Messages By: parisienne

Thank you for your response! I live in Texas and here the stalking laws are not as stringent. Sadly, this girl and her mother have disappeared from my hometown, and have been sighted in Dallas, here in Austin, and her friends (who insist on talkin to me too) all tell me that she is living out of the country.  

My lawyer and I hired a PI who discovered that she is still in San Antonio-- but she keeps a low profile and continues to try to gather information on me. It is very strange.  

Bonjour Everyone,
I know that it is has been a while since I have been on the boards, but I am being masochistic and taking 18 hrs. of summer school (Italian!). Anyway, I have been chewing on this problem and it seems that all the flavor has gone out and I wanted to get someone else's opinion about what I should do or the advice I should give my best friend.  I sincerely apologize for all the reading that is entailed, but when you get done you will understand why I put it all in here.

First of All a Little History so you know more about the atmosphere (its kinda long so please forgive me but the information is essential I think):

I have said that she should come on here and post because it is very helpful. However, she feels too embarassed to come to the Dr. Phil website! She basically told me that she doesn't like the new-agey, touchy-feely stuff because that was not how she was raised to express herself. Essentially both of her parents told her to live with her lot in life and be thankful to God that she was lucky enough to have even that due to that fact that her life-beginnings were very humble (she was adopted just like me, so I am not exactly sure what they mean...but eh). Expressing her emotions was frowned upon the entire time she was growing up and I really think that this habit is coming back to bite her in the derriere.

I have been friends with "Honey" for 15 years now (since we were both 7) and we have both been through very traumatic upbringings (divorce, abuse etc.). Our abuse histories are different,  and so are the ways in which we chose to deal with them.

For me it was Sex, Drugs and Rock n' Roll-- I became a very hardened, rage-filled partier for about 4 years (6th-10th grade).

Honey on the other hand retreated into her shell and spent most of her time sequestered in her computer room playing online RPG games where she could essentially make-up any reality that she wanted and felt safe there.

We lost touch after 7th grade due to our respective life-style choices-- we wrote letters about twice a year (we lived in different cities)

Eventually we both emerged from our self-imposed pits and got in contact more often. I was no longer boozing it up etc. because my mom had told me that it was about time that I cleaned up or shipped out...she didn't want to kick me out and honestly the realization that she almost had no choice (due to the fact that I was essentially endangering my family with my behavior) scared me so much that the shock forced me to deal with the fact that my future really depended on kicking the lifestyle and that I was punishing no one but myself.

Honey, on the other hand had moved up from the cramped computer room stage to an entirely different stage that alarmed me when we talked on the phone. She talked about planning her funeral and told me all about it. I begged her to get out and get some sun-- to go to a dance or two that her christian school was holding and laugh a bit-- essentially I really wanted her to stop curling up with the malevolent thoughts that kept her constantly spiraling up and down.

I told her that she should seek the help of her parents and really tell them what is going on...I had always assumed that her family life was at least adverage if not contented. Both of her parents were doctors and she was never denied anything I could think of materially. They even through her a very lavish Sweet-16 Party that I attended where she invited her whole school. We had a good time, but I had no idea was bubbling under the surface.

She told me that it was all a sham-- that her parents had orchestrated this elaborate ruse for the society pages (yes, those do STILL exist especially for the doctor/lawyer/Advertising set) and that life at home ressembled a war zone rather than the healthy happy family that I had always pictured.

I had always known that her father was harsh with her. However, I never knew that her mother joined in the sadistic bouts with him! Essentially they bullied her and told her that her real mother (her adoptive mother's sister) was a drug-addicted prostitute piece of trash and that they saved her from that life, but not that it really mattered because the quality of her character was such that she was bound to fail and that she was so stupid, unattractive, and lacking in social skills that she should just go live under a bridge while she could!!!!!

This had been going on since she was 12 and she hadn't said a word to me about her daily tormented evenings at the dinner table. I felt so taken back that I just couldn't believe that she didn't reach out to me and ask me for help. I would have asked my mom if she could have come to live with us, shared my room-- you know, all of it if that was the way it was for her.

She told me that she spent the evenings counting out pills on the counter top and calculating based on her age, weight, and various concoctions what would be the least painful way to ingest enough of whatever pill it was that she would just go to sleep and never wake up. I tell you that I was having a royal freakout by this time and I told her that I would tell my parents and that something had to be done (this was in 2002).

