Messages By: jenoc99

When your husband cheated on you, you guys had only known one another for one month, far too early to know if the relationship would be permanent! I know its hearbreaking to find out that he cheated, but to continue to think he's cheating is only hurting YOU. You don't deserve to punish yourself like this everyday! I don't think that this is the root of all of your problems, though...I think the root of your problems is your feelings of low self esteem and insecurity. You've got to tell your husband exactly what it is that he can do to make you feel more secure and confidant that he won't cheat ever again, that is the only way to get over this! It doesn't just go away, it would be nice if it did-- but it takes hard work. I'm sure that if he promised never to do it again, that wouldn't be enough, you've got to have evidence that you can actually see and feel. Maybe he needs to give you more compliments? Dr. Phil's book, "relationship rescue" is really great, I recommend that for you and your  husband...it can help both of you learn how to have a happier, more secure relationship. You deserve to be happy!! Its okay to forgive him...its a risk, but one that you can't afford not to take. Also, marriage counceling would be good for you, too...if he won't go, as often men refuse...I highly urge you to go for yourself, because you need to learn the reasons why you even married a man who cheated on you. You are the one suffering because of this, you are the only person who can do anything to make this better. Start taking action now, get dr. phil's book and seek counceling. You won't regret it!! 

Girl, I think its only natural to be a little "obsessive" about this-- these people have "dumped" you, given you no actual reason that you can understand, and they are spreading nasty things about you. It would only be human to obsess a bit about your situation! Like you said, its never happened to you before.  

I'm willing to bet you will come out of this a better person. You are willing to examine yourself and your actions, to admit your faults, and to do your best to try to be a better person. This person and her mother sound like hurtful, manipulative people, its actually quite childish. I know its easy to say "forget about them!" but hard to really do that, because this has been very hurtful for  you.  

Have you read any of dr. Phil's books? His books "life strategies" and "self matters" are both really good, you should read either one of them. Its helpful to have guidance when you are going through a personal growing spurt, thats what I felt I was going through when I read the books.  

Listen, you can try to define the meaning of "toxic friend" for the rest of your life, but its not going to help you to heal and move forward...it doesn't really matter what the real definition is, its different for each person who uses the term. For reasons that are not understandable, these people don't want to be your friend any longer. Its their loss...move forward and enjoy the friends you do have. I wish you the best!! You will be happy and have many more friendships. 

You might not ever know what the real, true reasons why your mom acts this way, but it does sound like she has some jelousy and possesiveness towards you. What was her childhood like, what was her life like when she was your age? Did she miss out on things, because if so, she could be jelous that now you are living the life of a teen that she didn't get to live.  

When you buy things and she wants to know about what it is, is it out of concern that you are wasting money? Does she try to guide you towards being frugal or staying on a budget...or is it all just because she is very nosy? It would be good if the reasons why she is concerned about what you buy is because she wants to teach you the value of a dollar....however it sounds more like she has the attitude that, "this is my home and you do what I say, just because!"  

Its possible that your mom is jelous, but she has allowed your gf to move in, right? Is she nice to her? Is is possible to talk to your mom, like when she is quizzing you about your purchases, say something like, "mom, I know you are concerned about my budget, but why do you need to know everything I buy?" It doesn't have to be a fight, just a conversation so that you can understand her better. You are at the age where you relationship with your mother is going from parent/child to adult/adult now, it can be a rough time when you are figuring out how to assert your adulthood onto your parent. I wish you the best!! 

Yes, mom...its going to take alot of time and money!! Is your daughter on medication for her depression? Is her therepist aware of your daughter's attempt to get pregnant? Thats what she's doing...she has low self esteem, and she thinks that if she gets pregnant, her boyfriend won't leave her...which is very flawed thinking. She sounds desperate for your time. Its time to take her home. You need to know where she is every hour of every day and what she is doing. Stop blaming yourself and start taking action. Kids can't raise themselves, teens definatly can't raise themselves, even though they think they know what they want. She is displaying self destructive behavior by having unprotected sex, and thats because she doesn't think she is worthy of having a healthy and happy life. You might want to find an alternative therepist, someone who specializes in teens and self destructive behavior, not just depression, because there should be some results from her therepy by now. Sometimes, a person and their therepist just don't "click", and that might be what is happening with your daughter. Ask her. This is going to harder before it gets easier! 

The decision to not have your daughter stay at your MIL's house without you is a good one. You have to listen to your intuition on this...you are right about this woman, something isn't "right" with the way she is.  

Its only natural for a baby to crawl and then walk, and to drink from a sippy cup and then from a regular cup!! It sounds like she is desperate for attention, any kind of attention, even from a baby, thats why she will take the baby in another room to be alone with her- because she needs the one on one attention from the baby. I suggest following her when she does that!! She is using the baby to fullfill her needs, and its not healthy for the baby to grow up with the burden of making sure her grandmother is happy, its suppose to be the other way around!!  

