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Messages By: mebrn5619

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July 23, 2005, 8:43 am CDT

Use Common Sense

i have been divorced for almost a year and being single sucks. I'm not exactly looking for a husband again, at least not any time soon. but i would love to find someone to just go out with and have fun. i have thought about trying the on-line dating thing, i even have friends who have met on line. but i am completely terrified that I'll end up with some freak that ends up being nothing but a pervert.
Rather than being afraid of online dating try just thinking of it as another avenue.  You still have to use the same common sense and intuition you would in any other way to meet people. It actually can be a good way to get as much information as you think you need to feel comfortable before you see someone in person.   That is if you use the services that provide confidentiality rather than just trying to talk to people in chat rooms. Good luck.
 
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October 5, 2005, 10:36 am CDT

New Message Board Topic?

  I'm curious to know if anyone else who reads this topic would be interested in seeing new topics that address dating issues of different age groups of people such as 20's 30's 40's etc of under  and over 40.  I know I would. 
 
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October 9, 2005, 8:40 am CDT

Online Dating

Quote From: golden1

     I see so many ads for on-line dating services--how safe are they? I mean, how do you know you're getting the real article, and not just someone looking for a sucker--or a victim? Parents warn their kids about on-line predators; what protection do single adults have? Sorry, don't mean to sound like a doom-sayer.
This has been said many times and many ways. On line dating is just one more way of meeting someone.  You have to use the same common sense and intuition you would with meeting someone at the gym, grocery store etc.  The old adage "too good to be true" holds too. If someone is Too Perfect  be careful.  You can communicate on line as long as it take to feels  secure in taking it to another level but again go slow until you can verify that your initial impressions are still valid. Getting to know someone takes some risk but that doesn't mean you don't ask questions and be willing to walk away if you don't get the answers you  are looking for or are consistent.
 
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October 20, 2005, 8:45 am CDT

Congratulations

Quote From: sueellis35

I am a 35 year old single mom.  I have tried the internet thing.  I attend church regularly and have a ton of friends.  I have decided to stay single.  The reason for my decision is because I can not find any "real" men out there.  Everyone I have run into whether it be in my church or on the internet is fake and not true to who they are.  They will tell me what they beleive I want to hear.  Being a Christian they will pray with me, quote scripture to me, tell me how much they would love to be a father to my son, and then turn out to be totally lying.  It will turn out they are not commited to God.  They are more interested in sex than anything else.  They are using my son to get me to fall more for them.  They have turned out to be married, say they have a job when in fact they are not working, say they have their own place when in fact they still live at home with their parents, etc.   

I have seen posts on here regarding women that do not tell the truth.  Well, I for one am not one of those.  I am upfront that I am a Christian.  I am upfront that I will  not have sex until marriage.  I am upfront that although I am not looking for a millionaire, I am looking for someone that is financially stable and can at least take care of themselves and live on their own.  I take care of me and my son, I just don't want the responsibility of having to financially take care of someone else.  I am tired of being single, but I am not wiling to throw out all of my morals and values in order to be in a relationship.  Most of my friends and all my family are married.  I often feel like a third wheel at family functions and when around my married friends because they can talk about their spouses, their sex lives, and other marital things that I can't.   But, I have now chosen to stay single rather than settle for someone in my life that is going to lie to me in the beginning about who they truly are.  I am not doing the internet thing anymore,  I do not go to bars,  and my friends that are single....We get together and hang out with our children, and have a wonderful time. 

I found your message very affirming.I do not say that because I feel exactly as you do but because you sound as though you have put so much thought into your position and are willing to stand by what you feel is right for you and your son.  Not everyone is willing to be that mature about such matters. I also put my faith first on my priority list. Because of this I have come to believe that everyone we meet in this life is put in our path to teach us something. Some of us need a few more lessons than others I guess. I know I have at times.  I also believe God has a plan for each of us and if we are willing to try to see what it is He will make sure we learn it eventually.  I also believe that although He has given us a free will to make the right decisions there are times we need to do "nothing" and let Him guide us. That may be the stage you are at now if you have decided not to actively seek out someone.  If it is Divine intervention that you be in a committed relationship I believe that will be shown to you at the appropriate time.  Then the things you have found lacking in these other people will stand out in stark contrast to this right person.  You also seem to have realized that there is much to love about this life outside of a male female relationship.  I have made it my life goal "To Live Well"  however that may be. 
 
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October 21, 2005, 11:53 am CDT

Advice from Dr. Phil?

