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Messages By: lauriej

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October 29, 2005, 12:55 pm PDT

I can relate

Quote From: trueblugal

I have been with my bf for over a year and a half.  His sex drive is incredibly low and has been from the start.  Since i've just gotten out of a 16 yr marriage, mine is incredibly high.  I could have sex every day, all day long.  You would think that since we only get to see each other on the weekends, that our sex life would be great, but it's far from that.  He's 40 and I'm 43, but I feel like I'm in my 20's.  He's gained about 50 lbs since we've met and he also works 6 days a week (the graveyard shift to boot).  I finally made him go to the dr's and found out he had low testosterone.  His dr told him to lose weight, quit smoking and use the patch everyday.  3 months later, he still hasn't quit smoking, hasn't lost weight and 'forgets' to use the patch.  He told me before we started dating that he had a problem with Erectile Dysfunction for 6 yrs, but I figured with time and with meds, we could fix it.  Now here I am, frustrated as can be.  I figured most men would cut their right arm off if it meant that they could have sex, but not him.  I KNOW he's not gay...absolutely no red flags or questions about it.  He hasn't cheated (I'm pretty sure about that, since most of his time is spent sleeping).  We've talked about it, tons of times.  He always says "I told you I had ED before we dated, it's not you."  But that just doesn't cut it for me anymore.  You would think that he would at least TRY to have sex ONCE during the weekend, but most times he just falls asleep on the couch.  I'm to the point that I'm beginning to think of ending this frustration and just see if I can start the whole dating process over again.  However, I have a 13 yr old daughter that is now attached to him.  After her father and I split (he cheated with a 19 yr old), my daughter avoided men....now she likes my bf and I don't know what to do.  I don't want her to go through the pain of another failed relationship.  I don't know what to do anymore.  Any advice?
my BF and I have been together for 5 yrs in the beginning we had sex all the time, 3 yrs ago we started living together but in the last yr the sex is not very often most nights he falls asleep on the couch he may eventually make it to bed but by then I am sound asleep. We have a tv in the bedroom but I have a hard time sleeping with it on. I have always liked sex and in the beginning of our relationship he was interested and the sex was great. I am 40 and he is 42 so it's not age. I am not ready to roll over and never have sex again but I am so tired of trying, I just sent him a text message today he has been away for 3 days and 2 nights, asking him if we were going to have some us time when he gets back this afternoon (he wants to go out for dinner with his brother & sister in-law tonight) then I pointed out how long he has been gone and that I needed a little, get this he didn't reply. It's like hitting my head against a brick wall, I always look after myself makeup do my hair, never go out in sweat pants but at this point, I don't see any point in trying anymore, if I pick him up at the airport this afternoon, I think I might just wear sweats, never mind with my hair or makeup. I'm really considering talking to him about maybe if he doesn't want to have sex with me that I should have a boyfriend on the side. It is getting to the point that I don't have any desire to have sex anymore and that scares me because I have always loved it.
 
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October 30, 2005, 9:08 am PST

where to start

I while ago I was on this board and someone suggested that i read a couple of dr phils books but i don't know which one to start with.I have been diagnosed with depression, I have been going to counselling, exercising and acupuncture. It all seems to be working but my bf and I are still having problems right now the biggest problem for me is his sex drive seems to be nonexistant where I would like the closeness all the time, he says that when things are going good that i always start a fight and he may be right, at least if we are fighting i know that it's because we are fighting and not that he doesn't want sex with me. I'm so frustrated right now, i know some of it is the depression but i feel so much better when i feel close to him but he seems very comfortable in the relationship (feels like we've been married for ever) i don't want a relationship where we are always doing seperate things, never spending time together, we may be in the same house or even the same room but there is no physicla contact and I'm tired of being the one that has to do all the touching. His brother and sister inlaw moved to town recently and I see their relationship, from what I see they spend very little time together. And I'm only 40 I'm too young not to have a sexlife.  Well there is my venting for now. 

 
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October 30, 2005, 11:50 am PST

i have all of them

Quote From: labelfree

Which book did you buy?  I say start with Life Stragies  That is what helped me the most!  It is a real life saver...Your so worth it.  How long have you been together...What part of Canada?  Do you really want to stay in this relationship?  Talk soon...

I think I have all of Dr.Phil's books, I have been taking the Life Stragies with me where ever I go in case I have a few minutes to read but it hasn't happened yet. We have been together for 5 years, living together for 3, he would really like to get married but I am holding out, I was married for 14 years always thought it was forever, so the next time it will be forever. I want to stay in the relationship when things are good they are very very good and I'm on top of the world but most of the time we seem to have lost that new relationship feeling, which I know won't carry on forever but I don't see why everything has to die as time goes on it should only get better but in a different way. At this point most of the time I just feel like a maid or just something that will always be there like a piece of furniture. I try to keep things going but I'm tired of being the only one that goes to him for a hug or a kiss or to sit by him, even send him text messages to give a strong hint what I want but he didn't even reply. I have changed so much and for the better, it used to be that the biggest problem with our relationship was that I didn't communicate, (a little different usually the man that doesn't communicate) so now I am doing more of that, expecially with the depression it helps when I am worrying over silly things that I know are only because I am overthinking things. He does stand by me and is there if I ever need anything, he encourages me with most things. he does seem to have a problem with my depression, he thinks that if I stopped reading "those books" and stopped going to councelling I would be fine actually I have a friend that said the same thing but I think he is scared that I may not want to be with him or our relationship will change if I am feeling better and they same with my friend too. 