She said that if my parents talked to hers that somehow it would all be worse because she wasn't supposed to tell ANYONE about what went on in the house. It was "family business" and private and that even talking to me about it was forbidden. I was stuck-- so I told her that I would tell my mom but we would think about a way of dressing it up so that when she did come out and live with us for a little while that it would be a "vacation" and nothing permanent would be discussed.

Once she got out with me then we could figure out if she would just stay and her parents would have to suck it up.

In the end we agreed that she would come out and visit me at regular intervals until she went to college and that would give her a break from all of it. That is what we did.

FAST FORWARD TO SUMMER 2004:

Honey had bounced from college to college--- essentially she couldn't decide what she wanted to major in and her parents kept telling her that she would do what they wanted (i.e. medicine) or they wouldn't pay for anything and she would be on her own-- essentially disowned from the family. That scared her more than anything so she tried and tried and tried.

Then things started going south.

This rocked my foundation to the core—we had just re-discovered each other and gotten used to living so close the past year. It made me angry too—but there was absolutely nothing anyone could do…Honey needed the help and approval I guess—security…I don’t really know—of her mother and she had grown so jealous that she said that it was starting to really hurt her inside.

I had already applied to study for the year in Paris, France, . The deal that Honey and I had talked about was I was going for a year, but she would come out to visit me at Christmas (paid for by my scholarship money that I had been saving since 2002 as a special treat for both of us) for a whole month.  Now I was leaving and she was leaving and going in completely different directions (both geographically and life-situation wise).  I left in September from the Houston Airportwhere Honey came to see me off—I was so torn—I was going to live my dream, but I had no idea when I would see my best friend in the whole world, the girl who was like a sister to me—again.  I thought about her and her life—how much I loved her for the entire 8 hours of my flight.

 
SUMMER 2006 (PRESENT)

In the end, things have worked out rather well. I am actually surprised at the outcome.

Honey and I have both had productive lives apart. I am done with University and travel constantly between Paris, and Austin, TX. She has found a successful job working at a hospital in the computer services, and food-services depts… To add to this she has met and fallen in love with a nice boy named Ed.

They plan to get married soon but there are a number of problems that she says that are brewing now:

1.)   Her potential sister in-law HATES her! “Cyndy” has an online blog in which she openly references my best friend as “stupid, annoying girl” . She also always makes snide comments about Honey in Ed’s presence. Honey is used to getting put down so she doesn’t say anything and Ed doesn’t seem to realize the catty situation that has developed between them.

2.)   Honey’s parents have openly disapproved of Ed because he doesn’t have a college degree and they threaten to excommunicate Honey if she goes through with plans to marry him

3.)   Ed says that he wants to marry Honey “soon” but she has been waiting over a year after she moved in with him (with the belief that they would marry soon) and he keeps telling her “don’t get your hopes up” or something like that despite the fact that he keeps telling her he wants to propose to her, and that with the sister situation that she is “not going anywhere”.

My problem that I need advice on is that she asks me what she should do about Cyndy, her parents and how to deal with Ed—and I have told her the following—I need to know if I am on base here or not:

1.)   Cyndy is jealous of the attention that Honey gets from Ed…that’s all. She is immature and hateful and that she should sit down and talk with Cyndy to at least come to terms about being civil

2.)   Her parents will never be satisfied with whoever she brings home, befriends or anything else…they are bent on being miserable and bring her down so she should simply do what she feels is right and if they excommunicate her then what she really missing out on? In my opinion not much!

3.)   She should tell Ed that he should propose, give her a time estimate and/or quit dangling carrots in front of her. I worry that he is keeping her on a leash of potential marriage just so that he can get all the benefits without any of the responsibilities. I have never met Ed, but I just think it is a little cruel to keep someone in suspense about when and IF the marriage will ever occur.

Honey gets so depressed with it all and she feels so isolated that I wonder if she is really happy. She says she as happy as she could expect to be, but I am not really sure what that means. I could really use some advice because I really do love her with all my heart. I want nothing but the best in life for my Honey Bee (hence the SN I gave her in this post) and I just hate it that I am so far away and I can’t really DO anything for her from here except give advice and listen. I just hope that I am giving the right advice, you know?

