Messages By: buckleypat

Quote From: huck_finn

I tried to deal with it on my own, but as Dr. Phil stated, "You don't make kids deal with adult issues."  

  

Basically, I was a kid dealing with adult issues way more than most kids for sure. It really really sucks and puts your life in check so to speak.  

  

Kids blame themselves, feel guilty when their parents fight ... it is not a healthy situation at all! It causes all kinds of other problems that causes so much dysfunction. 

  

That is why I say things like, "If Dr. Phil would have been my father, I would be President of the United States because a healthy home is all a kid needs to be all he can be. I am not being conceited it is just a bold statement to get my point across. 

  

Things are getting better after reading Dr. Phil's book and sorting the good and bad. Life goes on ... 

  

"In my case, defense was the best offense!" (Me) 

  

"There comes a time within everyone to close your eyes to
What’s real" (Pantera, Mouth For War, Phil Anselmo) 

Quote From: dragonfly12

I am 42 years old.  I started to recall my childhood abuse a few years ago.  Since then, I have been in a Trauma program and several others that deal with healthy relationship, self esteem, etc. 

I move ahead 3 feet and get knocked back 2-3, on any given day.  Every time I see a child being mistreated, or an animal being abused, I feel nauseous.  I have the great misfortune of having neighbours that scream, yell and slam doors on a frequent basis.  I am moving next month. 

Whenever I hear them fight, I sleep poorly and have nightmares.  I have been diagnoses with PTSD - post traumatic stress disorder - because of the abuse I endured from birth to 18.  

I will never forgive my father.  He was the abuser - physical, mental and verbal.  My brother became very sexually aggressive toward me when I was 8 (he was 10).  I think this was a result of my father abusing my brother and I , then my brother becoming violent with me.  Our family pets were a target of my father as well. 

Although I hate my father, I am more angry at my mother.  She knew all about my father's abuses.  Sometimes she was home to see/hear us being abused.  Other times she was at work.  She even had a babysitter tell her that my brother and I were covered with cuts and bruises.  My father never abused my mother.  It is like she sold my brother and I out.  We lived in nice homes and in good neighbourhoods.  She had her own car, and went on many holiday trips with my father.  They are well educated and have good paying jobs.  I believe she stayed with my father in order to live comfortably, regardless of how he treated me and my brother. 

My mother wants to have a good relationship with me.  She divorced my father and has a new partner.  She freely acknowledges that my brother and I were abused. 

I am so angry with her that she sold us out.  I can understand if she were abused along with me and my brother, and tried to leave my father.  She never stopped my father from hurting me or my brother.  If she were home when he assaulted us, she would go to another room.  Once I ran to her for help.  She told me to "work it out" with my father and it was not her concern.  I was 15 and he had tried to throw me down a flight of steps.  

I can't forgive her selfishness, and I can't move on to a healthy relationship with her. 

This is how my childhood abuse still affects me. 

I am curious if anyone else has/had a passive parent like my mother?   

  

Quote From: lookin4hlp

I am sorry you are in pain.  You sound so lost.  Are you currently seeing a therapist?  If not, that could be really helpful.  You know that you have to stop cutting yourself.  A trained therapist could help you with that.  Beyond that, I hear your cry for understanding & help.  I wish I knew what to say.  I can tell you that you do have options in life and you are NOT destined to end up at a mental hospital or on the street.  You went through some traumatic events in your childhood and you are suffering.  The suffering won't last forever.  At some point you will not let it control your life.  I wish I could make that happen immediately, but honestly, I think you have to want it so bad that you decide that a new future is possible and you WILL make it happen.  It is then that you will treat yourself with the love & respect that you deserved from yourself and your family (cousin, Mom) all along.  Your Mom let you down when she told you to just forget it.  That does not happen.  Now, you are a Mom and you need to get yourself on the right track for your kids and for you.  You CAN do it with help.

Quote From: mallow2004

You know, I agree with you to an extent.  I do think people should take some sort of parenting class just to get some ideas on how best to raise children but there are so many parenting plans out there, how do you know which ones are best?  I mean some people do this, others do that.  You have to remember every child is different. 

  

  

Quote From: mallow2004

I guess I should share a little of my story with all of you for you to understand why it's so hard for me to find out my daughter was also abused. 

  

When I was 7, my mother had married my step-father.  When we moved to Texas from CA, he completely changed towards my mother and me.  My sister was never harmed by him that we know of.  At least, not that we know of because she's never told us about anything.   