  

Anyways, we live in alberta. Where are you from? 

 
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October 31, 2005, 5:33 am PST

Happy Halloween

Quote From: labelfree

I live in NJ   Those books are [powerful I tell you....I did NOT read however Relationship rescue because I was not sure if I waned mine rescued or not lol.......Start with the Life Stragie  it will give you a focus  start with a few pages.  Do you work?  You need to just get going and I promise you you will not be able to put the darn thing down like that GREAT GURU OF THE MIND WILL START TALKING RIGHT AT YOU... 

  

Hey  your focus will change...your man will start to notice....you will start to filter things different...wait a second...whats going on here...hell sttart coming after you...then youll be like  eweee get off me Im reading Dr. Phil  Your man is going to start to hate Dr. Phil....You start to change for THE BETTER  Trust me MY HUSBAND started hating DR PHIL because I TOOK BACK ME!  I called my friends was yaking about HOW GREAT DR. Phil was....When my husband came home.....WHO was on TV?  You geuseed it  DR. Phil..... 

  

  

No more BS  No more passive aggressive mind attacks this guy tells it like it is and YOU get all the answers because YOU were smart enough to buy his books  GOOD FOR YOU happy reading...Let me know how it goes  NOw get on it girl  Go find yourself!  I cant wait  xoxox 

They don't have an "Tired" as an emotion, because thats how I feel today, between the time change and stayed up a little later reading Life Stragies, got to chapter 4 and wide awake at 5:30am But now I have no excuse not to go on the treadmill. The book is good but now I'm going to be spending alot of time analyzing people, spouse included. He slept on the couch again. It hurts me when he does that but my hurt comes out in anger I want to take my ring off, throw his clothes in the spare bedroom, now I want to analyze why I want to do this, think its because I want him to hurt too and my payback may be some attetention but I know him he would do the opposite. 

  

I have my work cut out for me I didn't do the assignments but I will go back and do them, felt guilty when Dr Phil said not to skip the assignment saying you would go back  and do it later. 

  

But thank you this book is working wonders already, I will try to read some more tonight reading, I will probably be handing out candy, don't feel like it this year but usually I love halloween, the little kids look so cute all dressed up. 

  

I will try to stay in touch, most of the time I feel like i'm intruding on a conversation, I don't know everyone and their stories and I don't feel comfortable barging in when I don't know people but I'm going to try to post more, everyone seems to have fun and get the support that they need when needed. 

 
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October 31, 2005, 9:00 am PST

its going to be a great day

Quote From: labelfree

we all started some where your starting here...I hate this hoilday really for reasons I dont even know why....dont make any hasty reactions better days are a coming girl....just kind get in your own mind and at all cost be VERY VERY poliet to HIM..MAYBE  JUST MAYBE  his feelings are hurt because you didnt get swept away from his marriage proposal...DOI>>>he didnt get the fact that he needs to do more than what he did!  BOINK!  DA!  Dr. Phil also goes into the face WE HAVE TO RETRAIN  HA  our men can you believe that one?  We have to retrain them  like why do we constantly do the same thing and expect different results.....Keep reading Im so proud of you! 

  

  

EVERYONE make our new pal here FEEL WELCOME    SURROND HER WITH OUR LOVE   xoxoxoxo GO GURL  xoxoxox 

I am at work so I will make this short, after I get some work done I will reward my self with the internet. 

  

I love sweets so thats probably why I look forward to today but my girls are getting to old to go out so guess I miss out, probably best anyways. 

  

Did 30 min on the treadmill and feeling pretty good today hoping that I can get some work done, it has been neglected for awhile, one of those choices but the payoff is not good. 

  

His feeling are probably hurt, alot of the time I forget because I never know what he is feeling, I can try to read his mind but it would be nice if he would tell me sometimes. He has to understand I was married for a long time but then I realized that I could do it on my own which was a good thing but have a hard time letting go of that and somedays just seems easier to walk away than try to work it out, I have been working on it though and I am alot better than even 6 months ago. 

  

Never mind retraining them have to retrain ourselves too, try not to do the same thing all of the time and expect different results. Just like kids, somethings work with one kid but not the next. There is a light bulb moment have to try a different approach, maybe hitting him in the head with a brick, he is so thick skulled. 

  

Thanks for making me feel welcome but back to work for me, talk later. 

  

 
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October 31, 2005, 1:06 pm PST

can hardly wait

Quote From: labelfree

My guy needs a check up from the neck up himself  !!!!  Hahaha  I dated him for 10 years until i finally  got married!  Its good your being cautious.... 

