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Messages By: ashley91

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July 26, 2005, 4:53 pm CDT

Confused

I have been dating my boyfriend for 15 months. I am 32 and he is 41. I was married once, for 3 years. He's never been married. My relationship with him is 10x's better than my marriage. We have told each other we love each other, and since our first date, have spent every weekend together. Last year, he invited me back home with him for 2 weeks, for Christmas. After our one year mark passed, I asked him if he saw a future for us. He told me he would be upfront (as he was when we first started dating, but I wasn't thinking marriage then anyway),  that he didn't feel like he needed to get married. His reasons are: He's already 41, set in his ways, he's afraid of disappointing, financial reasons, doesn't think he's good at sex, and thinks he would irritate another person by his living habits of staying up late, spending time alone. When I told him that HE is making the decision for ME by saying that, he said he never thought of it that way, and opened his mind to my statement. His mom left him, his sister and brother when they were 8, 10, and 12. They were raised by their father, seeing their mother once in a while. His two siblings are now married, but only within the last 4 years. When I asked him if living together is out of the question, he said no, definitely not. He lives alone and is struggling financially. He said all he thinks about is work and how he can try to get it together. He is always talking about things for us to do in the future like visiting his family, going fishing, etc. We have a beautiful, respectful relationship. He is the most gentle man I've ever met and he always validates my feelings. We never fight. We may have a slight argument, but we handle it maturely. He is the most honest man I've ever met as well. He's very sweet and shy. I love him so much it hurts. My question is: What is your opinion on everything I've told you? This relationship is too good and too precious to me to throw away, just because my concerns about us ever getting married are in my head. I don't even know if this worry is being caused by the pain of my first marriage not working out. I'm just confused.
 
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October 18, 2005, 3:08 pm CDT

Here's more info

Quote From: gina_nick

Honey, he's into you, just not that into you! Living together is one thing, marriage is a whole other! He likes you to be around, maybe help financially, but he may never marry you. Some people are just that way. They don't want to be married. He may be with you til you die, he just doesn't want to be married! I am not saying I am right or wrong. Just my opinion! 

  

Recently, we talked again, & said he too has thought of a future for us & also gets excited. He said he's thought of having kids as well, but would only want to do it if he could afford to. Then he said he thinks, "Well, no, because I know how I can be", as far as him considering himself a workaholic. I know he's concerned about not being able to be the husband he thinks a husband should be. But I'm not saying he should stop doing what he likes as far as hobbies and work goes. And we agreed that right now, we're both happy with the balance we have between work and seeing each other when we can. He told me "Let's keep trying". He said he's trying to find a balance between us being together and him getting his things done. I did mention living together to which he said is not out of the question, but I'd prefer marriage, kids or no kids. Then I think, my marriage didn't work and this relationship is so much better so maybe living together isn't all that different. I doubt his family would go for it, though. They're old fashioned and I think he might not want them looking down on him. I believe he'd stay with me til I die. Definitely. Am I making too much of this? We love each other very much and share a very special relationship. We've been dating now for 1 year and 6 months, but only having serious talks in the last 5 months. Plus, in the very beginning, we had no idea if it was going to last.
 
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October 18, 2005, 3:11 pm CDT

I understand

Quote From: norcal2314

i was just wanting to see if anyone could give me some advice.  My boyfriend and i have been together for 1 year and are currently living together.  we both talk about getting married and our future together, but we both seem to have trust issues.  we met under weird circumstances where i was finishing up ending a previous relationship, so i can understand why he may question it in the back of his mind.  but for some reason i keep questioning him and hes never done anything.  i get so scared of him getting bored and looking elsewhere and when hes with his friends doing things that he wont tell me about, and i cant seem to let go of it.  hes tired of being questioned all the time for no reason and i dont blame him at all, i would be too.  i just didnt realize how much i did it.  i am just curious if any one else has had this type of situation and how they over came it.  this has been the longest relationship hes been in, so he says that should show me something.  which i understand also, i just dont know how to start to overcome my insecurities and fears so i can stop pushing him away.
I understand how you feel. The only thing I'm concerned about is you having said he does things with his friends and doesn't tell you. I see now where your worries are coming from. He should be an open book. A man who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. He needs to tell you what they do. You deserve to know.
 
