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Messages By: fatherof2

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August 27, 2005, 8:20 pm CDT

Dont know what to do

Hi, long story short. I have a daughter who is 4 january 2006 and her mother and me never dated we had a short affair, her mother and i met in the same state where i live and then she moved back to her home town which is 4 hour flight to her home, I went there hoping to discuss being together and when i left i receieved a short text message telling me to not bothing going back to her. I found out it was apparently because i had a girlfriend of sorts in my own state in between the time of her leaving our state and moving to her home town even though she had a boyfriend who she finished with shortly before i went for the 10 days to talk about "us" 4 weeks later i found out by her that she was pregnant and she said it was mine... I offered to go back and make a family with her and my un-born but she did not want that and became very negative towards me with abusive emails. at 5 months pregnant she found another man who wanted to be with her and the baby and she became very negative and told me that my child would not be calling me "dad" and that her current lover would be called dad because he went through the pregnancy with her. then her and her partner had a fight and broke up she asked me to move to her state and i started calling around for prices of moving my belongings, she then told me that she did not want me there that she was back with her partner the next time she asked me i had started dating another person who she did not like and she asked me to move to her home town again i said no because i wanted to try things with my partner I also asked for a DNA test because her history of me and another guy in one night was not a uncommon thing the last night she and i had sex she was at her ex boyfriends house and thats when everything became weird with us (before i knew about the pregnancy) ok i better cut this shorter, my daughter was born and she had her "dads" middle name as her middle name and i was not allowed to see her born so i did not want to watch some other man holding my new born baby (if the baby was mine of course) so i did not go, I then recieved an email from the partner 2 days later informing me the baby was born and then a email a month later telling me she was pregnant and engaged which i heard from the partner not her. I saw my lilttle girl when her mother brought her over when she was 8 months for about 24 hours all up. I felt out of place and unwanted and intrusive. My friend and i fell pregnant when my daughter was just under 2 years old and the mother did not take that kindly, she did however arrange for me to start calling our daughter so   thats where mine and my daughters life started bonding, through the 9 months of the pregnancy alot of things went wrong but i am to blame for some, my daughters mother broke up with her partner and started telling me she wanted me and i was so confused because i dreamed since my daughter was born that i could be with her and i felt like i wanted her to to the point i thought i was inlove with her, she tried taking mine and my mother-to-be friendship away she hurt my friend and i ignored it because i was not thinking straight all i kept thinking was, i would be with my lilttle  girl the dream i had was becoming real. about 6 months after my son was born she became cagey and demanding, negative towards me. she gave me alot of demands which could not be met and  so at that time she told me not to bother going over there. i saw my daughter on her 3rd birthday (I saw her just after her 2nd and also when she was 2!/2)  and I was allowed to take her out for her birthday just me and her and i was thrilled me and her mother got on well but then i came home from the trip and was abused constantly she went to my friend and told my friend that me and her fooled around while i was there and it never did happen, (she always hated mine and my sons mothers friendship) my friend did not believe her and she became more hostile i was sick of everything and i could not forgive her for the lies she said so i told her that i did not want anything to do with her that i will only speak to her about our daughter and nothing more she got angrier and told me she was bringing out daughter to my state, it was arround the time my mother was coming over from new zealand and i asked if i could have her for one day (not night) so my mum could spend time with both her grandchildren and she said no that i could not see our little girl without her being there. i did not like this and sent a pre-action proposal for visitation and she demanded so much that i could not accept half so i did another one with both what she wanted and i wanted together to make it easier on her as well as me but more importantly easy on our little girl so she did not feel