Messages By: buckleypat

Quote From: branrw21

great viewpoint! 

  

What was it like to be in the audience? I'm going to get tickets soon so I was just curious. 

Quote From: gallen

I appreciate your insightful comments, thank you. 

Since you were there when we did the taping, you were present for much more 

of our time with Dr. Phil than will most likely air Tuesday. Kelly and I are wagering 

between us - will I come off looking like a hero, or a zero. You don't ever know how 

the show will air after the production team pieces things together. We have been 

keeping in touch with our friends that were at the taping also, James and Amy. 

  

I decided a while back that perfection is in the eyes of the beholder and is also a function 

of present circumstances of life. Since the first show, I have really tried to put away the 

measuring calipers and white gloves - there are more important things to occupy my time. 

As you point out in your post, it would take an immense amount of energy to be so controlling. 

  

  

Quote From: skyebean

We live in a judgmental and reactive world, and I think it's irrelevant how you come across to the world. I think the real service done is having Dr. Phil move beyond the polarities of right and wrong, and concentrate on the fact that Grant and Kelly are two people who are suffering, and have both the desire, and the capacity to create something different together. The real gift that I believe Dr. Phil gives the world is that he reaches beyond the behaviors that we can all get so reactive about, and shows us the deeper wisdom of our shared human fallibility...and even more importanly, that our lack of ability to love and receive love is only due to our own suffering. Grant is creating pain in his family, because he is in pain himself - on a level it sounds like he's just becoming conscious of... Even though it looks as if she's the victim, they're both completely disempowered. Anywhere we create pain for ourselves or others, this is the case. By giving away her power, she is definitely co-creating this situation. I believe that this situation calls for compassion and accountability in equal measure.....as is true for every one of us, in all the challenging situations in our lives. I think what is really true is that these are two people who really love each other, who are really trying to get their own needs met....and at an even deeper level they would love to meet each other's needs. The 'issues' between them are superficial, and detract from the core issues that keep them from really seeing what is in the way of their happiness. I think the personal attacks only make people defensive, and are not an invitation to open their hearts to find a softer, more workable truth. And from seeing some of the intellectual responses from Grant, it would seem that they keep him in his head, and disconnected from his heart. Men already have a huge tendency to do this, and that is why it is often so hard for them to hear (and validate) what a woman is feeling. I think if he could truly connect to the pain his wife feels it would break his heart into a million pieces. And I don't believe that she's a victim, either. She's chosen a mate who will mirror to her her own feelings of inadequacy. She'd laugh it all of if she didn't deep down believe he was right about her not being good enough....though, I guess it didn't seem all that deep down from watching the show. I felt the need to respond to this show, because I can relate to having a controlling, withholding, and critical husband. I feel so much empathy for Kelly's pain...and because of the work my husband and I have done together, I can feel emapthy for his pain. I have learned about the fear, pain, and feelings of inadequacy that are at the core of my husband's hurtful behaviors, and learned to see (and take responsibility for) where he's mirroring my own issues around self-worth back to me. In those moments when we can truly connect to each other's deeper experience we no longer are victim and perpetrator, but two flawed human beings who just really need each other's love and compassion, and forgiveness. Grant and Kelly... I really saw your commitment to one another, and I truly hope that you can find a way to a place where you both feel met, and safe, and loved...

Quote From: annellen

Just wanted to suggest that Grant take over at home one day while Kelly goes out with friends. 

He can see what life is at home -- and will respect the job she is doing much more.  When we 

had six children under 7 years of age my husband gave me a "day off".  He planned to clean the 

garage and such.  When I returned at 5 o'clock, he asked how I ever got anything done. Every time 

he was about to head to what he wanted to do, one of the children needed attention.  He was  

extremely grateful that I did laundry, cleaned the house, and much more all while caring for the children.  He said he had no idea how demanding the job was until he switched places. 

  

Perhaps Kelly and Grant should switch for a day. 

  

Now that we have seven grandchildren, he still says, "Honey, I don't know how you did it!"  Of course, I say the same to him, that he provided for all of us. 

  

Quote From: amyp_mom

So here are my updates to the 1955 good housewife list. some of my views might bug people and that's ok, but not everything here was bad. Think about it as you read through things. I can tell you from experience that a lot of these things really do make your husband look forward to coming home every night. They also help you look forward to him getting there. And on the days when you are sick and not up to the task if you try to follow these things most of the time, he will probably even feed and bathe the kids and put them and you to bed. Call me old fashioned.  

  

- Have dinner ready.  Plan ahead, even the night before to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return.  This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.  Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.  

Isn't this what a housewife does most night?   2006 

   

- Prepare yourself.  Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives.  Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking.  He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.    

 If you want a kiss when he gets home then don't have a dirty diaper in one hand and maple syrup from breakfast on your cheek.  2006 

  

- Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him.  His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.  