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October 18, 2005, 3:24 pm CDT

More info

Quote From: trinket

  

  

  What part of  " I'm not ready to get married" Don't you get ?   This is a MAN, a real one.  Someone who knows he needs more than just a live in honey to make a home.  He's from the old school, and if you want to keep him-- You better back off the "Bicycle Built for Two".  (It's a song about getting married poor )  let him  

  

 "When I asked him if living together is out of the question, he said no, definitely not. He lives alone and is struggling financially. He said all he thinks about is work and how he can try to get it together." 

  

   LISTEN TO HIM !!!!  

He is old school. I'm not pressuring him. I just wanted to know if he was on the same page as me at all. He recently told me that he too, gets excited when he thinks of a future for us and then said he thinks "Well, no, because I know how I can get" regarding work. I thought I made it obvious that we will still do our own things, living together or not. I see he's concerned about not being good at marriage as he said because of how he thinks he can irritate another person with his work habits and projects & getting wrapped up in them.  He's a creative person and that doesn't bother me at all. He also recently told me he's thought of everything regarding us, including kids. He said "Well, let's keep trying" when I told him I was concerned about us not wanting the same thing in life. I've met his family & like them very much and feel very comfortable with them. He's met my parents. He always includes me in family things. He wants me to meet his aunt and uncle in another state. My problem lies in how long do I wait? I don't want to break up with him. I pray for him every day and for us and have actually gotten some pretty strong spiritual signs that are positive regarding us staying together.  But also, it's cheaper to live together than alone. So that part I don't get.  

 
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October 18, 2005, 4:10 pm CDT

Not good at it

I am 32, my boyfriend is 41. He's almost avoided sex with me because he thought he wasn't good at it. He wouldn't last very long, but it was ok with me as long as he still tried to be intimate with me. That's what's important. He apologized numerous times when he couldn't continue & each and every time, I'd tell him it's ok. He's totally loosened up about it now and even initiates it. He told me he diverted from it  in the past because that's what people do when they don't think they're good at something.  Maybe it has to do with our age difference also, and him feeling pressured. Anyway, the change in him is so great, I think. My question now is, do you think it's possible he will see things differently when it comes to marriage/living together, to which he also said he didn't think he'd be good at because he's the creative type who can get caught up in his work/projects. He's told me he's thought of everything with us, even having kids, but that he's a confused person. He keeps going back and forth in his mind because he's concerned he can't be the husband he should be due to his workaholic ways, as he calls them. I just see the change in our sex life and in his opening up to it and can't help but think he will one day open up and realize that he doesn't need to change in order to get married, because I love him the way he is now, even if he's off working for several hours. He's so wonderful and always calls me, even several times. That's all I ask for. I just want to share life with him....not change him.
 
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October 18, 2005, 4:49 pm CDT

