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Messages By: jenoc99
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November 2, 2006, 11:14 am PST
 Quote From: lynnskidoodle God! I am so frustrated and tired. I am doing everything I can to try and make this whole mess that is my life bearable for my children. I found a place to move to in 2 weeks. We went and looked at it last night (the kids and I) and my daughter is upset because the bedrooms are too small and her brother's getting the better bedroom. She's upset because she saw me go on the Dr. Phil website and click on the link that brings me to this message board "DIVORCE". She's upset because there's not enough food in the house (lots to eat, just not much convenience foods - you actually have to cook it!). She's upset because she forgot her sweater.... I know she's acting out her frustrations, fears, sadness... but because I am the only parent around (he comes home maybe once a week now and does not call the kids, doesn't even attempt to involve himself in their well-being) I am getting the brunt of it. She even said to me (I'm sure I'll hear this more than once in the future) "If Alex gets that bedroom then I'll just go live with Dad". I want to scream and shout and just "lose it". But I can't. I have to be there for my kids. I want to ask them to think of me and the pain that maybe I'm going through - but it's not their job to worry about me. How do I stay sane with all this insanity around me. My son can't wait for us to move because he doesn't even want to be in our house anymore. The fact that his father never comes back is I guess to tough to deal with. He sleeps over at his friends more than he does at home. Then last night when we went to look at the place we are moving to, he asked me which furniture I would be taking and I started telling him. My son, who idolizes his father - the father I created with all the lies and all the cover-ups through the years so my kids would not see their real dad - turns around and says to me "Well, you better talk to Dad first cause he might want that couch or that chair and he deserves to get it!" What do I deserve????? To be the only one that the kids can lash out on. To be the only one to see or hear their pain while the man who should love them, who should care about them just fades away completely?? When he walked out the other night, he made it clear that I am no good. Me and my awful habits. I am useless because all I do is watch TV and read. "I have my beer, you have your TV and your books. Guess I'll never be your couch potato and you'll never be my drinking buddy." I am getting more and more bitter and angry. Must be nice to have the freedom of choice. Choose to remove yourself, choose to drink rather than face reality, choose to walk out the door with no thought or concern for your kids. I am truly hating my life right now. Oh wow- that comment that your son made regarding the furniture must have really hurt your feelings. How did you react? Did you say/do anything, or did you just stay silent? In my experience, your best bet is to give no reaction at this point. I know that you are feeling unappreciated right now, but please know this: someday your kids will reflect on this and they will appreciate you. Your children aren’t little anymore, they are old enough to understand that sometimes there are events in life that are not in your control, and the only thing a person can do is to adjust and move forward with that change. Right now, the change is dad isn’t at home anymore; he isn’t around drinking/being drunk all the time, he isn’t verbally or physically abusing you in the home. That is a good thing! There are many negative aspects to all of these changes; but having your home free of abuse is positive. It is so important that you stay strong and be a positive role model for your kids. By leaving this alcoholic, abusive marriage, you are modeling to your children that women deserve more respect than what you were getting. They are mad that their lives are being turned over; that is understandable- but your whole life has also been turned upside down, and you should point that out to both of them. While they are complaining about the upcoming changes; it is okay for you to speak up and say, in a calm voice, that you understand their feelings because your whole life is changing too. Ask for them to work with you instead of against you. I’m just curious to know why your son gets the bigger bedroom? Your daughter is resisting change and her complaints about the room situation are her ways to verbalize her frustration. It might help if you try to talk to her in an adult-to-adult way, in a matter-of-fact way, explaining the logistics of why he gets the bigger room. Then, tell her that you know she is frustrated about these changes, but to please realize that your whole life is changing, too. This would be a good time to talk to her about never tolerating abusive treatment in relationships. Stay strong! You will have good days and you will have bad days, but always know that you are doing the best thing for yourself and your kids by moving forward. If you find yourself buying into your husband’s crap about how you brought this all on yourself because you asked him to change- remember that is just his lame excuse to blame someone, anyone, for his troubles! Wouldn’t it be great if we all could blame someone else for everything that goes wrong in our lives? That is typical alcoholic behavior. My last advice is very important; please consider seeking professional therapy for yourself. Your whole life is changing, and you deserve some guidance- consider it a gift to yourself, something that you will never regret. Best wishes. |