uncomfortable she told me she would not accept anything if it was not her proposal even down to my wording of something which was the same but worded in my way. she came to perth and decided to leave 3 days ealier which meant my mother never got to met my daughter i went to see my daughter with her mother and her granparents present, there was a beach just over the hill not far and i asked my daughter if she wanted to go the beach she said  yes so i told her that i would ask mummy first my daughter ran to her mummy and asked and we walked to the beach i turned around and her mother gave me the most terrible look i've ever seen her give me, later she abused me telling me i manipulated my little girl to get what i wanted (to go the beach alone with her)  she made it hard to see our little girl after that i text messaged asked when was a good time and she replied telling me that i should choose a time and day and she would be there, so i did and she said she could not make it and made an earlier time which she knew i could not be available i explained to her but she would not allow any other time. so in 7 days i saw my daughter just the once, when she went back to her state on the night of my sons birthday my mother and my sons mother were sitting around and my friend got text messages abusing her and saying horrible things about me my friend ignored her and she didn't bothered abusing her again. my mother and i spoke to my daughter on the sunday at the sceduled time and everything was good with me and my daughter the next saturday the mother demanded me to call that day to talk about our daughter i told her i could not because i was working at the time so i called on the sunday and i was told that my daughter would not be made available anymore for contact. so she stoped all contact between my daughter and me for over 12 weeks until for some reason she emailed me and my parents saying she would be online with our daughter if we wanted to do web cam. well i was thrilled and came online the problem was i do not have fast speed interent at home or a web cam, I used my friends video camera and her ADSL and i told my daughetrs mum that i was at my friends and that it might not be possible some sundays because my friend may have things on which cant be stoped she said ok... so that leads me to now, for the past 2 months every sunday i have been on web cam for several hours at a time with my daughter and i have been calling on weds, I called 2 weeks ago as normal and they were not at home so i waited over 30 minutes incase they were late but not call so i left to go out with my girlfriend ice skating, I come out of ice skating and had a abusive text message on my mobile asking me what my problem was and why i was not answering my phone, my answer was i cant take my mobile on the ice i got a text message back telling me i was  a bad father and keep hurting my daughter, i spoke to my friend and she told me that my daughters mother called up an hour after i left. Now today My friend has to go out she is from England but now lives here in Australia and she has family members coming from the uk and there is a big family meet about 15 - 20 miles away from where she lives, she has one set of keys and she needed to dead lock the front door and lock the back, she apologized to me but told me that she was going out at 11am and that i could try and speak to my daughter earlier since she noticed her mother online so I messaged my daughters mother asking if my daughter could come on then because I would not be able to come online at the normal time because i would be locked in the house until some late hour ot the night and i need to go home early for work the next day, she abused me and told me that either i come online at the normal time or i can say good bye to ever speaking to my daughter again, I really wish i could be online but it's not possible I found out about an hour ago that the camera was going with my friend so she could  video her family so even if i could stay i would not be able to have visual or mic contact. I do not know what to do, She is blackmailing me and i can't do anything about it. I've mentioned going for visitation but she wants me to fly over there 4 times a year for at least a week which is hard with having a full time job i just started. She has informed me today that she's with her partner and is due for another baby. i'm wondering if she is trying to push me out again like she has for most of my daughters life and only wanting me back in it when she does not have a partner. She has told me on a numerous times that when i'm late to call it hurts our little girl, if my daughter loves talking to me on web cam and telephone and is hurt by a small lateness what is the mother going to be doing to my little girl??? I can't imagine ever hurting her the way i feel her mother is hurting her twice now she has gave my daughter and me something and took it away..   