Its going to be difficult for your husband to fully realize what his mother is doing because this is the woman he was raised around, so to him, some of her behavior is seen as 'normal' and other behaviors he might know are not normal, yet its just too difficult to admit that the person who is supposed to love you would do things harmful to you and/or your child. Who wants to admit that their own mother is a lieing manipulating sneak? Its not easy. But your husband needs to realize that the happiness of your child is in yours and his hands, and it is in your child's best interest to protect her.  

Keep smiling when you see your MIL and ask her about her life.. usually people like her love to talk about themselves. It is unfortunate that your husband and his mom aren't as close as they used to be, but how do you make another person stop being a liar? You can't. The only thing you can do is change your behavior towards her, as you have been. Is it possible for your husband to point out to her that he knows she has lied about certain things, or from now on could you agree that he will speak up when he knows she isn't being truthfull about things? She lies because she can, so the less she can lie and get away with it, the better off things will be.  

I've had personal experiences simular to yours, thats why I'm able to read the underlying 'stuff'.... I guess its not clear to me why your husband gets upset when you say you don't mind going, but you don't want to stay for hours at a time? Whats so upsetting about that- you are offering a logical compromise for a potentially chaotic situation with his family. He's fully aware of what will happen, there is a very clear pattern of your BIL's verbal abuse and alcoholism, so why stay and tolerate it? There isn't any need to do that. 

As for your neice, what about offering to babysit her, like you suggested taking  her out with you guys or even sleeping over at your house, she's a toddler now, so that would be a wonderful way for your husband to forge a bond with her. Its difficult, if not very near impossible, to have a healthy bond with this neice when the "visiting" is done around all of the family chaos. If you guys take her and do special things with her, creating fun memories for her, she will always remember you guys as saving her from that chaotic family environment- and thats a good thing. Every kid who has an alcoholic parent needs to have other adults in the family willing to take them away from that once in awhile and show her what "normal" really is...otherwise she will grow up thinking that kind of home life is normal, and she will seek out a mate like her father. Then, the cycle starts all over again.  

You are so right about the pattern of your visits returning to how they were...as long as everyone just pretends that things are fine, things are great, then the BIL will continue his rude behavior and others will continue to cover and make excuses for him. Keep your distance. You guys don't have to be in on the enabling! If you return to your same old pattern of going there, its like saying its okay to be treated like crap by him...and its not ok.  

I suggest offering to take the baby for a few hours here and there, and once she gets more familiar with the two of  you, then offer to have her overnight. I don't see how your husband can "see her grow up" otherwise, unless he decides to go there and be a verbal punching bag. I wish you guys the best of luck- whatever you do, don't allow this to affect your relationship with one another! Honestly there might always be some problems or tension with the in-laws, things might never be perfect, but it shouldn't effect your relationship. 

No, you aren't selfish to want more affection! However, there needs to be some way that you can come to terms with the fact that, as you said, thats "just the way he is".... I think that the tension, or feelings of being 'on edge' as you describe when his kids are over, might be due to feelings of low self esteem or low self worth. Your value as a person shouldn't hinge on how much affection your mate gives you, it comes from within YOU. Both of your concerns that you describe can only be solved by you, not some outside source or your fiance. That probably isn't what you want to hear, and of course I'm no professional, but from what I have read in Dr. Phil's books and from my own personal experience, thats my advice to you.  

A very close friend of mine was with a man who was much like you describe your fiance- very good provider, very upstanding and honest man, but he wasn't intimate with her, she finally decided to go to see a therepist due to her depression and after a few months she realized that her self worth wasn't equal to how much intimacy her boyfriend gave her. Its not an easy concept to accept, because I think alot of us women are raised to equate our self worth with men's affection- but they actually don't have much to do with each other. I wish you the best and hope that you can accept the way your boyfriend is, love him with his flaws, or decide you can't and move forward. 

I think I know what Dr. Phil would say, he'd tell you that money problems are what break up most marriages these days, and that to make things work, you BOTH have to be on the same page where  your finances are concerned, or it just won't work. 

You've got to ask yourself some tough questions, such as, what are the facts/reasons why neither of you can hold a job for more then a year? Why did you marry a man who isn't finacially stable? Both of these answers might be the same, is it low self esteem? Perhaps you have a low level depression that leads you to losing jobs due to missing work or poor performance, or low self esteem that lead you to settling for a man you love but who isn't financially stable. You DO deserve to have a sense of security within your marriage, and that has nothing to do with age! Many, many people hold full time jobs from the time they are old enough to work. Your difference in age doesn't have anything to do with him not holding a job. He doesn't keep a job because he doesn't have to, he probably knows that you will tolerate him being not employed as long as he keeps promising to "try".... I suggest that you read Dr. Phil's book "self matters"... I know that it really helped me alot when I was depressed, and I still have it right here on my nightstand to review from time to time. Best wishes.