Messages By: normalita

Good Morning all

I am not sure this post needs to go here.  But I really didn't find a catagory where this fits, so please bear with me.

I have a 24 year old son,  that I just don't know what to do with.  Since he was old enough to be on his own and make his own discissions, he has just been a mess.  He just barely graduated from High school.  He was in a resorce class and the teacher and I talked daily the last few weeks of school and I really feel the school gave him a pitty pass, just to get him out of thier school.  Every job he has had, he either gets fired or run off in some way, because he can't get along with other people.  Every car he has had (  which we make him buy, by the way) he has wrecked, his insurance is out of sight. (we are not helping him in any way with his messes)  The most rescent crisis is he dated a girl for almost 2 years and she had a little boy they he got very attached to.  Our son is working at becoming a fireman, but because of his habits, he did not graduate from fire school.  He didn't like the math teacher, so he stopped trying and that is all he is lacking in getting a paid fire job with a department in our town.  Over the summer he got a job running a fire crew on an engine.  He went through several helpers, just because he can't get along with anyone.  But, while he was gone, his girl friend who is a little unstable, got it in her head, that he had abandond her and she found another boyfriend.  Instead of waiting for him to come back and talk it out with him.  She called him on the phone  with a dear John message.  Our son has been just heart broken over this girl.  He won't leave her alone.  He keeps calling her and she tells him to get lost.  He takes her to lunch and she tells him to get lost.  So now with all this rejection, which he refuses to work at getting over it, he has a templer that will snap at  nothing.  He slams doors, kicks holes in the walls, swears a line of language that just burns your ears, it is just awful.  Then just today, my husband had him come and help us in our welding business.  He needs an extra hand for a couple of days.  I run the office.  My being here is too much of a distraction.  Our son thinks he has to stand in the office and talk to me about his sad little life.  Today one of our other employees, came and got him and told him, you need to get back to work.  Our son grabbed the office door and slammed it so hard  I had sheet rock chunks on my printer.

we have taken him to shrinks and he won't tell them the truth, so they can help him.  We have had him on medication and he won't take it, he says it doesn't work.  He also won't give it time to work either.  He thinks the first pill should cure all his problems.  We went to our daughters house for Thanksgiving and took him with us.  Thinking the distance from the girlfiriend would do him good.  It just made him madder.  He told me it pissed him off to watch my husband and I and our daughter and her husband all be together and have fun and he has nothing.  He sat and pouted the whole time.

I am at the end of my rope.  I don''t know how to help him.  Everything we do is wrong.  We have kicked him out of our house and made him go get an apartment.  That way, he has to keep a job so he can pay rent.  We have told him he can't come home.  Just the people he hangs out with are really scarry, so that is another reason we made him move out.  We told him we don't want his friends in our house.   We let him come over and do his laundry, But he just expects me to make him dinner. ( I don't jump to his commands)  So I need some help.  I don't want to alienate our son, but I can not take his extreme behavior either.  My husband is so mad at the kid, that he refuses to talk to him. EVery time they talk they end up fighting, because my husband is very straight forward and he will tell our son, just how he feels, and our son doesn't want to hear it, so they fight.  Now, when our son is at our house, my husband doesn't say a word.  He doesn't dare.  So what do we do?

I am writing today about a problem I am having with my son.  He is 24 years old.  He has such a fixation with a girl friend that it is ruining his life.  Let me explain.

When he met this girl she was sweet and shy and has a son that is now 6 years old.  My son got engaged to her very quickly.  Because she is a single mom, she quailified for a habitat for humanity house, so they moved in together.  My son is a fireman and he is trying to get hired with a paid department.  About a year ago he got a job in Arizona. ( we live in Montana)  So he packed up his things and went to Arizona.  The girl friend never did understand his obsession with the fire services. Jumping up in the night to go save someone from a car wreck, running off to a fire when the pager went off.  So when he went to AZ, she took it as he had abandond her.  Even tho' they had talked about all of it.  He even told her, let me go down and see how this is going to work and then you can come down.   She was such a mess over his leaving, that she called and whinned and cried until my son lost his PAID fire job.  So he came home.  When he got home, she stated harassing him about getting another fire job.  Having a fire job was not good enogh, but not having one wasn't good enough either.  So the opportunity presented it's self that he could go out on a wildland truck and be the engine boss.  So away he went again.    While he was gone, she found another boyfriend and called my son while he was on the fire and told him she has feelings for someone else. He was hundreds of miles away and couldn't come home.  So when he did return.  He moved out of her house and moved home until he could find an apartment.   My husband and I have a small construction company,so we gave him a job in an effort to help him get back on his feet.

Since the day she called andsaid she had a new boy friend, our son has just been crazy.  He can't leave her alone.  He still calls her all the time.  But the problem is, if he doesn't call her, she calls him.  But when she call him, its nothing but pick pick pick.  But  our son will put up wiith any kind of abuse she dishes out.  My son has spent whole pay checks on taking her on a trip, just to have her get home and say thanks, now go away.  He has done this several times.  I now have creditors calling my office looking for him. He was spending all his money on her and did not take care of his bills etc.  And yes, this is all the while she has another boy friend.  They go on these trips when the other boyfriend is gone for the weekend or something like that.   Everyone we know including us has tried to get him to leave her alone. Change his cell phone number, don't call her, don't answer the phone if she calls you etc etc.  We have tried everything.  But he will not listen, He just has to get her back.  Last week, he was having one of his powty days at work, so my husband sent him home to get his act together.   He came back to my office a few hours later, in a total mess, he was threatening suicide and begging me to help him..(he had had lunch that afternoon with the girl friend)  So I took him to the hospital and had him committed to the psych ward.   They determined, because of the threats of suicide that he needed to go into a group home.  So away he went to the group home .  In the home, he talked to a therepist every day, he had no contact with the girl friend, she was put on a list of people he could not see.   Well our son is very charming and he fooled the people at the home into thinking that after a couple days, he could handle his life again and he wanted out, so the doctor released him.   He came back to work and we were willing to give him another chance.  But it only took 3 days,  He talked to the girlfriend at noon yesterday ( which my son denies) he had another powty day at work, so my husband fired him.  He left in a big up roar, he slammed doors, threw office chairs and left skid marks out of the dirveway.  He came back 4 different times to return all the tshirts and things we had given him. 