Quote From: torijean34

I'm a single woman by choice however I still long for the meaningful relationship every woman wants. THE ONE! I have numerous dates and numerous interested guys that want an actual relationship, however I find myself finding something wrong with them. Looking at myself I'm a hard worker with a great job I love my independence I don't think there's a person in this world I would call a stranger. I'm a very open and warm hearted individual. In this life I want a mate with the same traits and found a few but they somehow don't measure up to all aspects. Is 3 out of 4 a good thing...Should I settle....Or the golden question should I hold out for that one that sweeps me off my feet. But when is the sweeping going to start? That leaves me with this: Is there something wrong with me?
When I read your message it reminded me of something Dr. Phil told a guest on his show this week. It was the show about people who are convinced they are right about something. It was the 30 year old man who was holding out for his perfect soul mate.  Dr. Phil said if you can find someone who fits 80% of what your are looking for and there are no deal breakers that is pretty good and you can grow to love the other 20%.  I think he was trying to get the guest to realize that if he holds out for the perfect match he may never find her and may have passed up being with someone who he could have loved. He has also said recently that we really don't want people exactly like us.  That would be pretty boring. This may just give you a little different way of looking at some of the people you meet. 
 
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November 7, 2005, 7:02 am CST

Tired of Being Single

Quote From: schrecken

 I totally agree that you cannot depend on others (i.e. a love relationship) for happiness....to do so is folly.   Whether it's your faith (I also have faith in Christ and believe that if and when the time is right, and the Lord willing, I will find a good man to marry.  However,  there's no point sitting around griping about what we do not have at the moment.   If you need food, water or shelter then you HAVE to get up and get moving, doing whatever is necessary to procure such life necessities. 

I am 35, will be 36 this spring, and have been utterly single all of my life....only a few first dates under my belt (and maybe a second here and there - after that either I would never see the man again or we'd just be buddies).  I've never held hands with a man (unless you could count the time that one guy asked me to hold onto his hand so we could forge a path thru a huge crowd at Disneyland....), never kissed, made out, nothing - and naturally no sex of any kind.  I probably have less hands-on experience than the average 10 year old.....sigh.....

I am a sex abuse survivor (my abuser was female and what was done to me was, in her mind, a necessary 'medical treatment" but it really ruined my life in many ways) and due to that and other things I went thru the "weight shield" thing too.....I lost the pounds and kept most of it off (until very recently after my father died and I have had to take on a whole new world of responsibily and stress) but men never seem to have any interest in me, except for a few who were looking only for booty...

As per my Christian belief I don't believe in sex before marriage, yet  it isn't much of a choice when one is never given any real opportunity.  It's like saying you don't believe in wearing pink but you live in a world where no stores anywhere carry clothing that color!  

But I guess what I have found is that I can no longer afford to give a rat's behind about  my marital/relationship status...I simply work with what I have and make every attempt to live my life to the fullest, alone or with a friend by my side.    Life gives you a lemon you make lemonade.....thing is every time I've tried to take the bull by the horns and ask a man out and woo him I get rejected and I crash and burn....my heart crumpled and scorched like a jumbo-jet crash - and it takes every bit as long to recover and get over the lost opportunity. 

At some point you just gotta make do with what life deals you ....I'm much happier that way (and it really helps that I take two types of medication known to suppress libido - I'm freeeeeee!!!!!!)
 I wanted to write because I saw a lot of myself in your post and I am at least a few years older than you are.  I have not been the victim of any of the kind of abuse that you have been but I also put strong barriers between myself and others especially men for many years and had myself convinced I was single because I preferred it that way. I still strongly believe being single is absolutely fine if you are absolutely sure it is what you want.  For me it was just another excuse to not try to figure out why I thought I could never be entitled to a relationship.  I also feel God was trying to show me another path for my life.  As I have taken incremental steps to deal with my insecurities it has had major positive effects in all aspects of my life, not just dealing with men.  I sincerely hope you find what is the absolute truth for you and are happy with that knowledge.
 
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November 10, 2005, 2:30 am CST

Take the pressure off yourself

Quote From: dulce81

I am a frustrated and depressed 23-year-old who has been single for over 3 years now and I am really tired of it. I never been in a serious relationship and the "relationships" I have been in were abusive and very much short-term. I honestly can say that I feel sorry for myself. I am a beautiful, sweet, caring and hard-working woman who feels that she deserves to be with someone who will treat her right. Most of my friends are either with someone or married with children. When people ask me "howcome you're still single?" I cringe and tell them that "I haven't met the right one yet" and they still look at me like there's something wrong with me. I just want to dig a hole and crawl in it since I'm so embarrassed about my love status. Even my own mother was telling me to hurry up and find someone so she can have some grandchildren before she dies. I almost feel like killing myself since there is so much pressure on me and every time I try to meet someone something goes wrong, either he stops calling me or he'll later on in the relaionship abuse me somehow.  