    

Is my daughter safe in the care of a mother who doesn't seem to care how our daughter might feel? I'm hurt because i can't speak to her but i'm a grown up man who understands what's happening and can deal with my emotions but she is 3 almost 4 and wouldn't understand at all why she could see her daddy and now cant on web cam and telephone.    

Has anyone got any advice I'm desperate, I have seen lawyers in the past but financially it's so expensive, she is worth the money but getting it as soon as i want it is another thing though!   

 
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sad
January 20, 2006, 3:51 am CST

Need of some advice from single mothers.

Hi, I'm a father of 2 and I do have a post in this thread way down in the may 2005 i think.  

  

Well I need some single mothers advice because it is your prospective i need more than anyone else's 

  

My eldest child is almost 4, Me and the mother has never dated etc, the past i think is irrelevent except that the mother made me feel like I had no rights and was not apart of my daughters life, She met a guy when she was 5 months pregnant with my child and he became "dad" and they both told me he was taking all roles as the father and I would be called by my christian name. I was not happy about this but naive as i was thought i couldnt stop any of this, so i slinked off into the background, the mother occasionally emailed me asking me or telling me to go over to see our daughter but she never ever was polite about it, she was always seeming abusive, like she never really wanted me there but out of a sense of duty she had to ask, She did send me emails with photo's of our little girl and told me updates. I saw my daughter when she was 8 months old, the mother and her fiance brought her over to my state, I felt so many emotions she was/is beutiful and she is my little girl, I made a plan there and then to be IN her life as much as possible but i slowly became withdrawn again when the mother and fiance returned back to their state, Well at the end of 2003 (my daughter was 21 months old) I started calling my daughter on the phone, I also told the mother that I had another child on the way that he/she would be born the following year. She became even weirder, first she was very cold towards me, then her and her fiance split up and she became very friendly, she even asked our daughter while i was on the phone if she wanted to start calling me dad, I got off the phone floating...the next time i called the mother referred to me as my name and i asked her after i got off the phone, what happened to being called "dad" she abused me and told me I would not be called dad until I went over there for our daughters birthday. I was not happy and we ended up arugeing, Well i found out her and fiance were back together, she caused many arguements with my sons mother, and then once my sons mother and I argued and we almost lost the friendship my daughters mother became very friendly with me...Ok cutting it short. After i went to her state to see our daughter the mother told me she had feelings for me, so we fooled around, the next day i went home and she blackmailed me, either i told my sons mother or she would (me and my sons mother were not together) so i told her,  cutting it shorter we had a small "affair" again from April  till October 2004. in this time I spent in the april 7 days with my daughter (i stayed with the mother and my daughter) the August I spent 11 days in a holiday cabin with my daughter and took her out on my own several times, i babysat my daughter and her sister also and no problems. In January 2005, I spent 7 days with my daughter and her mother again, and I spent time alone with my daughter, the whole time my daughter was with me alone she enjoyed it and she had no problems with not having her mother there. Everything went bad in April 2005, the mother told me I could not see my daughter on my own (I told her i wanted nothing to do with her after lieing to my sons mother in the feb) she told me also that if i did not pay $100 for the trip i would not see my daughter much. Well i saw her once. At this point. I asked for contact orders.  

  

ok this is where i need you lovely ladies advice and opinion 

  

I have asked for my daughter to have contact with me in my state... but for it to be gradual, so for the first 2 years i fly over to her state for 2 weeks (1 week each) and have 1 overnight increased per 7 days of  contact and the none overnight nights I have her for the day only. And then once overnight contact has been established for the full 7 days, spend 1 week in her state and then change it so she has full contact in my state with me and her half brother, She will also be coming in October to my state for two weeks (so it would be 2 weeks in her state and 2 weeks in my state before the full contact is established) 

  

she would be 6 and a half when the first full contact starts in my state, I am asking also that when my daughter turns almost 8 that she starts spending alternative christmas/birthdays with me. so it would be 7 times a year in my state, I understand that she will want me in her state for things, And i thought that adding 1 "extra" week of contact when ever my daughter wants me in her state as she grows up, it doesnt mean i have her overnight just means I get to watch her sports games or school things i can also fly out for a weekend. 

  

the reason i'm asking for it to be in my state is because to fly out there for 2 weeks a year 2 times a year or even once for 2 weeks it's going to cost me $1500AU dollars each contact, with flight fares, accomodation food etc and i haven't got that much money, I also want to spend more time with my daughter and My daughter has expressed that she wanted to play with her half-brother whom i could not take with me because i couldnt afford it.  

  

the mother is disagreeing saying, my daughters life is in her state, i should be going there to be in my daughters life, not my daughter in my life, she said if my daughter wants to see my son i should take him with me. I have expressed my financial problem and she said she couldn't careless. She has offered me her place of residence to stay, I have expressed that me and her will never be and that i don't want my daughter to start believing that her mummy and daddy might get back together, also I have in love with my sons mother who has been my friend for 6 years now and i know that she would be a problem with her if we ever do get together (i havent told her my feelings yet) at that point also I will have to provide for her, my son, my stepdaughter and myself. the mother has offered me her place to stay and she wont be there, I have two problems with that. I dont want to push her out of her own home and her youngest child too, its not fair. 2) it is still not good for my daughter, because she iwll never get use to me and staying somewhere else, she will always be in the sercurity of HER MUMS home.  

the other offer was to stay at her parents house, I dont want to do that because I would feel I am entrapped to do as the mother wants due to it being her parents and again with my daughter it would cause the same security problems. I am reluctant to spend the next 12 years or until my daughter speaks out, in a hotel with her..... it is not fair or in the best interest of my daughter espeacially when there is my home back in my state where she will have her own room, toys, books etc and her half-brother. I feel that she might also feel like she is a seperate part of my life except in the october when she flys out with her mum to my state. 

  

This is what the mother is asking for. 

  

That i go to her state in the january and July, that she comes to my state in the october for 2 weeks but i am to return my daughter to her while i work, and not (if i do get together to my sons mother) my sons mother. which would leave me with a few hours of contact and no overnights. She wants me to fly every second christmas to her state and stay in a hotel or her home with my daughter, and same with my daughters birthday. I feel sorry for my daughter for her christmas she will have gone from a family for christmas to just her father, a family birthday party to just her father in a hotel.  

