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Messages By: latingirl

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August 9, 2005, 12:16 pm CDT

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Well it has been a a year and half since my husband and I seperated.  (my doing)  We have two great kids and share 50/50 of them at this time.  We are finally filing for divorce.  We have been friendly towards each other, of course at times he gets angry at me for failing in this marriage.  I did not cheat or anything, I think we just got married too young.  I am still trying to figure myself out.  We have been married 11 years.  I just turned 30 a few days ago, that was a depressing moment for sure.  It seems like I had so much going for me. two great kids, a house, a dog, a marriage and now I have nothing.  I know it's my doing because I left the marriage.  He is a great guy but I felt as if we were roommates more than anything.  I wish him the very best in life.  

Well we are talking tonight about the house and stuff like that for the divorce paperwork.  He is living in the house and has been.  He wouldn't leave, so I had to.  Plus his parents live across the street, his grandparents are on the same street and his sister around the corner.  Let's just say it's a little too close for comfort.  Anyhow, I know I made the choice to leave the marriage.  but he keeps telling me I abandoned the house and the kids and I know he will fight me on the house $$$.  The kids have been figured out, it works out great for all of us.  I never wanted to take them away from their dad so I thought  50/50 was only fair.  I just don't want a huge battle waiting.  I want to be fair and sweet.  He didn't want me to date this entire time, so I didn't.  But it's to the point where, when can I start building my life again?   Should I always feel guilty for leaving my marriage, I tried to leave on good terms.  I know I hurt him, but I think we all still need to pick up and move on and be happy?  I don't know what I am trying to say here but I just have so much on mind lately, I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown.  I am stressed because of money (which was never a problem when we were together, so that is new to me), I get depressed when I don't see my kids very much, I miss having someone (male) around, I just feel like I am in a rut at the age of 30.  I don't want to argue and fight over material things with my soon to be ex.  but I don't want to give it all up either.  I just don't know what to do to get out of this mood  but it just seems to get worse as time goes on.  I know I can be happy but I guess I just need to focus on that rather than all the negative stuff in my life.   

 
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August 9, 2005, 12:18 pm CDT

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Well it has been a a year and half since my husband and I seperated.  (my doing)  We have two great kids and share 50/50 of them at this time.  We are finally filing for divorce.  We have been friendly towards each other, of course at times he gets angry at me for failing in this marriage.  I did not cheat or anything, I think we just got married too young.  I am still trying to figure myself out.  We have been married 11 years.  I just turned 30 a few days ago, that was a depressing moment for sure.  It seems like I had so much going for me. two great kids, a house, a dog, a marriage and now I have nothing.  I know it's my doing because I left the marriage.  He is a great guy but I felt as if we were roommates more than anything.  I wish him the very best in life.   

Well we are talking tonight about the house and stuff like that for the divorce paperwork.  He is living in the house and has been.  He wouldn't leave, so I had to.  Plus his parents live across the street, his grandparents are on the same street and his sister around the corner.  Let's just say it's a little too close for comfort.  Anyhow, I know I made the choice to leave the marriage.  but he keeps telling me I abandoned the house and the kids and I know he will fight me on the house $$$.  The kids have been figured out, it works out great for all of us.  I never wanted to take them away from their dad so I thought  50/50 was only fair.  I just don't want a huge battle waiting.  I want to be fair and sweet.  He didn't want me to date this entire time, so I didn't.  But it's to the point where, when can I start building my life again?   Should I always feel guilty for leaving my marriage, I tried to leave on good terms.  I know I hurt him, but I think we all still need to pick up and move on and be happy?  I don't know what I am trying to say here but I just have so much on mind lately, I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown.  I am stressed because of money (which was never a problem when we were together, so that is new to me), I get depressed when I don't see my kids very much, I miss having someone (male) around, I just feel like I am in a rut at the age of 30.  I don't want to argue and fight over material things with my soon to be ex.  but I don't want to give it all up either.  I just don't know what to do to get out of this mood  but it just seems to get worse as time goes on.  I know I can be happy but I guess I just need to focus on that rather than all the negative stuff in my life.  

