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November 9, 2005, 7:20 pm PST

CAVE IN A LOT!

Quote From: k4denner

Ok I guess it’s everyone’s first time at least once. I’m writing here because I have run out of people to talk to. It seems the only friends I have left are my wife’s friends, not sure if that was planned but after 11 years I don’t go out with the boys, stay out late or any of that. I never did. But she still has the girls night out every now and then because she works harder than anyone. I guess the abuse was always there, just got worse over the years. I just need to know and hear from another person that I’m just not being a big baby about the things she says or does. Like when we have an argument there all my fault because I don’t have the brain power to understand the problem. She has said, to my face, that she is better than me and wonders why she ever agreed to marry me. OUCH. Then we go into the loser, stupid, poor me, idiot kind of comments when I tell her things she does that bother me. And it never stops it seems like the same argument over and over again. And it always ends the same way with her threatening me with divorce if I don’t say I’m sorry. But lately she has been adding the part about me never seeing our two kids, that kinda struck a nerve. I just don’t know what to do anymore because if I do give in and say I’m sorry she replies with there just words they don’t mean anything. I have thought about leaving but I don’t want to give up seeing my kids every night. Any ideas on how to make it work with some one who is a my way or the highway attitude.

That's the only way to make it work with a my way or the highway person! BUT WHO WANTS THAT! That's not living! Sounds like you are living with the typical abuser - master manipulator & controller. Yes, you are verbally abused alright! Name calling. You are not being a big baby, you are recognizing some red flags that aren't sitting well with your instincts. That's a good thing. Your instincts are just fine. Listen to them often!

Have you tried to set some boundaries on what is or is not acceptable? You don't HAVE to argue. You can walk away, leave the room, leave the house. AND don't fight in front of the kids - it changes who they are forever!

Abuse does get worse over time. It's progressive. Once you start standing up for yourself, things WILL escalate. You need to be strong for yourself & stand up for yourself. Don't need to do it in a mean way but you SHOULD do it in a firm but calm way!

Have you tried marriage councelling? If she doesn't want to go, how about you go for yourself? You need to learn all you can about abuse so that you will be able to recognize ALL the red flags & stop playing the game. To quote Q here on the boards - when you stop playing the game, the game stops.

Come back again - we care! God Bless - LS >^.^<

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lsforls

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November 10, 2005, 8:49 am PST

Hey Mack!

Quote From: mackersmom

Thank you to all who have listened to me whine & complain.
I know when the time is right, I'll do what needs to be done. I know I am getting stronger and voicing my opinions more and he looks at me like I am some stranger. Get used to it baby! Mama's finding her groove... LOL Of course I say that today... who knows what tomorrow might bring!

Whine & complain all you want - we call it venting! You need to get things off your chest & you need help along your road to recovery - it's OK! It's also OK to have a few set-backs along the way. It's OK to take two steps forward & one step back - your still moving in the right direction! No one here says this is easy! Just keep working on yourself - gaining self-esteem, inner strength, pride in yourself & your accomplishments no matter how small they may be.........it's all good. I noticed with myself that once I started gaining in these areas, I was like a freight train going downhill without brakes! - UNSTOPPABLE! Was I scared? YOU BET! But I kept going & going like the energizer bunny till I got to where I wanted to be. Make decisions one at a time, don't look TOO far ahead but do have a plan for your future. Set down some good plans for yourself & you'll be less stressed about that "unknown". Things WILL come up along the way but don't be afraid. YOU ARE STRONG & CAN handle whatever may come your way. Don't try to take on everything on all at once, you'll feel overwhelmed.

You are IN your groove, baby!!! You just have to get used to the new surroundings! About tomorrow? Hey you will be even stronger by then!!!!!!! Don't fret about it! If you have a bad day, OK, relax & the next day will be better. Everyone has ups & downs - it's normal. No need to stress out about it & make yourself feel worse. Give yourself the "day off" & pamper yourself a little more for that day. You'll be back to being a freight train yourself again in no time finding the YOU that was lost long ago!!! Hang in there!!! God Bless - LS >^.^<

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lsforls

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November 10, 2005, 6:35 pm PST

Welcome!

