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Messages By: lsforls
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November 1, 2005, 1:13 pm PST
 Quote From: amyjo80192 It's been awhile since I wrote last. I hope that no one has worried. I have decided that I will stay because I got past all the control issues (sort of). I decided to be my own person and let him deal with his issues. I will help him if I can, but it's his problem. I will do what I want within reason. I figure that this will force him to deal with his problems. I will let him know what I want to do and ask how he feels about it. If he has a problem, we will talk about it but I won't not do it because he says so. I have figured out that if I want him to really trust me, then I have to show him that I won't do anything to break his trust. I have been with him long enough that he should already know this but I think I have got to go back to square one. Things have happened that have shown me that I really do love him. I think the anger just got in the way for awhile. Thanks for all your advice and support. Reading the messages on this board helped me think through all this and hopefully find a solution to my problems. Amyjo Good Luck to you!!!!! Remember to stay strong! Caving in to keep peace is no peace at all!!! It only delays the war!
I hope he will see the wonderful, loving person he has before him & makes the necessary changes along with you for a better future! Work together & it will happen! Nothing is impossible! God Bless - LS >^.^< |
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November 3, 2005, 4:48 am PST
Quote From: guiltridn The crying has lessened, at least for now. But I was the same way. It seemed some days that's all I did was cry. I worked long hours because that was the only time I didn't think about my problems. School is occupying most of my thoughts right now. It isn't easy learning how to study again. But it sure feels good to know I can do it! And my h thinks this is easy for me because I stopped letting him see me cry. He actually said I seem to be having fun with all this! I'm scared silly and he thinks I'm having fun!
There's been so much over the years, especially since I put a stop to sex. I'd never done that before. After that he kept alternating between being nice and being nasty. I asked why he was being nasty and he said because being nice wasn't working. The last 2 years were worse than the 30 before it put together. I broke the pattern. He was used to me asking forgiveness for getting upset at his bad behavior. Then he'd tear me up and down for awhile, then decide to make up.
But now for the last 2 months, he's been only nice. Sometimes I think I'm afraid he has changed. It almost scares me when he's being nice. I actually think maybe the outburts will never happen again. I was able to stop him from talking down to me in front of his parents some years back. I think he finally realizes I'm serious about this. The trouble is, I don't know if I could ever feel close to him and want to have sex with him again. Maybe I could forgive him, but how would I ever forget the things he said. Does anyone ever recover from abuse? Can a person fall back in love with someone who was so mean? He said I should have nipped this in the bud a long time ago. I said if I had, this same thing would have happened, just a lot sooner.
Every day part of me wants to go back. I miss my house, my garden, my old life. But something always stops me. We're supposed to be in counceling, but it was thru work and he quit, again(he does that a lot). He didn't like the counceling because he was worried what she thought of him. It wasn't doing much good anyway, because she didn't seem concerned about the last 30 years. She just kept asking" but how did he treat you the last 2 weeks?" My H also made some changes. He was alcoholic & went into rehab. When he came out, he had changed back to the person I married. I was thrilled & thought all my problems were over till he slowly changed back. The only difference is after that, he didn't drink anymore. That was about 13 years ago. Things just got worse steadily after that till he cheated.
Anyway, my point is that they can change for a good period of time but not permanently. It is rare that they change for good. VERY rare. It takes councelling & a lot of time for them to understand themselves & stop abusing. Since for the most part they don't believe they are at fault, most abusers never follow through with any healing or recovery. They go along in the beginning to keep the peace but give up too soon to do any real good. It's also true that they don't want to look bad in front of people. My H went to councelling several times but was never completely honest (didn't want to look bad, you know!). So how can a Doctor help if you don't tell him your symptoms? That was my argument. And so it didn't help. It's just part of that old cycle of abuse - the honeymoon period - to be nice for a while & seem like they have changed, but it usually goes back to the old ways soon enough. Eventually, they don't even bother to be nice anymore - skipping right over the honeymoon period & just being abusive 24-7. Could you fall in love with him again? Love is a funny thing & unpredictable. Only you can answer that in your heart. YOU alone have that answer. Now that you know what you know, nothing will be the same for you. Your H would have to do a lot of healing just to catch up to you & THEN maybe. The odds are against it - possible but not probable.
As for the counceller herself - could be that a different counceller would have been more helpful - a better "fit" for you. But that's irrelevant now unless you are going to councelling for yourself. Don't be afraid to "shop around".