  

Make the focus on you  read the books  post here and watch the changes  magically start to happen...they really do...the changes have to start though from within you first....Make you happy first  xoxo  

so 5 years is nothing then, I can hold out for another 5. 

  

I can hardly wait to get home and start reading again, i've been thinking about my actions and his and trying to figure out what the payoff is, I want to get home and have some me time so I can write  out what we do and right down a few reasons what possible payoffs there are.  

  

I know that tonight if I went on like nothing was wrong, he would probably fall right into it and that would be his payoff because then everything is back to normal for him but I am still left frustrated and nothing gets resolved. I will probably have to do that eventually but I should probably think about it first and then pay attention to the payoff. I guess my payoff is that at least then I can talk to him and kiss him, if I'm lucky he might come to me and give me a kiss. What a Jerk. Somedays I just want to shake him. It's so hard not to send him an email just to get his attention, mind you I did that yesterday and I didn't get a reaction out of him. Have to hit my head against a wall now, sending emails or getting mad doesn't usually get a reaction out of him. Maybe will try just being happy with myself and life in general tonight , that will confuse him but maybe it will get him thinking. 

  

Well back to work 

  

 
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October 31, 2005, 5:59 pm PST

Depression

Quote From: carebear05

happy halloween all, its careber544, yes i changed my name. i have missed you guys, sorry i wasn't on for a while, i come and go. well i wrote a little update last night and never got any response and could use some help because this is something that is tearing me apart and i can barely deal with it. i'm loosing sleep and constantly crying, i have cut myself(again) and i'm not able to talk to family about this. I think i should call the police anonymously about this one but i'm scared to,  please advise i will try to catch whatever you all write, i know its halloween and even i'm going to be going out. well, i'm going to try and have a little fun and relaxation,  

  

i need to get my mind of this. so read what i wrote and please respond, you guys have been here for me before, i need your help very much on this one.  Oh and btw, this guys mom is the babysitter(godmother too i think) so the kid is over at their house but heres the thing; he lives with his mother, it worries me to no end!  Well, thank you all. careber544 

I'm new to the board and have never had to deal with such a problem. How old is the boy will he say anything about what happened. I don't know if that is the right approach but I know I would want to get to the bottom of it. If something happened it needs to be reported, with the guy having access to the child it could happen again and if he has done it once, I would think he would do it again. Again I don't know much about the subject. But I will try to stay on the computer tonight, if you want to talk more. I would be very tempted to call the police even if it is a mistake better safe than sorry. It is such a touchy subject but what if he did do something. 

  

sorry I couldn't be more help  

  

 
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October 31, 2005, 6:14 pm PST

Hi

Hi labelfree, 

  

Angry at spouse or kids, not sure if you have kids. Breath count to ten, i don't know why people say that I would rather just throw something, does me more good. My aunt always says that she thinks everyone should have old dishes that they can break when the get mad. 

  

I have 2 girls oldest is 17 she is grounded because of her school marks and breaking her curfew, after we had an arguement today because of her grounding I came home (after she had a day off of school) to dishes, food and empty milk carton around the house, couldn't even give her trouble because she was already gone to work. I now what my mother went through now with 3 girls and 1 boy. 

  

Dr Phil has an article in novembers issue of Good Housekeeping it is a good one, some advice in there that I will be taking.  

  

Found out why I'm not getting attention, quote "if the girls would go to their dads when they were supposed to we would have US time" I'm stronger already, nobody is going to put a condition on when they will give me attention. 

  

Well if you want to talk I'm here, would be glad to give you the help and support that you have given me, even if you just want to vent, that much I know helps. 

  

I will have to guard the computer, otherwise I will loose my turn tonight, he has a new computer game, so it could get interesting. 

  

 
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October 31, 2005, 6:32 pm PST

Depression

Quote From: carebear05

the boy is around 2, just barely saying words, the guy is almost thirty and i'm 25. i've always had a cutting problem but for a while i was doing good till i found this out, it devestated me. they had to leave yesterday, go home so i couldn't talk to her more about it, the mom is 22 i think. i will be on more later tonight, right now i'm trying to respond while getting dressed, but i will talk to the mom tonight and tomorow i made up my mind about calling the police. i just want to get any info from her first. i'm just really mad at him since we were like siblings, we spent so much time together but i cant remember my early childhood, i'm so mad at him, he wasn't supposed to do this!  

  

thank you for the replies and concern, knowing i have support in this helps me. 

I hope it isn't what it looks like that is so unfair, a child that can't even tell you what happened. 

  

Just hang in there, I don't know much about cutting, although one time recently I bite myself I was hurting so much was just trying to take away the pain. Is that why you cut? 

  

And no he shouldn't have done it, he is the adult against a defenseless child. 

  

 
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October 31, 2005, 6:42 pm PST

Candy is good

It's good to buy candy, just turn out the lights and you can have it for yourself. By the looks of things I will have lots left over, thats if I hide it from my girls. 

  

 

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