Message Boards

Messages By: parisienne

User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote
blank
August 16, 2005, 11:15 am CDT

Another New Perspective On Bullying

I had an sort of opposite experience concerning stalking. Here is my story: 

  

 

I had a friend that I was semi-close with-- we ate lunch together during high school and we both belonged to The French Club. She and I were on good terms. I graduated in 2002. I went on to college and when I came back for Christmas 2003 she requested that I help her with a French Club Newsletter. I wrote an article about what it is like being a French Major at college. She asked that I write another article which I did right before going back to school. Our contact was minimal (phone calls I believe) until September of 2004.  

  

This friend graduated in 2004 from my alma-mater. I was informed by a mutual friend of ours that "Danielle" might be attending my university. I figured I would send her an email and offer to go out for coffee to catch up. I also hoped to show her around campus (our campus is the biggest in the country!) so that she didn't feel so intimidated when she arrived. It is always nice to have a friend at college, you know? 

  

So I sent her an email and recieved an email from Danielle's parents (it was sort of odd because the timestamp said 3am and I don't know any parents who work during the week to be up at that hour) saying that I was a horrible, toxic, and indecent person who had done nothing but try to control their daughter in high school and that she wanted nothing to do with me. I was hateful and caused their daughter to seek mental counseling etc. I should seek mental help and that I should remove her email from my address book. 

  

Well, naturally I was very upset to recieve this sort of email merely because I believed that we had been on good terms despite our lack of regular conversations. So, I simply decided that this situation was bizarre and out of my league and decided to let it go. Sometimes the best medicine for friendship is to let it die a peaceful death.  

  

I went off to live my dream of Studying Abroad in Paris, France for the Spring semester 2005. (This is where things start to get really weird) I recieved an email from my dean of students at my home university. They were opening an investigation into cyberstalking and email bullying due to complaints about me! So I contacted my parents in the US and explained the situation. I needed representation so my dad (a former lawyer turned prof) offered to make contact with Danielle's mother Jeanne.  

  

The phone calls that he relayed to me were very bizarre. Basically I was supposed to have an obsession with Danielle, full of rage and hatred and doing my best to terrorize her via hateful emails and death threats. To this day I have no idea what brought this whole ordeal on. The last time I checked Danielle and I were friends-- so these charges seemed to rise up out of no-where.  

  

I came to find out that Danielle's parent's had filed the complaint not only with my Home University but also the American University of Paris. I was called for an RDV (Rendezvous) with the Dean of Students at The American University of Paris. Both Deans came to the conclusion that the situation was quite reversed and that both mother and daughter had a bizarre fixation upon me. They wanted to make as many people that I knew aware of what I was allegedly doing to them. Neither of the deans wanted to pursue the matter further and offered to help me in the future if the bullying and false accusations persisted.  

  

I got emails from friends saying that mother and daughter were coming into their work places to talk to them. Both women were demanding to know when I would return to France, where I was working and whether or not I was telling them what I was doing or they were in on the plot. They were able to obtain my contact information and my overseas address  due to the student directory at my home university.  

  

Flash forward to June 2005. I return from my wonderful experience abroad with a 4.0 at The Sorbonne University IV, and two very nice scholarships. I started recieving ugly and threatening posts (I was going to jail and I was sick etc. etc.) on my Xanga website. I also was recieving at least 25-50 hangup phone calls at my temporary job where I worked for the summer. I was beginning to believe that I was being followed and these ladies went so far as to post a "cease and desist" note to my mother's apt door! 

  

Since then I have re-located (temporarily) out of state with my parents and am still recieving cease and desist emails and accusations that I am mentally unstable. I wanted nothing more than to be friends and help Danielle out when she needed me. I have many good friends of over 8 years from growing up.  

  

My best friend and I have known each other almost 14 years! As of now I am finding it hard to meet new people and keep the sense of my open-ness that I had before this whole ordeal came to pass. I find myself being very selective in my new friendships. I am still worried that Danielle and her mother will attempt to get me kicked out of University again this year.  

  

They want nothing to do with me, but I don't understand why they feel the need to follow and harass me with accusations that I have an obsession with them.  