I'm sorry you are in pain over the loss of your house, garden & your old life. BUT - you can have another place for yourself (or maybe the same house if things work out in your favor!) - you can have a garden again somewhere else. As for your old life - was it that great - NO! You are missing only parts of it but things change in life. Things would be different anyway. I miss parts of my old life too but my kids are not small anymore & as for some of the other things I miss, I can still have them in some ways - you can too. Change can be a good thing. There are new adventures for you & so much to look forward to in your future. Remembering to "stop & smell the roses" will help you to appreciate what you have to be grateful for NOW. Focus on that & build on that. Ask yourself what do YOU want & go for it. Be a good "life manager" to yourself as Dr. Phil once said. Manage good things for yourself & soon you will have more things to list that you are grateful for NOW than you had in the past! Things will get better - just hang on!!!!!!! God Bless - LS >^.^< |
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November 5, 2005, 1:09 pm PST
Quote From: leolady811 This is a far reach for me, but I figured I would give this a try. I am so embarrassed and yet so confused that I am trying to understand if what I am about to mention is something of my fault or simply me overreacting to normal marriage compromising; My husband is anal regarding my "bra's" and what tops I wear in public. Let me set the the record straight first - I dress normal - nothing to see and am not premiscuous. He has this thing about checking out my bra's and making sure they are padded and not see through AT ALL. Even after I had shopped and spent $100's on new bra's - ones that were the most padded I could possibly find - he is still funny about them... YET - he has this other thing he calls our adult time - and wants me to go braless whenever it suits him for a nite out. I know this sounds strange in general. It IS strange actually. It is a form of control I think. We have been married for 11 years - we do not sleep in the same bed due to my tossing and turning and his inability to sleep without a tv on, we are completely opposites in personality yet we both have much love for eachother. However - for 9 out of the 11 years, I have been dealing with this issue! At first I thought possibly something COULD be seen, yet years later, I realized that even a simple bump or crease in the padding of the bra he fretted being a nipple... and so it goes. At this point, I feel humiliated, stripped of much of my dignity and rights as an adult and female not to mention, embarrassed. I have somewhat distanced myself from him sexually due to the fact that I now hold a great deal of resentment. I have become very angry and feel that if I can't wear normal bra's and clothing - then why should he be able to watch ANY nudity on tv - even R rated movies. He believes it is comparing apples and oranges. It seems to me that he has double standards and is being a hyprocrit. I comply once in a while with his request to go topless for the sake of holding onto our marriage, making him happy and keeping his interest on me, yet I literally feel a wave of sickness and hatred toward him when this happens - however I have learned to hide it well and just move on. I guess my question is, what IS the fine line between compromsing for a marriages sake and just getting to a point of realizing it isn't worth it and it is just his problem to deal with on his own? I do not even know at this point HOW to be honest with MYSELF about how I truly feel over this. I have changed a great deal from the person I was years ago - and feel very unsettled and out of my skin, so to speak. I also must add, he is not persistant in his requests for "adult" time, but I feel guilty if I don't comply. He has indicated that this is what he looks forward to and what he thinks about to keep him going during the times we are unable to be intimate. There is so much more to it - but for now - this is the main issue I need to find answers to! Any help - similar situations - or just a ear to listen and respond would be greatly appreciated! Signed, Leolady or Loserlady??? Sorry to say but you are being sexually abused by your husband! It's a sick game that your husband plays with you! The sooner you learn all you can about the abuse game, the sooner you can stop being a victim & stop playing the game!
You have resentments. OF COURSE! He is treating you like an object - like he owns you! Of course you are not permiscuous - don't have to tell me! He is a hypocrite - YOU BET HE IS! Guilt is one of the tools abusers use to control you. Get rid of it! You know in your heart what is right & what is wrong. You know! Listen to your instincts - they are right on target - always have been! He is playing mind games with you - manipulating you into doing what he wants you to do. I'll bet he even has said "it's the least you can do", hasn't he!!!!! Again, making you feel like you are less than good enough! You comply with his requests to hold on to your marriage. Let me ask you this - how much complying does HE do!!! No doubt according to him you are lucky he even hangs around - he's SO stuck with you!!! These are ALL mind games he's playing to make you feel worthless. When you feel worthless, you are easier to control - that's it!!! THAT'S THE GAME! Think about it - it's true! The more worthless & the less self-esteem a victim has, the less likely they would be to leave & the more likely they would be to do ANYTHING to hold on to the relationship!!!
The BIG "but" here is that YOU ARE SELLING YOURSELF SHORT!!! You are forgetting that you ARE NOT worthless & DO deserve to be treated better! We all have a God-given right to be treated with dignity & respect. He has no right to make you feel like a "piece of meat" or a possession! Stay strong. Set your boundaries on what WILL or WILL NOT be tolerated & STICK TO THEM! Don't ever make any threats that you are NOT willing & able to carry out.