  

He'd beat my mom and me for no reason and at night him and his brother would molest.  I don't know the details because I've repressed them for so many years that I don't know if I'd ever remember them and I don't know if I'd want to know.  I was also responsible for making sure my sister never saw any of the abuse going on.  My mother would always tell me to take my sister away from the apartment so she wouldn't see (she was 2 years younger than me at the time).  My mother finally got the courage to leave 3 months after they were married unfortunately the damage was already was done. 

  

When I was 9, a few of the local high-schoolers had molested me in the public swimming pool.  I managed to get away after kneeing one in the groin and punching another in the stomach but not before I was traumatized by the few things they were able to do. 

  

At 11, I was raped by a friend of my friend's brother.  I don't remember too much about that only because I just never thought about that as being to important.  I know it definitely had affected in some way but not as much as the first time I was abused and just never thought too much about it. 

  

When I was 14, my boyfriend tried to rape but was stopped by his brother. I broke it off with him immediately. 

  

When I was 16, I was raped by a stranger.  It was extremely hard to deal with because I had gotten pregnant by him or my boyfriend at the time and didn't know what to do.  I later miscarried.  It took a while, but I soon realized that that was a blessing in disguise. 

  

When I was 17, someone from work tried to push up on me for sex and I managed to fight free and left that guy in some pain. 

  

At 25, a friend of a friend's of a friend's tried to rape me when I passed out after having too much to drink (never drank that much again in my life).  He was charged and convicted and demoted from Sgt. to Pvt. and dishonorably discharged from the Army.  That was the hardest time. 

  

All this abuse also affected the type of guys I dated and my sexual relationships.  From the time I was a teenager to my early-20's I was very promiscous because I was afraid to say no.  However, when I was 20, I learned the value of the word.  When I got married the guy I married still proved to me men couldn't be trusted because he tried to control me, he was verbally abusive and he cheated on me.  I left after 11 months of marriage but I was pregnant with my first daughter by him so he's a constant fixture in my life. 

  

I later decided to start dating again at 27 and started to date another man who decided that because his first wife cheated he didn't trust any woman and tried to tell me that I couldn't go out with my female friends even to Walmart.  I invited him to go a few times, but he always said no.  He was a homebody and tried to make me one.  I left him but had to get a restraining order on him because he wouldn't leave me alone and started to become obsessive.  I later found out I was pregnant with his child and haven't told because I'm afraid of what would happen if he did find out about her. 

  

That's my life of abuse and I don't want the cycle to continue with my 2 daughters.  Anyone have any advice? 

Quote From: mallow2004

I have a question.  How long does it take to get a reply from Dr. Phil's office.  I had sent an email to his office via email about 5 days ago and still haven't gotten a reply from him.  Thank you.

Quote From: renagade

Ya ain't gonna like this but - your line 'I still have my military work ethic' tells me why you are probably 

being fired.  There is a World of Diferrence between military life and civilian life.  You've got to remember that a lot of civilians don't go for that military stuff, or chain of command. 

  

I for one do and don't believe in a chain of command - if I don't get results from my immediate - you 

better believe I'm going to the top.   

  

I do agree showing initative and making decisions irks some companies because a lot have this 

team player mentality that says everyone must agree or nobody goes forward and to do so - how dare you!!! 

Quote From: connornkat

I have to commend you on your insight into effective management in the workplace! I had to work directly under the Director of Sales who managed a team of back-stabbing, underminers who could not spell team work if they tried! I felt like the only serious-minded, concerned employee there, working among immature-mean spirited unprofessional people. Everyone was so protective of themselves without seeing the big picture, and the department suffered because of it. I always thought a smart leader will make leaders out of subordinates, but I guess the thought of that scared her a bit. Now, I stay home with babies, but when I go back to work, I HOPE my future boss will be just like you!  :)

Quote From: bigred80

Hi

 

I know this is slightly off the topic of career goals, but it as close to my question as I could find.

 

For me to ask my question first I need to give a little background. When I left school I worked in a few casual jobs until I was employed Full time for about four and a half years. In that time I had my son and chose not to go back to work. After a few months of being an at home mum I realised that I am the type of person who needs to be busy or I go nuts and clean everything. So I went back to work. I left that job a few weeks ago because it was completely unsatisfying and my boss wasn't a nice person.

 

Anyway I have had arrange of jobs from cashier, to cleaner, to day care even the defence force and I still don't know what I want to do. I must add that I am only 25.

 

I have this feeling of wanting to go somewhere, I just have no idea where that somewhere is.

 

Anyone have suggestions on finding/changing career?

 

Thanks

Natalie