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Messages By: connolly2

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July 25, 2005, 10:15 am CDT

Mother daughter relationship issues

so here is the issue.... My wife and I have been together for 16 years and married for 11. I love her to death and we have 2 beautiful children in San Diego. Sounds good but here is the issue. The schools here suck and it is sooooooo expensive here to live.

 

 

 

 

 

She is a stay at home day care provider (55 hours a week) and makes just enough for us to be 700 in the hold every month. She is getting another job at night 15-20 hours a week just so we can live hand to mouth. We have a couple 100 grand in equity and I want to move to a place that is better for education and for family life. She could stay home with the kids and never have to work again but there is a catch holding this whole modern day utopia from happening. Her mom and her need to say in San Diegono matter how good the benefits of moving are.

 

 

 

 

Her standard response to moving is that she will NEVER leave her “FAMILY”, her mom basically (I thought her husband and children were her family) and I will never leave San Diego no matter how bad is.

 

 

 

 

Her parents are functional alcoholics (love them to death but they are what they are) her and her mom are total co-dependants and I just wish for once she would pick her true family(the one’s she gave birth to and the one she said I do to) first consideration. I just needed to vent

 

 

 

 

Thanks

 

 

 

 

Any suggestions on dealing with it….. God would I love Dr. Phil to give her a call and ask her

 

 

 

 

 

 

“So you priority is family and location but now your working 75 hours a week so you see neither your family or the location,,,,,,   HOW”S THAT WORKING FOR YA?”

 
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July 28, 2005, 7:10 am CDT

the whole story

Quote From: ritehere

The way you put your concerns in the post makes your wife look like a self-punishing work-a-holic. May be she is. Or maybe there's more to the story. Does she feel an obligation to look after her parents? At heart, is she afraid that if she leaves they will fall completely into the pit of alcoholism? Are your motives pure, or are you driven by a need to separate your wife and her mother? And you have to be brutally honest with yourself on that one, because moving for the reasons you list is a good decision. But you see, if your wife is sensing an ulterior motive from you, she would feel like you are forcing her to choose between people that she loves, in DIFFERENT ways. My suggestion is to find a solution that includes her parents. That way you are not forcing her to make a decision that she feels unable to make, she will have more time for everybody, and will see you as the hero.

Part of it is true that I would like to see her here less dependant on her mom for emotional support and more dependant on her family(ie.. Her kids and myself). I understand and mother daughter relationship but her mom and her are very depentant on each other to the point of my wife feeling a sence of obligation to her due tothe fact ther her toher daughter is not fairing well on her personal war of drugs(her older daughter is in a bd way). My thought is that my wife feels she must keep her mom happy at all costs.

 

I offered to move with my family and invited her mom and her Step father for live with us in a state were all is easier but her mom is anchored here and so as mom goes so goes the daughter(my wife).

 

I just get so tired of working so hard out here in san diego and not getting ahead. I love my wife and family and I would never do anything that would hurt my kids emotionally. i come from a broken home and vowed my kids will always have 2 parents inthe house, barring alcoholism or abuse or drugs.

 

I really don't belive their is a resolution other thatn to just live with it and secrectly moarn the loss of a nicer life.

 
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July 28, 2005, 8:24 am CDT

funny thing

Quote From: ritehere

I see what you're saying. Have you considered counseling for her and her mother? They both need to understand that letting the older sister ruin their lives along with her own does nobody any good. If they are operating out of some kind of guilt on their part for her drug use, they need to wake up. They are not only missing out on their own lives, they are depriving others of their better selves. Your wife's working herself to death, and stressing about her sister's inability to handle their life, and trying to placate her mother will not solve any problems. And could lead to health problems of her own in time. She may not know what to do, so just keeps on putting one foot in front of the other hoping for the best. She may listen to the advice of a counselor, if you can get her to see one. If she won't, maybe you could talk to someone who could give you some idea of how to convince her what she's doing isn't working. It can be difficult to get someone to see the dead-end they are walking down, especially if they feel they deserve it somehow. My best wishes to you.

I just looked at you vitals and it says you are from Colorado HAHAHAH thats where I want to move my family to.... Actually 20-30 miles outside Denver to the north....  small world....

 

Funny joke that i feel my wife is the punch line to

 

Women is flood and a boat comes by and they say come withus and she reploes "No the Lord will provide"

 

River getting higher and a boats comes again and the women responds " No the lorad will provide"

 

the river comes to the top of the house and a hilcopter comes by drops a ladder and tells her we will pull to safety and the womens says" No the Lord will provide"

 

The women dies and meet so GOD in heaven and she asks him why didn't you provide and God say" What do you mean I sent 2 boats and a hilocopter what more do you need?"

 

 

My wife is alwasy praying for God to help and its almost funny because I can jsut imagine the conversation in heaven. " What do you mean I sent you 250,000 in equity a good job to go to and a family(my sister and her family and my mom) in Colorado what more did you need?"

 
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April 4, 2007, 9:22 am CDT

mother daughter money and moving

My wife and I have been married for 18 years now and we have 2 children 6 and 4. I am network engineer make about 65K/yr and she is a daycare provider at home and makes about 32k/yr and well long story we can't afford the monthly bills to the tune of going in debt every month some 1300-1600(writing off the equity line to live

). We have no bills but let’s just say San Diego is an expensive place to live. Well anyway when we got married she made it clear that she was not going to move even though is the back of my mind I knew that someday I would like to.

 

I hate going into debt like this to the tune of 20K a year but she will not pick up the blocks and move the family to a place where if we were to leave now were could have a beautiful home(paid for). Good schools, low crime etc... But her response is I don’t want to leave my mom and San Diego and will refuse to move no matter what the consequences. So we go into debt, fight all the time (NOT INFRONT OF THE KIDS), and generally are unhappy with our married, me because I feel she places her own wants and needs before the families and her because I will not drop the idea of moving.

 

Any ideas or am I being unreasonable

 

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