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Messages By: bonked

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July 23, 2005, 12:44 pm CDT

A wife who has never had a normal sex life...

Hi all, this is my first posting here. It seems as if everyone is talking about the "new" system and not the subject of this board, so I hope I'm not intruding! ;-) My wife and I have been married for over a year - second marriage for both of us. Our problem is that she's never had a normal sex life. According to her, it's never been about her, and she really doesn't know how to express herself. She's not used to the way I am, which is that I like to please her first and foremost. She seems to be okay with that for the most part, but she doesn't reciprocate 99% of the time. ((By the way, this system does stink - what's up with not being able to backspace??)) She feels inadequate and self-conscious and rather than just trying to break out of it, she does nothing, hence our problem. I sometimes feel as if she doesn't have any desire for me, but she vehemently denies that. But the fact remains that things are the way they are and I'm very unhappy with this area of our life. I'll readily admit that I am more focused on this problem because of my experience with my first wife where we just let issues like this go without truly working through it. I don't want this to haunt us throughout our marriage. I'm not a cheater and have zero desire to be with anyone else - that's kind of the problem. I find my wife extremely attractive and she turns me on 24/7, but I don't feel any of that - even a little bit - toward me. I'm in a loop where she only brings up our having "alone" time after I've complained out loud to her, so it gives me the feeling of her appeasing me. But it doesn't last. Not until I complain again, so you could see how that doesn't make me feel too good. Anyone else have this type of experience?
 
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July 24, 2005, 2:07 am CDT

Thanks

Welcome to the board. I've said the same problem with my husband on and off. My sex drive is just generally higher than his. And, as with you and your wife, we go through phases where I want it a lot and he doesn't want it at all and only gives in it seems to appease me. I've also invested way too much time and energy into feeling inadequate and unattractive. What has helped me is first to never allow myself to run that script in my mind again. I AM attractive. I AM worthy of his love and lust! When I feel the old insecurity setting in, I just stop in in its tracks. The more attractive I feel to myself, after all, the more attracted he feels to me. Second, I keep myself busy enough with work, kids, or personal projects that there's a little bit of distance he has to cross to get to me. In other words, I play a little hard to get. I've found that if I'm not all over him all the time begging for sex, if I act like I could take it or leave it, he's a lot more likely to feel the urge all on his own. I don't know if any of this will work for you since the tables are turned in your relationship, but I wish you luck.

Thanks for your reply. You have no idea how many women I've heard that are in my position. What's wrong with this picture? Why is it so strange that a husband is attracted to his wife? It's just unfortunate for me that my wife does not have the same affliction - that would kind of solve everything for us, huh?
 

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