  

I wanted to tell this story so that everyone knows that there is always another side and perspective to any bullying and/or stalking claim. I believe that some children tell their parents horrible things (what Danielle has told her mother about me and our relationship I have no idea) about friends and what they are supposedly doing to them or have done in the past. I think you should always try to discuss the matter with a parent of the accused child prior to just believing everything your child says.  

  

If anything, if the child abusing your son or daughter is a friend (or thought to be) take it up with child in person. Odds are there is something else going on. While I fully support listening and believing your children-- I would also advocate getting the whole story before rushing to your child's defense without considering other options.  

  

My mother did a very severe interrogation of me when I got home and asked me if I was cyberstalking and sending the emails that I am supposed to have sent. I can say with all honesty that I have my goals set and my friendships and family relationships to sustain me and I have no reason to go around sending death threats and horrible emails to someone I was friends with back in high school.   

  

Both of my parents tried to talk to Jeanne to get the whole story and work something out. We have only recieved ranting and raving about "cease and desist" and something to the effect of "your daughter is crying out for help it seems, I feel so bad for her she must be having a horrible time [in paris]".  

  

So please, parents of bullied, harassed or stalked children-- remember that there is always another side to the story and it is best to gather all the facts before accusing anyone.  

  

Please let me know what you think. I welcome any comments or suggestions. I hope this helps or at least gives ya'll something to think about.  

 
User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote
blank
August 16, 2005, 11:40 am CDT

I Understand Completely!

Please see my post in the Bullying (today's show rerun) for more information and back ground on my situation, but I know the feeling of having someone cut you out of their lives for no apparent reason. I am still trying to get over the saga that surrounds a relatively good friendship that turned bizarre these past two years. It is very difficult especially without an explanation. You just end up wondering what you ever did to the person that no longer wants contact. My advice to anyone that wants to end a friendship-- please sit down and talk to the person about why you are doing what you are doing. Just cutting them out of your life with no explanation is a horrible way to deal with former friends. If you believe them to be a detractor in your life, that is alright. It is fine to make decisions about the people that you need in your life in order to be happy and healthy. However, it is always a good idea to give this person you are angry with and/or believe has wronged you a chance to explain themselves, and the possibility to save a friendship. I believe that almost any rational person would appreciate an explanation and opporunity to realize what they did wrong, and understand that they need to chance. Silence is never the best medicine for friendship and it only ends up hurting your former friend more. There are some relationships that must end, however, everyone deserves a second chance. Don't you think so? 

 
User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote
blank
August 16, 2005, 11:59 am CDT

A Good Friend Is...

Someone who realizes that they are not perfect and doesn't expect you to be
 

  

  

Honest, loyal, warm, and kind 

  

  

Can disagree with you but love you at the same time 

  

  

Will stand up for you  

  

  

Is willing to cry in front of you 

  

  

Is willing to let you see the worst and best parts of themselves periodically 

  

  

Never says never 

  

  

Encourages you to better yourself without pushing too hard 

  

  

Gives you a good smack if you are being a jerk, too hard on yourself, or unkind 

  

  

Is willing to be tough with you and tell it like it is when you need it (and sometimes don't want it) 

  

Supports your moments of temporary insanity 

  

You can be insane with him/her 

  

You can laugh so hard we them that meat (yes meat!) comes flying out of your nose 

  

You have pet names with each other  

  

You can be angry and still be friends a day later 

  

You like to play jokes on one another 

  

You can respect each other's limitations and differences 

  

You don't really have to say much for them to know everything you are thinking/feeling 

  

You can get lost with them on a road trip and neither of you seem to care 

  

You can deal with the fact that their family situation is messed up 

  

You help them through messed up family situations 

  

You can eat 11 euro/dollars worth of gummy candy between the two of you and not feel an ounce of guilt 

  

You can dance like an idiot in front of them 

  

They know your favorite ice cream flavor 

  

They'll binge on ice cream with you after your boyfriend dumps you 

  

They'll offer to put out a hit on the boyfriend that dumps you (haha not for real, just kidding!) 