You asked about compromising. Compromising in a marriage is necessary - Dr. Phil calls it negotiating. BUT neither person should feel like they are giving up more than they are getting. When one person feels like they are always the one doing the compromising or giving, the relationship gets off balance & eventually that person WILL have resentments & will rebel. About resentments - DON'T do anything that you are going to resent later! That's a bad deal with bad results.
As I said, you have a right to be treated with dignity & respect but first, you have to treat YOURSELF with dignity & respect! It's not a luxury - IT'S REQUIRED! YOU ARE WORTH IT!! God Bless - LS >^.^< |
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November 5, 2005, 7:12 pm PST
Quote From: kgerlock Help, I feel so angry, alone , helpless and sad. I am with a horrible man who has been very abusive for the last 11 yrs. We have been on and off for this time, getting back together and splitting up over and over again with too many times to count. We have a 9 yr old son,together and I feel terrible that I have been putting him through all this crap. I can't or haven't been a very good mom if I am staying or keep coming back to this man. I have been call every vile disgusting name you can think of all in front of my son, I've been punched in the side of the head and had my glasses broke, had food that I've made him thrown at me, chocked, slapped, kicked in the stomach when 7 months pregnant, live under the constant threat of violence. Am told to shut up repeatedly or I'll have a whole puched through my head, again threats in front of my child. How stupid am I, I come right back. He is an alcholholic and addict who is clean and sober for 3 yrs now and the abuse is no better than before. I need help,I am moving again , this time for good. I have Reached my ROCK BOTTOM. for me and my son. Help, any one any good advice would be appreciatted. I just need a friend I can talk too someone who understands my pain. I feel like a burden to everyone, and I have no friends, he's made sure of that. The ones I did have told me a couple times ago they no longer wanted to be in my life if I was with him. See everyone is tired of doing this with me, I feel all alone and like a giant pain in the A-- to everyone. I need to talk, I need to get it all out. I need a friend, I'm lonely. I'm tired. I'm numb. HELP thanks for reading and listening, greatly appreciated. sincerely KARA. kgerlock@telus.net I looked up on your profile - I am also a hairstylist. I was just licensed this year. Went to school because of my divorce - I needed an income of my own & I always wanted to do hair. Good that you have a skill - you can get a job for yourself - something you will need for your financial security in the future - but I'm way ahead of myself.
Get a restraining order against him!!! Don't think twice about it - JUST DO IT! It is of the utmost importance that you get some distance between you & your abuser IMMEDIATELY!! You & your son are in danger EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY that you stay!!!!!!!!
Then - LEARN, LEARN, LEARN! Learn all you can about abuse. You have been brainwashed over time to believe that you are worthless & a "giant pain in the A to everyone!" NOT TRUE! You have come to the right place! I hope you keep coming back! There is lots to be learned here! Go back a page or 2 - there is a listing of many web sites you can visit to learn about abuse & how it affects victims. Knowledge is key to YOUR recovery! The more you know, the better able you will be to make informed decisions for your future. Since you have been living with abuse for some time - you are SEVERLY abused!!! Let's not minimize it!!! It is what it is BUT the good news is that you have a world of hope for you to recover!!!!!
You are right in saying that you haven't been as good a mom as you could be but it's OK! Sorry to be blunt but you are not functioning at 100% capacity!!! You can't give what you don't have & your son IS being damaged by the abuse as well - don't think you can shield him from it - YOU CAN'T!!! Now that you have hit "rock bottom" the only way to go is up for you, right!!! One of my favorite sayings is a quote from Maya Angelou - "we did what we knew how to do & when we knew better, we did better." You are stronger than you think & can do this! There are lots of people here that will help. Lots of advice too. Stick around! The more you learn, the wiser you will be. Learn the game of abuse - the cycle of abuse - & how it works. Once you recognize the game, you can stop being a victim of it & as Q always says, when you stop playing the game, the game stops!!!!!!!!
I know how hard this is - I DO!!! But this is KILLING YOU!!! Day in & day out, little by little, you are dying a slow death first emotionally & it will take it's toll on you physically as well!!! Even a little stress over time can do a lot of damage! YOU DESERVE BETTER!
THINK!!! Make a plan for your future. You need shelter, food, financial stability. With your skills, you can probably get a job for yourself without too much trouble - that's if you are not already working. Get a lawyer. Chances are you are entitled to at least 1/2 of all your marital assets AND your H may have to pay support for you & your son as well.
There's so much to learn - hard to put it all in one post! Keep coming back!!! WE CARE & YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!!