  

They say that the one will come when you stop looking or when you least expect it, but everyday I can't help but to think how and when he'll come around. I've tried the bars/clubs, church, on-campus organizations, online dating, etc. and I have no luck everywhere I go. I am very very close to giving up on dating and meeting the one. Please help me!! All of your advice is appreciated! 

Since you are looking for any advice I will try to give you just a little.  I want you to know you should not under any circumstances allow yourself to be pressured into having to have a relationship to satisfy your mother or to gain your friends approval.  These are absolutely the wrong reasons.  Only you can take that pressure off yourself.  You are WAY to young to feel that your life is over because you aren't half of a couple.  Since you have been in abusive relationships your self esteem has undoubtedly been scarred.  Take this time to heal yourself and really get to know who you really are and learn to be your own best friend.  It may seem as though you are wasting time but believe me it will be the best lessons you will ever learn.  It wil lead you to finding the RIGHT person.  I'm not sure if you happen to watch Oprah too since you are familiar with Dr. Phil but last week she did a show on women who  have let themselves go physically.  If you go to her website and read the message board postings you will have countless examples of women with the same issues you are having and I think their stories will bear out what I am saying. God bless and don't give up.   

 
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November 24, 2005, 8:56 am CST

My Perspective

Quote From: sarai39

 I am a 39 year old who has been hoping and praying for love for quite some time. Although I haven't found anyone worth keeping in my life I have tried a few different avenues and would like to hear from people that have had great success with the online dating which I would like to try. Although it's been tough finding someone at Equally Yoked, which I am a member of, at Elife activites and just hoping to bump into someone while I was out, I would like to try online line dating. Can anyone give me some advice as to what to say in my profile and what to expect if I should try the online dating? I haven't given up on love and I want to hear successful online dating adventures so that I can be excited for myself if that is something that I should decide to do.
I can give you my viewpoint of online dating from that of a 49 y/o woman who has not been married before.  I have been on eHarmony and match.com for about 2 years now and have really enjoyed the experience.  I have felt it has given me the opportunity to refine my idea of what I am really looking for in someone and the control to be able to consider a much greater number of people than I would ever have been able to do any other way.  I feel every security measure possible is built into the systems, short of still needing to use your own good judgement about how soon to give out any information that could identify your location before you feel ready.  Getting acquainted will always take an element of risk because people can misrepresent themselves but I have found I have been able to differentiate these people fairly easily.  I have chosen to meet 7 men in person over the course of the 2 years and they have all been as they portrayed themselves and perfect gentlemen.  One happened to be a member of my church.  I could have been sitting next to him  and never known he was in a similar situation to me without the use of the online service. As far as what to say try to be as honest about yourself as you can be.  It might be helpful to have a good friend review your profile before you post it. They should be able to help you see if it really represents who you are. My friends have been able to help me accentuate some of my better qualities better than I would have done.  Don't be afraid to leave anything out if it is important to you.  This will  help you avoid people who are not looking for something in particular.  I have chosen to only consider people who post a picture.  I feel this indicates that they are much less likely to misrepresent themselves if they know someone may recognize them.  Another bit of advice...Don't be afraid to be the first to show interest in someone but don't be discouraged if  you are told they are not interested or you do not hear from them at all.  In the beginning it is easy to take this personally but it is just part of the process. It is really better not to spend time and energy on these people. Just keep going and conduct yourself in a way that you are comfortable with and how you would want to be treated in return.  I feel online dating really opens up a whole new world of opportunities we would never have otherwise. My advice is  "Jump in and get your feet wet...the water's fine"  Good luck!
 
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February 4, 2006, 2:57 pm CST

Tired of Being Single

Quote From: itcmac06

I purchased, read & worked through Love Smart in the past 2 weeks. I am continually working on myself by learning, healing & growing. I learned some things about myself, but it was hugely helpful in the explanation of how men see things.  

I have been doing the online dating thing for just over a year. I have only met 3 people in person. I live in a very small community out in the boonies, which is why i opted to try the online thing.  

The one i am interested in, in the month we have known each other we have had 2 dates and spoke on the phone about 4 times.  I learned that i can appear to be neady & desperate, so am working on changing that. So i choose to look at this as that is pretty good in a months time rather than focusing on "when we will be able to see each other again".  

