Messages By: cenobia

Hi everyone, 

I am new here too, and I could really use some insight on a few things.   

My husband and I don't seem to get along.  We've been together for ten years, married for two now.  We have three children together, we did everything backwards.  We don't seem to enjoy eachother's company at all.  My husband works second shift so he doesn't get home till late.  About 11pm or later.  Sometimes not till three in the morning.  And I usually wait up for him so I can at least see him for a while.  If I didn't wait up, I'd see him on average of an hour a week.  He tells me he comes home late because he is avoiding me.  But I don't know why, I don't nag him about anything.  Never tell him what to do or give him chores.  I feel like I am just a maid, a prostitute and a nanny.  I don't feel like a life partner.  I ask him for advice on things, things that have to do with the entire household, and he says he can't tell me what to do so he won't give me advice.  I am responsible for waking him up for work, even though we have an alarm clock.  He won't use it.  Doesn't even know how to set it.  He says I have to ask him for hugs and kisses, he can't just give them to me because he wants to.  When we argue he always tells me to leave, that he doesn't love me, that he wants a divorce.  He makes me feel totally stupid and unworthy.  The only time he gives me any real attention is when he wants sex from me.  Then he says things about that.  He says that I'm a horrible mother, that the house is filthy and it's my standard of housekeeping not his.  But I clean all day, and sometimes yeah, there are things that aren't done, like folding the clothes.  But big deal.  He can't take the trash out, the only chore that he does have, until there are about 4 bags of trash in the kitchen.  I never say a word about it either.  The only thing he wants to do is play his stupid computer game.  And it used to be something we did together until he threw my computer on the floor.   

He wants to keep everything seperate.  He won't introduce me to his friends, even though they invite both of us out for movies and such.  He won't give me advice about things, won't meet my friends cause he says they are stupid and he doesn't care who I hang out with.  Just today I said I could use a hug and he told me to hug the ice cream man.  He says his life sucks, but by saying that, doesn't it mean that we all suck?  He won't even help me pay the bills.  He says that all he has to do is work.  And that alone should tell me he loves me.  Does he love me when he tells me I'm retarded, and that I'm stupid and have no friends cause I can't get along with anyone?  Does he love me when he tells me that I'm selfish because I wanted to go back to college to get a BA, so I could make our lives better with a better income?  Does he love me when he says that I suck in bed and that he has multiple accounts to online porn?   

I am so tired of all this stuff.  I am afraid to leave though because I don't have a job, no savings, no where to go.  We are lower middle class and we struggle every month to pay bills.  With three kids it is hard to get everything we need sometimes.   

Well thanks for reading 

Cenobia 

Hi, 

Thank you for writing back.  I had a long talk with my husband last night and told him I was on the verge of really filing for a divorce if nothing changed.  He tried to excuse his behavior when we argue by saying that he is mad and things just come out.  I told him that I can not argue like that anymore and it has to stop.  That it really effects me when he says things like that, even just knowing he doesn't mean it doesn't really help much.  I also let him know that my needs aren't being met and he can no longer ignore me.  He doesn't think that he is though, so we are going to try to meet in the middle more.  Hopefully this canyon between us can be crossed.  I think he's been comfortable in where we were and hasn't realized that we've been slipping away from each other.  We'll see how it all works out. 

thanks again 

Cenobia 

I disagree with you, some victims can be innocent in it.  I was bullied for years in school, and I can not remember an instance of where I made them bully me.  I was a quiet, reserved, intellegent person who kept her nose in a book for most of my school years.  In fact, three of the girls who bullied me had been my friends in elementary school, then we were parted for a year, she was in sixth and I in seventh, and the year after that she started in on me.  It was never something my parents cared to deal with or help me with [long story with that but they basically bullied me at home too] so I was left to deal with it on my own.  The teachers ignored it, the bus drivers ignored it, and one day in 11th grade I had enough and popped someone in the nose.  That ended the whole thing.  No one bullied me again.  I can tell you though, if I saw any of these girls today, I'd open up a can of whoop a-- on them.   

I think these schools need to adopt a no bully policy.  Not one that is just written down, but one that is actually enforced.  The schools ARE responsible in providing a safe and stress free enviroment so our children can learn.  And any adult who ignores this responsibility by refusing to help, or making it harder for the bullied children and easier for the bullies, is a bully themselves.  It is idiotic to think that when parents try to get something done about it they are turned away.   

On the show, they had the mother who's daughter had killed herself because of a bully.  The girls that pushed the daughter over the edge should have been punished.  The rumors and "theme of the day" thing should have been stopped.  It should never have happened.  How many adults work at that school?  How many of them saw something questionable?  Heard something questionable?  And yet no one helped.  They aren't innocent in this, they stood by and let it happen, when they d--n well should know better.  They are weak people, probably more interested in a perverse popularity contest with the kids, being the cool teacher, that they end up bullying the unpopular kids.  It's a shame to our society to have parents afraid of sending their kids to school.  A shame that some teachers and school staff have no backbone, no compassion and no common sence to help when it's needed. 

