Messages By: kmlett

My Ex husband has not been a part of my daughters life for the last 6 years. He will say it's my fault because I found out he was on drugs I gave him a given time to take care of his issues and we would work on our marriage. He didn't want to do that so.. I moved on with my life. I tried staying in my home state with him having visitation with my daughter every other weekend. HOWEVER, I went to pick her up one day and found drugs close to the floor with her crawling around. She didn't ever go back. He was threating to do a lot of terrible things. I moved out of the state. I moved way out of the state, 1200 miles away actually. Well, That was 6 years ago, now he has married again, has two more kids, My daughter has not seen him but a couple times since the move. NOT because I kept her from him, but because he was court ordered to go to rehab and show the court proof that he did this. He never did this though. My daughter has went back at least 3 times to his parents house where he could of went and seen her if he wanted to supervised, But since he met his new wife she said she will NOT be supervised by anyone's parents to see "THEIR DAUGHTER" Me and her got off on a bad foot first off because the first time we ever spoke she said how She is going to change some things about my daughters life style. When I asked her what in the world she was speaking about she said, Well I am her mom now too, and I don't believe everything should be like they are for her. Of course I went off on her. This woman had NEVER Even met my daughter at that time. Well, because I would not play her game of letting her try to control my life she has never liked me. Now that I am remarried and have another child and another on the way..Things have got worse.  My daughter asked if she could call my new husband Daddy? I told her to call her what she is comfrontable with, but she doesn't have to call him daddy if she doesn't want to. She does out of her own free will. My husband now is so good with her, he loves her like she was his own, he has raised her since she was 3 and they are very close. When my ex had his child support reduced claiming that he is a stay at home dad now for his 2 new children with his new wife and they could not afford to pay, My new husband said, I don't want his damn money, she is my daughter anyway now.  Well, I get harrassing phone calls from my ex's new wife saying that they are going to try and take my daughter, She has called Child support recovery making accusations.. which.. Is so dumb, She is 1200 miles away so she knows NOTHING about my life or my daughters life with us. My daughter has not been allowed to call her bio dad because his new wife gets on the phone and tells my daughter what they will be talking about, and that she will call her mom. My daughter does not know this woman, she has met her twice and doesn't want to call her mom.. I told her to do what she wants. " I am not going to call her mom" she said. Here is my problem.. there is so much more that has happened and that this woman has done, I would love to have someone to talk about to all this that is a step mom and to maybe give me some direction. My husband said he would adopt my daughter but My thing is, this man has abandoned my daughter, He doesn't do anything for her mentally, physically or emotionally and For me to let him sign his rights away and get away with the finacial part of helping her in life just really doesn't sit well with me.  I don't know what it is that really makes me so mad about just the thought but... Something doesn't seem fair or right to me with doing that. My daughter hasn't asked him to adopt her which I know she would love it but I think it should come from her too on her own first. He isn't paying childsupport on a regular schedule anyway... so.. I just feel like I'm not letting him off this so easy. I try to get my daughter to talk about how she feels about her bio father and she blames the step mom. I don't blame the step mom really.. He is a grown man, He can stand up for himself and his daughter if he wanted to.  Any advice???  

Kayla  

From what I understand from my divorce, He can't make you pay to send the children to him if it was his choice to move. They may even tell him that he needs to pay more support because he is not with the children as often which means more daycare for you, more one on one time, and obviously if the children are not with him as often it cost you more to raise them.  So I would look into that. Don't let him stress you out. I try and look at it like this. I do not have to share my daughter and go through all the crazy mess of missing her on holidays. I get 365 days of peace and quite  from an ex husband who obviously doesn't know what he is doing to his child. Of course him and his new wife call and harrass me, but.. I have stopped answering the phone now. 

