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Messages By: lsforls
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July 20, 2009, 5:09 am PDT
 Finding time to post is difficult these days. I have lots to keep me busy - all good. I have my Avon, my hair, & now my jewelry business - small but doing OK. Hey, it all comes together & the bills get paid!!! I am DELERIOUSLY happy with my COMPLETELY WONDERFUL man & he is just as happy with me! It's heaven!
ANYWAY, I wanted to say that it's SO not easy to accept things AS THEY ARE but there is NO other choice unless you want to spend the rest of your life pretending & making excuses.
We have SO MANY hopes & dreams & it's not easy to let go of them. We marry our wonderful Dr. Jeckle & make excuses for the Mr. Hyde that IS PART OF THEM - just a part that we ignore, make excuses for, think we can change, pretend doesn't exist, etc.
IT IS WHAT IT IS! The sky is blue, water is wet, there is no Santa Claus & there is NO changing them. SEE the truth - SEE what they are/WHO they are! If you can live with that, OK. If not, DO NOT expect them to change! DO NOT think YOU are the one that will be SO important to them that they will change for you. NO ONE IS THAT IMPORTANT TO THEM & never will be. PERIOD.
SOMETHING is missing in you as a victim. We STARVE for the "perfect" side of these guys. We just can't ignore that there is also another side. As hard as it is, IT'S THERE - IT DOESN'T GO AWAY - IT DOESN'T CHANGE. As hard as it is - you either live with it (& stop complaining) or leave. Complaining gives you something to do but doesn't get you ANYWHERE!
UNDERSTANDING is key - KNOWLEDGE is key. Victims get caught up in the game & don't even realize it's a game! Learning what is missing inside of YOU will help put everything in perspective. FORGET ABOUT THEM - they are a lost cause. Nothing you can do about them. YOU are the only thing that you have control over & YOU are the only thing you can change. You may complain all you want about a rainy day but it WILL RAIN till it's done - nothing you can do about that. The only controll you have is over yourself. You MUST realize these guys are DAMAGED. You can't change that. It's AMAZING how great they can be & we love them so much when they are great but this darker side is ever present & part of them. A part that will never go away & can't be ignored. IT'S JUST WHO THEY ARE. Want Mr. Wonderful? FIND ANOTHER MATE! This one's not him & all the fussing in the world won't make him anything other than who he is!!!
What's left?
YOU.
Learn all you can about abuse, learn the game, learn WHY they do what they do, learn why YOU do what you do. It's ALL learned behavior but you can change that for yourself - not for your abuser, mind you, but only YOURSELF! Letting go is NOT EASY. Admitting defeat is not easy. Change your attitude. Change the way you look at things. You are not defeated! YOU ARE WINNING! SURE you have to give up on the hopes & dreams you had for this relationship but they were all built on shifting sand & were doomed from the start. The hard part is REALIZING that.
Say you have a large, gaping hole in the bottom of your boat. It's sinking whether you admit it or not - whether you accept it or not. Making excuses, minimizing, ignoring, putting up & shutting up is merely bailing out the water that will keep coming in no matter what you do! JUMP SHIP & get another one - this one is sinking! You'll lose your hopes & dreams - MAKE NEW ONES! You'll lose the love of your life - REALLY, IS THIS THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE? AN UNSTABLE, ABUSIVE PERSON? Is THAT what you call the love of your life? Someone that puts you down constantly, maybe is alcoholic, maybe a cheater, maybe beats you, NEVER supports you or cares one little bit about your feelings, (shall I go on!!!). You'll lose your house - GET ANOTHER. You'll break up the family - IT'S ALREADY BROKEN & it wasn't YOU that broke it. You don't want to be a failure - The only failure here is giving up your life to the uncertain, dark future you have with this person & the failure to be the person GOD MEANT YOU TO BE. Do you really think that you were meant to be a slave to abuse, misery, & sadness?
There are no exceptions to the abuse game. You aren't so different. Your situation isn't so unique. Don't give me "you don't understand". I DO! I'VE BEEN THERE!
"If you don't heal the wounds of the past, you will continue to bleed"
Your ONLY chance at any kind of peace & happiness is to heal YOU. Heal the wounds of the past. Heal what's been broken inside of you - what's missing inside of you. FIND the person deep down inside of you that's been locked away for too long. It's your only hope! Once you do, the choices are simple. HARD, but simple. It gets easier. Realizing, seeing, accepting, learning, healing - that's the hard part. Your path becomes clear after that. All you have to do is follow it. If you don't find peace & happiness on that road, then you haven't completed working on yourself - your healing. Start over. Find your strength - I guarantee you it's there - & start over again learning & healing - finding the inner YOU that has been oppressed too long.