Quote From: unamiga

Hi everyone. Stumbled across this board and had to join. read so much, and seem to relate to so much. My husband is not a drunk, nor an drug addict he is a control freak. His method of abusing is using the punishment method. if I deserve sex I get sex, his kind, like a soap opera. Just when it gets interesting hes finished. then of course there is the I am going on a business trip. Since you are taking care of the girls you dont need to go although the otherwives are going and we will be going out for some fun. Or the one that really gets me cooking standing in anyplace public. Friend, colleague or any associate comes up to say hello and he can talk a storm up while I am waiting to be introduced. I use to introduce myself but now I just walk away. Yes there are many other "little " things to point out but it all boils down to no respect, no trust, no loyaltyt no sex, no money and no communication. After reading posts and articles I have found the courage to ask him to leave Its now my life and I am ready to learn how to take back my life

BRAVO to you for taking your life back in your own hands! It's not easy & we all could write a book or two with all that we've gone through! You are getting stronger - good! Learning all you can about abuse will help you to recover & heal. There was a good post back on November 4 from ggghhh with a list of web sites to visit for information about the game of abuse. It's a cycle that goes round & round until SOMEONE stops playing the game & that's more likely to be the victim than the abuser. Abusers rarely if ever heal. That's largely due to the fact that they blame everyone else for things that are going wrong in their relationships. Stick around - much to be learned & lots of info/support here! God Bless - LS >^.^<

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lsforls

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November 10, 2005, 6:45 pm PST

Hey Cocoa!

Quote From: cocoamomma

Why do I let him get to me??? Actually, the list is almost double 80 people b/c most are listes as Mr & Mrs. I am friendly and friends with a lot of the people on the list-except his co-workers whom I've never met! I thought things were bad that I filed for divorce, boy have I really made a mess...I just want to retreat into a black hole and fade away

Sorry you're so stressed but don't give up!!! We all know this isn't easy but it's SO worth it in the end!

He gets to you because he is still pushing your buttons. You really need to disconnect them all!!! Learn all you can about abuse. Once you see the game for what it is, nothing is the same. Those buttons won't work anymore!

It's not you that made a mess. You were simply a woman in love with her man & wanted to please him & be all that he wanted. Not a thing wrong with that unless you lose yourself in the process. That's what happens with victims. We stop being who we are & twist ourselves up into pretzels to please someone that simply cannot be pleased! We try SO hard - always hoping things will be different this time, that he will keep his promises this time, that he will change!

Stay strong! You'll get through this! Don't fade away but DO give yourself a little down time - a bubble bath, a movie, just something to help you to re-charge yourself. This is your life you're fighting for! Don't give up!!! Never give up!!! You've lost enough, don't lose anymore!!!! Time to take back your power & take back your life! This is a game you can't afford to lose! God Bless - LS >^,^<

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lsforls

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November 10, 2005, 7:06 pm PST

Welcome addacat!

Quote From: addacat

My daughter has been in an abusive situation for 7 years. It has escalated to physical violence against her twice. The other times that she has told me about, have been physical violence in the form of breaking things, punching holes in walls and breaking windows.

Several weeks ago it happened again. This time while they were on vacation 150 miles away from home, we live in the same town. She called in the middle of the night he had left and said he was returning home. Leaving her there with no car. I convinced her to call security and the police. My husband went and picked her up. The next day she returned to their apartment. They have begun couples therapy. He went on zoloft 2 years ago and now this therapist is saying he is bipolar and needs stronger drugs.

That is the short version of the story. There is much more as it has been an ongoing thing for at least the past 4 years. She went into the relationship with a car and a little money. She now has no car, does not leave her apartment except with him, no money and no self esteem. Her boyfriend has a little boy who is going to be a mess but she has no rights to the little boy since they never married. They have a business together but he likes to play video games instead of go to work, so they are always just barely ahead of the bills.

Here's my problem, I have tried to be there and be as non- judgemental as I possible, I have not been perfect at it, but I realize it is her decision. I can no longer even pretend to like this man although I am not angry with him and have said nothing bad to him. When my daughter went home I started calling her each day and we probably talk too long. (We have always been big talkers) But I am getting more and more confused about how to handle this. If my daughter decides to stay with him, which is her right to choose, I am not going to be able to pretend that I like him or even want to be around him. If she leaves do we help or just leave her alone. She admits that she sends secret messages when she wants something. I would love to see her change that and be able to ask directly for what she needs, but I'm not sure now is the time to insist on that change. I get panicked when I can't reach my daughter because I am afraid that he is going to hurt her badly inspite of the fact that she doesn't. I need to know what to do to take care of myself but also not to ruin the relationship I have with my daughter. I want to be there for her but not at the expense of myself and my husband. She is very sensitive and has always felt that we give her too much, although I don't think that. We have LENT them money when they needed it. We pay for a vacation once a year for them and pay for them to have cell phones. The cell phones and the vacation have always been their Christmas presents.

As with any situation there is much more here but any advice would be appreciated.