Thank you all for your suggestions. I do understand that I need to just move on and stop trying to punish him for being the idiot he is. I think this is something emotional with me, I feel like someone is rejecting my child, Not even just speaking of the stepmom, but the bio dad, and that's what really makes me so mad I could scream. I am happy and grateful though that my daughter has a loving family and we never discuss this with her about him. She is a happy,thoughtful child. I think I need work some anger problems I have with him and his new wife. I know he would and will sign adoption papers over to my new husband. He has actually called with his new wife on the phone and asked us to do that.  The thing is I can not even speak to my ex about this now. When I call there she will answer  because my phone number will be on the caller id... then she will say , you tell me what you want, then I will tell him then call you back to tell you what he said. Or she will just make the decision by herself and TRY TO TELL ME how things are going to be. This is all so damn childish. For awhile I had an attorney that handled all this but that got real expensive. This woman is so much like a little bully on a play ground it's not funny. I think the funny part of all this is that I divorced my husband, we stayed in contact and had a great relationship as far as being able to discuss our daughter together for the first 3 to 4 years. He met this girl and now all the sudden he has no say in my daughters life or his own. She says I can't talk to him because I want him back, Now My thoughts on that are, If I wanted him back, we got along for years before she came into the picture. I could of had him at any time, he asked me plenty of times to go back to him. But now I am on a restriction based on She thinks I want him back. I have said some mean things about this to her, Not proud but, I mean I have pointed out to her clearly, I have a loving caring husband, that has a real job, not working a limited amount of hours to avoid child support but actually taking care of another mans responsiblity for a child that isn't biologically his. and she seriously thinks I am after her husband? Women like her are the ones that give step-mothers the ugly name they get. If we were all ever on Dr.Phil's show it would actually be very entertaining. I wouldn't go on tv with this though because it's so embarrassing it's not funny. I would not want anyone to know I was ever with this man that is being controlled like a puppet. His father passed away last year and his STEP-MOM who has raised, loved and cared about him as her own since he was 9 months old has now been discarded because his new wife said she is not really his mom, so why would they keep contact. The truth is, Me and his parents have always got along and worked together trying to get my ex off the drugs so she hates them well, Now her new mother in law because They liked me and love my daughter. I would NEVER let my daughter go visit them anway just because of the things she has said Examples " Well, we don't have to pay child support if she isn't alive"  She told me daughter " you are spoiled and we don't want to talk to you until you are 18 and that is just to tell you your dad and My side of the story."  

      Also I would LOVE to have one step mom or dad tell me how exactly it is that she can hold me responsible for things that happened between me and my ex during our dating time, and marriage, and divorce? I mean, I didn't date, marry or divorce her. YET, she will call here and actually bring up me and my ex husbands marriage to me and she says it as though I did these things to her. How does that work. My husband doesn't call him and say, HOW could you leave my now wife for drugs? and on and on and on??? My husband and I have talked about this and he actually says he understands what she is doing. She is a part of his life now and since he gave her information she has a right to condeme me for things, I don't understand this.  This is one of the things that actually make me not be able to stand her.  

         I was a step-mom at one time and I couldn't imagine behaving like this with the ex. I mean we actually got along, talked and helped the child together. We were not FRIENDS where we would go out and do things together but we did have a friendship of concern for the child.  I read some of your emails and I feel for you all, I really do, I WOULD do anything to have a step-mom in my childs life like you where we could all just talk and do what is best for my daughter. Maybe I should of picked my new husbands wife out for him? LOL just kidding. Ok, I will stop now... Thanks For listening. 

K. 