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November 2, 2006, 11:29 am PST
Quote From: chris1046 I dont know what Im so afraid of. Why cant I just let go and file for a divorce. After all the intimidation, bullying, yelling and fighting all in front of our children. Why am I finding it so hard to file. I left six months ago but cant seem to take the final step. He says he changed, but hes said that so many times, how could I ever believe him. His family thinks that Im dragging this on and seeing some one else. But thats just not the case. Hes threatned my life if were to see anyone else. Why would I be so stupid! He thinks that I'm giving up all my responsiblity like being a wife and mother. I sometimes wonder what will happen to me without him controlling me all of the time. When we first got together 21 years ago. My mother told him that he saved my life (I was doing drugs and such) and he's always brought that up to me. So I do think about what will happen to me without him. What will happen to our children, he was always the long arm of the law. I'm sort of lax when it comes to disciplining our children, age 17 & 15. I've been to a counsler, only once and really need to return to help me sort things out. He also has mentioned going to counsling just to try and save our marriage. We went a few years ago. He thought that I new the first counsler, so we had to pick another. We only went four times and really did not accomplish much. Well any way I think about going back and getting out for good everyday. I know that I'm the only one that can make that decision. Just looking for support I guess?? So confused??? I'm I wrong for not wanting to try to make it work anymore?? Your conflicting feelings are understandable; things are never as cut-and-dried as they first appear. Let me first say to you, you are NOT wrong for feeling that you don’t want to try to make this marriage work; from your description, you have been mistreated for a long time, and you should be pretty sick and tired of it by now- totally understandable! As for his family thinking that you are ‘dragging this on and seeing someone else…’ OH whatever! That is almost laughable, isn’t it? His family sounds like the toxic, dysfunctional type of people; the people who always need to think others are up to no good, that they are the actual, real victims in life- and they can never be wrong. This is just more proof for you that they will never change. I know that it hurts- it hurts because you have known these people for so long, you would think they would be able to see this isn’t an easy thing for you. However, these are his relatives, so their ‘loyalty’ is with him, and you can’t expect to receive any reasonable support from them. When/if your husband brings up your mother’s words from 21 years ago, train yourself to tune him out! My goodness, he sure did ‘save’ your life….at first the relationship saved you from your own destructive behaviors, but then, as time went on, the relationship became a new destructive behavior for you. Essentially, you stopped abusing yourself and began allowing someone else to do it for you- its time to make the decision to stop this madness! Please consider seeking therapy for yourself, by yourself- the only person that you can ever change is you. You have some self-defeating thoughts and you need to learn how to get over that type of thinking. It isn’t easy, but it is worth the hard work! You are a survivor, you deserve to experience true happiness and be free from harm. Don’t allow your husband or his negative relatives drag you down- they don’t deserve that power over you! Stand strong, be good to yourself, because if you aren’t, who will be? |
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November 2, 2006, 12:58 pm PST
Quote From: lollapop I am 26years old and almos married for a year. My husband has a son of 7years. I don't have any kids of my own. My husband don't want to give me my own child and I don't know what to do. He had an operasion to prevent him from having kinds but it can be fixed. His son is really a hand full but I still love him to death but I am going out of my mind of knowing that I am not going to have my own kid one day. You just said that your husband does not want to have any more children, and he has had an operation so that he can't make you pregnant. Why did you marry this man, knowing that he couldn't have children, and knowing how badly you want to have children of your own? Also, you mention that his operation can be reversed, but keep in mind that it doesn't always work. Vasectomy-reversal is a very expensive procedure that isn't covered by insurance, and it has a high incidence of failure. But most of all, your husband won't have this operation unless he WANTS to have it. There is no way you can force him to want to have a baby with you. It is very sad that you are going to go without experiencing the joy of having your own, biological child, or, you will have to leave this marriage. |
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