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Messages By: jasmamaus

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July 25, 2005, 3:40 pm CDT

General Advice

Quote From: bj1962

This is a long story, please stay with me...

We have 3 children, the two eldest are boys (20 & 21) and a daughter whom is about to turn 19. Our daughter is disabled due to an accident when she was only 2 and in a special education class, she's a cheer to be around...most of the time (like any teen eh?). She has a young friend I'll call 'Anne' who is also in her class, she has a 16 yr old body and the mind of an 8 year old. Our daughter and Anne get along very well and we have been having her over this summer for company as we live in the country, we have been doing all of the 'girl summer' stuff..painting nails, sun, sand, water, magazines...shopping, they are having a great summer as it should be.

The young girl has been raised by her father whom works to support herself and 3 older siblings in the house, as the mother left when Anne was only 18 months old. Her grandmother had much of an influence until she passed on 2 years ago, but since then I don't believe there has been any other womanly input.

Anne comes to visit with a ripped shopping bag full of clothes which are 2 sizes too small, no underwear nor bras...I'm sure you get it. We aren't wealthy but I have taking the girls out for some shopping and I have managed to pick up some cotton panties and the like, I stuck them in the bottom of a bag I made her for travelling. This has been happening since the end of school and gradually I have been able to weed some Tshirts and shorts for her from our daughter's stock...no biggie.

This week Anne didn't feel well so I took her home early (I called first), she had too much to carry herself so I was allowed entry into the small family home for the first time. I'm not quite sure how to say this without sounding like I'm judging the dad because I know he works hard but the place was...looking for a word here...terrible. They have 2 small dogs that seem to not go outside and have left all of their business on the kichen floor...everywhere. I had to wade and find the kitchen sink just to wet a cloth for her forehead, there is garbage and bags and towels and empty beer bottles and old newspaper and old food...you get the drift. I didn't give any response at all and just kept on as I didn't want Anne to feel as I had noticed.

Now the dilema...should I just go in and have Anne help me clean up? Keep my nose in my own business? Offer to help? We like having Anne here and it seems she loves being here and her father doesn't seem to have any problems with it either, I'm just not sure IF I should go anywhere with it at all. There are 2 older siblings at Anne's home that are female 20 and male 22, and from what I can tell her sister watches Jerry Springer and soaps all day and the brother stays up in his room playing video games and listening to Marilyn Manson (I can hear it from outside when I pull up).

My husband says I am always out to save the world...I think we can only do what we can, if we can.

Any thoughts anyone? Thanks in advance :)

 I personnally would be offended if someone took it upon themselves to come in my home and start cleaning, however I think it would be perfectly acceptable to offer Anne's dad some help, whether it be with cleaning or even just some emotional support.
 
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July 25, 2005, 3:53 pm CDT

pre-teen backtalk

 my 11-year old son is constantly calling people names. and i mean everyone- his siblings, cousins, other childrens' friends, even me. things like "stupid" and "freak" are his favorites. i do not know how to stop this behavior. i have ignored it, discussed it with him, and tried taking away things he enjoys. nothing seems to work. ideas?
 
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August 1, 2005, 9:18 am CDT

sounnds good

Quote From: tammyo1973

She has bipolar, ptsd, and anxiety disorder. She is the queen of backtalk.

 

My problem is she doesn't get the consequence thing. No matter what I do she doesn't get it.

 

My best weapon was a behavioral contract. I printed the one from Dr. Phil's book Family FIrst.We use that.

When things get so out of control I strip her room. I mean EVERYTHING except her bed and a weeks worth of clothes, that I picked.  I think some of the problem with children today is they just get everything. They have everything. Once I took all my daughters things she had to earn them back. She had a point system and every 10 points she got to go into the storage room and get one item. This way they have to "work" at their behavior and it takes a long time to get everything back.

 

You have to find what works for you but if you lay everything out in a contract (get your childs input as well this makes them feel involved not punished at the get go) everyone sign it and then review every so often.