 
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August 9, 2005, 1:01 pm CDT

thanks

Quote From: beachsmile

You could click on your country on this link and then where you live. Not exactly your circumstance, however, likely they know of links you might need. www.hotpeachpages.net/a/countries.html Yes, simply because stress is stress the additional stress financially speaking of getting divorce for a lot of women is often just exchanging one set of problems for another. There are FREE training programs for displaced home makers at most State Employment Agencies... Finding another men...well...they pretty much are all men so you might want to read "Relationship Rescue" before you do. I can understand your not wanting to live in house and his not wanting to sell. IF you get along with inlaws what an ideal situation for your children and, if you don't, a nightmare. You are wise to not carry animosity because your children are a part of you both and when that happens they can grow to not like themselves. Check out link and RELATIONSHIP RESCUE you can check out at library or search for in above SEARCH BOX in upper right where you will find a synopsis of main points. Hugs and Prayers
Thanks!  I am not sure what step is next but I know it's up to me to make it count =)
 
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August 10, 2005, 8:29 am CDT

EITHER WAY

Quote From: sandman4u

Why is it ALWAYS up to the HUSBAND to: 1) change HIS behavior 2) care about how SHE feels when she doesn't care how he feels 3) leave the marriage if HE doesn't like how things are, and 4) have to stop what HE'S doing just to please HER? Hmm... This sounds VERY one-sided to me. And why is it that just because some women aren't insecure or weak enough to be bothered by porn, that other women think these women are retarded, saps, have no backbones and has stopped being sexual with their men because of something HE'S done (or did)?? Can't it be admitted that these women are secure within themselves (as Kim stated in an earlier post), have better things to do than worry about what their men are doing, they understand that what their men are doing has nothing to do with them and that they are doing something private that doesn't involve a real person and finally, that some of these women don't have sexual relations on their priority list and that they are doing other things in life that are important to them and that they enjoy? Once a woman is past her 30's and/or nears menopause (or has gone through it already), all their hormones, libido and desires go OUT the window. And this is fine because this is how women are built. But this also means that men shouldn't have to go through the rest of their lives without visual stimulation, sexual enjoyment or release just because of all of this. It's amazing that women want men to put THEM as the center of his universe and be a sexual object to HIM, but then expect his sexual feelings, thoughts and desires to ONLY service THEM. And when THEY don't feel like putting out or at least pleasing HIM if THEY don't feel like being intimate, they expect him to shut it off - just like that - and WAIT and WAIT....and WAIT...until THEY'RE ready to have sex. Even in cases when she DOES put out regularly, most times they are not in peak physical condition and more often than not, they become less physically attractive as they age. Not saying we don't either, but to a man, what WE look like doesn't change what WE find sexually attractive in women. And in cases where the woman has been well-preserved and does put out as much as he wants - he may STILL want to occasionally indulge in looking at porn because it is an ENJOYABLE EXPERIENCE to see a beautiful, sexy naked woman posing and doing things that don't look or feel quite the same as when our wives do it. Why get married then, you say? The same reason WOMEN get married. Loving and respecting someone and spending eternity with them doesn't give THEM license to control your life, your thoughts and activities (as long as they are not physically causing another harm or causing mental trauma)! Women know this of men and if they DON'T like how sexual / visual we are, then THEY shouldn't get married, PERIOD. Why is it always that the MEN shouldn't get married? Why are things ALWAYS thrust upon US, while the women don't have ANY accountability or responsibility? It's VERY simple, really. If they DON'T like their husband's porn use, they can (and Should) LEAVE. But they DON'T!!! Notice how Kim and these other new female posters are STILL with their husbands!! WHY don't THEY Leave??? We all know the answer to that question. Anyway, I made my point.    
If you care and love your spouse, then try to understand why they are hurt and help heal the pain.  It's about respect and love, that is a REAL adult relationship.  There is no right or wrong answer here.  But Bottom line......if your behavior (sexual!) is hurting your spouse, man or woman.....STOP behaving in this manner. 
 
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August 10, 2005, 9:38 am CDT

