>  WELL see as the board gets us broken in.  But if first impresssions count, im not pleased at all.

so im sour grapes now.

I hope you have your cheese
Beka

 I have spent the morning cooking up a lot of food for Matt because he has no kitchen.  And it was food i dont eat or lorelei either, my diet and such. I am feeling down. sad.  I didnt want this to end.  But i dont want to go on being so angry.  Its realy really hard.  It was awful last night when Lorelei talked to him on the phone and said "I miss you Daddy". Those ae the parts that hurt like hell.

so I am sticking to my plan, but it hurts.  It hurts to send away someone you love because it doesnt wor.

Im ok, ill be n later.

Beka

 I SOOOOOOOOlove the pic you posted, nothing made me happier today... besides going outside with Lorelei and seeing my hot neighbor who "just happens" tobe out when i am!  LOL  wouldnt that be nice.

B

 because I CAN bckspace in the title bar no problem, I HAVE no picture/image, mo matter how hard i try.  By NOT being chronological i mean, if you click on the number 1 you do not get the FIRST PAGE OF POSTS asone would expect, then 2 and 3,  depending on what page you HAVE BEEN ON, the numbers always bring up different pages.  THEN theres this impresive looking bar of (supposed) options on the top of each post, and NONE of them are even options 99% of us would want to use... spell check? numbered lists? red or black ink?  I keep thinking  this is a bad joke...I dont even see how ANYONE would think this is an improvement.  There's a lot of differemt stuff, but most of it is not anything we would use.  AND again. as for chronological, i sign in immediately when i come to the board every time, if i click on my last post at the top right, which is the LEAST confusing, but i dont know if i am missing any replies unless i go through ALL the numbers at the bottom.... anyway, when i click on my post at the top, all posts that have come after my post are on top of it!, so i re-read MY post, athen the answers or whatever are essentially going backwards above it.  Uh-uh, Look, I belong to several message boards, my intelligence level, and hands on computer knowledge of functionality is not impaired.  This "new improved " message board is almost impossible to use and get all the functions of the old one.  I have read Faq and EVEN that does not help.  I know when i was on the old board, when we posted pics, that was ONE of the MAIN causes for us to giggle and forget our stresses, and we cannot do that anymore, we can't find replies with a click of a button, we have to search back through them all and i still dont know if THATS the answer because you end up in a maze of miscellaneous pages, always something differewnt under a different number.  I feel like I am on a game show, TRYING MY LUCK every time i come here.

Ok, you say, then quit bit##@ing and dont USE the board.  I realize i musst sound lhorribly rude, and awful and i guess thats the way this board makes me feel, foul and angry.   I wont come back so nobody has to hear my complaints, but if anyone paid attention, they ALL make sense.

Beka

 I have gone to my profile, thanks Kalie I think to rearrange at least the order the posts are in.  So now i have read them all like 38 times.  So that is better.  YES< CATHY I had to change my user namebecause at the time the board first came up no matter what i did i could not use my old name, i followed all instructions until i finally just got a new name.

KATHYDREAM its great to see you, how are things with you and your husband?  I have left mine, well we were not married, just share a toddler together, and it is difficult at best,  but in the long run i have hopes to be loved again, by a man that doesnt shudder to have sex with me or hang out with a movie or something homey instead of begging to go to a pool hall or something wild like that.  He was/is a good guy, but we are not compatible.  I became an entirely different person when i had a baby and he stayed the same.  We just dont complement each other anymore, we are like oil and water.  Its very very sad, because i have invested the best parts of my life in trying to stay together.  I lost.

NEW posters, welcome.
im outta here.

I am going to re-read the FAQ's and see if i can feel any less like an animal in a bear trap on this board.