Because of my daughters illness I had to include small things like showering everyday and taking her meds.

 

We put in things that were to be done daily, behaviors that we wanted to see, ones we didn't and then listed privledges for doing good and consequences for bad behaviors. This is so awesome because then you eliminate the confrontation of disipline. All I do is look at the contract and tell her what the consequence is and thats it.

 

Tammy

 this sounds like smoething that may work with him. i will be trying it soon. thanks.
 
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September 29, 2005, 1:55 pm CDT

me too

Quote From: trinket

    

    

 My mother --we don't get along.  Because my mother chose to tell another family member that she "Preferred" my sister over me, we don't speak, nor have we spoken in more than a year.  Our relationship has always been strained.  A week ago, my ex husband came to me and told me that through my sister, he had been asked to bring our 6 year old so to my mother's home during his visitation weekends. Behind my back of course.   

    

  When my son was born, he was in the NICU for a week and MY Mother never came to see him, or me. My mother in law came everyday to give her newborn grandson his lunch She's very much a part of his life, and unlike my mother.. our son knows her.   Naturally he's my son, so why should MY mother be bothered,?  When my mother called me to say she was a couple of blocks from our house- the week before, but never called or stopped by, or let us know she was going to be in the area-- well, I just chalked it up to her less than stellar "grandmothering" and let it alone. She had a busy life being my sisters full time caregiver to my sisters kids.  Naturally she's too busy to be bothered with my kids.   

    

  So, I am posting this in hopes of getting a few Ideas on what to do about this, if anything.  Once I took the ex down memory lane and how involved my mother has been in our son's life-for the last 6+ years... He agreed that she's up to something hokey, and we are pretty certain it's because my sister has no use for her since her kids are elderly teens now-- that my mother wants to use our son to entertain herself-- until the olderst grand from my sister starts having a family of her own.  Then we can console our devastated son because "Grandma" no longer knows he's alive-- again. Our son has extended family in his father's side.    

    

  I dont know if I should tell other family members about this-such as my mother's sisters and such,  but it would certainly explain my hostility toward her.  I could keep quiet-- since they already know of our rift from her last alienation tactics and why we are no longer speaking.  Our son is protected..  No, my mother is not diagnosed or on any medications for mental illness- though I have my suspicions.   She's been calling me and being silent on the phone, since I called her and told her I knew, and a few "Adjectives" about her to describe how I felt about her and going behind my back.  

Thanks !  

   

Annie  

My mother also always favored my sister over me, to the point that she now favors my sister's kids over mine. My sister even sees this, and agrees with me. Have you ever talked to your sister about this? If she agrees with you about this, it may be possible for the two of you to present a united front, and confront your mother. Only if this is something that you feel needs to be resolved. If you are content with the situation as it stands, leave it alone. Only bring family members into it if you feel something needs to be resolved, or if they ask. My kids and my sister's were very much aware of the favoritism, so my sister and I did confront our mother. The favoritism is still present, but she now makes more of an effort to include my children more often.
 
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October 12, 2005, 3:42 pm CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: brenda8189

I feel that way about being married also.  I was divorced once and said I would never do that again.  I have now been married for 15+ years and it has not been fun.  My husband is very controlling and possesive.  He used to be a lot worse than he is now.  He used to check the speedometer in my car to see if I had been anywhere during the day while he was at work and other things.   

