Messages By: mom2_1son

I don't know where to begin, other than to say God Bless to all those who survived the horrible events and are now left with nothing.  I will not even begin to think I know how you must all feel - I have never gone through such a horrible tragedy.  The feelings of horror and worry and desperation so many must now be feeling - the mothers and fathers not knowing where their children are, the children who have lost parents and grandparents...  

The horror is almost too much to even think about - but think about it I must, as that is what makes me hug my child a little longer and breath a sigh of relief that such devestation has not happened to me.  I can live without my things...But the thought of not knowing where my child or my husband is?  My heart goes out to those parents who must not only fight to survive, but do so with the worry of not knowing where their children are.  

My son will be four soon.  My husband and I were talking about the hurricane and the vast numbers of people now left without homes.  Little guy asked what we were talking about, so I told him there are kids who no longer have food or water or toys to play with.  

Bless his little heart.  He went to his room and put some toys into a back pack and handed the bag to me.  He said "Mommy, maybe they like these?"  I opened the bag and found not broken toys or toys he was bored with - I found his FAVORITE toys - his Spiderman items, his Thomas the Tank Engine toys, etc.   

And so I thought, If he's willing to part with his favorite toys, what can I do?  

Tomorrow, we are going down to our local Red Cross and Salvation Army to see what we can do for the victims - NO!- THE SURVIVORS of Hurricane Katrina.  I want to help, even though I cannot physically travel the distance to lend a helping hand.  I will do what I am able.    

Again, God Bless.  

You Neighbours to the North  

Audrey in Canada  

I know for some families, separating the children from one parent or another is a necessity - physical abuse, sexual abuse, perhaps the parent is a drug addict, etc.   

BUT in so many cases I see, the problems with custody have nothing to do with such a thing but rather, one spouse wanting power over the other, anger, resentment and revenge.   

It is the case with my sister.  She and her ex have been fighting over custody since their daughter was 18 months old.  They cut each other down in front of their daughter.  He calls her mother stupid and lazy, my sister calls my niece's father fat and dumb, and the list goes on.  They drag this girl into every fight they have.   

As a result, she became ill, trying to please both parents - and all they did was blame one another - "Well, if you weren't so stubborn, she wouldn't be worrying herself sick!" and such.  She was ten years old and diagnosed with a BLEEDING ULCER!!!   

I finally took custody of her for several months and she began to see a therapist.  This woman contacted my niece's parents and after several months of therapy and tears, the two of them finally began to see just how hard it was on their daughter - they did agree to stop dragging her into their petty arguments and trying to pit her against the other, though they still argue.    

My niece, on the other hand, has learned to NOT try to please her parents the way she once did.  Now, if they try to drag her into an argument or one parent tries to change the scheduling at the last minute, my niece tells them "NO!  This is my week with Dad (or Mom).  If doing this with you is so important, reschedule it for next week when I'm back."   

I am so proud of her and my husband and I stand by her and always will.  She's become a confident young teen (13) despite her parents selfishness - and in this situation, that is what it is, selfishness.  While they love her as any parent loves a child, in all their anger and hatred towards one another, they see her as another piece of property to argue over.  They've forgotten that she is not property - she is a precious little girl full of life and dreams and love for her parents.  They've forgotten that at one time, they did love one another and choose to bring a life into the world together.  They've both forgotten that they EACH made the choice to become involved with one other and are now forever tied together by this child - whether they like it or not.  And maybe that is the bottom line for these two - like it or not, they are forever linked.   

Just had an idea that I am going to take to the Salvation Army/Red Cross when I go there tomorrow and thought to share it with you.  How about helping organize "Back Pack" hampers?  Fill a back pack with necessities donated by stores, individuals, organizations?  Vary the packs depending on age and gender.  A back pack for a man would include shaving items and toiletries, underwear, t-shirts, socks, etc; for a woman, feminine hygiene products, panties, bras, and other items; a child would include clothing and a toy or colouring books/crayons, etc.  All would include such necessities as toothbrushes and toothpaste, shampoo, soap, etc.   

With schools opening again, this is also an idea you might approach teachers with - something the kids can do as part of their social studies class that also teaches them compassion for others and how they can help in little ways.  If one classroom can create one back pack for two adults and two children, that would help many.  Imagine a school of 400 students coming up with the items  to fill 64 back packs.  That may not seem like a lot, but that is 64 people who currently have nothing.   

My little guy is starting pre-school next week at our neighbourhood elementary.  I am going to take this idea to the teachers and staff tomorrow, as well.  As I see it, as a former elementary school teacher, this is a FABULOUS teaching tool that will broaden the eyes of the students - it is likely all of them have heard one thing or another about Katrina, even if they do not yet fully grasp the disaster and the havoc the storm has wrought.  The students can also include letters of encouragement and support if the teachers wish.   