I know it's SO painful to watch someone you love so much being treated so badly!!! You can support her - she'll need that! You can advise her too but the decision to heal or recover MUST come from her! You can learn about abuse yourself so you can be a better adviser. Let her know that you are afraid for her, that you care deeply & will be there for her whenever she may need you! Tell her that abuse is progressive - statistics show that domestic violence only gets worse & will occur more often over time. Help her to understand that NONE of it is her fault & she does NOT deserve to be abused! No one does!

No doubt her self-esteem has been severely damaged as a result of the abuse she has been subjected to. She needs all the support you can give her but don't flood her with too much advise. You don't want to push her away. She must be made to see that she is in danger but pushing her too hard may not be the best way! All you can do is suggest - suggest counceling (for her alone as well as for couples), suggest this web site, suggest a VERY good book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. You are planting seeds that hopefully will grow & bloom into some "light bulb" moments for her.

Hope she sees the light & realizes that she deserves to be treated with dignity & respect - it's a God-given right! Good Luck & God Bless! LS >^.^<

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lsforls

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November 11, 2005, 1:53 pm PST

BEST WISHES Q!!!!!!!

Quote From: qqqhhh

I've been having all sorts of -- don't know if I can call them troubles.

I'm 46 and I found out a couple of weeks ago that I am pregnant. Yep, methusalah is preggers! As much as I would love to have one, I need another kid like I need whole in the head. When my youngest was born, he's 6 now, we tried to have more children but I miscarried twice.

Well, I'm spotting -- my doc has turned me into a pin cushion with all the blood tests. My ultrasounds are not showing a viable pregnancy or it's ectopic-- we think-- but my hCG levels are going UP. So who knows?!? I have another ultrasound on Monday. Anyway I am preparing for things to not go well. Grief comes and goes.

So needless to say I've kind of been a WRECK.

Plus I fell down a whole flight of frickin' stairs! -- scared my hubby to death! Bruises, carpet burns and bump on the head -- ouch! He's been wonderful throughout this whole ordeal! Gosh I am a lucky woman!

A grateful WRECK anyway! Heh.

But I will be getting the garden ready for winter this weekend... that's a chore I'll love doing! Plus we are taking our 6yo to a play tonight -- Robin Hood. That'll be a nice getaway. The older boys are with the Ex this weekend.

You know I have NOT noticed that the women in the abuse segments used to post here. Maybe I missed that. Really?!? How interesting! But I have appreciated these shows. I've been interested to hear the Doc's take on it all.

I agree -- BRAVO to the Doc for shows about abuse!! BRAVO!

So if I'm not around quite as much -- for a bit -- at least you'll know why. But I'll turn back up -- don't you worry -- I'm not going anywhere. I've only just now been up to posting.

I've missed you too! More than you know! It's been so nice having you back! Q

What to say!!!!! I'm sorry seems to be so insignificant at a time like this! CERTAINLY you will be in my prayers. I know you are strong. I know you will be OK. I have never had a miscarriage but my daughters have (2 different daughters). I know how heartbreaking it can be. Now you are forced to question the viability of yet another pregnancy. We know it's in God's hands & He knows what's best. Hold on to that. He will give you the strength you need to see this through whatever the outcome is. The hardest part will be between now & that ultrasound on Monday. Stay positive! Most of all - DO take good care of yourself!

I'm SO glad your husband is being so great for you! Did you pick a prince or what!

I spotted & was doubled over in pain with my last daughter at 3 months pregnant. She turned out perfect! She is my angel, my special gift from God! Where there's life, there's hope! All things are possible!!!!! God Bless - LS >^.^<

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lsforls

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November 16, 2005, 12:22 pm PST

Welcome to the boards!

Quote From: cdh1959

This is my first message. I am 46 years old and finally left my abusive husband this past Monday. My story is VERY long so I will condense it. We married January 30, 2004. Infidelity started prior to marriage. Abuse started in February, 2004. I filed for divorce December 1, 2004. Divorce is finally set for November 28, 2005. We have been separated in the same house for several months. My husband physically & sexually assualted me this past Monday morning. I was trying to ride out the storm until the divorce was final because we lived in TN and my family lives in GA. I am now in GA. He calls me day and night and is now threatening my Daughter & Son-in law who live in TN, my Mother and my Church in GA. He also caused me to fracture my ankle last Thursday morning. He is trying to stop the divorce. I have waited so long. I DO NOT want to go back to him but his threats really scare me because he is definitely CRAZY enough to follow through with them. He will stop at nothing to get his way. He has caused me to lose my job which in turn caused me to lose my apartment, my car, my cell phone.......EVERYTHING! The car that I drive now is his. The cell phone I use is his. He now feels he has complete control. My family is not aware of the threats. I am at my wits end and feel I am not capable of making a rational decision anymore. I appreciate any advice.

