Messages By: momofdmjm

Dr. Phil- you are dead wrong about the CPS programs helping kids.  I read, and agree with, a book about CPS.  The book said that CPS goes by the 80/20 plan.  20% of kids are in immediate danger, and they get the attention of CPS social workers.  The other 80% are not in immediate danger, and so are ignored.

I live near you- in Orange County.  Because so few fathers express interest in their kids after a divorce, when a father does express interest in custody, they are given preferential treatment.  My ex showed NO INTEREST in my kids until 6 months after I left him, and he saw an attorney. 

I expressed concern to all professionals involved in my custody case.  I was sexually and verbally abused by my ex-husband (I had to have surgery to correct the damage he did).  When I told the female psychologist (doing the 730 evaluation) about all the names he called me, she said "So what if he calls you names?  You are an adult, aren't you?  Just let it roll off your back!"  And she went on to recommend that we each get 50% custody.  That was a living hell!  When an abuser is awarded custody, it just encourages him to continue the abuse.  My ex used my kids to pay me back for leaving him!  He used my kids to continue controlling me.

He went on to molest (fondle) my daughter when she was 5.  Her teacher called CPS, and reported the abuse.  The CPS worker told me that she wasn't going to take any action because he (my ex) "did not penetrate her".  The SW went on to say that she asked my daughter "three times" if she wanted to continue seeing her dad.  Because "she said 'yes' each time", the SW decided that he could continue with the 50% custody.

I called CPS repeatedly to report various types of abuse.  They told me that my ex could hit the kids with his hand or a hanger, call them names, and basically do what he wanted, as long as he didn't leave marks that "lasted more than a few hours".  One male social worker told me that it was okay for my ex to call our kids "fat" and "stupid", and if I didn't like it, I needed to go change the laws!

It took me 7 years to figure out how to fight the system, and find a good attorney, before I was able to get full custody of my kids.  Now that I have full custody of my kids, my ex rarely sees them.  (He used to claim "parental alienation" against me, and even coerced the DA's office into filing charges against me.  I had to go to criminal court to defend myself.)  But now, he tells the kids he is "too busy" to see them.  He has taken my son out to dinner four times this year, and took my daughter twice to dinner.  And this is the same man who fought for 7 years to keep the 50% custody.  The one stipulation I had when I was awarded full custody, was that he call the kids directly, rather than call me, to see them.  I wanted out of the middle.  And once I took myself out of the middle, he was no longer interested in seeing them!

Sorry that I jumped around in this story.  I am just furious at the legal system, and the lack of protection for abused women and children!

D

I divorced my husband 15 years ago because he was verbally abusing me and my kids.  It took me over 2 years to get the divorce finalized, because marc did everything he could to delay the process.  I've spent over $70,000, and the last 15 years fighting him in court over various issues.  I fought for 7 years before I was awarded full custody of my kids, by a sympathetic judge who listened to my story and believed me.

Now my ex has served papers on me to get full custody of our 17 year old son.  (He will be 18 in three months.)  And my ex served papers suing me for $8600, because he paid for half of "after school care from 2002 to 2006" for our kids, and he said he found "new evidence" that I did not provide after school care for our kids. 

What makes this whole thing so disgusting is that marc has had little to do with our kids since I was awarded full custody of them.  He blames the lack of a relationship on me, but the truth is that he rejected our kids.  He used to tell them frequently that he was "too busy" to see them, and the only time he saw them was for dinner a few times every year. Now all of a sudden he wants full custody of our son (but not our daughter!)?  And another reason he listed for getting full custody of our son was because I "did not foster a relationship between the kids" and marc.  He did a fine job of pushing  the kids away from him all on his own!!

My ex has caused so much emotional damage to the kids and I.  And we are not done yet.  Dr. Phil, I hope that you can have an impact on the legal system, and help to prevent abusers from continuing the abuse through the legal system.  Many judges (including my current judge) do not have an awareness of abuse, and don't know how to handle abusive men in court.  The judge we currently have told me that I had to endure being called indecent names, being cursed at, and being lectured about all my "faults" by my ex, so that I could get important information from him!  Huh?  I wonder if the judge is verbally abusive to his wife.....

It is becoming more common knowledge that abusive men use this defense of PAS to fool the judges into giving them custody.  I know numerous women whose children were being abused by their fathers, and the abusive fathers won custody because of this bogus allegation.   I was trying to protect my kids from their father's abuse.  I spent 7 miserable years sharing 50% custody of my kids with him.  I was personally accused of Pas by my ex-husband.  I had to go to criminal court and through that frustrating process when I was accused of PAS.  The female district attorney told my attorney that they filed charges against me just to get my ex-husband to stop calling them every day!  I had to be on probation for six months because of his accusation.

I finally won full custody of my kids 8 years ago.  I told their father to call them directly whenever he wanted visitation.  After 7 years of fighting to retain the 50% custody of our kids, once he lost custody, he stopped spending time with them.  He lives 17 miles away, and sees them for dinner a few times a year.  And when the kids called him to see him, he told them that he was "too busy".  He filed three frivolous law suits against me this year- one of them was to gain custody of our son, who turned 18 the day after the hearing.  If my ex truly wanted to be with the kids, he would have spent more time with them in the last 8 years.  And to this day, he blames me for alienating the kids from him.  What he doesn't realize is that he alienated the kids from him, without any help from me!

And the purpose of filing all thes frivolous lawsuits against me is to break me financially.  I've spent almost $100,000 on attorneys in the past 15 years, fighting him in lawsuit after lawsuit.  I think the legal system is in desperate need of educating judges about abusers, and how they use the legal system to continue the abuse.

and if there is a loving father out there who is wrongly accused of being abusive- I agree that you deserve custody of your kids.  I applaud any father who is loving and still wants to spend time with his kids after a divorce.