Living Together

I am 32, my boyfriend of 1 year & 6 months is 41 and has never been married. I was married once for 3 years. No kids. He's never been in a relationship this long.  We have discussed marriage/living together. When we first began dating, he told me he guesses he won't get married because he's 40 & set in his ways.  At that time, I didn't know if I wanted that anyway, so I didn't think much of it.  Later, he told me he didn't feel like he needed to get married when I asked him months later if he saw a future for us. Then he said he was thinking that "right now" and in the same conversation, when I told him I thought his mentioning of a house now and then had to do with us one day living together, he said, "Oh, well, maybe we will." He sounds confused, doesn't he? He told me he considers himself a workaholic & thinks it would annoy another person. Apparently, him working a lot was an issue with an ex- girlfriend. Other reasons are his age, and that he has no money. He lives alone & is struggling. This relationship is unbelieveably better than my marriage. We've told each other we love each other, he invited me last  Xmas back home to another state for 2 weeks, where I got to know his family. He has a brother (43) and a sister (39). Both married only 4 years ago. Their mom left them when they were all under the age of 10. He's met my parents. When I asked him if living together was out of the question, he said "No, definitely not" and squeezed me. He did tell me I'm on a fast track when I told him I can't date him forever. I know he's afraid...he's mentioned all the people he knows who are divorced, including myself and his and my parents. I recently found out that he's thought of everything for us, including kids. He told me he's a confused person. He said he doesn't like to disappoint people. He goes back & forth about marriage because he's concerned about not being good at marriage or living together, but moreso on marriage. When I recently told him I'm concerned about us not wanting the same thing, he said "Let's keep trying." He's also told me he's trying to find a balance between doing his work/projects and being together. He was surprised to learn that I am currently happy with the balance. I also told him "You're deciding for me", when he told me he didn't think a person would want to put up with his workaholic ways. He then said, "Oh, I didn't think of it like that." Also, he's avoided sex with me in the past because he told me he didn't think he was good at it. He wouldn't last very long & was always apologizing. I always reassured him, because to me, it's about the bond, not pure sex. He would feel as if he disappoointed me. As time went on, he completely loosened up and began initiating sex. I couldn't believe the change in him, based on my reassurance, I think, so it really makes me wonder about him also feeling more confident in us one day marrying/living together & getting over his issues about that. I also remember him telling me, "Oh great, she's coming over and she's going to want to get it on and I won't be able to." Or, he told me sometimes "a person just wants to go to sleep." I told him of course and that we won't always be in the mood, although I always am. Ha! Ha! He mentions things for us to do in the future a lot. Trips, etc. He wants me to meet his aunt and uncle in another state as well. We're together every weekend and have been since we met. He is very sensitive to my feelings & validates me. If I bring something up to him, he is immediately attentive and observant the next time the issue comes around. He's naturally like that. He highly values conversation also and is a very detail oriented person. We talk every day. I found out both of us have never called another person "baby" or "honey", etc. which I think is so sweet. He gives me his undivided attention if I want to talk. He's the most honest person. From the beginning, he was an open book, allowing me to open his mail, see who was calling on caller i.d., hang over his shoulder while he emailed, etc.  

  

My questions is this: Based on my summary, do you see hope and do you think this man needs me to be patient since he's never been married and never dated anyone as long as me, and that maybe I'm rushing things? We've only seriously talked about marriage/living together in the last 6 months, 2 or 3 times. He's obviously  a confused person and has even told me such. I love him dearly & what we have. I'm not afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of not having him in my life. He's the sweetest, most loving man I've ever loved. I treasure our relationship.  We have a wonderful one. But I honestly am concerned about the marriage/living together issue. For me, it's about sharing our lives & being under the same roof and just knowing that that person is going to be there that night.  

 
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December 20, 2005, 9:44 pm CST

Should I be concerned?

I have been with my boyfriend for 1 1/2 years I am 32, he is 41. He's lived alone for 14 years & has never dated anyone this long. I'm the 1st girl he's brought home to his family & will again this year for Xmas.  He's been an open book with me since day 1 & he's loyal, loving, caring, considerate, thoughtful, funny, handsome and intelligent. He loves media & has a huge collection of movies on dvd & vhs. He's really into old classics. I snooped around his collection & found 6 tapes of the show "Strip Poker", which he taped himself, 4 Playboy videos (from the early 90's), a vhs labeled "Celebrity Nude Scenes" and the movie "Showgirls" (which he purchased just last Oct.)  Also, when we first started dating, I saw on his computer 1 file called "nude pics" the other "girl pics". Am I dating a pervert? Is it natural for a 41 year old man who has lived alone for so long to have this stuff? Is he maybe dealing with another issue by having this? His mom left him & his siblings when they were kids. He's very special to me, but I'm worried that this wasn't just a phase. He doesn't have subscriptions to girlie magazines or anything & the movies he's nuts about are old classics & even musicals. He's also a pack rat, and keeps EVERYTHING! I want to know from a neutral party if I should be concerned. Does this sound excessive or is it normal? He knows how I feel about strip clubs, porn, etc. and he's always ready & willing to listen & can always see my side on things. Please advise. I don't know if I'm obsessing over this 1 thing about him that bothers me & trying to find a "perfect" man, or what.
 
