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Messages By: steph1972

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July 24, 2005, 4:43 am CDT

Do I really want to fix things with my dad?

My dad is somebody how is very self centred. He was married to my mother for 17 years but ran off with her best friend. His actions devistated the family. Our family unit was broken up, we had to move house. We had hardly any money etc.. things settled down eventually and we tried to make peace with my moms best friend. He married her and we thought he was doing the right thing. They seemed very happy and were married for almost 7 years. We were really attached to her and even my mother began to come round and we even got together for 1 xmas (since my parents split I always used to have 2 xmas and 2 birthday etc..and hated it..I used to get very stressed about it when I was young). Anyway, my father ran away with another woman (well I say ran away...we don't know the full story but he told his mother he was 'looking for somebody else' while he was still married which is dissappointing and so typical of him. I was 13 when my parents split and I'm now 33 and he still annoyes me...I can't seem to forgive him what's wrong with me!!!! I just can't seem to get over it (I think?). I live in a different country to him and he is now in a relationship with a woman about 20 years younger than him. I don't see him ever and we only chat via email every 3 months or so...he doesn't bother to keep in touch as he says he's too busy and I guess I don't either as every time I hear from him I get annoyed and teary...just feel so horrible everytime I think about him and our pathatic relationship. My mother gave me some good advice as she knows what he's like - she said to lower my expectations of him that way I wouldn't be disappointed all the time and I have followed this advice and seem to have left my bad feelings behind and moved on. We got on okay when he lived closer and was married to his second wife but since he moved countries again and now is with this new woman (who seems quite nice) he is really into her 2 children who are quite young. He keeps sending me pictures of them all laughing and having 'family' time together...I feel quite bitter that I missed out on that stuff with him due to his selfish ways! He doesn't think it's insensative and I have told him many times how I feel about everything but he just says this is his life now (basically accept it)...I do accept it...but why do I keep feeling so horrible when I think or talk to him? Why can't I let it go...I can't help feeling deep down that (as I never see him) if I let 'it' go I will let him go too! My husband hates me getting letters or talking to my dad as it upsets me for months after...what should I do...move on and forget about him? I can't deal with him and not feel like this (realise this now)...put up with it?? what? I have my own baby now and with my husband feel like I have my own family set up so 'need' him...so why can't I let it go?
 
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July 24, 2005, 4:50 am CDT

Toxic Family Relationships

My dad is somebody how is very self centred. He was married to my mother for 17 years but ran off with her best friend. His actions devistated the family. Our family unit was broken up, we had to move house. We had hardly any money etc.. things settled down eventually and we tried to make peace with my moms best friend. He married her and we thought he was doing the right thing. They seemed very happy and were married for almost 7 years. We were really attached to her and even my mother began to come round and we even got together for 1 xmas (since my parents split I always used to have 2 xmas and 2 birthday etc..and hated it..I used to get very stressed about it when I was young). Anyway, my father ran away with another woman (well I say ran away...we don't know the full story but he told his mother he was 'looking for somebody else' while he was still married which is dissappointing and so typical of him. I was 13 when my parents split and I'm now 33 and he still annoyes me...I can't seem to forgive him what's wrong with me!!!! I just can't seem to get over it (I think?). I live in a different country to him and he is now in a relationship with a woman about 20 years younger than him. I don't see him ever and we only chat via email every 3 months or so...he doesn't bother to keep in touch as he says he's too busy and I guess I don't either as every time I hear from him I get annoyed and teary...just feel so horrible everytime I think about him and our pathatic relationship. My mother gave me some good advice as she knows what he's like - she said to lower my expectations of him that way I wouldn't be disappointed all the time and I have followed this advice and seem to have left my bad feelings behind and moved on. We got on okay when he lived closer and was married to his second wife but since he moved countries again and now is with this new woman (who seems quite nice) he is really into her 2 children who are quite young. He keeps sending me pictures of them all laughing and having 'family' time together...I feel quite bitter that I missed out on that stuff with him due to his selfish ways! He doesn't think it's insensative and I have told him many times how I feel about everything but he just says this is his life now (basically accept it)...I do accept it...but why do I keep feeling so horrible when I think or talk to him? Why can't I let it go...I can't help feeling deep down that (as I never see him) if I let 'it' go I will let him go too! My husband hates me getting letters or talking to my dad as it upsets me for months after...what should I do...move on and forget about him? I can't deal with him and not feel like this (realise this now)...put up with it?? what? I have my own baby now and with my husband feel like I have my own family set up so 'need' him...so why can't I let it go?

sorry said 'need' him...I ment to type - I don't need him. Thing is I have made sure I don't have any 'need' for him by having no expectations...so if I don't speak to him often and don't have any 'need' for him why do I keep feeling like this? What is stopping a 33 year old grown woman with her own husband and baby from moving on?? I want to let go of these feelings but perhaps I feel I need to forgive him to do so...and I don't know if I can as he's put himself first so many times...I forgave him once with my mothers best friend as he told me it was love etc.. we (the family) all worked so hard to get along and we came such a long way...then he cheated on her (we think)..so why forgive and forgive...Oprah said when somebody shows you what they are like the first time don't make them show you again and again...so true...so he has shown his true colours...why can't I let him go?

 

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