First let me say BRAVO to you for leaving! We all know how hard it is!!! GOOD FOR YOU!!!

My opinion is that you should tell your family. Especially if they are being threatened! I would also seek a restraining order against him & advise your daughter/son-in-law in TN to do the same! Everyone's safety is of the utmost importance! You also need all the support you can get from your family & friends at this time. Does your lawyer know of the assault & the threats? If not, tell him/her. WHAT HE DID TO YOU IS A CRIME!!! There ARE consequences!!! It is also against the law to be making threats agains people & a church as well. He could/should be arrested for the assault & could possibly be charged with making terroristic threats!!

WHATEVER YOU DO - DO NOT GO BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I'm sure you know, you need a plan for your future - job, place to live, etc. Once you have the necessities taken care of & you are safe - LEARN, LEARN, LEARN! Learn all you can about abuse & controlling people. The more you know, the more empowered you will be & you will be better equipped to move on to a better future & never have a repeat!!! Some web sites to visit -

www.Drirene.com

www.ndvh.org

www.ncvc.org

www.ncdsv.org

www.ncadv.org

There are lots of good books on the subject too. Your local library will have many of them. One of the best is "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. I'm sure others will post even more info for you.

Come back here again! There are lots of people going through or have gone through the same things that you are going through & loads of advice & support/help! WE CARE because YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!!!!! God Bless - LS >^.^<

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lsforls

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November 16, 2005, 12:23 pm PST

POOR DOGGIE!!!!!!!!!!!

Quote From: scaredicat

got on the board in my old acct works for me

it did allow me to change the pic so i wanted to post just to see

if i did it right lol

so i guess that's good Hope everyone finds themselves

with the courage of the day Take care and god bless

"charmed"

If this isn't abuse to an animal, I don't know what is!!!!!!!!!!

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lsforls

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November 16, 2005, 12:28 pm PST

Hey Dee!

Quote From: myrtledee

I finaly figured it out, why he asked me to leave. I was going to get the truck back this week and I had been calling to get my son in pre-school and I talked to my old boss and was going to get my old job back ( he didn't know this ). He was going to lose control. I'm thankful I was able to get my pictures and some of my personal things, I told me to toss the rest I didn't need it. My friends tell me he thinks I'll be back thats why he made it easy, but this time I'm done. I realilze I have to work on me, not on the relationship. I just can't believe this has happened so fast, my head hurts.

Sounds to me like YOU are IN control!!! Things may be hectic for now but they will settle down & your headache will go away too!!!

CONGRATS to you - you are safe now & can concentrate on healing. PEACE IS ON THE WAY!!!! It will get easier - one day at a time!! Hang in there! God Bless - LS >^.^<

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lsforls

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November 16, 2005, 12:36 pm PST

Hi inabubble!

Quote From: inabubble

We were married and built/purchased the house together. We still have the mortgage for $240K in both our names. He had changed the locks five plus times when finally I told him I was leaving the stress and abuse and going to Mass to take care of my family and work. He threatened my life and I left in the middle of the night with the clothes on my back. When I came back in the morning to get my things he had removed every trace of me and changed the locks again. The police came (Florida) and told me to get an attorney because the judge would not like what he had done to me. No clothes, no money, nothing. I have tried getting an attorney but I really had nothing and was struggling just to eat every three days and had just the clothes on my back to go to work every day. Should I file for divorce on my own he has an attorney and our home, my pictures of my kids/family, everything. Slowly he brought back my piano and furniture and my key does work to our home. I just know he has a gun and has threatened to kill me. He says I am not entitled to anything. Thanks.

YES - file for divorce as soon as you can. Get a restraining order against him to keep him away from you!!! Don't know all the laws in all states but you should be entitled to half of everything whether he likes it or not. You could be eligible for support too. The sooner you talk to a lawyer about YOUR rights, the better. Shop around. There ARE some good lawyers out there that are not all about the money. Lots have a "first consultation free" policy. Ask for their fees up front. You can even get lots of advice from shopping around.

Did you know it is against the law for him to change the locks if your name is on the title to the house? You don't know what you don't know! A lawyer is a must!

Come back again. I'm sure there will be others with more information for you as well. Take good care of yourself! YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! God Bless - LS >^.^<

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Messages By: lsforls

CAVE IN A LOT!

Hey Mack!

Welcome!

Hey Cocoa!

Welcome addacat!

BEST WISHES Q!!!!!!!

Welcome to the boards!

POOR DOGGIE!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey Dee!

Hi inabubble!