We now own a house, which we can't afford because HE wants it.  He is very selfish, very easy to anger, calls me names when he is mad, etc.  I want to leave so bad.  I just don't know what to do. I suppose the first step I need to do is talk to an attorney to see what happens if I just leave the bills.  The house is in my name as well as his.  I hate living here and having the stress of money all the time plus the way he treats me.  He sleeps on the couch and has for years.  I have tried to get him to sleep with me in our room.  He won't. But...he does come into the bedroom for one thing and one thing only and I am supposed to jump at that!  I don't.   I can't.  It makes me feel used and cheap.  I have tried to tell him this also.  There is no talking to him. My feelings don't matter whatsoever.  He has never hit me although he has threatened to do so.  I have a son who is 24 from my first marriage and we have a 16 year old daughter.   I have gone to counseling, he won't have anything to do with it.   I just want to be happy and enjoy life!  I'm going to be 45 this December.  I just want to be happy!  Thats all.  My daughter understands my feelings but this is so hard on her.   She told me just last night that she would rather us stay together and be unhappy than to split up and disrupt everything.  My son wants me to move out.   I need the courage.  I need someone to help me make that first step.  I know i won't 'be able to live on my own and help pay for this stupid house we live in so...I'm confused and scared.  I know its not going to get any better.  I know it.  I just need help I think getting to where I need to be.  Somehow.... 

remember..... you are teaching your daughter what a relationship should look like. leaving is hard. you need to evaluate what it is you want, and what you want to be teaching your daughter. she will forgive you for disrupting her life. explain your reasoning to her. let her know that you don't feel that your husband's treatment of you is acceptable. it's even possible that if you actually leave it may be a wake up call for you husband. good luck with what ever you decide to do.
 
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October 12, 2005, 3:43 pm CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: lizabeth

I believed that you should stay married not matter what.  But you have to know when it is not healthy to stay in a relationship.  If there are children, they can get hurt more with you together than apart if it is not right.  You can not change someone unless they want to be changed. We should not try to change for someone if you don’t want to.  We all see signs ahead of time that say.  This person is this way.  But many of us ignore it because WE WANT TO BELIEVE THAT PERSON IS FOR US>>>>>>

  

 

  

 

We all know when it is time to leave. We just don’t want to listen to that voice inside of us.  I was in a very abusive marriage.  I am now on a disability because of his abuse. We were high school sweet hearts.  He was very jealous and possessive.  The gut instinct told me it would not change and I needed to go on.  I got pregnant and we got married.  It never got better and his verbal abuse went to physical abuse.  It took him almost killing me to leave him.  It was hard.  My kids and I were basically out on the street.  I was stalked and went through years of problems trying to get on with my life.  I then met another man years later after my divorce. 

  

 

  

 

With the low self esteem due to the physical damage to my body and sole, I got myself into another bad marriage.  I had that gut instinct that said it would not work but I just did not listen.  We went through counseling and the counselors felt that since he would not listen then sometimes it is best to end a marriage.  The emotional abuse got worse and it affected my children.  It then turned to physical abuse. 

  

 

  

 

Not only did I suffer but so did my children. 

  

 

  

 

You can not change someone.  If they are someone who gets upset on the drop of a dime.  Or they are more interested in video games, friends or drinking than they are you.  If they just do not listen.  If they are a constant complainer and have nothing good to look at in life.  They don’t get along with others, self indulged or jealous.  Or just don’t have any ambition in life.  It won’t change.  It only gets worse. 

  

 

  

 

You have to decide what you want in life.  Are you a person that likes to have friends (if he is a jealous type, or secluded this will not work).  If you are someone that always looks at the good in everything and are a happy go lucky person (he is always unhappy and miserable, you can not make him happy), he will pull you down. 

  

 

  

 

They say opposites attract.  That may be true, they will not stay together.  I have been through two marriages that hurt me and my children.  If only I had gone on that gut instinct. 

  

 

  

 

I decided a head of time what I needed in a relationship.  I wrote it down and evaluated it fully.  I then decided that I would not settle for less.  I needed to be loved and have someone that I could love.  That would treat me like I should be treated.  Who would be my best friend and anything else.  I realize the men are not perfect and I would not find the perfect person.  But it just had to seem right. 

