Messages By: caretaker1

I call him my "fiance" simply because we've been together for 8 years and have 3 children together.  During our relationship, we've talked about marriage a dozen times, but I've just never been ready for that next leap.  Maybe it was a blessing in disguise.  I was in a unhealthy marriage before him (very controlling), and I just have never felt the need to validate my love on paper. God is important in my life, and that's one thing that has always made me feel uneasy about it- simply because we have a family together.  

If there were not any children involved, no matter how much I love this man, I honestly would have left a long time ago, once I seen the lack of respect he has for me and for what he has done.  It's one thing to hurt a person this deep, but to show lack of compassion is another.  I cry each and every day over this, it absoutely has consumed my every thought.  I can't function like I use to, I would rather stay in bed than to face the day.  I thought about sucucide 2 months ago which really made me step up and realize that this is *not* a healthy relationship for me.  When I sit and cry, beg for him to talk to me to come to some realization how the person that I love could go five years of our relationship, knowing what he was doing behind my back, lieing to my face- and could still look me int he eye each and every day with no regard.  All I ever get is him walking away from me.  Or yelling at me to shut-up, or just this glassed over look in his eyes. He SUCHS at commicating and just keeps his feelings/emotions built up inside of of him.  When he doesnt try to comfort me, or even acknowledge my feelings, it shows me even more the lack of love and respect that he has for me.  

Right now, I'm looking more for a theropist for myself, than for us.  If I can find someone who can help me repair that damange that he has caused to me, then there may be hope.  I can't even think about "us" right now, until I can fix myself.  Right now, I don't trust this person with any of my being.  Not my heart, not my feelings, not even my words.  I wonder what he's doing ALL the time when I'm not around and that's not healthy.  I wonder if the damage is so much if we ever will be able to get past this. I love this man, with all of my being, but knowing that he could lie to me each and every day of my life for five years straight and look me in the eye- with no regard to how I would feel-- then that proves to me that obviously he doesn't love me enough to make sacrifices or to put me first.  Children or not, that is not how I want to spend my life.  

Thanks for listening, really.  

I'm in my late 40s and trying to figure out where a guy should go to meet quality women. I'm in great shape. Nothing wrong with my looks.  I'm successful. My friends tell me I have a fun personality. I tried the bar thing for a short while. Didn't have any luck there. Next came on line dating. WOW ,that was an eye opener to who is out there. So I'm trying to figure out what to try next. It's looking to me that there are so many women that have made a physical, emotional or financial mess of them selves looking for a guy to fix things.  

There has to be a better way to meet quality women. Let me know what worked for you. 

Pete  

quest4infinity@yahoo.com