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Messages By: jenoc99

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July 27, 2005, 8:45 am CDT

Hi Fiona.....

Quote From: freyler

Hey everybody,

I've been with my partner since i was 16, i'm now 23 and we share a 20 month old son together.

My future inlaws, although live in the u.s.a and we are currently in Australia, are very controlling. I have never felt comfortable around them and they have always disaproved of me. They are very well off people, and their life revollves around spending money. They fund my 24 year old partners education and because of this they hold it over his head, and he das to do everything they say or they threaten to cut it off and he still has 2.5 years left to go.

On a recent trip to see them i put in 100 percent effort to get along wtih them, and on day 5 they totally cracked up because they felt i was disrespectfull for spending the nights with my father and not them. I am a compromising person and i despretly wanted to get along with them but telling me i'm disrespecful for going to my dads at night because he works all day and only gets home late at night, and i he wanted to see his grandchild, and i wanted to see him. This is not a compromise, it doesn't matter that i spend from 8am to 7pm with them, they always expect more.

They then started to use my partners education against ME!! Saying that i will benefit from his education and that i owe them!

this is all in a nut shell of course, so many things have been said aobut me, and i spend nearly every day crying on this holiday becuase they refuse to just be adults and get along. THen i get stuck in the middle becuase my partners wants us to all get along and he expects me to break my back for them just so everybody will be happy, but i'm not wiling to do that when it invovles me sacrifising time with my dad, whom i only see every few years.

I was only letting them see my son, because only two months ago they decideed to ackowlege him, before that they didn't accept my child, and never spoke about him. NOw they expect me to be greatful that they have decided to play some interest in him.

Gosh i could wrote a novel over all this.

This is all in a nut shell of course, there is soo much more between the lines.

Thanks for letting me get it all out, would love to hear about other inlaw problems.

Fiona

This must be so frustrating for you!! I agree with you that ignoring the problem does not make it go away or make it better. You will never be able to change their actions or reactions, so the only thing left for you to do is change YOUR reactions... What did you do when his parents were saying to you that they thought it was disrespectful of you to go visit your father? Whatever your reaction was, think about it, analyze it, and ask yourself if you could have done something different. These are people who think that they are always right, so no matter what you do, it won't be the right thing; therefore, you really have to have confidence that what your reaction is, or what you say or do, is the right thing. What would be best is if you could say back to them, in a clear, even, and non-defensive tone of voice, that you think family is important- meaning ALL family, that includes your father, and you can't give up a visit to him, and perhaps you can throw in a "sorry you feel that way" to them, and let them know that they are not going to keep you from your father. You were NOT disrespectful by visiting your dad, please know this. You are up against a pair of beasts!! One more piece of advice: get the book, "toxic in-laws" by Susan Forward..you wont regret it! It changed my life. Good luck.
 
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July 27, 2005, 4:38 pm CDT

Name calling, lies and threats.....

Quote From: acatlin101

I have been married for 2 1/2 years.  My husband and I have one child who is 22 months old and I am expecting our second child in January.  I recently found out that he has lied to me about his past.  I am trying to forgive him.  Then it was internet porn and poker.  He says it is a way to deal with pressures at work and with me.   He says he felt I didn't want him around me.  When we have an argument, he is very clever in turning things as my fault.  When I protest, I then become the victim.  During the arguments, I have also been called a c***, bitch and recently a whore.  He'll then apologize for the name calling and expects to be forgiven.  The last fight I told him I was finished with the relationship and wanted to move closer to my parents.  (a five hour drive from where we live).  I was told I couldn't leave him unless I lived nearby or I leave my daughter permently with him.  I was told I could have the expected baby.  He didn't care only he wanted our daughter.  If I tried to fight for what I believe is normal custody, he would take our daughter no matter what.  Threat?  He acted shocked when I asked if he meant kidnapping her. 

I'm so confused and depressed.

Can anyone help?

Your situation sounds very confusing and depressing, its so sad that your husband is so disrespectful to you. His threats sound very scary, I know, but remember that they are threats comming from his fear, he is playing on your fear...while he is treating you like garbage, at the same time he is scared that you would really leave, this is why he has made such drastic threats regarding your child. He sounds like the classic abuser; it starts out small, and gets worse and worse, right? I urge you to NOT wait for his temper to escalate any further. You wanting to be closer to your family is very, very reasonable, you need the love and support of your family right now. Also, he needs to know that you will not allow him to continue treating you this way! If you do nothing, this won't get better on its own. I know it is very difficult, but you've got to decide what is best for you,  your child, and this unborn baby, and you know that being safe is the most important thing. Its easy to try to 'trick' yourself into thinking he'll stop being mean; he'll stop lieing, etc...but the reality is that he can't stop because this is how he has been living his life for so long. You've made a mistake by marrying this man, but its okay- you are only  human, forgive yourself and move forward. I wish you the best.

