Messages By: rebeccamo

I wish Dr Phil wouldn't present these issues in such a sensational fashion.  There are LOTS of couples who have chosen to have a non monogamous marriage and many of them are quite responsible and sensible.  It is successful with good communication and very committed people. 

Polyamoury isn't dirty or slutty.  Polyamory ISN'T cheating.  It is a choice that BOTH a husband and wife make.  If one party is sneaking around or is forcing the choice on the other spouse, it really can't be considered polyamory or polyfidelity just as a "shotgun" wedding ceremony isn't a valid marriage.  Consent must be honestly and freely given. 

When my husband and I met, we were in our teens.  We knew that we wanted to spend our lives together but neither one of us wanted to have our relationship become a prison. We've been married 22 years so far without any big problems.  We have never separated, never needed marriage counselling and never needed to take antidepressants.  We discuss our desires and needs openly and we both want each other's happiness first and we are both willing to make the sacrifices necessary to get there. Sometimes, that has meant including another person-smile-they weren't all female. 

We do not have an open marriage nor are we polyamorous right now because we just needed that at this point in our lives because of health, kids and career issues.  It may last forever or we may make changes. 

It is really really difficult to tell people the secret needs and desires one has. So many people have repressive, guilt ridden feelings about their own sexuality and feel that being open and honest about their sexuality would make them unlovable.  Your partner took the big risk of telling you the things he would really like to do-that is really scary in a relationship.  Have you told him YOUR secrets too? 

Once you know what each of you desire, then it is just a matter of negotiating ways to meet those desires. There are lots of options, from role playing to trading nights to opening your marriage to others. If you both are committed to making each other happy, you can find a solution.  

We have developed some rules for problem solving communications that help us find answers to our problems:  

1. It is important to understand each other well-to know where each other's sensitivities are.  When you are calm and reasonable is the time to talk about your triggers and how they affect you. It is hard to tell someone the doubts and fears that trigger insecurity. After all...you are insecure about them.  This step is hard but it is important. You can agree that you will always be sure not to touch on certain things. You want to communicate not wound.
2. It is best to wait until anger and upset fades to discuss relationship issues. Set a meeting time for when you will be rested, relaxed and not rushed. Sometimes we prepare for a communication meeting by making love :)
3. The first step is for both of you to identify the problems. Be prepared for your partner's problem(s) NOT to be the same as yours. At this meeting, make it your goal to completely understand all aspects of HIS problem and have him try his best to understand yours.
4. You are trying to understand here-not defend yourself or blame the other. Don't do any 'historical' talks. Looking backwards with blame or recriminations is pointless and wastes precious time and emotional energy. You may want to skewer him with exactly WHY you have been cold and distant, but focus instead on defining the problem from his point of view and understanding his needs and explaining your own to him.
5. Once you are able to explain to him his problem to him and he can do the same for you-you understand the problem(s). Now take a break of 2-3 days. You have to digest the information and get over any anger or hurt that arose thus far. This is the crucial step-don't rush to solutions.
6. Once you feel ready to meet again,  brainstorm for ideas that will solve the problems. The only rule with this phase is that you have to solve all of the problems, not just your own. Don't evaluate the answers, just generate them.  Dream here, make the perfect answers, make ugly answers, make up any answer that solves the problems. The answer you don't say because it is stupid may just be the idea he needs to hit on a good solution.
7. Take some time to explore the options. Check out the costs, available resources, think about them, maybe consult anyone that might be affected.
8. Then choose one solution to try out. Give yourselves a time period to try out this solution-a day, a week , a month.  After the time is up, meet to evaluate how it worked.