My question is i get awkward when it is time to say good bye, and am sure it has to do with the panic (when will we see each other again). I have grown a lot in the past few years and healed a 12 year relationship that ended badly because of alcoholism on his part.  I knew that i had abandonment issues from my childhood and my husband. I knew it was there but was ok with it. After i read Love Smart i feel ready to tackle this issue, i don't want it in my back pack that i carry around. Am looking for some specific ways to heal abandonment. 

Because of the healing i have done i have never walked in these shoes before (feels pretty good though) add to that that i have zero dating experience (not even one date in high school), have defined and set the intension of what i want, how do i handle this awkward feeling i have. Will he think it is him? Do i tell him what it is? I have pulled back, as i wanted to read the book, he definately ranks up there as a possibility of MR. 80%, there is only one thing that i need to ask more questions about, and it is not one of my deal breakers.  

Is some awkwardness normal?? How long does it last??  

I also feel like it would be a betrayal to keep looking or be open to dating other men, we have defined our relationship as friends, and we were both clear on it.. Again i have no experience so am i wrong on my thinking to only persue one person at a time?? Or is it ok??  

I really could use some helpful advice... 

Cindy  

Hi Cindy, 

  

I saw a lot of myself in your post so I thought I would try to give you some of my very limited advice here.  I really know what you mean about the awkwardness that comes at the end of a what I have seen as at least a seemingly successful encounter.  I'm always trying to read his reactions to see if he feels the same way or not. I usually end up putting too much significance on something he probably was totally unaware of anyway.  I'm always thinking ahead to if there will be a next time or not.  I am trying to learn to live in the present more and tell myself  "Hey I had a good time, I can only control my reactions to the situation, not his." No matter what, you can always learn something from every experience good or bad.  I think as women we have a  tendency to sabotage a lot of potential relationships by always asking  what's next rather than just enjoying the now.  I also try to tell myself something I learned from Oprah...If it's a good idea today it will be a good idea tomorrow.  Although I would never advocate being deceitful or dishonest I do think it is OK to try to portray a little more confidence even if you don't really feel confident, sort of like "Don't let them see you sweat  or Fake it till you make it".  I think this helps us see ourselves in situations we don't think we can see ourselves in. And of course like anything else that feels awkward the more you do it the easier it gets.  Hang in there,  I still am.   Mary Beth 

 
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March 4, 2006, 8:28 am CST

Believe!

Quote From: occaguy

OK, I’m ready to give up.  An honest, caring, genuine guy that respects a lady doesn’t have a chance. 

 

  

 

(BTW, my apologies for such a long post – hopefully you’ll find it worth reading.) 

 

  

 

I’m very frustrated with the “hunt” for a lady whom I might share the rest of my life with.  I am a 52 year old Christian man, with Biblical values about courting, dating and marriage.  I’m not religiously fanatical – I just feel that what was good and lasting in relationships of the time should work today.  I don’t drink or do drugs and never have (by choice)… so I don’t troll bars or nightclubs. 

 

  

 

The Singles group at church is no real option… it consists of a group of guys and a group of ladies, and they sit in their groups on opposite sides of the room.  They all are very happy to be single, and want nothing more that that from life.  The few times I went to a gathering, I was possibly the youngest there. 

 

  

 

I’m not interested in one-night-stands, shacking up, “try before you buy” or any of the other trendy ideas that cheapen a relationship.  The physical element of the relationship is supposed to come after commitment and marriage, not on a whim.  And, yes, I am a member of that “very small minority” in this country today – single, never married.  And absolutely straight, by the way.   

 

  

 

I do embrace some “modern concepts” – like respect and support of a woman’s abilities and career goals, and that marriage is built on an equal partnership rather than a man “dominating” his wife. 

 

  

 

I finally decided to try some select online sites, to see if my “special someone” was hiding online. 

 

  

 

It is commonly thought, I’ve read, that women feel that men only look at the pretty pictures when on these sites, and the lady could probably paste the Gettysburg Address in her intro and no one would notice.  These same women are the first to tout “honesty”, “integrity”, etc., to be most important to them. 

 

  

 

Well, here I am.  I read the profiles, and look for clues that would indicate a friendship potential that might develop into a lasting relationship.  I indicate interest, and am either ignored completely or passively.   

 

  

 

I asked a friend to look at my profile and tell me what he thought: his assessment was that it was a great picture, an honest and open introduction, and that I had no chance in the world of having any success in finding a mate. 

