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Messages By: cenobia
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January 10, 2006, 6:29 am PST
 Quote From: alyssa_ Hello, im 15 and my mom and dad both work full time, thats fine but they dont really ever talk to me. When i was little they always did and would always eat dinner as a family at the table. But now a lot of things happend in the past 2 years, getting into drugs and suiside and cutting and now im not close with my mom or dad. They work everyday from 5 in the morning till 7 at night and always work more overtime. All they care about is work and money. They give all the money to me, and i try to tell them moneys not the most important thing and they say well u like money dont u? and of cours ei like money but i dont know what else to say to them. Ive been really depressed and have noone to talk to, i try but all they want to do is watch tv when they get home from work, and if i try to talk they say shh or be quite, and all we do is fight and argue. Some times i like it when we fight because i actually get to tell them how i feel even if they dont really listn or they say well thts not true. I dont know hat to do anymore, my parents jsut work to much and im lucky if i see them 5 minutes a day. I'm sorry hun that your parents don't realize what they are doing. First thing you gotta remember is that parents make many mistakes, just like everyone else. Parents sometimes forget what it was like to be a teenager, they forget the pressures, the frustration they felt, etc. But you also need to know, raising a family, keeping bills paid, etc, is a lot of pressure and frustration for parents. Kids want a lot of things, name brand clothing, cell phones, mp3players, etc...and things are expensive, too expensive.
A little run down of it for my family of 5 is, 600 a month on food, 300 to 400 a month for heat/electricity, cable is 150 a month, phone/internet is 85 a month, car expenses 200 +a month, new clothing/nessecities run around 500, entertainment (we are cheap with this, we prefer to read a lot) about 100 a month. Housing is 750 a month, does not include taxes and insurance. And that is not all. There are doctor bills, insurances, savings, misc bills like school needs and dance classes/piano classes...etc...it doesn't seem to end.
I know you are doing the things you are doing as a way to call out to your parents. One thing I learned early on from my own parents, is that you can not be held responsible for your parents mistakes, and that is what you are doing, holding yourself responsible. You need to be proactive for yourself. Do not come out of this at 18 broken, but take away the important lessons you have learned and build on it. Learn what not to do when you are a parent. That is what I did. My mom and dad were not involved in my life unless I didn't clean, or forgot to iron, or had money that they wanted. They didn't know that I was sneaking beer into my room, or trying drugs, or being easy. One day I realized that it didn't matter what I did, the effect of it was on myself, not on my parents. I was only hurting me. I learned to be involved, to help my kids with homework, to listen to them and respect their opinions and ideas. I also learned to back off when I need to, to teach them that housework is not more important than homework (as my parents told me it was) and that kids need to be kids. I learned alot. Be able to say the same.
What I suggest you do first is to find a safe person in your area. A school counselor, a favorite teacher, someone from church (if you go), even someone from a mentor program so you have someone you can talk to. Then if you aren't seeing anyone for your cutting, suicide, drug issues, then find someone. I imagine your parents know about this, maybe request they get a counselor to help with this. Then as far as your parents are concerned, maybe reach out in an unexpected way. Since they get home at 7, maybe have dinner ready, tell them (when they ask what's going on) that you miss family dinners and just wanted that. Don't get into everything yet, just take it in baby steps. Maybe ask your mom to go with you somewhere, like the library, or some social club (something free so they can see that not everything is about money). And do the same with dad. When things are quiet and going well go to one of them and say something like "Mom, I need to talk to you. It's important to me." And tell her what is going on with you. If she doesn't listen, or brushes it off, or it turns into an arguement, then tell her to come to this site. Let her read what you wrote, just to see that her baby wrote it for all the world to see, will show her that it is important and it does matter.
