Messages By: buckleypat

Okay, here's my take on it for better or worse.  I have always been loose with my wallet to help out with friends in need and, believe me, don't do it.  Stop it. I have lost thousands in helping out friends for which I have never been paid back and I made a vow to stop.   I know what it's like to hear the answering machine go on and say "I just don't want to pick up that call." 

Now . . . on the animal thing.  Your friend sounds like a truly warm-hearted person committed to helping animals, but I think her actions are mis-guided.  I too, am a longtime advocate for animals.  And I know how powerfully emotions can play into this issue.     

Your friend could probably win a multi-million lottery jackpot and still not have enough money to conquer this situation with which she seems obsessed.   

She is so emotionally consumed into the problem of stray pets and caring for animals that she has lost objectivity with regard to achieving a realistic solution to the problem. 

Speaking for myself, I used to absolutely "freak" whenever I would hear or read of any case of animal neglect or abuse.  Then I finally realized you can only do what you can do.   

I donate to Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Utah (a haven for stray, abondoned, abused, neglected animals of all kinds from all over the country).  I care for my own dog lovingly (oh, and also two turtles and two lizards).  I donate to the ASPCA, the World Wildlife Fund, and the National Wildlife Federation.   

And most of all I try not to let my emotions get so sucked into "saving all animals"  that I become emotionally incapacitated by running wild and crazy  and trying to save every animal on the face of the planet.   

Your friend needs to save herself before she can be effective at saving the animals. (I think Dr. Phil said once, "save yourself before trying to save the world".)   

It sounds as if she can get herself together and on a plan, she would be a great voice for the animals.   Currently, I think her emotions are getting in the way of her effectiveness.    

This is animal thing is always going to be out there.  And it's an issue that will always be bigger than her ability to deal with it on a large-scale basis.  I believe it would help if she can get herself into a "structured" environment of working with OTHER PEOPLE and animals (perhaps a nearby humane shelter) then she might not be so much of a loose cannon.  It might provide with her some much needed objectivity and improve her effectivity.   I know I'm being an arm-chair psychologist here so forgive me.   

I have known many addicts (various substances).  About filling the void -- this is what AA calls being  

"restless, irritable, and discontent" (the older term, I think, is 'dry drunk').  It drove one person I know back to his addiction after 17 years of sobriety.  There are no easy answers.   

Life gets under your skin and people with addictions know that "self-medicating" takes away the pain.  Certainly, the fear of withdrawal symptoms is what keeps many people going.  But after the withdrawal, is when the real work begins.  Each person is different and there may be no one "blue-print" that fits all.  Maybe a 12-step program is not for everyone. 

I've also known people who have never touched a "substance" but they are in pain and act out in other ways.  Like I said, no easy answers.  The only one thing I do know is that "movement" can go a long way toward easing the pain.  Take long walks, take hikes, work out with weights, do yoga.  (Start slowly and work your way up.)  This releases the natural endorphins of the brain and can go a long way towards easing the cravings for the chemical dependency.   

A person in Brandon's situation does not need 'negative' reinforcement.  A person in a precipitous situation needs the positive.  Otherwise the addict may just may throw up his/her hands and assume the 'loser' label that has been ascribed to them.   

It's interesting to me that so many very talented people have this disease.  (Robert Downey Jr. for example.)  If it's any consolation to people with addiction problems, you are in the top 5 percentile as perfectionists.  So addiction may be a sideways mis-directed symptom of that trait.   

I attended this taping as a live audience member, in August of 2005.  My first time being a Dr. Phil audience member.  (I've been to two more since then).  I don't have any strong opinions about this.  We live in a world and there will always be people who annoy us. AND, oh by the way, we may be annoying to others.   Family members or not.   

But I enjoyed being in the audience and kind of glad it was not one of those "super-duper" heavy duty topics my first time around.  I enjoyed it.  (It was also the one time out of three that I could actually see myself in the audience.) 

Gosh!  After reading these postings, all I can say is this. 

I had no idea how rampant this abuse thing was.  I had my share of physical, verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse. (Nothing sexual unless I'm suppressing memories.)  But nothing compared to what I am reading here.   

Those of you who have posted,  may have no idea how strong, brave, courageous, and resilient you are to have gone through this kind of thing.   

And then willing to share it on this message board to share with others.  You are totally heros even though you might not realize it.  You are all helping each other and showing you are not alone. 

It's interesting that I just read your post.  Just yesterday I stood up to my boss (bully) by accident.  I was so frustrated that I started an email to her ranting and raving about her behavior.  I intended to save the email as a "draft"; however, when my phone rang, I distractedly (accidentally) fired the email off to her.   