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January 13, 2006, 9:02 am CST

Less concerned now

Quote From: artanis000

For a man of his age, his porn collection is not all that bad. How big are the files on the computer? To be honest, I would be more worried if he was in chat rooms, and stuff like that. Just about everyone looks at porn. If he had 30 videos or something like that I would worry. Besides, some of it is obviously from before the two of you were together. If you talk to him about it and he becomes defensive, then there may be a problem. But if he is matter of fact and straight up, then I think he is fine. Men are embarrassed when they get caught looking at porn, so be patient with him. If it bothers you, he should get rid of the collection. If he cares about you, he will. Or, the two of you could look at it together to spice up you love life.
Thanks for your insight. I don't know how big the girl/nude pics files are. I haven't asked him about them yet, but I will. We've been dating almost 2 years. I think if he had a problem, it would have surfaced by now, because he's never hid things from me. He even asked me once if I've ever seen a porn movie & then said "Yeah, I think I have 1 lying around here still." He said it casually as if he doesn't care. I haven't seen any hard core porn videos at his place. Just what I mentioned, and I snooped a little, too, but found nothing else. He never has gotten defensive about anything I've asked him about & he's always open & honest. He is the type of person who would get rid of something if he knew it bothered me so much. Thanks again!
 
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May 8, 2006, 10:31 am CDT

Am I too sensitive?

How long is too long for me to notice my boyfriend looking at someone else while we're out together? A glance? Or just whatever makes me uncomfortable? I've done it too, but men are obvious about it. They tend to stare openly. And I notice practically all of them do it.   

   

Also, my boyfriend loves movies and media, in general. It annoys me that he has movies like "Old School", with topless girls in it, the movie Showgirls...am I too sensitive? He has Playboy stuff from like 10 years ago, and I know he doesn't collect or tape that stuff anymore, but it still bothers me that he was a sucker for it in the past. I guess maybe I'm way more conservative than he is. Can our relationship work in the long run if I'm constantly being annoyed by women in our society and he isn't? I'm even losing sleep because I wake up in the middle of the night, thinking of the topless scene and how uncomfortable it makes me that he saw it, or about a comment he made in the past which I thought was rude to me, yet it happened nearly two years ago and I still dwell on it because I never called him on it. He's always totally open to talking and to seeing my side of things and will say "good point" and "you're right", even about some of my women's issues. I just don't know if it's me or him.   

 
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May 8, 2006, 10:51 am CDT

How much longer?

My boyfriend is 42 and I'm 33. We've been together 2 years. We've talked about living together. I know there should be a time limit, but I think it's different for everyone. I'm always the one who brings up this topic. I know he's concerned about being able to provide, but it's cheaper if we find an apt. and pay $1300/mo., than live separately and pay $750 each. He has sooooooooo much stuff in his apt., and right now, we'd need a huge house to be able to hold it all. I don't have much. I'm a minimalist. He's a packrat. He's trying to get rid of some things, but it's a slow process. It seems hard for him to get rid of things. He has this just in case mentally. He's lived in CA. for 14 years, alone, from another state,  and I know he's concerned about being a good partner due to his workaholic ways, which don't really bother me, because I enjoy my alone time, too. I guess I'm tired of being the one to always bring up living together. I wish he'd say something. I've gotten to know his family and all, too. He's never been married. I'm divorced, no kids. He's never dated anyone this long and told me this is all new to him. That's all sweet and fine and dandy, but when is HE going to bring this up on his own, ya know? If he's waiting for the perfect job, it may never come. When I hear of other people who are getting married or living together, I tear up. I want us to live together and have a life together, but I don't want to wait 5 years! He's aware of this and feels bad about it and wants to live together, but I have no time frame to go by, no goals that have been set. Practically speaking, with all his crap, I don't know how we'd do it.
 

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