 
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July 28, 2005, 11:30 am CDT

Dear "jb7ctx"...

Quote From: jb7ctx

My husband has worked with his father in his fathers bussiness ever since he was a teen. He is now in his 30's. We have children. We have been married for almost 7 years now and for the last 6 years, we have never received a tax refund. My husbands gross pay is 600.00/week. His father holds out 100.00/week for child support that my husband owes and 100.00/week for taxes. His bring home pay is 400.00/week. His father claims him as a partner in his bussiness (even though he really isnt). He does this for tax purposes only. His father holds these taxes out of my husbands check but we never get a refund. The tax accountant said that my husbands refund is being rolled over to pay his social security that he owes. (now keep in mind his father holds this money out of my husbands check). So therefore we are not entitled to a refund, we have to pay! my husband told his father last year that he had better send in his taxes so we can get a refund for this year. But guess what? We have to pay again! (actually, we just dont get a refund). Shouldnt his father have to pay us our refund himself since he held the money out of his check? My husband is not a partner with his dad in his dads bussiness. My husband has never received any profits of the money made. His dad does this for his own tax purposes! I feel we are being cheated out of our refund by his father. This year my husband is doing his own bussiness and he has his own employees that he has to pay. He is no longer working for his dad. BUT...his dad is planning on claiming my husband again NEXT year as his partner. He cant do this! My husband is scared to say anything to his dad for some reason. But I am tired of it. We are entitled to unearned income due to the kids, but dont get it because of his father claiming my husband as his partner when he really isnt! How can I get my husband to "open" his eyes as to what is going on, before I decide to leave him because of it? His parents dont have anything to do with us.  They are such control freaks over my husband. They use my husband to their own gain. How can I stop this?

 

Harobe, glad to see you back! The inlaws came down about 3 weeks ago but did not get out of the truck. They had to get something from my husband. Our kids were walking right in front of the truck and my mil said hey to my son but my son just looked at her and kept on walking. Our daughter was right next to my son and she didnt even say anything to her. I was outside too and the kids were walking to me but mil acted as though she didnt see me, she just kept her head down. It has been 10 months since they spoke to me or even seen the kids. I am tired of them. I am tired and angry especially about the income tax refund! These people dont care about us.

Oh I would be just as mad, irritated, etc., as you are about all this tax stuff!! This is totally stupid that his father thinks he can get away with this...BUT...you and I know why his father thinks he can get away with this-- its because your husband allows him to. Its unbelievable that this man would actually take money away from his son, practicaly taking food out of his own grandchildren's lives, and think nothing of it. It is unbelievable that your husband is just going to keep allowing this to happen. Your husband isn't working for his father at all at this point, yet his father has said that he is still going to keep this charade going for tax fraud? My only advice is for him (your hubby) to let his father know that he can't do that because he has to file his own taxes and his employee's taxes, and it will get his father in trouble if he does still file that your husband is his partner. I can't imagine what your husband is so "scared" of regarding his parents...it sounds like they are totaly uninvolved in your lives, what does he have to lose? He will be gaining self respect, and that is something you can't put a price tag on, you know?

 

You always have such good advice for others regarding problems with thier in-laws here on this message board. Can you pretend, just for a few moments, that your posting was someone else's and ask yourself what advice you would give that woman?  I wish you the best, keep your chin up.

Jen

 
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July 28, 2005, 11:37 am CDT

Control freak mother in-law!!

Quote From: arwen177

My Mil thinks that it's ok to serve alcohol at my son's 1st birthday party and I don't. When she asked me why I didn't think it was ok, I told her that it was because it was my son's party. She rolled her eyes and scoffed! I was so mad!  My husband and I also planned on serving only hamburgers & hotdogs at the party, and MIL thinks that we need to have pork chops as well! She thinks that the "adults" will want "something else." and that "hjamburgers & hotdogs are fine for the kids" Who does she think she is?? When did it become her party anyways? What I'm wondering is if I should put my foot down on this and tell her that there is not to be any alcohol served and that all we are cooking is hamburgers & hotdogs and thats it or should I just let it go?