~Cenobia 

Hi 

Grats on the new baby.  I miss having a baby around.  Mine are getting older, seems to go by so fast.  I too am trying to get back to work.  I worked a part time job last year, which worked out well because I didn't need a babysitter.  I just hate trusting anyone with my kids.  Anyway, a few suggestions that I found helpful are to make sure everything you can do ahead of time is done the day before.  For example, lay out all the days clothing, make sure backpacks are put together for school and all paperwork signed etc.  If you make lunches for them, have those done as well.  Also if you get your clothing ready and everything you need too, briefcase or whatnot.  It may be annoying to do sometimes, but it does save sooo much time and it makes the mornings run smoother.  Also if your child's school serves breakfast, by all means take advantage of that.  It will save time too.  My kids eat breakfast at their schools, and when I come home at the end of it all there won't be any dirty dishes from the morning.   

Also planning for meal times is a good time saver.  I usually write out what we are going to have for an entire week and then when I shop it's all written down.  Then when I go to make it I have everything I need.  This also helps me to cut down on junk food spending.   

This also may be borring, but it is good to have a schedule for homelife.  Dinner at the same time, do dishes right after, homework same time every night.  Kids do like the sence of security it brings, and if it's all planned out there is less time wasted and more quiet time at night, which translates into time for yourself, which all mothers need desperately. 

If I think of anything else I'll write again.  Good luck. 

~Cenobia 

Hi 

Does anyone know what happened with Tina's children?  I was trying to find out if there was an update or anything.  I feel so horrible for Tina and for her kids.  Her ex is a horrible person to do this to them.  I wish you all the best Tina, and hope your babies come home safe. 

~Cenobia 

Hey,  

I always thought i was bullied to for being ugly.  It took me a long time to realize that I'm not ugly at all.  It's just that they wanted me to feel that way for some reason.  I am sorry for everything you've been through.  And yes the adult world can still feel like high school.  I once was picked on in Walmart for being small chested...and that's a hoot to me now.  But like I said, it does take awhile to get past.  And while some adults are still the same as they were in high school, there are plenty of others who don't act that way, who actually grew up and learned that perfection on the outside is not the indication of the person on the inside.  I know better from experience and because of some of the people that have been in my life.  Outside beauty fades, even with all the money in the world, it will fade.  Inner beauty sustains.    

The people who find a reason to mistreat others are missing something in their lives.  They don't know what respect means, what kindness is or what true friendship is.  They will miss that chance because they are so focused on external factors.    

An example from when I was in high school, there were these two girls who seemingly had it all, and they were supposed to be best friends.  But as soon as one turned around, the other would stab them in the back, steal their boyfriends, start rumors etc.  So they didn't only bully the easy targets, they bullied their "friends".  And why?  Because they think they are special, they think they have that right for one reason or another.    

Seems to me that this whole bullying problem starts at home.  Maybe some parents are doing something, giving their kids reason to believe that differences should be picked on and punished for.  Or maybe the kids aren't getting enough attention at home, and bullying others gives them attention.    

I know that the focus on being beautiful is everywhere.  Magazines, tv, movies, books etc etc.  We are surrounded by outward perfection.  But no one can say how beautful that person really is, because we don't know them.    

~Ceno  

Many, many hugs.  I can't even express how sorry I am for what happened.  You have found a strength in this and have done something wonderful, for that I commend you.   

I do believe too that this bullying attitude stems from the parents, things like that are learned behavior sometimes.  Parents pass on prejudices and attitudes and it takes a strong child to learn that their parents aren't always right. 

I wish you all the best, and all the strength 

~Ceno 

LOL Hi Judy,  

I know what you are saying about your husband, mine is the same way.  Although sometimes he will help.  But that's far and few in between.  I don't agree with how woman are always the ones, and this will sound like a bad thing, that are stuck taking care of all the children's stuff.  It is a total injustice to me.  But that's the way life is I guess.  Men figure since we are the ones that carry the baby for 9 months that it must mean we will do it for 18 more years.  Then they want to mess around with our reproductive systems, making it so we can't get the morning after pill and all that...but that's another issue.  LOL, anyway, it doesn't hurt to ask your husband for help.  And with you going back to work, he should be able to help out more.  Divide the housework, make a list for you and him and see how that goes.  I plan on trying that myself when I find a job.  Your hubby could put on coffee for you, or wake you up in the am, or even through in a load of clothes into the washer in the morning.  May seem like little things, but those things help.    

I found a weekly menu planner online, I used a different one but I didn't have luck finding the original site for that.  This one looks good though ...   

http://www.moneymanagement.org/Education/Budgeting/Grocery/MenuPlanner.pdf  

It does take some time to set out all the kids clothes and everything the day before, but they do have those nifty closet orginizers that have shelves for every day of the week, and it lets you set out the clothes for the whole week.  Maybe that would be something for you?  Would take longer every week, but you'd only have to do it that once.    

Let me know how things go...good luck too...  

~Ceno =}  

Here is one of those organizers so you can see what i was talking about... 

http://www.lillianvernon.com/catalog/product_display.jsp?pdId=2414&name=School+Days+Closet+Organizer&parentCatId=3&catId=32 

~Ceno 

Hi Judy, 

Glad I was able to help.  I'm starting to get ready here for school.  We start on Wednesday.  Finally!  All is well here.  I tend to think of these things last too.  The first year my son was in school, we were almost always late.  LOL!  But now I'm getting the hang of it I think.  It just takes planning things more.  Hope all is great with you! 

~Ceno =)