  

 

  

 

I met a man two years ago.  We took our time to get to know each other.  We kept sex out of the picture so that it would not confuse things.  But we became the best of friends.  He laughs at his mistakes.  He does get sad and has spells just like everyone.  But it is shared by asking for a hug or talking out what is bothering him.  When I am sad he makes me laugh.  If some one whistles at me while walking down the street and laughs and says she is mine.  And we have full trust and consideration for each other.  We talk about everything.  He is everything to me.  We have been married for a year.  And each time I see him it brings joy to my life.  He looks at me with a look that I can not explain. 

  

 

  

 

When I met him it was a gut instinct that said this is the one.  I had a peace and it is something that I can not explain. When it is right you will know.  It is better to be alone than with someone who is not right for you. 

  

 

  

 

I believed that you should stay married not matter what.  But you have to know when it is not healthy to stay in a relationship.  If there are children, they can get hurt more with you together than apart if it is not right.  You can not change someone unless they want to be changed. We should not try to change for someone if you don’t want to.  We all see signs ahead of time that say.  This person is this way.  But many of us ignore it because WE WANT TO BELIEVE THAT PERSON IS FOR US>>>>>>

  

 

  

 

I have gone through abuse my whole life and through two abusive marriages…  I got beat over the head one two many times before I realized that I do not deserve this.  When you leave a bad relationship it seems like it will not get better.  In my case I went through 15 years of hell by ex-spouces. But now I have the most wonderful man in my life.  He spoils me and treats me like I am a friend not his possession.  All I get is love and loving words.  I am lucky and so are my children and for the first time they can see what a relationship should be….  And MAYBE they will have the chance that I did not…………  He is not their father and he does show them love and respect.  They have a hard time accepting it and it is hard.  They have learned the ways of abuse from their father.  But he stands by me and we stand together in all decisions.  He is helping me teach them that physical and verbal abuse is not the way…..  I think his calmness upsets them more than anything.  They do not know how to react to it.  Sometimes neither do I.  But I am enjoying it and taking it all in.  I used to think that love was just a fairy tale.  But now I am living it and believing it.  Gut instinct it is there we just have to use it. 

i have been through several bad realtionships, some more abusive than others. it is uplifting to hear about someone who has been through worse than me, and turned everything around. thank you.
 
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December 27, 2005, 2:50 pm CST

Co-Parenting

Quote From: malaikaa

Hi Everyone,I really hope this doesn't turn into a long confusing message cos it really is very long & confusing in reality. I will try my best to keep it short(ish) and sweet....Im 21 and Ive been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. Last February I gave birth to our Son. For the first 6months of his life the 3 of us lived together with my family. This was on condition that my bf got a job and started saving money so we could move into a place of our own. Sadly though, my bf didnt bother looking for a job hard enough so he had to move out. That was September. Can I just add here that my parents came to dislike my bf, since as far as they were concerned he was a lazy bum who just didnt give a s**t. By the time he moved out it wasn't exactly a pleasant atmosphere in the house, although, thank God, no actual slagging matches broke out. So, since then my bf has been alternately homeless, sleeping on friend's sofas ect. This moment though he is staying in a family home 10 mins down the road in a nice area, lovely family, things are looking better (though by no means stable compared to having his own money, flat ect) and bf is in a much brighter mood than he's been in a while. So, while all this was going on our Son, who needless to say is the centre of my world, has been with me in my families home. His Dad has always been there, as in we would meet and just do normal family things together during the day. Go to the park, go shopping, basicly spend time together. I would say that Father and Son have a close relationship. His Dad has been there for me (us) since the moment I told him I was pregnant, (he was delighted btw! He is 34 but this is his only child) through the birth, and consistently since then. As for our relationship (as in me and bf) we have our moments but I think we are a good couple. We are close, we can talk about anything and we trust each other. And nobodys perfect, right?! Im not saying Id say 'yes' if he asked me to marry him tomorrow, but I really do beleive we are a good couple....Anyways.....So, two nights ago, at my request, Dada took Baba back to his place for an hour to give Mama a break. When my Dad questioned the whereabouts of his Grandson was honest and told him he was with his Dad. Well ohmigod....I wish I had just said he was asleep in his cot or something cos my Dad flipped, saying " I thought we gave that fella his marching orders months ago, I thought we'd seen the last of him...I dont know how much more of this I can take, Hes a waste of space, He cant even look after himself let alone a child. This is all going to end in tears, stringing his along like this, why dont you just cut this off right now...." There was a lot more, but basicly that was the gist of it. According to my Dad, my bf is manipulative and he's got me wrapped around his little finger. Before this thing with my Dad happened I wasn't thinking too much about the situation. I figured if the Babies Daddy had cared enough not to leg it the moment I mentioned the word 'pregnant' to him, had been there, in his Son's life since the child took his first breath and virtually every day since, Im not going to stop him being a father to this baby who he clearly loves so much. I dont want to start issueing him with threats and ultimatums like " If you dont have a job you cant see your Son" In fact, I promised him, the day our Son was born that I would never ever stop him seeing the baby, regardless of how we felt about each other. Also, my Dad has never been and will never be in my situation before and so how can he tell me what to do? I feel he is being to black-and-white about the situation. So, I would love to hear from everyone thats out there, reading this. Particularly from a mans point of view. Thank You for reading this far!!! Happy Christmas everyone!! ( God, I just saw it on the preview, its pretty bloody long isn't it!!!)
as long as the babies' dad is able and willing to take care of the baby in any way, and you are not worried about  the baby being exposed to situations you don't approve of, there is no reason for you to not allow your bf to see his child, especially since you are still in an active relationship with him. i would be concerned that your bf doesn't seem to be willing to get a job to help support his child, but emotional support is very important also. if he want to be involved, don't take that from your child.
 