No, no no.... you've got to put your foot down. If you don't, she is going to keep doing this, year after year, forever! It sounds like she just wants to control and dominate. Otherwise, she would just shut up and bring the pork chops herself, you know?! But, no..she has the need to tell you what to do and how to do it, so she is giving you "advice" that you don't need. If I were you, I also would not want alcohol and my one year old's birthday party. You are talking about a nice little celebration, with some hot dogs and hamburgers- not something fancy. You want to be relaxed. Don't listen to your mother in law and make more work for yourself by creating what she calls "more options"....Just disregard her unwanted advice. If she brings it up again, you could say in a nice but even voice that you already have the party planned, you want to keep it simple. Thats it. You don't have to explain yourself any more then that. I wish you the best!
 
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July 28, 2005, 2:05 pm CDT

Dear "played"

Quote From: played

It seems that cheating, lying men are running about in great numbers. My, now ex, husband declared he wanted a divorce because he didn't love me anymore and wanted to go work

on/ find himself.  

 

Of course that was a lie and I knew it. I knew where the woman worked that I felt he was seeing, I had even seen her, but did not know her name. He even admitted at one point tht he was inolved with another woman, but then said he made that up to hurt me.

 

Months after the divorce was final he called and wanted to talk. He thought we should try to get back together. We decided to work things out. Of course, don't you know, he had been celibate all of this time, blah, blah, blah. I really should have never done this. For now I have concrete proof that he was with this woman (27 years younger than he) long before I our divorce papers were even filed.

 

He continues to lie and lie. I told him I have proof, but he won't cave until I show it to him. He insists very emphatically that he will NEVER admit he had an affair because he didn't. So with this attitude I can no longer even try to go on with him.

 

I just need to know how to get the strength to just stay away from him. I KNOW I need to. I've started back in counseling to help me with that.

 

Advice?

 

I've already done the church thing, the singles group thing, the dating thing, the staying busy thing. But all I want is to be with him. God, what is wrong with this? With me?

 

I just ordered two books on how to break addiction to a person. 

 

I feel now that I am just a waiting spot in his life. That he waiting for something else to come along or for that slut to take him back. He denies of course, but he is such an accomplished liar I find myself not believing ANYTHING he says. I need to break my connection with him.

 

HELP!

Girl, there is nothing wrong with you!! There is something wrong with him...he is a very skilled liar and manipulator, and it is GOOD that you already know this-- but since you know this, you have to believe in yourself and get away from this man. You have precious women's intuition for very important reasons- you have an inner voice that guides you, what you need to do is listen to it carefully. Its good that you have ordered books to try to help yourself, but what would happen if the next time he called and wanted to get together, you simply said, "no"...? I urge you to try it, and don't call back. You've got to make a resolution with yourself to stop this back and forth thing with him, because what you feel to be true most likely is; that you are just a waiting spot.

 

It must be very difficult to look him in the eye when he won't even admit to you that he was with another woman...just because he won't admit it doesn't mean he didn't, and you already know this. You have the inner strength to do this!! You do have it in you, you just don't know it yet. Keep trying to keep yourself busy, keep trying to improve yourself, but most important, listen to your inner voice and LOVE yourself! Once you can truly love and respect yourself, other people will, too. Take care and I wish you the best, because you do deserve it.

 
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July 28, 2005, 2:25 pm CDT

Dear "Confused"

Quote From: confused

new to this but going to try it out...  I don't feel like there has been an infidelity but my husband thinks so.. Back in 1984 when we started dating he had several women on his list and I just wanted to date one guy.  And I told him that, well he assumed that I wasn't seeing anyone else and about 12 years later into our marriage he finds out that during that time I slept with some men..  But I felt back then if he could do it so can I.. But I never shared with him, not that he told me all about his. So now here it is 2005 and he is still having a problem with it, we have been married 17 years and have oe child together.  He says it goes and comes in his mind or when he sees one of these men, it brings it all back to him. I didn't want to tell them there names but he hounded me and made me cry so much one night that I told him to get him to shut up and now it is like it never ends.  I feel like I haven't done anything wrong because we weren't married at the time...  But he says part of him loves me and a part of him hates me...  I have tried to get him to go to counseling but he won't.  I have gone and they told me he is the one with the problem..  Any advice out there for me..  cause I really Love hIm..

Wow your husband has some issues!! Talk about holding a grudge, huh???

 

I'm just curious, when you ask him to come to marriage counceling and he won't go, what are his reasons? What is he afraid of, since he thinks that it is YOU who caused the problem...I'm thinking that maybe you could ask him to go to marriage counceling again, then let him say his excuse why he won't go, and you have something to say to counter-act his excuse, Like if he says "no, I'm not the one who needs to go because you are the one who slept with other men..." (or whatever he will say!!) You can reply to him, "yes dear but talking to a councelor together could help you learn the steps we need to take for you to learn forgiveness..." Or something simular to that...

