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Messages By: ladywisdom

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October 5, 2005, 12:31 pm CDT

"Friend" After My Husbadn

I've been with my husband for the last 10 years and 6 years into it an old female "friend"  came on to the scene. She knew my husband longer than I did and she is married, so I thought--"what the hell, she seems okay." I was always suspciciuos of her motives for wanting to rekindle the friendship. She befriended his ex and became the god mother of his children. Throughout the years I feel like she's been dropping hints that leads me to believe that she wants my husband. Here's some clues: 

  

1. She says she used to have a lot of male friends years ago that she was interested in but they only wanted to be friends. 

  

2. She befriends his ex after she meets me in order to develop a relationship with his children. (Which I think is a tactic to never be out of the picture) 

  

3. She's been acting very jealous and catty with our renewal of vowes coming up. 

  

4. Now that our renewal of vowes are underway, she's having marital problems and they may be separating. 

  

5. She's trying to compete with me by adopting my style of dress and other ways and trying very hard now to force a closeness between the two of us. (I think she's just trying to mimic what he sees in me). 

  

6. She invites me over to her gatherings with the girls only to ignore me most of the time. (I think just to say I was there and make us look like "friends") 

  

7. She won't let me talk to her husband for more than 3 minutes before she breaks it up. ( I trust her with my husband, his children and seeing my husband practically every week and numerous phone calls and "lunch"!!!!!) 

  

The problem is that this woman is extremely well liked and any conforntation is going to make me look bad. How do I tell her to step off without alientating myself or creating problems with his children and myself? You know it's fishy when even my husband is now thinking that this is going in the wrong direction. 

  

  

  

 
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October 5, 2005, 12:35 pm CDT

Careful....

Quote From: ritehere

 What does it matter if anybody out here "gets" you? How is your husband going to take it if he finds out? Will he "get" you? That's what matters.

The truth ALWAYS comes to light.... 

 
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October 5, 2005, 12:39 pm CDT

In Your Shoes

Quote From: newhope76

    

Hello,   

I have an issue that eats away at me daily and I figured I would get soem objective opinions.  I had an best freind for 2o yrs...while now I realize it was mostly toxic. During that time we had many "joint" friends. However my best friend of 20 yrs treated me like dirt, used me and betrayed me.  During the course of that time we met another friend and we all used to hang out all the time. One day my ex best friend decided to not talk to our new friend anymore, for no good reason, and the new friend was fine with it.  Then when I decided that I had to let go of this toxic friendship with my ex best friend, she ran right to our "new" friend whom I had become very close with, as well as some other joint friends. However all of my other friends stood by me and said they had no desire to be freinds with my ex best friend who was toxic. However this one new friend has decided to become friends again with my  ex best friend because she never "really: did anything to hurt her. Now my ex best friend is even planning to go visit her and it makes me sick. How can someone that I value as a close freind want my ex best friend in thier life. I hate to make her choose, but I just cant stomache this relationship. Any advice would be appreciated.   

thanks in advance ;0)   

I've been in your shoes on many occassions. Whenever a friend tells you that they don't have a problem with some one because they didn't do anything to them that's code language for "I would like to have a friend where I can talk trash about you and you'll never know because they don't like you." It's unrealistic to serve enemies. You need to choose. If she can't choose I would recommend limiting what you tell her and start to distance yourself from the situation. Trust me, this scenario almost always plays out the same way. RUN!
 
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October 6, 2005, 2:16 pm CDT

Wow....

Quote From: debo1122

It sounds to me that this woman may just be jealous of what you have with your husband.   She is dressing like you, clinging to you, things like that.  I think its possible that she invites you to gatherings because she probably would like to have the life that you have;  it doesn't sound like hers is all that together. To interrupt a conversation that her husband happens to be in with another woman is nothing more than total insecurity and/or just plain immaturity.  My advice is to say nothing to her, she won't get it anyway, and pity her as opposed to fearing her intentions or motives.  Also, I think its important that you establish some boundaries with your husband as far as how much time he spends with her - whether it be with the children or not.    

Thank you so much for this advice. It's funny that since I've been talking to my husband he agrees with the need to establish firmer boundaries. He's finally catching on to what I've been trying to tell him.
 
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January 25, 2006, 4:02 pm CST

Husbands with female friends-Considering Divorce

I have been with my husband now for 5 years and I have to say that I am very bothered by his relationship with a female friend of his. When I initially met her I thought we would just do double dates occassionally, but I didn't expect for her to become so involved in his children's life (they go there almost every day thanks to his ex) and I certainly don't approve of the fact that they used to do so many things without me knowing about it. Time has gone on and I'm not dealing with this any better. Although my husband now have boundaries based on what I think is reasonable time to spend together, deep down I wish they weren't friends at all. I don't have any male friends anymore and I feel like this is a gross double standard. He didn't realize how damaging a relationship like this could be until last summer when she started to try to set up more and more "playdates" with him and her and the kids while I was at work of course!!!! Please give me some feedback. I'm starting to consider divorce.
 