  

Am I requesting something horrible or something that is common? Any help would be appreciated.  I might have missed out stuff but this is getting so long! 

 
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January 24, 2006, 3:26 pm CST

Would love some opinions from mothers with children from another relationship

I'm not sure where to ask for this advice, I can't find a single place where i can :( So i thought it might be in "general advice" here goes...... 

  

Hi, I'm a father of 2 and I do have a post in this thread way down in the may 2005 I think.  

  

 

  

  

 

Well I need some single mother’s advice because it is your prospective I need more than anyone else's 

  

 

  

  

 

My eldest child is almost 4, Me and the mother has never dated etc, the past I think is irrelevant except that the mother made me feel like I had no rights and was not apart of my daughters life, She met a guy when she was 5 months pregnant with my child and he became "dad" and they both told me he was taking all roles as the father and I would be called by my Christian name. I was not happy about this but naive as I was thought I couldn’t stop any of this, so I slinked off into the background, the mother occasionally emailed me asking me or telling me to go over to see our daughter but she never ever was polite about it, she was always seeming abusive, like she never really wanted me there but out of a sense of duty she had to ask, She did send me emails with photo's of our little girl and told me updates. I saw my daughter when she was 8 months old, the mother and her fiancé brought her over to my state, I felt so many emotions she was/is beautiful and she is my little girl, I made a plan there and then to be IN her life as much as possible but I slowly became withdrawn again when the mother and fiancé returned back to their state, Well at the end of 2003 (my daughter was 21 months old) I started calling my daughter on the phone, I also told the mother that I had another child on the way that he/she would be born the following year. She became even weirder, first she was very cold towards me, then her and her fiancé split up and she became very friendly, she even asked our daughter while I was on the phone if she wanted to start calling me dad, I got off the phone floating...the next time I called the mother referred to me as my name and I asked her after I got off the phone, what happened to being called "dad" she abused me and told me I would not be called dad until I went over there for our daughters birthday. I was not happy and we ended up arguing, Well I found out her and fiancé were back together, she caused many arguments with my sons mother, and then once my sons mother and I argued and we almost lost the friendship my daughters mother became very friendly with me...Ok cutting it short. After I went to her state to see our daughter the mother told me she had feelings for me, so we fooled around, the next day I went home and she blackmailed me, either I told my sons mother or she would (me and my sons mother were not together) so I told her, cutting it shorter we had a small "affair" again from April till October 2004. in this time I spent in the April 7 days with my daughter (I stayed with the mother and my daughter) the August I spent 11 days in a holiday cabin with my daughter and took her out on my own several times, I babysat my daughter and her sister also and no problems. In January 2005, I spent 7 days with my daughter and her mother again, and I spent time alone with my daughter, the whole time my daughter was with me alone she enjoyed it and she had no problems with not having her mother there. Everything went bad in April 2005, the mother told me I could not see my daughter on my own (I told her I wanted nothing to do with her after lying to my sons mother in the Feb.) she told me also that if I did not pay $100 for the trip I would not see my daughter much. Well I saw her once, at this point. I asked for contact orders.  

  

 

  

  

 

Ok this is where I need you lovely ladies advice and opinion 

  

 

  

  

 

I have asked for my daughter to have contact with me in my state... but for it to be gradual, so for the first 2 years I fly over to her state for 2 weeks (1 week each) and have 1 overnight increased per 7 days of contact and the non-overnight nights I have her for the day only. And then once overnight contact has been established for the full 7 days, spend 1 week in her state and then change it so she has full contact in my state with me and her half brother, She will also be coming in October to my state for two weeks (so it would be 2 weeks in her state and 2 weeks in my state before the full contact is established) 

  

 

  

  

 

She would be 6 and a half when the first full contact starts in my state, I am asking also that when my daughter turns almost 8 that she starts spending alternative Christmas/birthdays with me. so it would be 7 times a year in my state, I understand that she will want me in her state for things, And I thought that adding 1 "extra" week of contact when ever my daughter wants me in her state as she grows up, it doesn’t mean I have her overnight just means I get to watch her sports games or school things I can also fly out for a weekend. 

  

 

  

  

 

the reason I’m asking for it to be in my state is because to fly out there for 2 weeks a year 2 times a year or even once for 2 weeks it's going to cost me $1500AU dollars each contact, with flight fares, accommodation food etc and I haven't got that much money, I also want to spend more time with my daughter and My daughter has expressed that she wanted to play with her half-brother whom I could not take with me because I couldn’t afford it.  

