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Messages By: freebird

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July 28, 2005, 9:25 pm CDT

Sunny days ahead

Quote From: annanut

I'm not really sure if this is the right post for me, since I'm not sure my fear is really irrational. I mean, the extent is irrational, but maybe not the content. I'm afraid of men, most of the time, and I have panic attacks in the classroom (I study at University). It's paralyzing, and now I have to take medication for it. I can't go into a seminar if I'm even a minute late b/c I think people will look at me. I never speak even though it jeapordizes my future in academia because I'm so afraid the professor will notice me. I also freak out in crowds, but the classroom is still the most terrifying. I guess this all comes from me having been raped my professor at the school I went to before; but still! It's been since 2002 (late spring). I've been seeing a psychiatrist twice a week for more than two years, close to two-and-a-half (thank G-d for medicare), and I'm still like this. I guess I just want some reassurance that it will get better, since at the end of next year I hope to return to my former school and train to be a psychiartic nurse. Having been committed to a psychiatric institution myself, I know just how much good dedicated people can do, and I don't want to give up my dream because I am still too afraid to face the environment it's lodged in.
I too suffered panic attacks and paralyzing fear for over five years after being a victim of kidnapping and attempted murder by a man I left after a bad relationship. I hid myself away behind closed curtains for years, only venturing outside when I had someone with me. I never spoke to people I didn't know, and I would sweat uncontrollably when I was left alone with a male in a waitingroom, queue or elevator. I was medicated (and still am on anti-depressants) and eventually institutionalised. I didn't take a step forward until the man who assaulted me was jailed, which was when I moved to another State and changed my name. When I changed my "identity" I kept telling myself that the old me had been left behind in the last town. I got a job, made some friends and finally started to live in the "outside" again. That sounds easy huh? Not so. It's baby steps every day. And five years of baby steps amount to a whole hang of a lot of steps. The nightmares still happen frequently, but I'm learning to overcome those. I still stop breathing everytime I see someone who looks similar to my attacker, but I'm slowly starting to listen to the rational side of my consciousness that tells me they aren't the same person. It's a long slow process, but it really can happen. We can only be victims if we allow it. I don't like the "victim" tag. I prefer to now think of myself as a survivor. I overcame something and went on to become stronger than I was before. You can too. Find your smiles again and hang on to them, for nobody can take those away from us unless we let them.
 
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July 29, 2005, 1:33 am CDT

Burnt in a BIG way

I was one of the unfortunate many who met a man online & was too hasty to rush into a relationship with him. It ended in horror. After many months of horrendous abuse, torture and degradation, I left him. He tracked me down, kidnapped & tried to kill me. He has now since been sent to prison, but my life will never be the same. For all those innocent people following their hearts online, please err on the side of caution. It is so easy to be fooled. I know what you're thinking - that was one person, not everyone is like that. But is it really worth the risk?? Do your research. Have this person checked out first. Don't go in blind like I did.

 

For the fortunate ones, may you have a life of happiness. Everyone deserves just that.

 
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July 29, 2005, 2:51 am CDT

Gidday

Hi I'm from Oz, are you still here?
 
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July 29, 2005, 3:26 am CDT

profound?

Rather deep don't you think? Sure, it's positive to change our thought processes to like who we are and accept our good points and flaws, but isn't it also negative to overanalyse? Just a thought.
 
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July 29, 2005, 6:19 am CDT

Absolutely

Hi! Yes you're right. That is a very sad thing. I believe that to appreciate and wonder are the greatest gifts of the mind. However I often wonder myself if it is possible to delve too deeply into trying to find the "right" answer.  I'm an over-analyser myself. I tend to be the kind I was thinking of in my earlier message. It was an open question/thought, not a judgement. It's a neverending cycle to get stuck in. In the end you just end up feeling badly of yourself because you never see clearly. Everybody seems to have an opinion of how we are supposed to be. So many different ways we are supposed to think/look/feel/believe.

Having had to change myself to the extreme, I'm still looking for the good things I used to see in myself. Its a hard road. I'm my own harshest critic.  But by listening and watching, I'm learning. That's the key to life isn't it? Grow a little each day?

 
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August 1, 2005, 1:26 am CDT

fear has two consequences

It either makes us run or fight. Natural instincts. If it's a choice of moving forward and facing the problem head-on or continuing to be stuck in a rut, which would you choose? What is it that is stopping you from doing what you have to do to get out of the rut? If you can figure that out, you're halfway there. Unfortunately nobody can fix these problems for us, we have to do it for ourselves. I'm sure we would all like to have a white knight to ride in and fix our problems, but how would we ever cope with the little problems if we never had the courage to sort them out for ourselves? You will find your courage and make your decision. After all, that is what we do everyday in one way or another. Best of luck.
 

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