The problem?  We have been good friends for ten years and she recently hired me to work for her.  She has an extremely caustic personality and our ten year friendship has been based on trading (what seemed like) good natured insults.   

However, what I could take in a friend, I have found exceedingly difficult to take from her as a manager.  On the one hand, she has a good heart and will do anything for me.  On the other, she constantly puts me down.  It seems to be in a "teasing" way, but now I think it's an underlying hostility thing.  She takes her hostilities out on me because she can't do it with others.   It seems to be a "control" thing.  I have tried to establish professional boundaries to no avail.  This job isn't even a month old, and I don't see it lasting very much longer.  Either she will fire me or I will quit.   

I too am a 50 something and need to work.  I don't know what the Ohio labor laws are, but in California when the question is asked "Can we contact your former employer?"  It means contacting your previous employer's  H.R. department which will only verify dates of employment and salary history.  A company can be held liable for divulging "opinions" or other supposedly "slanderous" information about a former employee.  Especially, if it prevents that person from securing another job.  (It's just hard to "prove".) 

My strategy has always been to have a list of people with whom I have had good working relationships as references.  (You probably don't want to use your former supervisor.)    

My references are people that I respect, and  who respect me.  Doesn't have to be former supervisors, but that helps.  Many of my references are former co-workers with whom I have worked closely or people from departments other than my own with whom I have collaberated on special projects.  I always ask their permission to use them as a reference and I always give them a "heads up" if I have been interviewing and they might be getting a phone call from a prospective employer.   

When asked why you left your last position --- NEVER bad-mouth your former company or your former boss.  This is the kiss of death when interviewing for a new position.    

In most cases the interviewer will know that things were just not working out with the previous job.  Personality conflicts, etc.  But "take the high road" by saying things like "I was ready to explore a new opportunity with room for career growth" or something like that will win points.  Because most prospective employers will not want to hire someone with "sour grapes".  Most importantly be professional at all times.  Hope this helps.  Good luck to you.  And most of all keep your chin up! 

It seems like there are many "abusers" out there (domestic, workplace, school-yard bullies, road-rage, etc.)

From my own experience, the abuser is a person who attempts to mask their own feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and low self-esteem issues by victimizing others.   For every "nice" person on the planet, there is someone out there who is more than willing to make you "squirm". 

My current situation (abuser) has to do with my current boss.  We began our "friendship" as co-workers ten years ago.  We worked in different arenas during this past ten years but have maintained a "friendship".  She recently hired me to work for her.  

Our friendship was based on her constant "teasing" and putting me down (in a so-called joking way).  And I would just laugh it off.  While I could "blow off" her "put downs" as a friend and just walk away, I'm finding is an entirely different dynamic with her as my manager. 

In the two months I have been her employee she has become increasingly nasty, mean, and hostile with me.  It's a high pressure environment, but for every 99 things that go right, she will grab on to one thing that goes wrong (no matter how minor) and blow it out of proportion.   I've come to learn through numerous conversations with others in my work environment (and my own observation)  that this is her "motus operendi" with just about everyone. 

I really believe these "attacks" are a cover-up for her own feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem.

There is a great book out there by Dr. Wayne Dyer called "Pulling Your Own Strings".  It's an older book but well worth reading if you're feeling bullied, abused, or manipulated by others.  It offers some excellent techniques for changing your own reactions and behaviors in order to gain control of a bad situation and teach people how to treat you. 

I know that domestic abuse situations are a little more tricky (and even dangerous)  because they occur out of the "public eye".    

With my manager ("friend"), I've learned to "dis-engage".  

Arguing, reasoning, rationalizing and defending your own actions only puts you on the defensive, making things worse and escalates their power over you in the situation. Even trying to put the ball back in her court rarely works.   With my boss when she flips into "balistic mode" (ranting, raving, cursing, yelling)  I say calmly, "let's discuss this later" and I walk away or hang up the phone.  End of discussion.  So far, it's worked!  Refuse to engage!

Granted, it's easier with a boss than a significant other or spouse in a domestic situation.  The main thing I've learned through my own situations is do not "engage" in the other person's behavior.  Walk away from it.  If they're looking for a fight, don't give it to them. 

I believe abusers really just want to fight to release their own unresolved hostility issues and arguing, defending, rationalizing only escalates the fight and gives them more power over you.  I've learned this the hard way.   Take away their ammunition by turning your back on their behavior from a calm position of your own strength.  (Easier said than done.)  Hang in there!

Enough from the arm-chair psychologist.