Messages By: cnclove

I AM 32 YEARS OLD AND A MOTHER OF A 12 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER. I JUST GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE AND I WORK FROM HOME AS A MEDICAL TRANSCRIPTIONIST. I WATCHED TODAYS SHOW AND I FELT LIKE I WAS WATCHING MY LIFE ON TV. I HAVE BEEN ADDICTED TO PAINKILLERS NOW FOR ABOUT 3 YEARS. I TAKE ABOUT 16 PILLS A DAY. I COME FROM A FAMILY OF ADDICTS. I HAVE NEVER BEEN ADDICTED TO ANYTHING BESIDES CIGARETTES. I GOT INTO A CAR ACCIDENT AND MY DOCTOR PUT ME ON VICODIN. I DO NOT EVEN DRINK OR DO ANY OTHER DRUGS. I AM IN CHRONIC PAIN EVERYDAY. I CAN NOT EVEN GET OUT OF BED WITHOUT TAKING 4 PILLS FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. I HAD A FRIEND WHO WORKED FOR A COMPANY WHERE HE HAD ACCESS TO UNLIMITED AMOUNTS OF PAIN PILLS. AT THAT TIME I WAS TAKING 30 PILLS A DAY. WHEN HE COULD NOT GET THEM ANYMORE I WAS SO AFRAID OF THE WAY I WAS GOING TO FEEL. I WAS UP FOR 5 DAYS STRAIGHT GOING THROUGH WITHDRAWS. I MADE IT THROUGH THE PHYSICAL PART, BUT THE MENTAL PART IS WHAT MADE ME GO BACK AGAIN. I WAS SPENDING A LOT OF MONEY ON PILLS AND ALMOST LOST EVERYTHING I OWNED. I NOW GET ENOUGH FROM MY DOCTOR SO I DO NOT RUN OUT. I WANT SO BAD TO STOP TAKING PILLS AND BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH MY PAIN, BUT I AM SO SCARED OF THE PHYSICAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL WITHDRAWS. I HAVE A WONDERFUL FIANCE WHO COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDS WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH. I AM ALSO IN THE PROCESS OF A BIG CUSTODY BATTLE WITH MY EX. I LET MY DAUGHTER GO VISIT HIM AND HE NEVER SENT HER BACK. I HAVE TO FLY UP TO MAINE ON SEP 28. I DO NOT THINK THAT I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THIS HARD TIME WITHOUT MY PILLS. I DO NOT WANT MY DAUGHTER TO KNOW ABOUT MY ADDICTION. I JUST WANT TO STOP TAKING THEM WITHOUT THE PHYSICAL WITHDRAWS AND BE ABLE TO COPE WITH MY BACK PAIN AND MY TMJ. I HAVE NO INSURANCE AND CAN NOT AFFORD TO GET HELP. I REFUSE TO GO TO A METHADONE CLINIC BECAUSE I FEEL THAT YOU ARE SWITCHING ONE DRUG FOR ANOTHER. HOPEFULLY SOMEONE CAN HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!