Ill let you all know. or i wont come back.

beka

 I always just say "it's morning, because i'm not much for GOOD MORNING, LOL

The heart strings are tightening for me with Matt gone.  We had a discussion last night on the phone where i basically denied him to stay here until his new roommate/apt opens up.  It is so confusing and difficult on Lorelei and it is very hard to see the internal damage children get from a parent coming and going and just feeling the tension and pain.  It hurts me so VERY much to tell him NO i can't help you when i know he has nowhere to go.  Its a 5 day spread, but i have been THERE for him for 3 years whatever he needed i gave my own needs a back seat and i cannot do it anymore.  My life is down to being a 31 year old woman with  a two year old child to raise all on my own.  I cannot describe the anguish and despair, just for not being able to DO IT.  To keep my family together.  I feel like someone took a grave digging shovel and hollowed out my insides.  I PHYSICALLY feel scraped out and like there is an awfully painful vacancy there.  Matt and I were soulmates in a big way and then we grew and changed, only not together  and now we are not.  Not anything. 

So enough about me, there really arent words to describe what i am feelling.  I can only shove through the dull ache, fears and sadness.

Kalie, man I am so sorry you are in a pile yourself.  It was not long ago when i could not afford my meds and i was a mess and you were so sympathetic.  I feel for you VERY MUCH.  What meds do you take?  At least themost important ones?  Maybe there is "somebody that can help somehow..." on the board...

The CAS stuff and all that is just ugly, and it surely is dragging you down. It sounds like a very unhealthy situation for you to be in,,,,, i cannot say what you should do, but if your roommates boyfriend is causeing YOU pain and stress I can't think of anything good about it...

Tammy: thanks for reaching out. 

Faith: I seem to be on the rollercoaster you are on, i feel like it willpick up by tomorrow.  ;)  Maybe a little green man with "pouchy lips will come along... LOl

JENN: I am still waiting for mY PURPLE PILLS, LOL and i see you are thinking of me, as I am you, its just very hard for me right now to really accomplish anything.  I WANT to try to submit for Dr Phils show.  It is actually a GOAL in capital letters i hopei can find the drive to look for it and sign up or whatever.

KATHYDREAM:  I am ashamed to admit i am jealouos of your lortab, i could use a happy pill right now, something to stop me thinking and aching.  Not physical ache, but did you know lortab help with heartache too? LOL  It is not funny to jopke about your pain meds, and i never take any pills or anything, but i was remembering the days... when there was nothing a pain pill or 5 wouldnt fix.

Not so anymore.

Hey!  I'm ok!  don't I always say that?  I have sold my baby's crib so i can buy food and diapers.  I have also gotten 2 local recurring jobs doing cleaning for some elderly or disabled people so i have that.  I had advertised to take on child care but not really wanting to  do it.  I like to keep my stress level low.  But i will do what i have to to keep my child in comfort, and so will MATT,its just financially desoalte for him right now having to comeup with large sums of $$ just to move out and get a place, like i said we are working together, so the child support will come as he can afford to live himself and pay me as well. 

It's morning.

;( Beka

 Welcome to the board.  Mostof us aremothers of different ages.  I have a 2 yr old and i am bipolar II ultra rapid cycling with anxiety panick attack disorder along with PTSD and borderline personality disorder.  I am making myslef a martyr raisingmy daughter so as not to affect her with my illnesses.  I work daily and HARD on it.    I have just separated  after 3 yrs with her father and am sad and very desolate but i know its right for us all. 

good luck and stay posting!

Beka

P>S>  TAMMY, Ill be doing 40 minutes ellipt today, it really helps alleviate stress pain etc as wella s my big butt, people are all startig to tell me i am looking thinner and it feels good. clothes are looser andmy face is much better.  yahoo me later.  taking Loreleito the park to give her something to do, and maybe meet a cute man.  LOL not really but i am doing it for lorelei.  Will get a few groceries maybe since isold the crib and need a few items.  the cupboard is shaky at best, LOL

Love to you all

beka

 by the way, in AMERICA, ARSE is not a swear word, LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 BOY we have missed you.  Please e-mail me!  bekalore@excite.com

i want to talk privately
B