Sincerely, and Respectfully:
Parisienne

Well my story is a little bit convoluted, but I am going to try to make it clear. I apologize for the length. Please have patience with me.

I have a friend, I'll call her Jamie, she used to live two doors down from me and we became friends when I saw one of her very cute, fluffy cats in the window. From that point we became friends, and she also became friends with my boyfriend. We did many things together and things were going well.

My boyfriend and I acknowledged that Jamie is a drama queen, and she has had some substance abuse problems, depression as well as alcholism for the years that we did not know her and continued problems with these things during the course of our friendship.

We have tried to be supportive of her, and encourage her towards more positive activities including staying in school (she attends community college) and seeking more positive people to hang out with. For a while we would go out with her often,and almost all the time she would get drunk, and end up fighting with whichever boyfriend she was maintaining at the time. Either that or she would get into fights with another female friend who provided her with methamphetamine and alchol. My boyfriend and I tried to steer clear of all of these instances, but with her residence so close to us-- we didn't feel like we could leave her to harm herself or allow others who wouldn't leave her alone to continue to abuse her. So we usually tried to mediate and get things settled before we would turn in for the night. It was stressful, and honestly we had been debating taking a break from the friendship for quite some time.

Then, in the summer of 2006 I gained employment in a retail place and recommended Jamie for a sales position there because I knew that with her personality (she is upbeat and friendly when she is not drinking and on drugs) that she would do well at this type of a job. She got the job and was finally able to quit her job as a stripper which helped her escape and clean herself up a little better. We started working together and that meant that we would see each other 4 and 5 times a week-- based soley on the nature of our job.

Since she lived two doors down-- she would leave her window open (she smokes in the apt and opens the window to air it) and do homework at her desk there. I would often come home and say hello and ask her how she was doing. It would be five minutes at most, and 30 seconds at the least. This would happen maybe once a week and occasionally (once or twice a week) I would knock on her door and ask her if she would like to join us for dinner or a movie.

Other than that I basically let her do her thing, and tried not to be a nosy neighbor. My boyfriend was becoming irritated because Jamie would come over and ask for things (cokes, sugar, chocolate-- basically refreshments. Cat litter or some other supplies) and I would give them to her because it has been my experience that that is what neighbors do. You are friendly and helpful because that is what a good person does. Well, my boyfriend was saying that she was just taking things and had no intention of returning the favor in the future and we should limit our involvement when letting her take things from us. He didn't want to pay for all of her supplies when she was taking advantaged of us.

I thought this was a bit harsh, but agreed to it because I could see where he was coming from. Shortly after this turn of events I would be at work and we would be working together and Jamie would exclude me in conversation, be cold and short with me when I addressed her directly and basically made it a point to communicate that she was not happy with me over something. I didn't want to press the issue so I let it pass.

At one point her behavior at work was becoming decidedly unfriendly towards me and I couldn't figure out why. I sent her an email over myspace and asked her if there was something wrong and let her know that if I had made a mistake or offended her in any way that I would be more than willing to talk it over and let her know that we could work it out.

I got this diatribe via email that I was "smothering her" that I "barged into her house" and "invaded her privacy" by saying hello and inviting her to dinner. That I was "draining her of energy and she didn't even have time to be angry with me. That she loved me but she didn't want to see my face everyday."...

I was shocked and hurt. I have never entered anyone's home without knocking and waiting for either the door to open or them to let me know it was open and to come in. That is simply good manners that my mama taught me. It never occurred to me that my expressions of friendship and general friendliness would be misconstrued as smothering.

My reply to her email was that she has been coming over at all hours to request that we let her "borrow" things. Getting drunk and getting into fights with various people as well as doing drugs at all hours-- and out of our concern for her as a friend we had come over to make sure she was okay. That I didn't mean to invade her privacy, but it was just concern and trying to be a friend.

She kept on about how she was the victim of my aggressive attempts to be her friend and that I should apologize! I was astounded and angry-- I replied that I was cutting her off and that I was no longer her friend. That all these accusations were unnecessary and that they stemmed from her own personal problems and nothing to do with me. She should look within herself and get herself together and not blame me for trying to be a good friend and neighbor.  

During the course of 6 months that I had been "friends" with her and prior to her accusations of smothering the following had taken place:

1.) High on drugs and drunk-- she showed up at our door and begged my boyfriend to take her to the airport at 4am to fly to Minnesota to stay with a guy she thought was her "soul mate" that she met over myspace. My boyfriend obliged, but told her that it would never happen again and she should get her stuff together-- stop being so flaky.