 

I'm thinking that your husband must be a pretty miserable person if he is choosing to hold onto this matter, making a much bigger deal out of it then it is...also, perhaps he is the type of person who just can't accept happiness for himself, perhaps he has self esteem issues and deep down he feels that, for whatever reason, he doesn't deserve to be happy; so when he starts to feel some happiness, he will bring up this subject to destroy that happiness. This is a very sad way to live, for both of you... You say that you really love him, but do you respect him? This is a man who has been bringing up the past for many, many years, making you feel ashamed and cry, etc., why would he hurt you in this way over and over? He is miserable so he wants you to be miserable too...or maybe he keeps bringing it up since he has no other "dirt" on you because he wants to drive you away...Thats a possibility. Whatever the case is, I urge you to seek therepy again for yourself. This must be very depressing for you, and although your husband does has his own issues, you can never, ever change him, you can only change yourself and how you react to him. That is something that you can learn by talking to a councelor. It can be very  helpful to talk with a professional, someone who has already seen and heard "it all" who can guide you towards what steps needed to take to find true happiness. Because you really are not happy right now, right? But please know that you do deserve happiness, you don't deserve this treatment at all.

 
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July 28, 2005, 2:33 pm CDT

What about your sister??!!

Quote From: ctackett01

I feel I should tell my sister but, there are a lot of things that is stopping me.  First of all she is on medication for depression, and I don't want her to end up in a mental inst. Next, after I told her husband that nothing would happen their releationship all of a sudden got better.  I feel really unconfterable around him but it is not like I can keep from seeing him. My son loves him to death and I know that my sister would be really hurt, and I don't want her to take it the wrong way and be mad at me?  Does this sound reasonable or does it sound like I am making up excuses?

A couple of things you said in your post do sound like excuses to me: first, that your sister is on meds for depression and your concerned that if you told her about her hubby she would end up in an institution-- well you just said before that her husband was pretty useless anyway, that he didn't do a thing with the family and he was crabbing at her when she couldn't clean because of a broken arm-- perhaps HE is why she is depressed!! Second: Your son loves him "to death"...this is something that has to change. Your brother in law has manipulated your son to "love him" alot just to get to YOU...not because he cares for your son...You are the mother, you make the rules- you say no your not going and don't go.

 
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July 29, 2005, 3:12 pm CDT

hi macase...

Quote From: macase

I have been with my husband for 13 yrs now. Its been very rocky. I found out after being married for 2 yrs that he was bi-sexual. I really thought I could handle this since he told me that he only liked looking at men, nothing sexual. This has dramatically changed over the years. He is now into the gay sites on the internet and trying to set up meetings with other gay or bi-sexual men. This really scared me so in return I went looking for someone else. Im sure this wasnt the right choice to make. I told my husband several years ago I couldnt deal with this anymore and that I wanted a divorce. He has yet to give me one. We still live in the same house as I am trying to get through college so I will be able to make it on my own. He has been the sole provider for years and likes me being at home. How are you suppose to compete with other men when your a woman? Should one have to live like this? All I want is a divorce so I can move on with my life. On top of him being bi-sexual he is very verbally and mentally abusive. He has me at the point in my life where I just dont feel good about myself anymore. I am lucky to have found this other man. He is my best friend. My mother passed away over 2 yrs ago and I found no support from my husband at all and I truly believe this was the final straw for me. Am I right to want out?

Margaret(macase)

Wow...him being with another man is definatly a deal breaker!! Its amazing that you have tolerated this relationship for 13 years. My advice to you is to make a plan to get out of this marriage. You deserve more then this, you deserve a loving, caring, nurturing partner. Even if your plan must be long term, make it- it will give you something to look forward to, like a "light at the end of the tunnel" for you. Even if you have to have a change of lifestyle, its worth it to be free and happy. I wish you the best. Yes, you are right to want out,  you can never change his desires for other men!

 
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July 30, 2005, 12:58 pm CDT

blended family.......