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December 30, 2005, 4:06 pm CST

How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me

Quote From: jim1970

 Never forgive because it's the cheap way out.  When the abuser and the parent who let it happen get theirs, REJOICE!

As I always say, "Vengeance may belong to the Lord, but the pleasure is all mine."
if you don't forgive, you allow the abuser (and who ever else was involved) to continue to have negative influence over your life. you end up with this dark, gaping hole inside you. you allow anger to fester, which prevents you from being a whole person. forgiving isn't easy. it is probably the hardest thing to do. but it is necessary to your own healing, and by forgiving you are taking back control of your life from these people who have done these horrible things to you.
 
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December 30, 2005, 4:19 pm CST

housing

Quote From: wicked_nc

I've been disabled for several years for PTSD. Lately, due to some really bad choice's and desperate attempts to "run from my thought's" I've rendered myself practically homeless. I have an income from the gov. but that's about it. I haven't had flashbacks of my childhood or other events in my life in a few years, but lately I've dreamed of situations and events that have happened over my life, from different rapes to just a feeling of paranoia while hunting with an old boyfriend, feeling like he could shoot me in the back. Everything that I'm dreaming of has happened and I've tried to deal with them, but why now are they coming to me when I sleep? I'm thinking it's this helpless feeling because  I can't find somewhere that I can afford. Monthly would be no problem, but deposit's and first months rent and turning on utilities...I can't do it. I'm under a doctor's care and on meds...all that crap. I'm just wondering that if I survive this one...this hurdle, will the dreams still haunt me. If I'm ever able to have my own place with what little life treasure's I've managed to save, will the dreams go away?
i don't know where you live, but where i live there are places that can help with first month, security, etc. espicially if your income is from the gov. have you talked to whatever worker you have?
 
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December 30, 2005, 4:41 pm CST

Hello!

hello! this is my first time here. i was sexually abused by my father repeatedly between the ages of 9 and 10. i got married when i was 19, and my husband raped me regularly. my mother has never been supportive of me, she has always favored my sister and 2 brothers over me. obviously i have never learned how to have a healthy relationship, my last boyfriend was a verbally abusive drunk. but i know that what was done to me does not define me. it will always be a part of who i am, but it is not the biggest or most important part of me.
 

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