Messages By: zeezee

 I'm going through a terrible breakup right now, and my brother's wedding is coming up.   The last thing I feel like doing is going to a wedding, but it's my brother after all.  I've been the self-sacrificing one of the family, always there for my brother, for everyone in their time of need.  Now that I need some support, though, my brother isn't there for me.  Okay, he has wedding stresses and all that to deal with.  And I have a couple of close friends who provide me with alot of support.  But I feel I've been taken for granted for so many years by him and things have built up now to a point where I'm tired of having to sacrifice my own needs and feelings for everyone else.

My brother doesn't live anywhere near me, so it's a long journey to get to the wedding.   My friends are keen to come with me to help me with the drive, which is great for me to have company.  I won't know anyone at the wedding and don't have money to spend on a hotel room, so I asked my brother if we could stay in his apartment for the few nights.

Well, his fiancee (whom I've never even met yet) has "issues" with two strange women (besides myself) staying with my brother over the weekend of the wedding.  So I've been told I can't bring them along (or I could bring one to stay over but not both, for some strange reason).    It's actually easier for there to be 3 of us as the other two could entertain each other and go for a night on the town instead of coming to the wedding, and I would be free to spend time with my family.

Now I'm in my 40s for heaven's sake and my friends are all responsible adults as well  -- if we were irresponsible teenagers then maybe I could understand.  So I don't get what the problem is, not by any stretch of the imagination.  But I'm very upset that I'm being handed some crazy "rule" as opposed to being respected for not only who I am (I am his only sister after all), but for my needs (financial and emotional).  Once again, I need to swallow any feelings I have. 

I'm at the point now I'm so upset I don't want to go to the wedding at all.  Yet I'm not a selfish person by any stretch, so I'm torn as to how to handle how I feel and what to do.

 Thank you for your kind and understanding reply.  I guess I should elaborate further.....he and his fiancee do not live together, he's moving in to her place right after the wedding (he'll stay at her place on the wedding night then moving the rest of his things over the next two days following).  So his apartment is half empty already and he's the only one staying there.  Basically we're talking about two nights when we'd all be bunking in, with the three of us on air mattresses on the floor in a separate room.  It's just for sleeping as my two friends would be busy sightseeing the whole time.   So the issue of being underfoot or making a mess (besides he's knows I'm a clean freak). isn't the problem.  The way it was explained to me is that his fiancee is uncomfortable with strange single women sleeping in the same apartment as her fiance.   Only later did she say it was okay that I could have one friend staying in his apartment.  I don't know why it's somehow her call, or why she feels the need to lay down this kind of asinine rule, but I've asked for a logical explanation and there isn't one.  All my brother would say is that "she's kinda insecure".  (???)  I have to say I'm feeling very resentful at being treated this way by her, as it makes me feel like I'm somehow going to cause trouble or something, or like we're a bunch of kids.  It all smacks of control freakishness. 

And of course, with my emotional state, I'm just not handling this well.  I don't feel equipped to take care of his needs or be understanding, when I have needs right now and wish just once he would he would help me out instead of the other way around.