2.) After meeting her current fiance-- she went out drinking with our manager and forgot her keys with a friend. Her boyfriend picked her up after she got thrown out of a downtown bar...she then proceeded to verbally abuse him and physically assault him. Then when he backed off and told her that he would leave her if she continued the madness she knocked on my door. I was asleep and came out to the sound of shattering glass! She had broken her front window to enter her apartment because she was convinced her cats were in danger of something.  Her boyfriend, Ian, told her that he was leaving and that he loved her but he couldn't stick around for this. So I was left trying to tend to her wounds (the glass had cut her arms up really bad) she wouldn't let me give her first aid and then started throwing things at me and told me to go home and that she didn't need anyone or anything. Confused and sleepy-- I did.

3.) After I let my manager know what was going on (I felt I owed her an explanation for the catty behavior that she had observed between myself and Jamie over the last couple of weeks) and simply that it was something to consider-- Jamie came in on her day off when I was working-- and yelled and screamed at me that, "when I ask for space I don't need you talking about it at F-ing work!" and threw things at me in the middle of the work place.

For the last 4 or 5 months things at work have been tense. Jamie is good friends with our manager and told her that I was spreading rumors about the current situation at work. So I was told that I would be written up if I brought my personal probs to work. Jamie is also able to get away with certain things and get certain priviledges because of her friendship with our manager. I can't say anything because it would look like I am continuing our "feud" at work.

Jamie recently got engaged to Ian and made a big deal out of it at work. She has since become closer with her druggie friend from earlier (whom she had a falling out with prior to our disagreement) and the thing that has me confused is that she is now acting super friendly to me.

I mean, I'll take it over the outright hostility that I have been enduring at work from her over the past five months. However, she asked me to help her write a paper for school and advice on it etc. I talked it over with her and gave my professional opinion (I graduated from college and am training to be a teacher of French, English and History) and as neutral leaning towards a friendly advice about how to improve her paper.

Since then things are going okay. I am very confused as to proceed. The way I am thinking about it is that she is only friendly to me when she wants something from me, and as long as I know that I can go about my business and realize that there is nothing good to be gained by being friends with her.

I am satisfied with the way things are going, but I am wondering-- what should I do if she wants to be "friends" under her definition? I am concerned that she will try to take advantage of me again and my boyfriend has basically written her off. I am trying to do the same to a certain extent, but since I work with her it is a fine line. I have to be friendly with her there because otherwise I could lose my job by being accused of "continuing the feud" that I'm sure that Jamie has told our Manager all about, but since they are friends she is able to do that. I am not. I am not able to confide to anyone at work about the problem. This double standard frustrates me.

I asked her if we were ever going to resolve the problem and really sit down and discuss it. I don't like to have it hanging over our heads, but she said that she was, "not ready to discuss it." She believes that I "don't know what I did, and don't realize how I hurt her". I'm trying to figure how being a good friend and watching out for her safety constitutes "hurting" her.

I think its a bunch of baloney and she is never going to admit that she behaved badly. Talking it over with me would mean that she would have to admit being a complete psycho, and behaving like a child. I don't really want to be friends with her, but it is a shame that things had to work out this way.

I don't know how to respond when she is all sweetness to me when she wants something and am continuously being left out of conversations and afterwork get-togethers-- unless I have something that someone in the group wants (connections at bars, money or other things). Even then, I don't accept because I don't want to deal with the inevitable drama that I am sure will ensue.

My boyfriend says good riddance to bad rubbish. I have a feeling he is right... Opinions?

I know how this is-- granted, I didn't lose the friendship because of a romantic rivarly issue-- but none the less, the poster above me is completely correct in that you have to state to her that you are ready and willing to talk about the issues when she is ready. Let her know that you have something to talk about when she is ready, and then LET HER COME TO YOU.

Don't call, write, txt. message-- just let her be. Eventually she will come around. If she doesn't then you just have to chalk it off to a life experience that hurts, but none the less did you some good. I hate to say it, she doesn't sound like that great of a friend if she allows ONE man to come between you.

Men come and go-- at varying lengths of time-- but in the end it is always a girlfriend that you can count on. Or at least that should be the case. Please let us know how this goes.