Thank you for your kind words regarding my little guy - he is a great little guy filled with compassion.  Even when he was 18 mo old, he used to cry when other kids cried.  When he was just beginning to walk but still drinking from a bottle, he went up to a little girl (she was about 4 yrs old) who was crying in the local WalMart - and handed her his bottle because that always helped soothe him when he was upset.  She stopped crying and smiled but then HE was upset because she wouldn't take the bottle he offered!!!  Ah, well...   

Like I said, he's a great guy and we think he's the most special little person we know...But we're NOT BIASED!  LOL.   

Take care...   

Audrey    

It is wonderful to see creative ideas on donating money when one is unable to donate time to different efforts (location, perhaps).  After all, what a person gets with each pay cheque is often just enough for a family to get by each month, especially when you consider many families are single income families.  BUT vacation time is not generally included in one's planning for a weekly/monthly/yearly budget and generally won't be missed the way $50, $100, $1000 would.  I know for our family, a $1000 would definately break us for a month - but if hubby was working for another employer (he's self-employeed) NOT recieving a day's paid vacation day wouldn't even be noticed simply because one doesn't regard that in budgeting. 

Again...BRILLIANT!  It is an idea that would work here, as well (Canada) 

I am the product of a mixed marriage.  My mother is Native Canadian, my father is of English descent.  I've faced racism almost my whole life, from one group or another.  I can SOOO see Rujon's points - the whole idea of "Be this way" or "Be that way" set upon you by other people. 

I entered university when I was 23.  Even then, I was completely accepted by my husband, but there were those in his family that did look at me with that look that told me they were afraid I was going to "turn Indian" and take their son/brother with me. 

Enter school - and I was faced with Native people telling me I was not "a REAL Indian".  I even dared ask what a "real Indian" was and no one could answer.  One woman - one of my professors, no less - even dared tell me that I had married my husband (a man of German descent) simply because I wanted to "live the white life" and "get rid of my Indian sounding last name". 

In truth, that one made me laugh and laugh until I almost peed my pants simply because my maiden name was my father's name - remember, my father is NOT Native and neither is his last name. 

Anyway, by the time I met up with this professor, I had lost much of my shyness and was no longer afraid to speak my mind and express my opinion.  I asked her what exactly "living a white life" entailed and she, with her many degrees, could not answer, except to say that I did not speak my Native tongue and was not proud of my "Nativeness" because I chose to live a middle class white life.  I kindly reminded her that she, as a Native woman, didn't know her Native language either, and while I might live a middle class life, I didn't wear fur coats or drive a Jaguar (Like she did) 

I just finally got to the point where I no longer care what others think.  I know who I am.  I teach my son about his ancestory - BOTH SIDES.  I want to live the best life I can live, regardless of what others might think.  I want to raise the best child I can raise and have the best marriage I can have.  I want a roof over my head and food in my belly.  I want to respect those around me, and be shown the same respect in return. 

If that's living "white" or living "Native", I don't know. 

Personally, I think it's simply a HUMAN trait.  No colour involved. 

I've been reading through the posts and one thing struck me as odd.  There are an awful lot of posts with the terms "Real children" and "biological parents" in them.  It just got me thinking about my cousin who has given birth to five children, each of them with a different father.  My cousin is the "biological mother" of these children - BUT A MOMMY SHE AIN'T.  These are her "real children" - yet she leaves them on their own (the oldest on is 7 years) while she goes off binge drinking.  The kids have been in foster care more times than they've been  with her.  AND their REAL fathers?  Who knows.  The one who was involved for a short time ended up sexually abusing three of the girls. 

Then, there is the cousin who was adopted when he was four years old.  His real biological mother left him alone in her apartment when he was just a few months old and no one knew he was there until a neighbor heard him crying.  The doctor who examined him estimated he had been alone for at least 36 hours.  He was placed into foster care and the courts sided with the baby -whoppee! - and he was placed into a temporary home until parental rights were signed over and he could be adopted.  She finally signed over rights when he was almost four, and when he was four, he was adopted by a wonderful family who allowed us to keep in touch with him.  He never has seen his mother again.  He is now 35. 

Then, there is my best friend.  She was married young and divorced with two kids when I met her.  She remarried a wonderful man who has accepted those kids as his own, coaching little league, teaching them to drive, chaperoning dances, going through graduations, paying for university, etc.  The kids grew up calling him "dad" and even took his last name.  They refered to their  real biological father as the sperm donor when they were old enough to know what the term meant.  Of course, once the kids were grown up, "daddy dearest" suddenly wanted a relationship.   

When the oldest one had his first child, he placed an ad in the local paper stating that the grandparents were his mother and step-father were the grandparents - while biological father was not listed AT ALL, ANYWHERE in the ad. 

I guess what I am saying is - watch your terms.  A real mother does not necessarily mean one gives birth to a child - you could adopt, or take in children who were birthed by others.  A real father does not mean you donated sperm - you could simply love those children and be willing to lay your life on the line of the welfare of those children. 

BIOLOGY only makes you a father or a mother - it doesn't automatically make you a MOM or a DAD - and those are very different terms.  I know for my best friend and her husband, if her ex showed up and demanded custody of the kids based solely on biology, he would have had a fight on his hands...