I hope things work out for you. Let me know what happens. *hugs* Ceno |
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February 21, 2006, 8:17 am PST
Grant should switch roles with his wife. Kelly should go somewhere for a week or two and let him do everything in the house so he can see how difficult it is, especially when his standards are so out of this world. Just because she is a wife, a woman, does not mean that her only role in life, the only thing she should aspire to and be excellent at, is his stupid list. If all he wants is a woman to clean, cook, decorate, then he should hire it done, divorce his wife so she can find someone who will really, truely love her (cause this guy doesn't). If I were in her position I would have divorced the sob a long time ago. |
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April 28, 2006, 6:13 am PDT
Quote From: amillman Lauren got to make all the choices...if they had a choice in sleeping together they BOTH should have some say in the end result. It wasnt a secret Matt didn't want kids. When I met my now husband he was very clear no babies...we messed around and tried to be careful but I respected what he said and if I'd gotten pregnant I would have worked it out with him..whether it be adoption or what (I personally would not abort). It would have had to have been a decision we both could live with. If i'd decided to keep it and he didnt want it..I would have respected that. Its not like it was a secret. He's a great dad to my son and its not a character flaw...hes just at an age he wants to move forward with no baggage (my son is 16). Matt is young and was clear he didnt want to be a dad yet. Sure he was stupid...but why didnt he get any say in it...they aren t married...and child support may keep kids off welfare but PLEASE...if you NEED child support to stay off welfare...keep your legs closed...children are a privledge and responsiblity...not an excuse to get free money. I dont get why people are so selfish to bring kids in to a world that is expensive and have them start life out at a disadvantage. Well I say if he didn't want children then he should have kept it in his pants. And women do have more options than men, I will admit that. But I do not think it is flawed either. Who is the one that carries the baby to term? Who is the one that gives birth? Produces breast milk? Is expected to be the caregiver 99.9% of the time? So if women are the caregivers for most of the child's life, why can't we be the ones with the most options? We do the feedings, the diapers, the daycare, bathing, doctor appointments, preschool, playdates, laundry, cooking, sterilizing and the list goes on....it never ends. While most men get to do whatever the heck they want to do, even if they are dad and in the home, they get to sit in front of the TV while mom runs herself ragged trying to take care of everything. If this guy does not want to be dad, then his choice is easy. Sign off on all parental rights. And his choice, responsibility, obligation is gone! How hard is that? |
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April 28, 2006, 6:27 am PDT
Quote From: cknipe Hi,
Well, this is my first ever message here, I'm going to try and keep it short - though this is really a very in depth saga, the story of my life. Dr Phil, thank you for your episodes on peranting, especially the interview that you had with President Bush. It was a real big eye opener for me, and made me realise that my worse fears in my life, are actually true. Everything I know that is wrong in my life, is true. Unfortunately, I don't know how to put a stop to it, or where to start picking up the pieces.
I'm a 26 year old from South Africa. As I mentioned above, I'm going to try and keep things short. Sure, as a teen, I was no angel. I had my fair share of things that I did that I was not supposed to do, and I had my fair share of punishment for them as well.
In my entire life my mother and farther combined, has not told me in person more than 20 times that they love me. The last time I heard anything close to that, was when I was still a youngster, easily 10 years ago, when my mother told my aunt infront of me that she does not need to tell me she loves me, because I know that she does. That, does *wonders* for a child... Really. My farther, well, when I was 16 he told me in anger that "I am not worth being his son." Up to this very day, he has not even attempted to apologise for what he said. Needless to say, my farther is also virtually non existant in my life. My perants got divorced when I was 18, and untill today, when I think about it, all I feel is this blank stare. No emotion what so ever. It worries me.
I've been in and out at phychologists my entire life, mainly because my perants never knew how to deal with me. I'm extremely into computers and exceptionally good at what I do for a living (when I get the opportunity). During my childhood for example, my computer would break for whatever reason. I had to go to a physhocologist so that he could tell my mother that she should repair my computer, so that I can continue to work on my tallents. It may be a stupid and silly example, and many of you might sit laughing and falling of your chairs right now, but no child likes to have to go to these doctors, especially not to get a computer repaired!!!
At the age of 17, I started getting panic attacks. Just before my 18th birthday I was hospitalised for 1 week for a severe panic attack, as well as a massive shortage of calcium. My problems, have started. I've had no love, support, or 'emotional training' in my entire life from my perants, and as such, never really even bothered to get out of the house (which, is still the case today). I wake up in the mornings and sit infront of my computer working. Why? It's what my perants expect of me.
It's starting to get so bad, that I literally have the emotional skills of a tourtise. I'm physically scared of people. Lately, I'm even scared to talk on a telephone, not because I'm scared of getting into trouble as such with who ever is on the other end of the line, but because it feels 'strange' for me to actually sit and talk to people. Just sitting here, typing this feels weird for me already. The lack of skills are also starting to affect me physically.
I still get panic attacks quite often. Last year, I was again rushed to the ER at 3AM in the morning by my neighbours after a attack. Just a couple of days ago while I was sitting thinking, should I, or shouldn't I visit drphil.com, I had another minor attack. It's so bad, and I lack so much in communication skills (or the ability to communicate), that I will literally sit and have hour long conversations with myself. Initially, I will think that they are just in my head. A couple of hours later I will have my older brother (who happens to be almost 30, also living with my mom and never worked a entire day in his life), will come into my room and ask me "who are you talking to?"