now now

Quote From: sandman4u

Heroin has the capacity to KILL a human being and make them DEAD, never to be ALIVE EVER AGAIN. Are you seriously comparing a man using porn to him shooting up? Hehe, typical female response. So you say some things might feel good but they are 'bad' for us and that a mature adult makes the decision to stay away from 'bad' things. Tell me, what is 'bad' about a man using porn? What you REALLY meant to say, was that a man using porn is bad for WOMEN. You say that you think I should've never gotten married just because I don't have tunnel vision and because I don't kotow to my wife's every whim. Men should NEVER let a woman manipulate them - once this happens, it is akin to certain death for his autonomy and freedom to be a person in his own right. Committment-minded men ARE able to find true beauty in their wives long past her youth. This beauty you're speaking of is a woman's SOUL and PERSONALITY. It doesn't include physicality because the aging process prevents beauty from lasting forever - this is why they call it AGING, Lilac. Perhaps men would still find their 40+ wives physically beautiful IF they really WERE beautiful and aged exceptionally well (good examples of these are: Susan Lucci, Andie MacDowell and Christine Brinkley. There are others but these are the only three I can think up at the moment). The adage that looks don't matter but personality does is hogwash - the media knows it, and so do we, as human beings. When we're first attracted to our mates, it is NOT their personality we're attracted to, it's their physical appearance. I've stated this a week ago and sound like a broken record because no woman wants to admit the obvious. If my wife were to approach me today and say that she doesn't want to have sex with me anymore because she is no longer attracted to me, then I would accept this and allow her to do whatever it was that aroused her sexually as long as it didn't involve other people. She has this right, just as I have. She may have this viewpoint or not, but I do know that it would ONLY be HER opinion. With all the (gorgeous young AND older) women who hit on me nearly every day, I could've cheated on my wife a million times over. The fact that I DON'T (and NEVER will) do this shows my CONTROL and loyalty to her. But expecting a man to put blinders on and tell his wife she is physically 'beautiful' when she really isn't is LYING and totally unrealistic. Just because a man wants to check out a sexy babe naked (or not) is NOT a lack of self-control as you believe it to be. It is NATURE and REALITY. Also, I never said we didn't have sex. We do have it about once a month (twice a month when her other family / school commitments subsides). You would have to meet her and see with your own eyes what I mean. If she truly had an aversion to sex with ME, then she'd NEVER have it, period. So, you're just trying to hit below the belt because you have nothing else sensible or logical to say and this is ok. This is how you were built ;). Oh and one more thing...I DO agree with you on this: I DO have the eyes of a horny teenager - YEAH BABY!!!!     

You can discuss this subject until you are blue in the face, but face it everyone has their own points of view.  YOU think it's natural for men to be interested in porn, (it's natual maybe but it's also a decision to actually watch and be obsessed with it) but besides that ok well we didn't marry you (good thing) so do what makes you happy.  I am not against porn (I will hear allot from that one, I know) but I don't think it right to do anything that make your partner jealous, insecure, lonely and unwanted!  If your actions are doing this to the one you love, what the hell are you doing?  Is getting off physically more important than being mentally and emotionally there for your partner?   

WE all know we have to make sacrifices sometimes, THAT is NATURAL!   

 
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August 10, 2005, 10:00 am CDT

How Porn Has Affected Our Relationship

Quote From: luvmiman1

In reading today and posting, what comes to mind are all these questions about why should the man do this...or why should the women do that first. Who should leave, who should stay..on and on.  And I'd just like to say or rather ask. 

  

When did the world become such a place where our marriages involve the worst of our enemies?  Since when is the partner you chose to be with and make vows with become the enemy here?  The way some of you speak of the opposite sex just amazes me.   It's not surprising that about 60% of marriages end in divorce, and a great number of those only happen after each partner has used up the other OR the kids went off to college, giving the parents the thought that their jobs were done....foolish thinking folks! 

  

If any marriage is in trouble, over anything...why is the first thing people do is seek out what the world has to offer for restoration of that marriage? Men seeking porn and women seeking total seperation emotionally and spiritually from their husbands...and isn't that what is happening here?  How does it make sense to make yourself suddenly first over the other person in that marriage?  Man or Woman?  Here's the thing, if anyone wanted to be the "real hero" in a marriage in crisis, THEY THEMSELVES would take on the battle and make it a priority to lift up that marriage and save it for both of you.  

  

I just don't get all this "save yourself first" at all costs YOU have to be right and that means the death of what.....YOUR marriage!!!  That other person suddenly has to be the looser, the one at fault....how about the fact that it doesn't matter who wins or looses, that the marriage is and will always be the one thing that matter the most!!!  And if that means you don't seek outside the marriage to fulfill some sexually perverted idea of how women are or should be...then so be it! 

  

And that's the problem with this porn stuff to put it bluntly....men are more niave than I have ever believed before about this stuff...they sit there pump this stuff into their heads, actually believing that this is how woman really are, how they look and act and when their wives no longer "measure up" to this, and NO ONE WILL...and then they wonder why they die this very lonely secluded life, unhappy and popping viagra even if they did have a "perfect" little woman sitting there waiting for her hint to be ready he couldn't be "ready" on his own no matter what she could or would do. 

  

I've said it before and I'll say again, this world of porn is only a symptom of greater issues that BOTH PARTNERS MUST SHARE IN AND RESOLVE together if there is to ever be a healing of the most important vow you will ever make in your life.  And healing IS possible, but it takes BOTH. 

  

Luv 

Like I have said before, every relationship is different.  YOU have to do what works in your relationship.  Sounds like your marriage is fine, so go be happy - please!  Have a great time.  But not all women and men feel the same.  That is when you have to compromise, otherwise tension will build and that will distroy a marriage.  We all need to realize that we have to live our life the way WE want, not how outsiders want us to live it.  