Facts are facts & there are no other choices if you truly want to have a normal life, a happy life, a life filled with peace, joy, & love. There is no other way. There are no other options. Like it or not, it is what it is. You may not be able to change the color of the sky but you CAN change your life for the better if you want to. So GET UP OFF YOUR BUTT & DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!! Don't delay too long - your very life is slipping away from you. You only get this one chance at life - MAKE IT COUNT! YOU hold the key to your future - never forget that!!!
God Bless - LS >^.^< |
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July 20, 2009, 8:54 am PDT
Quote From: smilesagain Dont let this get you down-it is what they are master at. We try to see the best in them and we listen to their words but really they use their words as weapons to hurt, manipulate and control. Strip away all the "noise" and the expectations everyone has for you, everyone! and what is left? Block everything out and what do YOU want? What is YOUR heart telling you? And is it possible? For so long I wanted him to change and I kept making excuses for him. Now after living years of hurt and pain I realize that his words mean nothing. You have been so busy taking care of everyone else but you have forgotten to take care of yourself. It happened to me and now that I asked myself what is MY JOY-my children, what is my pain-H. Its to bad we cant just waive the wand and "poof" things are better, but I believe it takes more energy to stay living like thisthan it takes to get out. Since Ive said I wanted to split up his moods are as unpredictable as before. He tried his threats which use to make me stay, put me down to Buying me gifts and leaving notes. He Keeps trying to get me to commit that I will try to work it out again. To follow through with separating this is my emotional plan: #1. What Do I want deep down in my core? Happiness #2. I am not responsible for his feelings-he has to deal with his feelings as I have my own emotions about this to. He will not guilt me with his "emotions". So I'm just gonna deal with me!! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR HIS FEELINGS-THEY ARE HIS!!! dont let him guilt you #3.When I think about trying again, I think about how empty I feel about this him. I blame my low self image, low self worth on him. Why allow him to touch me, hug me and act like things are fine. I have been doing this for a while to "keep the peace" until I was ready and Its degrading. I vision the fake act and it makes my stomach sick. We have to be TRUE to ourselves.. #4.I think of all the comments and inconsiderate selfish behaviors/words he has said to me over the years and think OK this is acceptable in his world-how can I hurt his feelings if he thinks its acceptable to do this. SO I tell him everything, EVERYTHING I think about him and how he has treated us, his family. I would never imagined I would say some of the stuff I did to him-I dont like hurting people. Im calm when I say it. #5. Faith! So everytime he throws a curve ball I think of these for and it keeps me focused.
Its hard because of course he twists words around and it always comes back on me so I now make statements. When he trys to "cross examine" our conversations I say "Not going there" and then repeat the statement.. Not up for discussion. I treat him like Im disciplining a 3or4 year old-Maybe my mistake is that I didnt treat him like that from the start..lol The worst thing Ive experienced since I figured out my 5 "live by list" is that when he started crying and playing with the kids emotions my oldest is angry with me- So of course I thought I can fix this by staying in this marriage but then I thought of #5 Faith. I have to trust that some time he will realize that I made this choice as I thought it was the right choice, for US. I feel very cold towards him and sad at the same time. Dont Be hard on yourself-You are incredible, just listen and be true to yourself. Take care of you physically and emotionally. Your child needs you to be strong. You know your not living the life you intended-you just need to have patience but Dont second guess yourself and DON'T stop believing in your self.
Something in your post caught my eye -
I have to trust that some time he will realize that I made this choice as I thought it was the right choice, for US.
DO NOT hold your breath! DO NOT expect normal behavior or feelings from someone who is not normal. THEY ARE WHAT THEY ARE. Would you trust that sometime a shark would feel guilty about biting your arm off? THEY ARE WHAT THEY ARE. LET IT GO. Abusers are damaged souls & it's NOT YOUR PLACE & beyond your capabilities to fix them. GOD is their only hope to heal - sad but true. All you can do is let go & let God - then take care of YOU. You are all you have in the end.
I like that you make statements instead of arguing a point. You absolutely CANNOT get anywhere arguing anyway - it's hopeless. Standing up for yourself with statements is good for your self-esteem & makes boundaries clear. Arguing only brings you down to his level & you then play HIS game on HIS terms with HIS rules. You can't reason with him - he is unreasonable. There simply is no dealing with him on any normal terms. All you'll end up doing is banging your head against a brick wall till you figure that out. LET IT GO. Focus on you, concentrate on you, HEAL YOU. The rest of the world & all the people in it will have to take care of itself! It IS quite capable, you know, whether or not any healing ever takes place! The important thing is that you are taking care of the ONLY thing you DO have control of - YOU!!! And if you don't take care of you, who will? God Bless - LS >^.^< |
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