  

They'll join you on fashion hits and misses 

  

They'll eat whatever you cook them no matter how bad you burn it 

  

They love the lop-sided cakes you make for them every year on their birthdays 

  

They don't try to buy your friendships with traditional gifts, but tailor-made ones that they know will please and surprise you 

  

  

They let you rant and listen to every word (no matter how many times you've repeated yourself) 

  

You can eat a bowl of chocolate-chip cookie dough with them and share the sickness afterward (oh but its worth it!) 

  

They bring chicken soup over when you are sick 

  

They bring you chocolate when you need it (which is most of the time hehe) 

  

They are willing to listen to you list all of their bad qualities when you are angry with them (even when they know that you love them anyway) 

  

They'll list all of your bad habits and qualities in return without ever forgetting what makes them love you.  

  

They are forever... 

  

  

 
User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote
blank
August 16, 2005, 12:15 pm CDT

My Best Friend: How We Met 14 Years Ago

I met my Best Friend of 14 years on the first day of second grade. She was the shy blonde, skinny girl sitting at the end of the table. Everyone else was talking and laughing-- I could see that she was feeling a little lonely and scared-- perhaps she was new? 

  

Well I decided that she and I were going to be friends right there (haha I hadn't exactly asked her opinion on the idea yet) so I walked up to her and told her, "hi my name is Allie do you want to be my new friend?" To this day I can't believe I was so direct, but I was 8 years old! I think I still subscribe to that policy... 

  

Well we started talking, played at recess and had sleep overs...even when my parents divorced and I moved over 300 miles away we kept in contact with letters and pictures. She invited me to her 16th birthday party and we sent each other invitations to our graduation ceremonies. 

  

Since we've been in college Alishah and I have seen more of each other. Every year we get together around my birthday to go to The Texas Renaissance Festival and catch up. She has since moved across the country and we don't get to talk often.  

  

However, when I was in France we still kept in contact via email, IM and now we are emailing and have our own blog together: http://friendshippixie.blogspot.com/ so that we can post and have fun online.  

  

I love my Alishah and thank God every day that we were able to find each other! 

 
User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote
blank
August 16, 2005, 12:46 pm CDT

How To Deal When A Friend Tells You That You Are Toxic?

Please note: Read my post in The Bullying Section to get the full history of this friendship with Danielle gone awry.  

  

I have a former friend that claims that I am stalking her. The truth of the matter is that she severed our friendship two years ago and I have abided by her wishes that we maintain no contact with one another in any way, shape or form.  

 

Sadly, her mother "Jeanne" has been sounding off to anyone that will listen (school officials, mutual friends, and my co-workers) that I am a horrible, toxic, and indecent person. I don't understand where all of these claims are coming from. First the stalking thing is completely preposterous. I am mature enough to realize that if she feels that I am not a good friend to her and never have been that I should move on with my life and she should do the same. She claims that I have a sicko obsession with her and that I just can't accept that our friendship is over. Naturally, when your friend tells you she never wants to see you again and then throws around all of these names-- one is angry. I was upset and hurt by her accusations, but not rage-filled like she claims. I don't want revenge, I just would like an explanation. I resigned myself a long time ago to the fact that such an explanation will never come to pass and I should just chalk it up to a bad experience in life and something to learn from. However, I have enough sense to realize that there is something wrong with this girl (and her mother by extension) if they feel the need to call attention to themselves (and me) by spreading these lies. It is slanderous and I don't really know what to do about it. If I contact Danielle or her mother to try to work it out I would just add fuel to the fire about how I am unable to "get over" the loss of her friendship.  The truth of the matter is that I have adjusted well to the fact that she and I are not friends. What I haven't adjusted well to is the way Danielle and Jeanne are handling our lack of communication by claiming that I am trying to make contact. If they want me to leave them alone why do they insist on being so hateful to me? Despite their claims that I am toxic-- I am not the one leaving horrible nasty messages on their Xanga website or telling all of their friends that they are horrible people. Infact the only thing I say when one of our mutual friends asks what in the world is going on between us is, "unfortunately, she doesn't want anything to do with me and all I can do is accept that, respect that and move on." What I need is advice on how to deal with this bizarre situation. The lingering question is that if they don't want anything to do with me, and they don't care about me (like they say) then why are they going to great links to try to take me to court, get me in trouble with my university, follow me around, talk to our mutual friends and basically have me included in their lives with all of it? I don't understand, but I know that I have done things so they can't contact the people I work with or my university anymore. It is an active smear campaign aimed at assasinating my character to anyone who will listen. You would think I would be angry-- but no, I just want it to stop and really I am very sad for these women that feel the need to pursue me so, and they just can't get over the fact that I want to respect their wishes-- if that is what they really want. If they want to have contact with me, then why not just say so? Why go through all of this messy, and harassing tactics to keep me in their lives when all they ever say is "cease and desist" and they "don't care one iota about my life except that I get a life and move on..." It is a very weird pattern of abusive behavior and I would like some other perspectives. Thank you so much for your help.  It is much appreciated. 

