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Messages By: bellacoo

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Stressed

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August 16, 2005, 11:53 pm CDT

Relationship/Friendship gone wrong

I recently realized that my best friend of 7 years wasn't a true friend after all. 

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years because of her. 

My boyfriend and were having problems and he went to her to talk to but instead of talking to me about the problems that we were having decided that she would be better.  She was always involved in our problems and believes every fight we have is always about her.
I never had the guts to tell her to step back and stay out of our problems because i thought she was being a good friend however her and my boyfriend started to get close and he realized that he had feelings for her. 

So due to the lack of communication and lack of love in our relationship we broke up. 

Instead of being there for me she was there for him and when i needed a shoulder to cry on she wasn't there. 

Finally when confronted by myself she said "i didn't come to see you and wasn't there for you because..."  my ex-boyfriend had told her not to come near me. 

This caused me great pain and for this reason i realized she wasn't a good and true friend. 

Now my ex and i have gotten back together but we are having the same problems as before due to her interference. 

  

Any advice on how to save my relationship with my friend and boyfriend would greatly be appreciated. 

  

 
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August 17, 2005, 4:22 pm CDT

Betrayal

Quote From: parisienne

I think that you should work on both relationships separately if you wish to maintain both of them. Do not mix friendship with relationship in this instance because it has caused problems. Your friend is no longer just a friend, she is an X of your current boyfriend. So that adds a whole new dynamic to your relationship with her, his relationship with her, and the relationship between the three of you. 

  

  

You need to tell your boyfriend to not talk, take advice or discuss the problems that ya'll are having with this woman. The problems that are there are strictly between you TWO. You two should be the only ones concerned with fixing them. You have to put your friend back in her place as a FRIEND not a counselor, supporter or meddler. If you have to-- cut her off. She is not being a good friend with you by continuing her behavior that causes you pain. I would advise her that she should stay out of your affairs if she wants to remain your friend. Tell your boyfriend as well that he should work out issues between you with YOU and only with you. Yes, it is always nice to have a sounding board/neutral friend that you can bounce ideas off of and get advice about the situation they are not involved in-- however you friend IS involved and HAS been involved.  

  

  

  

Therefore she loses her status as neutral, loving and supporting. She obviously has her own agenda and that is to cause you and your relationship as much difficulty as possible. It is up to you and your boyfriend to take the reins of the relationship and decide if it is worth it to not put up a united front as a couple against this woman who only seems to bring pain and divison to you two.  

  

  

Ya'll got back together-- so it looks as if you two are willing to commit to each other and realize that you want each other in your lives. If that is the truth and you want to keep this relationship from crumbling and succumbing to the pressures and strains like the last time this woman tried to put herself in the middle-- you need to tell her to stay away for a while. You don' t have to cut her off completely if you don't feel like you can. Simply tell her something to the effect of, "look ____, you are my friend and I would like to continue being friends with you...however you are inserting yourself into parts of my life that you don't belong, and it isn't helping. If you would like to be my friend could you give me 6 months to a year with no contact so that I can save my relationship? I value you, but I don't like the way our friendship has evolved and I think it would be a good idea for us both to take a break."  

  

  

See if this works, and if she wants to stop being friends with you all together then that isn't an entirely bad idea in light of the continuing problems. These are only suggestions, but if I were in your position I would weigh which meant more to me. The friend or the relationship? While we should never have to choose-- you have to now that relationships have overlapped. Since you have known this girl for years perhaps you would like to choose her? But a true friend doesn't treat their good friend of 7 years by worming her way into their relationships...this is the best advice I can give. If you want to save your relationship you and your boyfriend have to be united against outsiders trying to meddle.  

  

  

Dear Parisiene  

   

Thank you for your advice.. i really appreciate it.  

   

I will speak to my "friend" and tell her how i feel about her interfering in my relationship with my boyfriend. However the problem is that he will not open up to me at all anymore.  

   

When asked why he is angry at me his response is "Nothing". I've told him if he doesn't talk to me i am not going to put up with him going to speak to someone else when the relationship concerns me and him only not our friend.  

   

I asked him if he thinks our relationship is worth saving and he simply said "its up to you".  

He believes that i am just jealous of their friendship and the truth is i am because he talks to her n not to me and during our break he had feelings for her.  

   

I told him that if he asked her if she had feelings for him and she said no not to come back to me because i WOULD NOT be second best.  

   

After we got back together i found out that is exactly what he had done and asked him why he didn't tell me before we got back together so i could make the decision myself and he didn't respond at all to that.  

   

I love him and ask him if he loves me. he tells me yes.  

   

i ask him as i need to feel loved because i don't feel that from my family and i just like the reassurance do u think that this is what is causing the problems between us??  

   

i love him and want to be with him but fear that our relationship is already over due to our friends interference.  

   

i am willing to give our friendship a break so i can work out my problems with my boyfriend but the problem is that we have same group of friends and will see each other at parties. i know that my boyfriend isn't willing to give up his friendship for our relationship.  

   

Is this a sign that he doesn't want to be with me and put our relationship first??   

 

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