Messages By: leettak

My husband and I were separated and are trying to reconcile.  He had a relationship with someone else.  I was lead to believe, by him, that it didnt mean anything to him.  That she was there to keep him from being lonley.  I am okay with that.  I can work on that part.  Now I have found out that he bought her a diamond and ask her to marry him.  He said it was in an affort to keep her around.  She says they were in love and happy.  He says she is saying that so I wont want to be with him anymore.  That all he ever thought of was me.  She was a way for him to pretend he was still with me.    Is that possible?   It sounds crazy to me.  I cant bond with him again because of it.  Pretending that you are with someone?   How does that work?   I know it was not me he was thinking of when he walked into the jewelery store.  He said it was to show off.  I have been with the man for 18 years.   I dont want to flush this down the tubes.    I am lost and confused.  I am not sure what to ask him or what I need to know from him.  Is it possible to live that way for a year?  The questions I ask are stale and have been answered by the same words so many times that I know the answers already.  How can I break through this sale mate to start to heal again.  We were separated for four years.  Still married.  Neither ever tried to get a divorce.  We have been back together for four monthes now.  I feel like I am the other woman, not the wife.   But he maintains that he always loved me.   I want so to believe that.  I cant.  someone please take a minute to tell me my doubts are warrented at least.  I pre- thank you...

I went to find him. I hired a PI to find him.  He seemd elated I had done that.  I do not expect that anyone live without love.   But why insist that you didnt love her?    Pretending that he was still with me has me freaked out.   Four years staying single isnt hard for some and impossible for others.    I have ask what you suggested.  I came here as a last resort.  I dont know what to ask.   I need help with that.  I am not sure if I have ever read anything to help me catagorize this into a help search.  I am confused.  I know I love him.  I always have.  But I can not reconnect.  Am I looking for impossible answers?    I said it is all okay.  Tell me the truth.  If this is the truth as he knows it and he did actually pretend that he was with me instead of her its crazy.   they were together for one year.  The last of our separation. I do know he was lonley.  I understand that.  but pretending she was me?  I think thats a lie.  I dont know how to open a dialog about lying.  It starts fights that I no longer have the energy to sustain.  Maybe he is pretending with me too? 

thanks for responding to me 

sorry it took me so long...   but to answer your question.. he walked away from that life like it was meaningless....  he didnt even end it.   he just wouldnt talk to her anymore.   I am not sure I want to move on any further.  I thnk anyone could understand my fear and concerns.   Why lie about that?   I dont get it al all...  I didnt bother him after the initial visit.  I didnt pursure hiom because I assumed he had moved on and was happy.    I didnt want to mess it up.  The kids wanted a relationship with him and have been able to salvage one.  I am greatful for that.  They seem to be better now tat he is back in their lives.  But mine is sinking quickly.   

TY for the reply.  your concern is appreciated so much 

Hello.  I am a 47 year old female who just took her husband back after a 4 year separation.   Wow it is an emotional roller coaster.   It is something we both want and wanted.  However,  before you do this,  make sure the questions you ask about "while we were apart" are answered truthfully.    Honestly,  the answers,  if presented in a lie,  are far more damaging than anything else the two of you have been through.   Since my husband has returned I have learned things about him that actually turn my stomach.   He is a totally different person than the man I thought I knew.   In all honesty he is someone I would not have anything to do with at all.   He is manipulative and is a blatant liar.  I know I have gotten myself into a situation that perhaps I did on my own.  But... I never bargained for anything I have learned.  Strip Clubs, hookers, and total scanks, women he slept with out of the blue, women he took home from stip clubs,  are just the icing on the cake.  Lies about behaviors that he knew if I would have known upfront,   would have never agreed to move in together.  Lowlife friends and a lifestyle that would make his own mother cry.   Lowlifes that he lied about me to in an effort to make himself look better. Marriage proposals while he is still married to me was the first thing to cross my path.   The list goes on and on.    I know most people would feel I am crazy for trying.  But I remember how it was without him.  I love him with all my heart.  I fear that who I love is no longer with me.  I keep looking for him and he has not appeared.   I long for the relationship we had before.  I fear that it is never going to happen.  I can not recover from what has happened.  Maybe if the people he were around were even 1/10 of what I knew him to be, it would not be so difficult.   Maybe if he would have ended the affair he was having before comming home to be with me , I would be better.  Maybe this, Maybe that.  Who knows.   It is hard to maintain your self esteem and your trust.  It  IS an uphill battle all the way.   We have  been at this for over 1 year now.  We still argue about his lies after he came home.  We fight about his denials of how he felt and that he liked what he was doing. He claims one thing verbaly,  and his behavior states something different.   Also ,  he alone,  is responsible for his own actions.  Each time it breaks a little more of me and us away.   I am not without fault here. I also had an affair.   But it never felt right to me. I ended it very abruptly.   I wanted him But he was gone with out a trace.  I lived in hell for four years over my mistake.  Now I am to blame for his falling apart and falling into a world of  liars, hookers and crack whores, and lowlife women.   I am not sure how much longer I can hold up.  So People be smart.  Before you decide, think it through and do a little investigating on your own.  Save yourself and give it time.  

wow.. Bless you heart for saying something completely non-judgmental.  And offering faith as a backdrop for it.  I am so sorry for your loss.  I know your heart aches.   No problem is carved in stone with simple one liner judgments assessing a situation with out all the facts.  I support you and your are an honorable person for saying what you did.  People screw up sometimes.  But that in no way offers us a way out.   For better or worse means for better or worse.