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March 19, 2006, 9:57 pm CST

Wanting to get back to

 I have been with my husband for 5 years and in the beginning his daughter and I got along great. During the last 1-2 years the relationship between her and I deteriorated for various reasons. Luckily lately it seems like maybe the storm is over. I'm trying to be a little more understanding because I have a hard time with the way she's allowed to talk to adults. I have to remember that she's in a lot of pain but at the same time I want her to be respectful. This will help her not only with the "evil" stepmom (WHICH I'M NOT:-), but with people in general. I'm a little afraid that it's too late for us to be the fun blended family we started out as. Has anyone gone through an up and down period and lived to tell about it? I'm not trying to be her mother by any stretch, but it would be nice for us to feel at least like an additional family to her again, but I must admit that I might be the one holding on to a grudge. :-(
 
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March 19, 2006, 10:03 pm CST

Blended Family

Quote From: crystallm8

I am the step-mother in a blended family - I have one son of my own. My husband and his ex have gotten along great - they way it should be - for the past 5 years. His ex got re-married, communication stopped and they ended up in court for the first time since the birth of their child. I had the pleasure sitting outside of the court room, along with my counter part - the new Step Father. I tried to talk to him and had a rather lengthy conversation. At the end of it all, the actual problem was identified. The Step-Father actually said he is an equal to the Father. That the Father has no more right than he does. I tried to change his thinking - but it didn't work. Am I thinking wrong ? I would never consider myself as an equal to my step son's mother. I am a supporter to his father, not a replacement of his mother. The bad thing is the mother is changing her way of thinking to align with his. What can I tell the mother or step-father to make them realize what our roles are - and where the line is - actually, what exactly is our role - in comparrison to the biological parent ?
 Wow, I'm in a blended family as well. It sounds like you are well adjusted to your role and maybe he is a little over eager. In a way this is a good thing because at least he cares, but he has to back off a little because he is NOT an equal to the father like you've already stated. Maybe appeal to the fact that he has good intentions, but gently tell him that his role is to help, not lead. Reiterate how the mom and dad have been doing a great job and tell him that he won't be left out, but don't assert himself as a father either.
 
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March 19, 2006, 10:14 pm CST

It Doesn't Get Better

Quote From: bachor

trust me they dont change.   had a son from a previous marriange and he had a daughter from a preivious marriage, be fore we got married, his daughter would treat me like crap, lie about me, dis-repsect me and so on,  oh its a long story, so to make matters worse, he aid it wouold change once we got married that she would look at me as a mother and not a girlfreind, which he as to blame to he never scolded her or anything, alweays took her side and told me i had a jeoulous problem cause i didnt like her being mean to me aor talking to me like i was the devil himself.   he and her both since our marriage have gotten worsr.  they have me in such tears i work long hours to avoid going home.  she is now 10 years old.  i lways look forward to her days when sho goes to her mothrs.
 I hate to break it to you, but I don't think it's going to get better. You should at least be on the same page with her and she should execute if she claims she agrees with you. Don't fall into the trap of doing the hard work while she gets to look like the fun mom. It doesn't get better brotha, you might want to move on.
 
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April 2, 2006, 12:13 am CST

Easy for You to Say...

Quote From: aharmon

I say this to my husband at least once a month.  He is the step father to my 2 kids, ages 11 & 15.  He gets along well with my daughter but my son is a different story.  I do realize I am protective of my son but, for instance, my husband will say "See, he didn't even say goodnite to me" & I'll say "Why don't YOU say good night to him since you are the adult!" or he'll say things like "Every time he goes to his Dad's house he says good bye to you but he never says anything to me."  I just want to scream "GROW UP", be the adult and realize that he is a kid who may be thinking about what he's going to do for the weekend or he may be wondering if his dad got him a new toy or whatever, maybe next time YOU could say "Bye buddy, have fun at your dad's."  It just makes me so mad to even discuss things like that because it just seems so foolish and childish.  And to hear you say you may hold a grudge, AT A CHILD????? I don't know the age of the daughter but my advice to you would be to expect/demand respect, listen to her concerns or whatever & give her a break, she's just a kid, (learning from us scary adults :)  & probably feels a little angry), anyway, I've gone on long enough,  good luck, both my husband and I agree that this blended family thing is THE HARDEST thing we've ever done! 
 I think it's very easy as the "real mom" to sit up and say things that you've said. When you are the step parent you have no leg to stand on. The child knows they really don't have to respect you at all. Their "real" parent many times will applaud them for either disrespecting or disregarding the step parent because it makes them feel better and more secure. To tell a child what you expect from them when their own parents don't even agree with how you think a child should address adults is like talking to a brick wall. One famous response I've gotten was, "may I ask who made this decision yours to make?" Or how about the great call and hang up I've received if the "real" parent didnt' answer?  So yes, when you are the parent it is a lot easier for you to tell a step-parent to "grow up." Maybe some of the biological parents need to demand that their children respect any party involved!
 
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April 2, 2006, 12:19 am CST

*Poll* Would You Do it Again?

 Step-parenting is a very difficult job. It's many times thankless and misunderstood. You're many times the scapegoat for previous relationships not working out (even though you had NOTHING to do with the breakup), and on top of all of that, many of the children are disrepectful whether or not it can be justified by the pain they're feeling. It also seems like unless the bio parent is a crack-head, you pretty much will never be regarded as anything "good".

Would you do it all over again? Would you date a person with an exisiting family? I know this is the second time around for me and definitely my last. :-(
 

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