I tried 3 times to post this yesterday. Let me try ONE MORE TIME.
I have been batteling depression. There have been times in my life that i "felt" depressed. You know that sinking feeling probally more like the blues. But this time it is totally different.
Over the past 3 years I have been helping a lot of family members mostly with health issuses. I kind of lost myself in it all. I have looked after my mom and so gradually I didnt even realize how much, until I was maniging her total care. in and out of the hospital and finally in a nursing home. My DIL had the birht of her second child while she had meningitis. I stayed with her for about 2 months until she learned how to care for her children again. mom broke a hip. and had sundowners. Dementia set in and never quite went away. My husband lost his job. I totaled my car and had some back injuries. My sisters husband had a heart attack and stroke. and passed away. She has terribel migraine headaches. So I started h elping manage her meds and going to the Dr with her. My son went to war in Iraq only 3 days after his 3rd child was born by c section. I went back and forth 100 miles to help his family. then to deal with sons pts on returning home. and that was about the time we put mom in nursing home with parkensons and other problems. She was always mad at me, and didnt know where she was. We moved my son and his family in with us for a few weeks and during that time my DH did not speak to me. In December this year I knew I wasnt functioning well. I couldnt understand what people were saying unless they were talking about these issues. I didnt mind telling anyone i know about any of th is but if anyone started asking me questions, I felt sick and then got mad. thats not like me at all. I couoldnt understand written words on a page so reading anything was out of the question. Unless of corse it was moms medical or insurance papers. I am a quilter... I couldnt seem to get anythingdone. couldnt think past a first or second step. And I didnt want to be in my sewing room at all. Even getting myself dressed in the morning was very dificult. I was going through the motions of life, or trying to. I didnt remember to do the simplest of things like opening a curtain so the house wouldnt be dark. Or burshing my teeth, or making dinner. then one of my very close uncles died of a brain touomor. I had been helping my aunt with some things for h im to.
My Dr said she would have medicated me for any one of these issues. She diagnoised me with Grief Response Depression. two weeks after my uncle died, my mom died. two weeks later we got a phone call from my husbands family. His mom died. Two weeks later another special uncle died. I helped my sister move into our moms house. she is closer to me now. and I am taking her to her Dr appts. I am begenning to treat her just like my mom. and I am trying not to. A month after that my neice was dianoised with Lymphoma Stage 3 it was in her bone morrow. So my sister and I have been going with her to her chemo treatments.
my Dr said it would take from 6 month to a year for me to get over this. Believe it or not, i am leaving out a lot of stuff that happened... I have been on Lexa pro for a while but she changed me to Effexor and also on stratera. I am a 54 year old woman. I have been so glad I dont have to take any regular presreption drugs. I hope to be able to get off of the effexor some time but for now I will trust what my Dr says. She did send me to a Nuro Psychologist which helped me a lot. She gave me permission to start taking care of me. That has been a challenge. Through all of this I have gained about 30 lbs which i had lost about 2 years ago. Im sad that it is back but i know i will need to start that battle again soon.
Its been about 7 months now. I am just now starting to feel more like me. I finished a good book yesterday. I have been sewing. I have been cleaning again somewhat. lol I am still haviang trouble with memory of some little things. and cooking. i have become an awful cook.
Thats my story with Depression. My story is probally not completely over yet. I havnt cried since moms funeral. My Dr says in time I will be able to cry again. It feels so strange to NOT CRY even when I need to. I m almost afraid to because last time I cried it was for about 2 hours and I was so out of controll it frightened me. But I know i am improving every day. I laugh more and that is important.
Like i said in the begenning... I tried to send this 3 times.. and have wirtten it 4 times now. I am going to make sure i dont loose it this time. cut & Paste :-)
BabsZ