In other words don't start complaining about your day the second he walks in the door  2006 

  

- Clear away the clutter.  Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. 

OK this one can probably go, but if that's how you 2 like your house then go for it! 2006 

   

- Gather up school boxes, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables. 

Skip the dust cloth, but it shouldn't be like walking through a landmine to be able to sit down and watch the news  2006 

   

- Over the cooler months prepare a light fire for him to unwind by.  Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.  After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.   

BLAH BLAH BLAH - how many of us even have a fireplace? 2006 

   

- Prepare the children.  Take a moment to wash the children's' hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes.   They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.  Minimize all noise.  At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum.  Try to encourage the children to be quiet.   

Or once Dad is settled they can run up and jump in his lap (assuming they aren't coated in mud) 2006 

   

- Be happy to see him.  

Uh yeah, if you want him to be happy to come home! 2006 

   

- Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.    

Wouldn't you want the same? 2006 

   

- Listen to him.  You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time.  Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.   

His topics are not more important than yours, but give each other 15 - 20 minutes to just vent without trying to fix things for each other. Both of you deserve a chance to just be listened to. When you are doing this the kids need to leave you alone and play for a while 2006 

   

- Make the evening his.  Never complain if he comes home late or goes to dinner or other places of entertainment without you.  Instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.    

Make the evenings for the 2 of you. If you have kids this will usually include them to, some nights it may not. Sometimes you both might have other commitments to tend to. Remember you both have different pressures each day and you both deserve to relax together. 2006 

   

- Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.    

I think it's a good goal for the whole families benefit, of course not just his 2006 

   

- Don't greet him with complaints and problems.  

Common Sense 2006 

   

- Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night (????? - what?)  Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.  

He has no need to stay out all night. Let him know, without yelling, that it would be nice to get a call if he will be home later than usual so you don't worry unnecessarily (common courtesy) 2006 

   

- Make him comfortable.  Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom.  Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.    

He'll return the favor, try it a few times you'll see. 2006 

   

- Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.  Speak in a low, soothing voice.  

Only take off his shoes if his feet don't stink. If his feet stink have a clean pair of socks there for him along with something to soak his feet in (just kidding) 2006 

   

- Don't ask him questions about his actions or judgment or integrity.  Remember, he is master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.  You have no right to question him.    

Flush this one 2006 

   

- A good wife always knows her place.    

As does a good husband. Both walk side by side leading the way together for their family. 2006  

Quote From: north49th

Did you know that this article is acutally a hoax?  There never was such an article published in such a magazine on that date -- somebody made it up later as a joke, a parody of 1950s expectations and values.  Don't take my word for it, either -- check out snopes.com.

Quote From: heatherpsy

I just keep thinking that there's got to be something more going on with grant. Ok I am not a psychologist and I didn't see the whole show, but did Dr. Phil ever even bring up the possibility that there might be some kind mood disorder or personality disorder at work here?  

I know its so easy to sit here and be an armchair psychologist but I honestly feel like from the person they show on TV and from his posts on here, Grant fits the profile of someone with narcissistic personality disorder to a T.  

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. 1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
   2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
   3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
   4. requires excessive admiration
   5. has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
   6. is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
   7. lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
   8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
   9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

------------------ 

I really feel like this couple needs counseling and Grant especially needs to go by himself if they're going to get anywhere. I like the Dr.Phil show, but some things you just need to work on in private on your own. It just didn't seem like Dr.Phil was really helping them either, just kind of talking about it in a chatty manner.  

  

Also Grant said in one his posts that its not his problem how his wife feels because he can't control her feelings.  

If that's true, its ok for you to do WHATEVER you want with no regard for her feelings? Are you allowed to go have an affair because you can't control her feelings? Where do you draw the line?  

  

(Also on a lighter note, is it me or is this couple the basis for that Saturday Night Live skit about the man with the low emotional IQ?) 

  

I also wanted to add that I've been married for almost six years and my husband and I agreed early on that he wouldn't wear his ring. He doesn't wear any kind of jewelry, hates watches, wallets, and that kind of thing. Now if he started hanging around in bars or looking for other women that might change. Although some women like a man with a wedding band! 

My point is that in and of itself not wearing a wedding ring isn't a bad thing. Its when someone says that they don't know why they're not wearing it, or they are having bad feelings toward their spouse and that's why they're not wearing it.  

  

  

Quote From: zitsahoy

I have seen this before but chuckle every time I read it again so thank you for posting it today.   I love my husband and try to welcome him back from his trips.    He is away for long periods of time.    I believe in treating a husband right and cooking him his favorite meals to welcome his back, that sort of thing.    Being a slave and hiding what is really going on behind a false smile is not communication though and I think this advice is not only chuckle material, it is dangerous.    My mother behaved this way, but was seething with resentment underneath it all.    Thanks again for posting this gem.