My husband and I have been together for 4 years actually almost 5 I guess. Anyway. My inlaws are very fake and I feel so upset about so many things but mostly I am trying to figure out holiday stuff early this year. I will have to talk to my husband about this stuff soon as MY IN LAWS love to start pushing me into this stuff way early. First of all, My family is not in the same state as me. My mother and father have passed away, so sharing holidays with them is not the problem for my in laws. My problem is, I know these people do NOT like me. They have talked behind my back and said very awful things. I do not understand why because They have never even got to know me. They have never taken the time. They are assuming what they think and who I am instead of doing the time to really try and like me.  My husband has two brothers and one sister. She was spoiled while growing up and is very proud of this. She actually brags about being a spoiled Bi*** , her words, NOT MINE. before I came in the picture my husband and his brothers spent a lot of time at their sisters house due to the fact that they were single guys and they had no real reason to stay home alone and cook for themselves when they could go there and eat and hang out. She became use to this and liked being CENTER Of attention. knowing all her brothers business and eliminating women that these men would be dating by saying, yeah, but I wouldn't date her because of this or that. Of course my husband and his brothers do not understand that is what she was doing. Well, now with me and my husband together we have 3 kids, a home and a life of our own, Of course he isn't hanging out with his sister. This is not a problem usually. UNTIL THE HOLIDAYS.For Thanksgiving we will be EXPECTED To be there. my problem with that is I am not talked to while there, the guys sit in the living room watching sports, the mom is cooking with the daughter, I will ask, can I help and I am told no, We got it. I don't watch sports so, no need to to the living room. so I sit there doing nothing usually pretty mad the whole time that I am even there. For christmas Me and my husband talked and decided that we would do Christmas at home. My husband told his family, " look we are just going to stay at home for Christmas because (MY WIFE) is use to having a christmas dinner instead of Christmas Breakfast. Well, So, They all come to my house. So, I am not really enjoying my children then that day either and being with my family because I am cleaning, cooking for 20 some people and making sure everything is ok. Now first of all, when I spoke to my husband about having a FAMILY dinner at home for Christmas I was saying, Him, me and our children. NOT The whole family. He did understand that and yet has not changed this situation. MY BIGGEST problem with all this... I probably sound like a terrible person, what kind of person does not want to be with family at the holidays. Well, Here it is, First off, Growing up it was just me and my mom, I would always dream of having a family of my own and spending everyday and dream A LOT about holidays and traditions that would be set for my husband, me and my children. Now here I am cleaning up , cooking or at a house where people can't stand me and as soon as I leave that house or they leave my they are bad mouthing me... I KNOW that for a fact. My feelings are, I can't call these people during the year when there is a problem, happiness or anything huge happening in my life. I don't get calls to go shopping, or to share the kids together, or time spent with them just for fun. They are never there during anything in my life or my kids but they want to spend the hoidays with us? Why? It's just a show to me.  I use to think well, Maybe they don't think I am good enough for their brother/son/grandson. But... Now the other brother is dating a doctor that is VERY successful, gorgeous and yet they hate her. They hate her because she has family and on holidays they go to her family's house. I just feel if  you are family you are family all year long, NOT just the holidays.. and Yes these same things happen for Easter, birthdays and EVEN halloween. It's crazy! Pleas tell me what you would suggest I do to talk to my husband about this and get it through to him about my feelings on this. I understand it's still his family. HOWEVER, I look at my immediate family as my children and my husband. Brothers and sisters grow up, have a family of their own and move on. OR ONE WOULD THINK!  I have no problem with his parents stopping by and seeing the children or having dinner, But I do not feel I should have to invite the sisters and brothers also..,. I do not feel I should have to their house for Thanksgiving if I want my family at home. Am I over reacting. Also Please keep in mind there is SOOOOOOOOO much more to this story. but it would be way too long. Thanks for listening.  

Maybe I didn't explain it completely right. I don't take his family out of his life all year long. They do. It's their choice to not be a part of his life during the year. That's what makes me upset. His family talks behind his wifes back,(They have even talked bad about him to his friends trying to get them to slam on HIM) they don't ever do anything to have a relationship with him or me all year long, and then EXPECTS us to be there for the holidays. I could understand if things were normal and they had a relationship all year long. But they don't. So, it's not ME, who takes them out of his life. We have close friends and family that are always there all year long. They are there for my husband, my children and me and we are there for them. So, We all share the stuff through the year, the good the bad, the ugly, then at the holidays when you are suppose to spend time with the people you really care about and love at the holidays and celebrate I am with the people who back stab all year long. This isn't normal. And There  is nothing stopping him from going there. I have told him if he wants to go, why can't he go and then come home when he has had enough time with them. I have tried to compermise with them about getting together with them on Christmas Eve and then spend Christmas with our children on Christmas. They said it wouldn't be the same. Well, It's only the same for them. They are not taking into account that they are ruining my holidays. My children don't get time with their mommy on the holidays that's quality. To me my children and my husband and I should be happy together on those days, NOT just him, and NOT just his family. They are not the only consideration here.  