  

 
User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote
blank
August 16, 2005, 1:01 pm CDT

Praying For Healing

Quote From: poetmom

As another mother of a sexual abuse victim, I would like to thank you and your group for speaking out!!!   Also, would you mind emailing me information about your support group? I would be interested in being involved in something like that myself.  Thanks!!! 

  

Teresa 

I have many friends that I know that were abused as children. I work with many advocacy groups on my college campus to help victims of all ages. I pray for the healing of all the children throughout their lives to help them cope with this tragic loss of innocent that seems to be more common these days.  

  

I also work with many police agencies to monitor online chat-rooms and perform sting operations to try to catch the perverted animals that insist on preying upon innocent people. With the help, strength and courage of many survivors, current victims and supporters we are able to put away as many as 20 sexual predators a year. It may not sound like that much, but we hope to get more and more each year.  

  

I applaud victims and survivors for being able to look inside themselves and confront the demons that haunt their childhood memories. It isn't easy, but it is necessary in order to prevent the same atrocities from happening in vicious cycles.  

  

I support and pray for you all. May you find peace, love and strength on your journey of healing. 

 
User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote
blank
August 16, 2005, 1:12 pm CDT

Some Things I Am Passionate About:

 

1.) My Family: Maintaining contact when we all live and work in different states

2.) My Friends: Making sure that each one understands that they are loved and respected.
 

 

 

 

 

3.) My School Work: Doing the best I can to make use of the blessings that have afforded me the ability to go to university and learn. 

 

 

 

 

4.) Working To End Child Abuse: I work with many college campus groups aimed at preventing, prosecuting predators, and the journey to healing with victims 

 

 

 

 

5.) Travel: I love to get out and meet new people, visit new countries, and learn as much I can about my culture and heritage-- as well as the cultures of others 

 

 

 

 

6.) Language: I love to learn languages. I am a French Major, but I am minoring in  

Arabic, Russian, Italian, Chinese, and Spanish. Learning world languages enables me to gain new perspectives on the world. 

 

 

 

 

7.) French: I simply adore this language and Paris (other cities too)!! I just got done spending a semester abroad and it was the best experience of my life.  

 

 

 

 

8.) Cooking: I love to make things and invite friends over for a party with good food, close friends, and great wine (or beer) 

 

 

 

 

9.) Gardening:  I grow my own herbs and some vegetables, but I love to get out and work in the dirt! 

 

 

10.) Blogging:  I love to maintain and add new things to my blogs 

 

 

 

 

http://www.magiccoffeekitten.blogspot.com 

 

 

 

 

http://www.ourdreamofparis.blogspot.com  

 

 

 

 

 

Feel free to leave me comments, advice or just say hi! 

 

*GROS BISOUS* (big fat kiss!*  

~Ally~ 

 
User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote
blank
August 16, 2005, 1:15 pm CDT

Any Advice?

Quote From: parisienne

I had an sort of opposite experience concerning stalking. Here is my story: 

  

 

I had a friend that I was semi-close with-- we ate lunch together during high school and we both belonged to The French Club. She and I were on good terms. I graduated in 2002. I went on to college and when I came back for Christmas 2003 she requested that I help her with a French Club Newsletter. I wrote an article about what it is like being a French Major at college. She asked that I write another article which I did right before going back to school. Our contact was minimal (phone calls I believe) until September of 2004.  

  

This friend graduated in 2004 from my alma-mater. I was informed by a mutual friend of ours that "Danielle" might be attending my university. I figured I would send her an email and offer to go out for coffee to catch up. I also hoped to show her around campus (our campus is the biggest in the country!) so that she didn't feel so intimidated when she arrived. It is always nice to have a friend at college, you know? 