Talk & vent all you need to! We will listen & help all we can! God Bless - LS >^.^< |
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November 8, 2005, 5:23 pm PST
Quote From: stillalady Hey hon,it's me (aka.scaredicat,aka.Ladybug) When i finally got back on board ( and god knows it took long darn enough LOL) your pic was the first i saw and i knew i was home :) :) I wish to learn how to add a pic to my messages who can help?
"charmed" SOOO good to see ya!!!!!!!! You have been missed much!!! I LOVE the way you put things - always did! I missed your humor too!!! How the heck are you!!!!!!!
I'm doing fine. Financially things are a little rough. Everything else is WONDERFUL! I'm working as a hairstylist now 2 days a week & doing my other stuff as well to make ends meet. Things are rough because people are afraid to spend money. Guess we can blame the hurricanes for most of that - gas prices going up, etc. Things are rough for a lot of people!
Gosh, you've been on my mind a lot!!!!!! Glad you are back!!!!
If you go to "PROFILE" at the top of the page, there should be a place to click to add a picture. It will probably ask you to browse & you can choose a picture that you have saved from one of your files on the computer. Should be pretty easy.
Take care & God Bless! LS >^.^< |
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November 8, 2005, 6:20 pm PST
Quote From: mackersmom Dang... I had a huge thing typed up but I must have left it for too long because I went to send and it wasn't there! CRAP! The gyst of it was that most people that are abused have come from a dysfuntional background of some sort. I am no exception. You name it, it happened to me. I didn't always have my sisters by my side always. We only met in 1990 after being separated for 22 years. I did not grow up with a father around which has clouded my judgment for my son. Especially when his dad says, "If we split up, I'll just move to wherever and leave Ontario" See son whenever I can. Yeah okay... that's putting some heavy guilt on me. But we have to think at what THEIR example is setting for our boys on how to treat THEIR wives in the future. Keep in mind, we are raising somebody's husband. Unfortunately, we are nurturing souls and that habit is hard to break. IT's too bad you can't rely on your sisters. One thing I have learned in life is that just because something looks pretty on the outside, doesn't mean it is on the inside. We all have our secrets behind closed doors. Right? Good for you on becoming strong. love the LIKE ME OR LEAVE ME thing. My heart would not be broken either, if he wasn't in my life. I just can't get my nerve up to do it. I hate confrontation and hurting people. Hating confrontation & hurting people is what got most of us on the road to "victimville" in the first place! We all did a lot to not rock the boat & keep peace! Sometimes it comes to a point that you not only rock the boat but you tip it over completely! Sometimes it needs to be tipped over!!!
Sounds like your H is still pushing buttons, running guilt trips, & controlling. You don't have to ACCEPT that huge guilt trip, you know. Whatever your H decides to do if you split up is HIS decision & NOT your responsibility! It's just another tactic of his to get you to do what he wants. I hope you can see that. That's how the game works. Guilt is one of the biggest tools that abusers use to control. Victims are so brainwashed, they feel guilty for EVERYTHING! It's an old bad habit that clouds your true judgement & drowns out your inner voice!
Bottom line - you do what you feel is best for yourself & your son. Whatever HE does is on HIM! Trust yourself, follow your instincts - they are usually right!!! No need to play his games anymore! We may be nurturing souls but most of us have forgotten to nurture ourselves along the way!!!!!!!! - another bad habit! Stay strong! God Bless - LS >^.^< |
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November 8, 2005, 6:24 pm PST
Quote From: tday177 I myself have only started using this site. I've felt nothing but encouragement and sisterhood. What are you expecting? What kind of problems are you going through? I'm just leaving a 23 stint in hell. I'd be happy to reply to your messages if I feel I can help in any way or just to listen. It seems like we're all rowing the same boat here. I'm a new survivor--5 weeks today. Good luck. |
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November 9, 2005, 2:24 pm PST
Quote From: mackersmom My mind is saying that to me over and over and over and over.... It consumes my every waking minute but for some reason I just can't DO IT!!!! I just get more pissed off as each day passes and each stupid or annoying thing he does. The tension is mounting. I'm thinking part of me is sabotaging it, wanting for him to blow up so I have an excuse or a way out. Why can't I just be stronger and take the bull by the horns? I know all that bit about he is an adult and should be able to make his own decisions and what he does is his own responsibility, but then I think to how he has no friends or family here (we've been here almost 8 yrs now, I've made friends) His own choice, I know because he likes the antisocial life. I am really confused. I know I cannot see myself sitting on the front porch in twin rockers during our golden years, so why am I postponing the inevitable? Big WIMP!!! Hopefully talking here and going to my counselling will help? Don't be too hard on yourself! I have said it many times - you'll know when you know. You aren't ready yet. As Dr. Phil would say - what's in it for you? What's the payoff? When staying is more frightening than leaving, you'll be ready!