 
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August 10, 2005, 10:12 am CDT

lovin man

Quote From: latingirl

Like I have said before, every relationship is different.  YOU have to do what works in your relationship.  Sounds like your marriage is fine, so go be happy - please!  Have a great time.  But not all women and men feel the same.  That is when you have to compromise, otherwise tension will build and that will distroy a marriage.  We all need to realize that we have to live our life the way WE want, not how outsiders want us to live it.  

Sorry my last post was for Sandman not you!  =)
 
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August 12, 2005, 12:49 pm CDT

Yes Yes

Quote From: dianevj

My husband thinks or tries to make my think I'm stupid also.  Sometimes I'm sure he is just fishing for info to find out how much I do know.  What a sad thing that it comes down to this.  But research the laws, decide what you want and how you want to proceed and just go for it. Take care.
I know how that works.  But I just sit back and let him think I don't know any better.  But I do, and he actually knows that I am pretty smart when it comes to stuff like that but he also knows I have trust in him but when it comes to this, I don't!  I need to realize that I need a lawyer to handle this. I just didn't want a war or battle.  I want to move on and get it over with and be happy.
 
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August 12, 2005, 3:51 pm CDT

husband

Quote From: amanda04

 I am 22 years old and have been married a little over a year, been with my husband 3 years. We have a beautiful 7 month old daughter. My problem is that even before we were married my husband wasn't worried about sex. He likes it when we do it but he takes some convincing sometimes and we talk about it often, I would like to have sex at least every other day. He says that it isn't like that for him, he doesn't need it that much and that he will try harder to be more passionate and have sex more often. Now I have seen him make some changes and then it goes back to normal. I can even walk in front of him naked and he doesn't even flinch. We have talked about it being his libido or maybe a low testosterone level but he won't go see a Dr. After having my daughter I gained 70lbs and I lost all of it and then some. When I was pregnant he gained the same amt and has only lost 25. I feel bad but I am starting to not be attracted to him anymore. The other day in all of our relationship he tried to have sex and I said no. I have never said no. I broke my heart (because I know how it feels to be told no). I talked to him about eating better and taking better care of himself and  he said he is starting too. He has gone to the gym 3 days this week but he still eating horrible. I am however starting to crave sex again (so the gym helps) but now he still doesn't want to have sex as much as me. Anyone have advice??

Well you both need to work on this issue together.  No matter if he weighs 100 lbs extra, he is still your husband and if you want sex....well he is the only one you have, so make it work.  You should make plans to do stuff together, like working out, making a healthy dinner together.  Going on a walk or jog also is great for a couple to do together.  You still need to love him no matter what he looks like.  

But he does need to see someone in regards to his non-sexual cravings.  I am sure you have talked to him several times but he just doesn't get it and will not get it until someone else says it to him.  You should make an appt for both of you to see someone, together and see what he says. 

  

 
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August 15, 2005, 1:13 pm CDT

infidelity

Quote From: carjoh06

This is the first time that I have ever posted.  I feel that I have no one I can share this with that is why I  am here.  I went out this weekend with some friends.  I don't get to go out very often since I am married and have 4 kids.  We went to the bar and tied a good one on.  I met some of my husbands friends who I know very well.  The one guy and I have always flirted with each other harmlessly.  Well not this time things went to far.  We ended up going outside behind the bar we kissed a few times and some hands explored.  That was it I couldn't believe what i was doing, i knew it was wrong so I stopped it.  We agreed not to tell anyone.  We went back into the bar and taht was the end of that.  Went home went to bed got up talked to my husband told him we needed to talk.  oh yeah I think the other guy phoned in the morning or it was his girlfriend don't know.  I told him that i kissed one of his friends and then I went back to bed.  I was sick and couldn't believe that I could have been so stupid.  Last night we went for supper and a movie.  He tried to ask me what all happened but I said I didn't want to talk about it in public.  My husband is taking it to well and that frightens me.  I want him to be angry with me but he has been nice.  I am scared that he will now go out and cheat on me and go further than I did.  What should I do.  I just need to tell some one.  Thank you for listening. 

Why don't you sit and talk to him.  Ask him how he is feeling about it, ask him if he is upset.  Tell him how sorry you are and you never meant to betray his trust.  Make him  understand that you have remorse and hate what happened.  Maybe there is a reason you kissed his friend, maybe you are not close with your hubby or passionate like you would like to be.  Get in his head, find out what he is thinking, but the only way to do that is ask him, in detail.  You will hate talking about it but it will open him up to how he feels.  Just because he is taking well right now - 1. doesn't mean he is going to cheat on you and - 2. doesn't mean in time he will become angry and pull away.   

You don't want either of those to happen but you have to be there for him right now.   

 

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