Quote From: wifeandmom

I am the mom of a 13-year-old. I was remarried 2 years after being a single mom for 11 years. I raised my son the best that I knew how which I thought was wonderful! My son is a loving, caring, happy young man. As a single mom, we did everything together. My husband feels that I spoiled him to the point of him being self-centered, irresponsible, and not going to amount to anything but an adult child living at home. An example of a situation: when I suggest we play a game as a family, my husband accuses me of just wanting to entertain my son. I really miss the happiness and togetherness that I used to have with my son. My husband continually says that I must push my son to be more independent but that seems to mean let him be by himself and figure out how to entertain himself. We do things as a family but only if the idea comes from my husband. I feel there may be competetive feelings coming from my husband and possibly resentment of any time that I may want to spend with my son. I have asked my husband if that may be true and he denies it. I do want to say that my husband has so much to offer my son and us as a family. He is a very responsible husband and provider and a great role model for my son. I just wish that there could be a middle ground with some carefree playfulness as well as the lessons that need to be learned. I am currently looking for a family counselor and there are so many out there, I just don't know how to narrow it down. Does anyone have any sugestions for finding a good family therapist?

Wow, this must be so difficult for you!! When your husband says the comments, like you only want to play a game to entertain your son, does he say that in front of your son, and does your son pick up on this animosity? Even if he doesn't, I'm sure that your son feels the tension/animosity between the two of you, and he most likely feels confused and wondering how could he make things better for you, mom....which is a very sad way to feel for him.

 

Its great that you are looking for a family councelor, yes it can feel overwhelming when there are so many...but I urge you to just pick one ASAP...if you meet the councelor and you don't 'click', then you just pick another one. This happened to me- I didn't click with my first councelor that I tried, and it turned me off from counceling for a few years, but now looking back on it-- I can admit that at that time in my life I used it as an excuse to not go to counceling because I think that at that point in my life I was not ready to accept happiness for myself. I hope this isn't the case for you!! I'm sure its not, you are torn between two people you love very, very much.  It sounds like there are so many other things that are going good for you in your life, your marriage, etc., so please don't waste another day, call and make an appt. with a therepist NOW.

 
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August 1, 2005, 9:34 am CDT

Cheating spouse..............

Quote From: whskywmn33

As I said before, it is rather dificult for me to get out and safely drive; due to a medical condition.  I think he takes advantage of this. He knows every 2 weeks I am not comfortable driving long distances, if I have to I take side streets and avoid the highway.  Should I continue to trust my instinct? I believe I should.  As for the computer at his work, he had told me that only his coworkers e-mail him and me. Then he says he got an e-mail from his brother. That's no big deal; what is is the fact that he has lied about it. HIs brother doesn't work for his company. If he has lied about that, I'm most certain he has lied about other isssues. For instance, One day we were talking about having sex in his office and I said I would want it cleaned before we do. Since other people (bosses) have access to the office, you never know what they are doing behind closed doors. He didn't say anything, but looked down with a guoilty look on his face. That told me, he has entertained other people in his office. What would you think if you had this conversation with your husband and he reacted the same way? Asking him won't get me anywhere for he will deny it and say I don't trust him.  Which at this point is true.  I can recall another time when I was talking on the phone with a friend. We were discussing how her boyfriend had chated on her. When I got off he said to me "you know nothings going on, right?"   No man says that or says "prove that I am not" without actually being guilty of the act. What do oyu think?  Should I come right out and tel him I don't need proof to tell me of your guilt for you have done it yourself? or should I loet it lie and hope that I find substantial evidence? Still confused on how to handle this, but not blind nor dumb. How do I get the trtith out of him?  

I think you need to trust your instinct. Way too often, we women dismiss our instincts...we ignore that little voice in the back of our heads, we ignore that heavy feeling in our heart/chest when we KNOW we have caught our spouse lieing about something....don't ever ignore your instincts!! You have sufficient reasons to be suspicious, I know that I would be very suspicious if I were you. Do you have a close friend or family member who you could have drive you to his work to "surprise" him with dinner? Your friend/family member doesn't need to know your real purpose if you don't want to tell them, just let them know you feel like doing something special for your husband since he won't be home for dinner.

Even if there is no way you can get there to catch him red handed, I still say to trust  your instincts. As you said, asking or telling him that you think or know he is having an affair will only bring on his denial, so what are your other options? The only one I can think of is asking him to come to marriage counceling with you. The purpose of the marriage counceling will be to learn how to communicate better, learn how to put the "newness" back into your marriage, and if needed- how to forgive and move forward, or, if you can't forgive, then just how to move forward. If he won't go to councleing...you have an answer...if he won't go, that means he must have something to hide. Also, if he wont go, I urge you to go for yourself. It will be very helpful for you to talk with a professional to figure out the reasons why you have tolerated this behavior and how can you change this. I wish you the best.

 

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