Keep remembering that you are NOT responsible for HIS life, HIS friends, HIS problems or HIS decisions!
You ARE strong - just need to tap that inner strength! You'll find it! Healing & recovering is a process that takes different lengths of time for different people/situations.
Make some plans for your future. That will help give you more of a sense of security about the unknown future. Think of it as something you are running TO & not from! Get the focus off him & where it belongs - on YOU & what YOU want & what's best for YOU!!! Give yourself a break! You've been through a lot! Hang in there & keep moving forward! You'll get there!!! God Bless - LS >^.^< |
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November 9, 2005, 6:48 pm PST
Quote From: stillalady apparently i have nothing to choose from to add here how can i get something and where do i put it so i can use it in the edit area? OK - go to yahoo.com or google & do a search for "images". You can choose whatever you want, right click on the picture or image you like. It will ask you to save to. You can put it in a folder of your choice (there is usually a list that will come up or you can make up your own folder by right clicking on the desktop somewhere & make up a folder naming it anything you like & save your pictures to there). Now come back here, click on profile at the top & again there should be a place to choose a picture, I think you click browse after that & a menu will pop up. Find your folder, open it & search for the picture you downloaded. I think all you have to do then is open it & it will appear on your profile. Hope I didn't skip anything. It's relatively easy & if I forgot anything, you should be able to figure it out without much trouble. Hope this helps!!!!!
CONGRATS on the new grandbaby!!!!!!!
You are sounding so good! I agree with your choice about the move-in. Good to be free - don't want to lose that so soon! Good to be absolutely sure it's what you want too & not just for the here & now. You're taking good care of YOU!!!
I am flying solo still. I think I could be ready for another relationship as long as it wasn't too serious. Just want to have some good old fashioned fun for now! Where to go to meet someone!!! I'm not into bars or clubs. Choices are limited at a hair salon even though I do get to run my fingers through a lot of mens' hair!!! LOL Well, if God has something up His sleeve for me, He'll let me know! No need to rush things anyway. I need to concentrate on making my ends meet at the moment! I was spoiled before - now I have only ME, MYSELF, & I to bring home the bacon, cook it, & clean up!!! Still wouldn't trade in my peace & serenity for ONE DAY of my old life, though!!!!!!!!!!! Life's too short to be that miserable - even for a day!!! God Bless - LS >^.^< |
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November 9, 2005, 7:07 pm PST
Quote From: razincake Hello to all! I am Married 4 10 years and I have professionals that tells me I am in an abusive relationship. not physical! My heart tells me I am in an emotionall abusive marriage. But why can't I get it? I am so lost and I doubt my self. Can someone tell me storys how a man should treat his wife? Even sexually? This man I am married to is a recovering Alcoholic,also on a dry drunk like attitude. I am 47 and he is 54. He is all about him. I need someone to get back to me, because I am confused, and I use to have a good head on my shoulders? I am baffled,bewitched and bewilldered. I need to move on, I know this in my heart. But when I talk to him he ends the conversation about me leaving, Or he says leave but he gets everything? When he came into this relationship he had nothing and I had all the materal things? What keeps me here? Just call me Razincake. I was not physically abused either if you call being beat up as the only physical abuse. Physical abuse can also be when they throw things at you, push you, pinch you......... the list is long! Still, the hardest abuse to recover from is emotional/verbal. A great book that I read that helped put me on the right track is "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. LOADS of info in there that will help you to see the light!
My X was also alcoholic - another problem. Maybe you thought all your troubles would be over (like I did) when my then H stopped drinking. Well, it didn't take long before I realized that there was another problem even deeper - abuse! It's true that both alcoholics & abusers are all about themselves! No doubt as well as being abused, you are also co-dependent as well.
It's a lot to take in but you need to learn all you can about both alcoholism AND abuse. Knowledge is key to healing & recovery. The more you know, the better equipped you are to make informed decisions for yourself.
"I am so lost", "I doubt myself", "I am confused" - ALL NORMAL! You have been programmed to feel lost, doubt yourself, be confused, hate yourself. It's all part of the game of abuse - abusers will beat your spirit down so that you will be easier to control. Threatening to leave is a common threat - again to control you.
What keeps you there? LOTS of things but mostly fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of losing everything - you name it, we all have had to face many fears to have peace again in our lives.
You are smart & strong. More than you currently give yourself credit for! Come back again - lots of info & advice here! WE CARE! God Bless - LS >^.^< |
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