  

So I sent her an email and recieved an email from Danielle's parents (it was sort of odd because the timestamp said 3am and I don't know any parents who work during the week to be up at that hour) saying that I was a horrible, toxic, and indecent person who had done nothing but try to control their daughter in high school and that she wanted nothing to do with me. I was hateful and caused their daughter to seek mental counseling etc. I should seek mental help and that I should remove her email from my address book. 

  

Well, naturally I was very upset to recieve this sort of email merely because I believed that we had been on good terms despite our lack of regular conversations. So, I simply decided that this situation was bizarre and out of my league and decided to let it go. Sometimes the best medicine for friendship is to let it die a peaceful death.  

  

I went off to live my dream of Studying Abroad in Paris, France for the Spring semester 2005. (This is where things start to get really weird) I recieved an email from my dean of students at my home university. They were opening an investigation into cyberstalking and email bullying due to complaints about me! So I contacted my parents in the US and explained the situation. I needed representation so my dad (a former lawyer turned prof) offered to make contact with Danielle's mother Jeanne.  

  

The phone calls that he relayed to me were very bizarre. Basically I was supposed to have an obsession with Danielle, full of rage and hatred and doing my best to terrorize her via hateful emails and death threats. To this day I have no idea what brought this whole ordeal on. The last time I checked Danielle and I were friends-- so these charges seemed to rise up out of no-where.  

  

I came to find out that Danielle's parent's had filed the complaint not only with my Home University but also the American University of Paris. I was called for an RDV (Rendezvous) with the Dean of Students at The American University of Paris. Both Deans came to the conclusion that the situation was quite reversed and that both mother and daughter had a bizarre fixation upon me. They wanted to make as many people that I knew aware of what I was allegedly doing to them. Neither of the deans wanted to pursue the matter further and offered to help me in the future if the bullying and false accusations persisted.  

  

I got emails from friends saying that mother and daughter were coming into their work places to talk to them. Both women were demanding to know when I would return to France, where I was working and whether or not I was telling them what I was doing or they were in on the plot. They were able to obtain my contact information and my overseas address  due to the student directory at my home university.  

  

Flash forward to June 2005. I return from my wonderful experience abroad with a 4.0 at The Sorbonne University IV, and two very nice scholarships. I started recieving ugly and threatening posts (I was going to jail and I was sick etc. etc.) on my Xanga website. I also was recieving at least 25-50 hangup phone calls at my temporary job where I worked for the summer. I was beginning to believe that I was being followed and these ladies went so far as to post a "cease and desist" note to my mother's apt door! 

  

Since then I have re-located (temporarily) out of state with my parents and am still recieving cease and desist emails and accusations that I am mentally unstable. I wanted nothing more than to be friends and help Danielle out when she needed me. I have many good friends of over 8 years from growing up.  

  

My best friend and I have known each other almost 14 years! As of now I am finding it hard to meet new people and keep the sense of my open-ness that I had before this whole ordeal came to pass. I find myself being very selective in my new friendships. I am still worried that Danielle and her mother will attempt to get me kicked out of University again this year.  

  

They want nothing to do with me, but I don't understand why they feel the need to follow and harass me with accusations that I have an obsession with them.  

  

I wanted to tell this story so that everyone knows that there is always another side and perspective to any bullying and/or stalking claim. I believe that some children tell their parents horrible things (what Danielle has told her mother about me and our relationship I have no idea) about friends and what they are supposedly doing to them or have done in the past. I think you should always try to discuss the matter with a parent of the accused child prior to just believing everything your child says.  

  

If anything, if the child abusing your son or daughter is a friend (or thought to be) take it up with child in person. Odds are there is something else going on. While I fully support listening and believing your children-- I would also advocate getting the whole story before rushing to your child's defense without considering other options.  

  

My mother did a very severe interrogation of me when I got home and asked me if I was cyberstalking and sending the emails that I am supposed to have sent. I can say with all honesty that I have my goals set and my friendships and family relationships to sustain me and I have no reason to go around sending death threats and horrible emails to someone I was friends with back in high school.   