All this up and down and emotional drama has been going on for almost a year now.  We have now fired our son 3 times.   Each time he comes back and begs to get his job back.  We are trying very hard to keep our family together, so we let him come back, each time he promises to do better and each time he lets us down.   We are paying him to wash trucks and sweep the floor, he does not produce anything that we can charge for.  If my husband gives him a project to work on,   The ohter guys in the shop end up helping him, because our son is so help less and the only thoughts he has all day is how he is going to get the girlfriend back.  He is not thinking about work or what needs to be done.  So then we end up paying 2 people to do one job. and the job the other person was doing doesn't get done, because they stopped to help our son. 

We are at our wits end.  We don't know what to do for him or about him.  We would rather have him go away than deal with him.  But we are trying very hard to not go there.  But, because we are trying so hard, our  son can see that and takes advantage.  Our son is seeing a therapist, because of being in the home,  But they let him go for a week with no contact.  I feel he needs to been seen every day.  Our son has an appointment later today with the therepist.  I am trying to get in before my son has his appointment, so that I can explain some of the drama to the Doctor.  I am sure my son has only told them some of it.   This is another pattern he has, tell them what they want to here and nothing more. He does not get real , because then they will tell him what all of us have told him........Leave her alone.  Even last night as we were talking andhe was begging for his job back, we toldhim, give it up.  His response was "just like that?"   He doesn't  get it.

If anyone has any suggestions, I am all ears.  I don't know what else to do.  I don't want to black ball him and never speak to him again, but that is my last option at this point.  Our son is ruining our life, our business and now my husband and I are having a hard time gettting through our day, because we are so tired from fighting with him andthe worry it causes.   We don't handle everyday situations very well,because we are already upset over this.  Our son is just turning everyone and everhting he comes in contact with upside down;.   All over a girlfriend he can't give up.

Hi,

I read your post and you sound alot like me. I am 53.  I am still married,but the kids are all grown and gone.  My husband and I run a small welding shop together and all we do is work and go home and sleep.  We are both volunteer firemen too, so I have a few friends at the fire house.  Or do I. ???

 A few years back there was a big shake up at the fire department and my husband and I took a stand and decided to leave.  My "friends" didn't agree wtih the decision and didn't speak to me for a long while.  We eventually joined another fire department and a few of these "friends" eventually came to the same decision as we did and have followed to the new fire department.  But thngs still are not the same.  We had a fire training meeting last night.  When we walked in, my one friend was already there and she waived and I went and sat across the table from her.  We had our training and we all were mingling before we went home.  I tried talking to her as I do not see my friend very often and she just kept moving around the room not standing in one spot very long and if she saw me coming she would move to another spot.  I have 2 other fireman women friends and the one mentioned here and these other 2 all keep in touch and talk to each other all the time.  No one ever calls me.  No one ever comes by my office when they are in town.  I am just out there all by myself.  I have no idea what I ever did to these people.  I always try to be friendly when we are around each other, I send around emails  etc etc and I get nothing in return.  It's like I don't exist to them.  I always feel like they are mad at me or that I may have said somehting to offend them.  I am sad most of the time.  As you can see, this is where I end up.  I don't have anyone to talk to.  I sit at my desk  day after day and the only people I talk to are the ones that call our business.  Most of them are so stiff and official, you can't joke around with them, they act like they don't get it.  So life is pretty lonely.  And, like you I feel like I am being judged by everyone.

  What I want to know is:  I have heard this saying, that what ever you give out, you will get back 10 fold.  Iam still waiting.  Is there a time line on this?

I'm the type of person that likes to help if I can.  I have had to watch out and not become a door mat for people.  I am even a volunteer fireman/EMT.   But when it comes to people I consider my "friends"  I just can't do anything right.  I am very good at remembering birthdays and special events and I always try to tell my frieinds good luck, have a great time, or good for you.  When it comes to my turn to have a birthday or do something fun, I am all alone.  I go everywhere by myself.  No one calls to have lunch with me, no one stops by my office to see me.  Now, I understand people are busy, I am busy as well.  I also understand, that maybe I am just too much, so I have backed off.  It still doesn't matter.  I am even having trouble with my own Mother.  She is 80 years old and recently had to have a pace maker put in.   So I don't mind being there for her,  But she is so self centered, that all she wants from me is to take care of her when she is in town to go to the doctor.  She doesn't care about how busy I am at work.  She doesn't care that I may have other plans for my day.  She wants my attention, and right now.  Then when she is done, she goes home, no thank you or anything.  I am left feeling drained.

So, how do you get something back when you do nice things for others?  I don't do things, expecting any return, but I get nothing ever and it's noticable.