Towards the end of last year, I've also been diagnosed with "Burnout Syndrome". That, costed me my job, as my employer desided to fire me because I was never at work, regardless of the fact that I was booked of for a prolonged period of time by a physciatrist. This entire saga is affecting every single thing that I do in my life. My work, my personal relationships, my temper. I'm starting to get scared of what I am becoming. Will I be a 60 yr old granpa sitting in a old age home, talking to himself while trying to cash a fish in a bed pan (and no, please, I am not trying to offend anyone here!!!).
When I was about 20 / 21, I was out living on my own, having a rather good life, working, away from my family and on my own. Almost within a week of being away from these problems, I saw major improovements in my life. My depression seemed to have vanish completely, I was happy, I did what I want to (good things, not bad), and it was the best 2 years of my life. Then, I struck another piece of bad luck in my life, I got retrenched, and I was forced to move back to my mother seeing that getting a job in South Africa, is not the easiest thing to do.
Ever since I moved back, I was unable to keep a job. Everytime I will get a job, whilst I am new on the job, I will be on my toes and behave. The moment I start to seatle in, I loose my temper, the social skills runs out of the window, and I become the biggest pr*** to work with ever! My friends and perants do not understand computers, and as such there is no interest from their side in what I do. What ends up to happen I guess, is that the stress and politics from the corporate world simply just keeps on boiling up inside me untill eventually I explode. Because it has been literally impossible for me over the last couple of years to keep a job, it's also impossible for me to move out again to get away from my perants.
For those wondering, the aboev is a mere glipse of what happened in my childhood (the love, the not being worth of being my farther's child, etc). I can go on about all of this for ever. Things that come to mind quickly, are two seperate cases of close encounters to sexual things... Rape, I suppose... My brother always (even today still), being more, and better than me, always getting what he wants, my perants never bothering about me, or making a effort to do things for me (such as for example getting me to a dentist, or when it was time (almost 8 years ago), taking me and helping me to get my drivers license (which I still don't have), etc etc etc. The list really goes on. If they never bothered to help me with these things, they surely also didn't help me to deal with them. I've got baggage on my back that is higher than mount everist, so much that my shoulders physically hurts from the stress in my life...
I tried alcahol as a escape before, it didn't work. I tried killing myself (sorry, it's a importaint point this which I think should not be left out), and tried killing myself twice in 3 days. This, instead of my perants seeing it as a cry for help, got my a ticket to a mental institution for suicidal children for 2 weeks. After that it was back to a doctor who put me on anti depressants, and the first 'bad encounter' I had with a friend, I went and OD'd on my anti depressants as well. So that makes it 3 times in about 2 weeks actually. My perants also made sure that all the few friends that I do have, know about it - so, I'm back at virtually being able to count every one I know, on a single hand. The rest think I'm crazy and doesn't want anything to do with me. Sure, I do suppose it will scare them, but, did they need to know?
I typed this whole long 20 page letter to Dr Phil the other night when I had the last minor panic attack. That is even more confusing that what I typed here. I don't even know how to communicate with people, and I see that as being pretty pathetic at the age of 26. At 26 I should have my girl, I thought of myself a couple of heres ago, at 26 you'll be engaged, working, a house, car, seatled. I still tell myself I would like to be married when I'm 30. I don't even have the emotional capacity of a 6 year old.
I am literally and physically dead inside. A cold rock. I feel nothing, I never cry, I hardly ever show any emotion. I simply do not know how. And it sucks!
What I know that gets me out of this, is being away from my family (seperate towns even - the less contact the better), and having SOMEONE that physically, emotionally, and unconditionally loves me. I'm not talking about a girl friend or a spouse, or things like that. I'm refering to a companion here. I always see it as the mother / father figure I never had in my life. Up to now, I've never managed to get that to last more than 2 years, and every time it gets ripped out under me, I fall back down to square one.
I know this doesn't make sense, I'm sure there will be allot of questions, and in the thought of trying to get help to sort this thing out in my life, I am now here.... If anyone maybe can, please, I will not say no.
Thanks for reading, Chris.
Hi Chris, I cried also about your story. I wish I could help you, as we have a lot in common. If you would like, email me, maybe if I share my story it would help...
beth_574@hotmail.com
~Ceno |
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