 

  

 

Why, you might ask?  It’s simple (and, apparently backed by research): I don’t look like Tom Selleck, don’t have a bank account of seven figures to match, and don’t take a romp in bed with someone at the drop of a hat.  (I sense a bit of hypocrisy from the ladies here…) 

 

  

 

As an aside – I have extensive computer knowledge and experience, and it would take me about 10 minutes to “touch up” my pic to look like just about anyone.  But that’s not really an example of “honesty and integrity”, is it? 

 

  

 

To be fair, I’ve had a couple of women interested in me, but, please, give me a break.  They fall into some pretty grim categories: ladies who are more than 10 years older than me (already had a great mom, thanks, not looking for another), ladies from far-away lands who want who-knows-what (their English is so bad I couldn’t begin to communicate with them, and I’m not inclined to finance moves to the U.S.) and those who outweigh me by a factor of three (I’m 165, trim, and active… but, let’s be practical: if a lady takes little pride in herself, how could she possibly care about another person?). 

 

  

 

I should emphasize that I am not without compassion for people’s challenges.  And, for the record, I’m not looking exclusively for some fashion-model-type.  I feel that it’s really what’s inside that makes a relationship – a connection of mind and heart. 

 

  

 

One “match” had great potential – it appeared we had much in common: very complementary in our professional lives, and great commonality in our ages and personal views.  I indicated interest, and I bet it only took her a second to see the photo and click that “not interested” button.   

 

  

 

I should note that there was a short period where I didn’t have a photo, and there was interest from a few ladies, but once the pic went online, they were gone with the wind. 

 

  

 

If anyone cared to learn about me, they’d find me very special in many ways: intelligent (formerly a Mensa member, but doesn’t waste time with math discussions), gifted in two unusual careers (and working for two highly visible and world famous organizations), and further talented artistically (with a passion for music and a gift for things like fine woodworking, photography and glass art) and practically (extensive abilities in home remodeling, computers and even car repair, as an example.)  They’d also find a loving, caring, sensitive guy who can turn off the world’s busyness and focus on someone who’s special in his life… that side of me loves a walk on the beach (my favorite is Waikiki, and taking photos at sunset there, but I’m tired of doing it alone), a romantic movie, a quality concert or maybe just a time for two people to sit and connect in mind and heart, and quietly rejoice in how blessed they are to be with one another.  Then, there are the parts that are almost always there: a positive spirit that tries to see the best in most any situation, can find humor in unexpected places, and lives a life primarily dominated by joy.  She’d also find that these tidbits are just scratching the surface of who I am.  But these are all things that are better learned one-on-one, not through cryptic emails or multiple-choice questions. 

 

  

 

My sadness at this failed experiment is two-fold: first, thanks to “Dr. Phil’s” possibly unreachable standards for a relationship, and the popularity of “Sex in the City”, most women in our midst will never find true, lasting happiness and true love, and will probably end their lives with many “notches in their belts”, and little else (witness the 50%+ divorce rate, the decline of marriage commitment, widespread and open promiscuity, STDs and the single-parent “families”).  Second, there are, I’m sure many like me who have so much to give, and will never be able to give it to anybody. 

 

  

 

I do truly understand that there are a bunch of outrageous creeps out there claiming to be “men” who have hurt a lot of women. Sadly, the opposite is also true.  I recognize that the situation has become so prevalent in our society that men and women both have to be careful and skeptical.  But, has the “wide brush” approach gotten to the point that too much of the best is lost along with the trash? 

 

  

 

I would ask that this post not be considered a “fairy tale” – any info I’ve given is completely true and honest – and verifiable. 

 

  

 

I suppose that if I had the chance, I’d offer to the ladies that are out there looking a small bit of wisdom: a tattered cardboard box may hold a priceless treasure chest – but you have to be interested enough to at least open the flaps.  Or, to put it another way: that fine, old, expensive wine that you really liked may have come in a less-than-attractive bottle. 

 

  

 

Hello Occa, 

  

Thank you for such an articulate, poignant message. The reason I titled this post Believe is that I wanted to let you know that women with the character traits you are looking for do exist, although I can believe they are as difficult to find as men of the same caliber.  In this day and age of anyone being able to be forgiven any transgression either great or small by simply turning on a few tears I find it disheartening to feel that the decision to be single rather than pursue a relationship at any cost is the new definition of social pariah. I happen to believe that there is nothing wrong with learning from past experiences whether of not they have resulted in negative outcomes. Please believe that there are women who truly respect and honor true character and they value such a person and themselves enough to continue the search until they find him.  Again the reason I say believe is that I want you to realize this as I did after reading your post.  

 

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