  

Both of my parents tried to talk to Jeanne to get the whole story and work something out. We have only recieved ranting and raving about "cease and desist" and something to the effect of "your daughter is crying out for help it seems, I feel so bad for her she must be having a horrible time [in paris".  

  

So please, parents of bullied, harassed or stalked children-- remember that there is always another side to the story and it is best to gather all the facts before accusing anyone.  

  

Please let me know what you think. I welcome any comments or suggestions. I hope this helps or at least gives ya'll something to think about.  

After this long post I was hoping for some advice about what do with my situation? Thanks.
 
User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote
blank
August 16, 2005, 3:24 pm CDT

Taking Responsibility For Being A Bully

I think that it is a great thing that students are being incouraged to stand up for one another. I was bullied through out Middle School, but now with the fact that students are using the internet a lot more (I graduated in 2002 so it hasn't been that long since I was in middle school, but it is still a great testament to the fact that the use of the internet has grown substantially.) the bullying becomes even more impossible to escape. I am 21 and I love to use the internet to blog online,  

chat, and keep in contact with my friends when I am not able to see them on a regular basis. Mostly it is to facilitate constant contact with my friends who live over-seas or in other states. However, my mother made an interesting point that since young people use the internet more and more in our daily lives (with blogs, profiles, IM services) that we are making ourselves sitting ducks. I made the argument that we should be able to take advantage of technology without the fear of someone posting horrible things about us online, hounding us via AIM (and other servers) and getting horrible emails that tell us to commit suicide. I can personally attest to the fact that you can be without a main source of internet and the threat of cyber-bullying is still a problem. I had very limited access to the internet while I was studying abroad this past spring. I still recieved complaints against me that I was cyber-bullying a former friend by posting false websites, and pretending to be other people in order to harass her. Whether or not you have a computer in your home it is still possible to have someone out there victimize you in more ways than one. I believe that my situation is rare, but I don't know who is harassing my former friend. It certaintly isn't me. I subscribe to Dr. Phil's school of thought that I have found my own self-worth and value myself enough to realize that even if this former friend of mine doesn't want to be my friend any more that doesn't give me the right to bully them. There is no excuse for bullying. I have been accused of horrible things by someone I believed to be my friend. Once again I wanted everyone to know that there is always another side to the bullying story. While I don't believe in blaming the victim, you have to watch out for people like my former friend. They will egg-on children and others secretly and torment them in a not-so-public way (in my case they went and told as many of my friends as they could what I was supposedly doing to them) and when we try to defend ourselves we are accused of being the aggressors. There is strength in numbers, but we have to be sure that there isn't something more sinister going on with accusations of bullying. It could be a new, and very twisted form of bullying itself.  

  

  

  

 
User Mood
Peaceful

Message Emote
blank
August 17, 2005, 8:36 am CDT

Thank You!

Quote From: amberita05

I would like to add, although it may upset some people, that Tess had to have said/did something in the first place.  I understand the bullying she is recieving now has gone way too far, but what is pushing these kids to say such mean things about her. I believe that Dr. Phil made Tess out to be an INNOSCENT victim.  I don't think she is.  From experience, I know she had to have contributed some. Does it deserve all that bullying, NO. But, Tess shouldn't have been made out to be an innoscent victim.  I think we only saw half the story.

While it may upset some people to "blame the victim" -- victims are not always 100% innocent. I've been saying this all along...sometimes supposed "victims" can be the bullies in disguise. In this day an age when there is new awareness of such problems and there is more and more being done about it-- if you have someone that has been secretly (whether it be physically or verbally, or even social abuse) tormenting you for weeks and then you finally get upset and exclaim, "oh I'll get them!!!" it can be percieved as a threat to the other student when the whole story hasn't been brought to life. Personally, even though I suffered bullying during middle school, I think that there is more advanced, smarter type of bully (sociopathic perhaps?) that can use concerned parents, teachers and school administrations to do their bullying for them. All you have to do is level an accusation that someone you don't like is bullying you and you don't have to do anymore. Their reputation is ruined and you can keep doing whatever you want to them and if they fight back it makes it worse for them. Watch out for this...I've seen it happen and it has happened to me.  

 

First Page | Previous Page | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | Next | Last
Return to Message Board