  

 

  

  

 

the mother is disagreeing saying, my daughters life is in her state, I should be going there to be in my daughters life, not my daughter in my life, she said if my daughter wants to see my son I should take him with me. I have expressed my financial problem and she said she couldn't careless. She has offered me her place of residence to stay, I have expressed that me and her will never be and that I don't want my daughter to start believing that her mummy and daddy might get back together, also I have in love with my sons mother who has been my friend for 6 years now and I know that she would be a problem with her if we ever do get together (I haven’t told her my feelings yet) at that point also I will have to provide for her, my son, my stepdaughter and myself. The mother has offered me her place to stay and she won’t be there, I have two problems with that. I don’t want to push her out of her own home and her youngest child too, it’s not fair. 2) It is still not good for my daughter, because she will never get use to me and staying somewhere else, she will always be in the security of HER MUMS home.  

  

 

The other offer was to stay at her parent’s house, I don’t want to do that because I would feel I am entrapped to do as the mother wants due to it being her parents and again with my daughter it would cause the same security problems. I am reluctant to spend the next 12 years or until my daughter speaks out, in a hotel with her..... It is not fair or in the best interest of my daughter especially when there is my home back in my state where she will have her own room, toys, books etc and her half-brother. I feel that she might also feel like she is a separate part of my life except in the October when she fly’s out with her mum to my state. 

  

 

  

  

 

This is what the mother is asking for. 

  

 

  

  

 

That I go to her state in the January and July, that she comes to my state in the October for 2 weeks but I am to return my daughter to her while I work, and not (if I do get together to my sons mother) my sons mother. This would leave me with a few hours of contact and no overnight contact. She wants me to fly every second Christmas to her state and stay in a hotel or her home with my daughter and same with my daughter’s birthday. I feel sorry for my daughter for her Christmas she will have gone from a family for Christmas to just her father, a family birthday party to just her father in a hotel.  

  

 

  

  

 

Am I requesting something horrible or something that is common? Any help would be appreciated.  I might have missed out stuff but this is getting so long! 

  

 

  

  

 

 
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January 27, 2006, 3:15 am CST

I know what ya feeling so well

Quote From: mister_x

So I've been having this CONSTANT problem with someone who just will NOT take the hint that I dont want this person in my life. I've tried to be friends and that didnt work. I've tried numerous times to take the high road and be civil, doesnt work. This person ALWAYS has comments about how i live my life, and what I do with my vehicle. Last time i checked, its MY decisions, and I didnt ask for theirs. Now, i have not spoken to them for long amounts of time, and told this person I DO NOT WANT THEM IN MY LIFE. but... they keep coming back with little comments belittling me. But then i get these sappy emails from him as if its supposed to mean something. I've said some very harsh things trying to get the point across about how i feel, and about how i do not care nor wish to hear what thwy have to say about me, NOR my vehicle, but it doesnt work.

What do i do? I'm so aggrivated everytime this person talks to me, and I try to not have contact and it doesnt work. Theres always something. and always one of those little comments. Never fails. I was worried about this person and tried to be there for him, and help him thru rough times, but I hate the person he is. Now, My boyfriend has had it with this, and He's seen the things i say to him, and doesnt understand why hes still around. He's like a bad case of herpes... no matter what ya do, you just cant get rid of it.

SOOOO.... WHAT DO I DO? and how can i make it clear that I absolutely cannot stand this person, and DONT want them in my life, and make them actually go away for good? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help me....

You are not alone in this type of harrasement ive had these problems mahself with a person, i have asked them to stay out mah life and ive asked them to stop giving me their opinions on whats my business and to stop talking to me. 

  

i have been stupid though they say something and i feel the need to defend myself because what they have said is not true im only starting to learn that NO MATTER what you say they wont believe ya or dont WANT to believe you. I would suggest that if its a hotmail email account that you use, that you block them for good and not unblock them at anytime. its everytime to do with control and power and if ya let them get to you or even explain anything to them they gain the "power" and these type of people love this. they are best ignored. unfortunately i cant completely ignore the person in my situation for reasons. 

  

i would say dont let them get to you but thats easier said than done the LESS you acknowledge them the more they are persistant YOU reacting to what they do or email them allowing them to upset you is their HEROIN of course once ya stop all communication expect some abuse and some really nasty things (thats why its better to block) because they are going through a withdrawal they are "power" junkies and you dont need this in your life because ya already said these things are YOUR decisions and YOUR life they have no right saying anything about it to you unless you ask for their opinion.  

 

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