Well, Honestly, I don't have to worry about this anymore. My husband and I sat down and talked about how they treat me. He went to his sisters the other day and since I have not been talking to them and have been avoiding their remarks on the phone or other wise it finally got to them. They screwed up and showed themselves to my husband. Now my husband was hurt by their words about HIS Wife and how Selfish they are. She was trying to tell my husband who I should have as friends and who I need to get rid of, She told him he needs to mow the yard and not me trying to control how our house is ran, and then topped it off by calling his mother and lying about what he said to her about minding her OWN BUSINESS.  

        Now you see as far as the holidays go, I will explain to you that IN-LAWS need to understand that before the OUTSIDER came into thier family, they had traditions of their own, lives and beliefs of their own, that need to be incorporated into the in- law family if you want them to visit your home on the holidays Or any other time of the year. It's not all one way and IF it is, this is what the results are. Sports are not what Christmas is about to me or my children. Christmas is for the kids in my oppinion. All they have done is ran my husband off now. And... as for being territorial about cooking christmas dinner. Don't invite someone to your home that wants to be involved in the events of that day if you are going to be territorial.  

      BUT... My main point to my original Email is, IF you want to be considered family in my eyes ( of course this is just my rule and now my husbands) don't just call on the holidays, Don't just care on the holidays, don't just be family when times are good, BUT instead... ALL THE TIME. I would NOT let a stranger treat me this way and go to their home for holidays and that is what they have made themselves to me. STRANGERS. I don't know them because they don't get to know me... and I WILL NOT have my holidays ruined by gossip, and traditions that are carrying no values. Now see you brought a tradition YOUR HUSBAND discovered so now why shouldn't your sister, or sister-inlaw have the same respect as far as the way She wishes to spend the holidays. Don't be selfish in this matter, you could have a really good friendship there possibly if you would learn to give to her just as you did your husband and his family's beliefs. 

I wish people could just realize that on holiday's or any other time of the year to be respectful enough to deal with their wants and needs. I am not saying that My in-laws are wrong for what they want to do on the holidays. I was just saying I didn't feel a part of any of it because I have been in this family for 5 years and I don't know them.  

          Your SIL seems like she needs to stop worrying about others and stupid small stuff and start worrying about herself. Hopefully it will work out for you. I wish I had some advice for you but honestly the only thing I know to tell you is what I did and that is just back off some and let her hang herself. My in laws weren't getting to me anymore so they turned up the volume a little and then my husband had to see the facts as they are. Maybe that will work for you and your brother will see what your SIL is all about. 

K 

All Abusive parents should be forced by law to have hysterectomies and vasectomies??? Wow, Thank God all  people too are protected from a law like that. I think that's the problem most the time, The government needs to get out of our houses and worry what's happening else where. A lot of people think spanking their children is abusive. I PERSONALLY do NOT! I do not beat, or abuse my children and I believe that spankings are fine if done properly. To some that would be ABUSE and so therefor you are saying I need to have a hysterctomy??? or my husband have a vasectomy?  That is just outrageous! I do NOT believe anyone should be Abused in any way, shape or form but our Government is in our home on every issue from what is abuse, what is not, what is proper disipline to what is not, and that is only a touch of how the government is in our home. How many rooms you must have to house your children ( there was a day when there would be MANY children in one room and it was common and they turned out JUST FINE. My mother came from a family of 6 and Guess what? She shared a room and was just fine and made it through life happy.) To say that they should label people as abusive parents is just crazy. You would have everyone who doesn't think abortion is right or ok, saying Well, I think that if you have an abortion you should have a hysterectomy. You are way off . I could go on and on with examples but I won't! I think you get the point. 

As for your Flamers Comment? YOU CAN NOT list things that are VERY debatable and that oppinionated and not expect people to NOT have a comment or two. This is a message board, if you did not want people to react one way or another you can have an opinion and not post it if you don't want to know what others are thinking.